Pregnant at nearly 40...never had a child

[Reallyscared111]

I've got myself into a mess.
After a 10-year relationship of zero scares or trying or anything, I've been with a new partner for a year. I was reckless with contraception, which he knew. Because when you go through your entire 20s and 30s without a single worry, I guess you get complacent.
In May, my "like clockwork" period was12 days late: I now suspect this was a chemical pregnancy, at the time I wondered whether I was starting peri.
In June I had a normal on time period.
In July my period was MIA. I was definitely convinced this was perimenopause kicking in. Now Ive discovered I'm pregnant.

I dont need a lecture, I know this was so fucking stupid of me at my age to play Russian roulette with this. I just assumed because no scares before and because of my age the chances were extremely slim and I decided to take risks. Once this is done I am going to get the copper IUD, having researched the options.

Now Im feeling really emotional and upset though. I have a call booked with BPAS on the 11th. I'm 98% sure that I don't want to go through with this pregnancy. But theres a 2% of me that feels conflicted as I feel like at my age im staring down a barrel and if I dont go through with it, that will have been it for me.
I dont even understand why I feel this way when Ive never particularly wanted to be a mother anyway. It was never something I wanted, fantasised about or felt an urge to do.

Would check the pregnancy isn’t further along than you think, if you missed a period in May the follow up one could be false period. If you’d had and lost a pregnancy I don’t think you’d have come on right on schedule in June, it’d likely be a little bit delayed

It is an undeniable slog. But it's also amazing and wonderful....IF you want it. It's not for everyone, and that's fine.

I would absolutely advise telling your partner. Not because he gets to make any part of the decision, but because secrets are terrible for relationships. And this is not something to hide it be ashamed of, whatever you decide.

Absolutely no judgement from me of course. My main concern is that you make the decision that’s right for you - please do access all the counselling you need.

The only comment I would add is that I think it’s easy to focus decision making about having children on the impact on your life when they are young - and this is often negative. However I think it’s also important to think about how you’d feel with a young adult / grown up child in your life.

I was very ambivalent and frightened about having a child and then conceived within two months at the age of 41. I had my son at 42 and found the early years very hard and quite unfulfilling. I often wondered if there was something ‘wrong’ with me. He’s now an imperfect but wonderful and kind 14 year old and I’m really enjoying being his Mum - he is the light of my life really.

I hope this post makes sense and is helpful in some way. All the best to you OP 😊

Unless you fully trust him and are married. Don't tell him unless you decide to keep it and even then be prepared to raise it by yourself.

No judgement.

Take some deep breaths, calm down, have some chocolate and a bubble bath.

I too am becoming a first time mum at 40, not for lack of trying though.

Consider these several things before you decide (I'll try to use as neutral terminology as I can):

1. Are you prepared to raise another human being and support them for life?

2. Are you prepared to go through the myriad of symptoms of pregnancy, birth and child rearing have to offer?

3. Are you prepared to be indirectly discriminated at work?

4. Do you feel a connection or attachment to the blastocyst inside you?

5. Does the idea of shaping another human being bring you joy or excitement?

6. Do you WANT to be a mother?

If the answer is no to any or all of these questions than I would focus on processing a termination. It's a big procedure with a lot of emotional baggage and you will need to process the thoughts, feelings and emotions following the procedure.

Whatever you decide it's your body, your choice just be at peace with whatever you decide. Good luck x.

Imagine if the pregnancy was taken away. Like, right now. Click your fingers and it’s gone. Would you feel relief? Sadness? A mix?

I dont think so I didnt actually miss a period.

• May 3rd got my period, which was 10 days late
• May 31st got period as expected
• June 27th got period as expected
• July period missing

I would feel relief followed by a small pang of wistfulness

I think the key thing is that you don't know which version of motherhood you will get until you get it, so (in an ideal world), you need to be ok with the possibility it might be really un-glowy. And you seem to have a lot of very concrete reasons that you've taken time to think about.

FWIW, I had the sort of childhood that makes you seriously question becoming a parent, and I did question it for quite a bit, and I never felt good about deciding to try for a baby - I always felt quite worried. But the wanting outweighed that worry, and I felt it was worth the risk I'd find it really awful. I think that's the key.

You could say it's sad that, if things had been different, you might have felt good about the idea of being a mum. Or you could say that you're not someone who feels such a burning desire to be a mum, that you will take the risk of destabilising a life that feels good now? Either way of looking at it is fine.

Certainly not ‘extremely slim’ chance if getting pregnant at 39! All my friends bar one had children in their 40s, I had both mine in my 40s, so it can’t be that unusual (my mother and her mother both had a baby at 40).

Really struggling yesterday and today. I feel grief and guilt

I'm so sorry you're struggling. On the guilt/grief front, is the pregnancy still ongoing? Sorry to ask, and really sorry if I missed an update.

Thank yoi for your kindness, yes it is, I have the call with BPAS on the 11th and then by the time I get home to be able to take the pills it will be the 19th

You don’t have to have an abortion, life throws us curve balls sometimes. I found myself pregnant in less than ideal circumstances and somehow made it work.

Have you got friends or family in rl to talk it through with?

I am currently pregnant with my first, very much planned, baby. I still spent the first 6 or so weeks of this pregnancy in a panic, adament i didnt want it and very strongly considering a termination.

I am 14 weeks now - the hormones and the shock have settled and I feel TOTALLY different. Im so excited, and my only fear is that something bad will happen to baby.

All this to say, dont rush your decision. Youve got lots of time. Think about it. Talk about it with your partner if you want.

Whatever you decide will be the right choice for you

Good luck!

Ahhhh that niggling 2%

Ive been there OP. Zero plans to have a baby. On a high in life and then failed contraception. 4 abortion appointments later and I couldn’t do it each time which was a sign for me.

Im sharing to say that the feeling is real. But only you can decide what you want to do.

I agree with everyone’s, children are bloody hard work. But it’s a different kind of life and I knew I wanted to be a mum eventually.

I hope you make the decision for you. Tell your partner. Hopefully he is helpful in some way without swaying your decision negatively. And good luck x

Best words of wisdom I’ve heard recently is that saying ‘yes’ to having a baby isn’t a one time choice, it’s a choice to say ‘yes’ everyday for years.
If you’re happy and child free I think the ‘it’s my last chance’ narrative isn’t helpful.
I had a baby at 37, of course I wouldn’t change anything now but if someone had actually been able to make me understand how life changing (and hard) being a parent is I don’t know if I would have had a child. I’ve been a single parent since DD’s birth which obviously makes things harder.

I agree with the idea that it's saying 'yes' for years.

But, well, I thought really hard about posting this. I think I feel (maybe lots of us feel) conditioned to make sure other women feel ok about having abortions. And of course this is right. If the OP decides to terminate it will be the right thing for her, and it is totally fine to do that. And it is also fine to have an abortion despite having serious and important emotions around the subject. But I was thinking about all of this a lot lately, and I thought that maybe, in our keenness not to see people dragged down with a pregnancy they didn't want or a baby they weren't happy to have, we've also not given the good side?

I don't mean, by 'the good side,' the thoughtless 'u will be ok hun!' side of it, from people who clearly haven't bothered to think about it much, and I also don't mean people who are actually just anti-abortion and dressing it up as concern.

But, FWIW: I had my DS at 41 as a single mum; he's all of 7 weeks old, and he's absolutely wonderful - but also much, much easier than I had worried. I struggled to have a biological child; my lovely DD is nine and she is great but she was a hard baby and her biological mother insisted that pregnancy and labour completely broke her. And a lot of people I know said how hard it all was. I don't mind that; I think it's right for people to share their experiences. But thinking about it, I realise very relatively people told me it could be wonderful, and I am very grateful to the ones who did.

So ... I actually found pregnancy easy and quite pleasant; labour wasn't awful; I am physically back to normal now (the first week was really hard; I tore and haemorrhaged and I was frightened of my body; the second week wasn't great; by week 4-5 I was starting to feel fine again). It can be ok.

None of this should matter a bit if you don't want to go ahead with this pregnancy - in fact I think maybe if none of it hooks you in, that's a good sign you were right earlier on. But I wanted to put it out there because you were worrying, and maybe what I'm saying can be a useful perspective on a very little subset of those worries!

@Reallyscared111 my friend had a similar situation age 39 - except this was a fwb deal so no relationship to speak of. She had various health problems that made pregnancy less likely and had considered IVF as a solo parent in her mid 30s, but at the time she got pregnant was ambivalent about parenthood. She struggled for weeks to decide what to do (the father didn’t want to be involved), but in the end decided that ‘it must have happened for a reason’. Her surprise pregnancy is now a delightful and exhausting toddler and she’s knackered but says she has no regrets. But then she’d previously considered children, whereas it sounds like you haven’t really planned to have that life. I guess the question is, if someone told you this was your sole chance to become a parent, how would you feel, on a fundamental level and ignoring external/practical factors for the time being - positive overall or negative overall? Have a think about your reasons for being reckless with contraception (as you put it) - does it tell you anything about your deeper feelings about becoming a parent?

Whatever you decide will be right. It’s going to be ok either way.

This is a nightmare. I cant get the pills sent to the house because of the weird delayed period in april/May, so i have to go for a pregnancy scan.
There is no abortion provision where I am as its a "black hole", so I have to get a 2-hour train.
The BPAS woman was lovely and very thorough but when she was talking me through the process of how it happens I felt myself panic. This sounds so much worse than what I was expecting. She said as I have never been pregnant before my body may be a little slower to react to the medication and I would need to be especially vigilant about monitoring bleeding etc as I might not know what is normal.