Pregnant at nearly 40...never had a child

[Reallyscared111]

I've got myself into a mess.
After a 10-year relationship of zero scares or trying or anything, I've been with a new partner for a year. I was reckless with contraception, which he knew. Because when you go through your entire 20s and 30s without a single worry, I guess you get complacent.
In May, my "like clockwork" period was12 days late: I now suspect this was a chemical pregnancy, at the time I wondered whether I was starting peri.
In June I had a normal on time period.
In July my period was MIA. I was definitely convinced this was perimenopause kicking in. Now Ive discovered I'm pregnant.

I dont need a lecture, I know this was so fucking stupid of me at my age to play Russian roulette with this. I just assumed because no scares before and because of my age the chances were extremely slim and I decided to take risks. Once this is done I am going to get the copper IUD, having researched the options.

Now Im feeling really emotional and upset though. I have a call booked with BPAS on the 11th. I'm 98% sure that I don't want to go through with this pregnancy. But theres a 2% of me that feels conflicted as I feel like at my age im staring down a barrel and if I dont go through with it, that will have been it for me.
I dont even understand why I feel this way when Ive never particularly wanted to be a mother anyway. It was never something I wanted, fantasised about or felt an urge to do.

Deep breaths. Dont rush anything as you have time to think

I would hope nobody gives you a lecture!

It’s ok to end a pregnancy if you don’t want to continue for any reason. Have you spoken to your partner about how you’re feeling?

Agree. I had mine at 40 and was planned but also would have been happy ultimately if it hadn’t happened. My life is very different with two kids now than it would have been. I have friends who are child free by choice too

Just make sure you’re certain. I had terminations and now that I’m past the age when I can have children I am growing increasingly sad knowing that I will never have a child. I will never know what that feels like. This is made even more difficult by the fact that my 41 years old friend is having her first child next month and she is over the moon. She has only been with her partner for 15 months but I guess she thought that it was now or never.

I agree with @Gabitule That’s a decision to really work through. It’s not to say you’d never get pregnant again but obviously the odds are not high

@Reallyscared111your conflict is taking your chances with contraception (so maybe some ambivalence about a possible pregnancy) against the reality of it actually happening.
If there's no part of you that's happy at the prospect of having a child, that's probably your answer. It may or may not be your only chance but that's not enough to take on the total commitment of being a parent unless you actively want it.

Thank you its comforting to hear your thoughts. Yes, its hard at this age, as "not now, maybe later" stops being a possibility. It starts to feel really final and tests the real bedrock of your thoughts on things.

I havent told my partner yet. Hes been fairly clear he doesnt want children - although I guess you could say he has been just as foolhardy with that. I think if he were really excited by the prospect that would tip me quite easily but I know he wont be. I have no desire to have a child alone. We are both products of deadbeat fathers who never really wanted children.

No judgement from me. All I would say is, give yourself time to really think this through. All the best for whatever you decide.

Obviously you need to make sure that you're sure. It's extremely likely that this will be your one and only possibility of having a child.
But that doesn't sound like it was ever on your agenda. Take whatever counselling the service offer, talk it through. You don't need to rush this. But there's no need for moral judgement, it happens and it can be made to unhappen 🤷
Best of luck

Yes I agree with you

To give a different view from “it might be your last chance”..

Being a parent is wonderful in many ways but it’s also constant, exhausting and relentless. (YMMV)

It’s not something you can really fully appreciate until the decision is made and there’s no turning back.

Personally & one thing I’ve said to friends previously.. unless it’s something you’ve always dreamed of & have actively wanted, I wouldn’t do it. The sacrifices are huge & some days you wonder why anyone would purposely put themselves in this position. Being able to do exactly what you want, exactly when you want is something often taken for granted until it becomes not so easy anymore!

good luck with whatever you decide x

Interesting tho as if I’d been a bit lax on it for years and nothing had ever happened and I was pretty sure I was beyond it - I’d prob have not been very careful either. The shocker would be it happening when I never seriously thought it would. We were similarly a bit ambivalent as neither could really decide, so we left it to fate. Twice. Two post 40 less than 2 years apart. Didn’t risk a 3rd!!!

agree with @MarshmallowsOnToast I sometimes grieve a tiny bit my life that would have been. A lot more holidays all over the world and I’d be minted!! Kids are expensive

I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation!

Part of the problem is we’re told that it’s practically impossible to fall pregnant at 40, when the reality is many women do, even without trying.

There was a thread a while back where the OP who was in her early 40s was asking for advice on TTC and half the thread was posters telling her it was “extremely unlikely” to happen while the other half were posters who’d had babies in their 40s.

No wonder we’re confused!

Is give it some time to sink in and discuss with your partner.

"But there's no need for moral judgement, it happens and it can be made to unhappen 🤷"

Your blase attitude to termination is very concerning....there are many ways for both a man and a woman to prevent a pregnancy without things getting to this stage unnecessarily.

As you say OP, there is not much point giving you a lecture now as what's done is done now and you clearly realise that you and your partner were very irresponsible and are facing the repercussions of that.

However I really hope whatever happens that in future you are incredibly careful with contraception going forwards now, as this is so paramount if you both do not want children.

Bloody hell, what’s the weather like up there on the moral high ground?

I don't see it as at all concerning. It's not something to get particularly worked up about.

No need for your hand wringing or advice.

Me neither.

There’s absolutely no need to be “incredibly careful with contraception” in a country where safe abortion is easily accessible (assuming OP is in the UK). OP is not at risk of forced birth, like in some parts of the world.

Speaking to the 2% and the possibility that this could increase if your partner says yes. It sounds like you are still in shock and you are looking for someone e.g your partner, to tip you over to the yes side in your decision making. As someone who struggled to have a baby and had one at over 40 I think if I were in your shoes I would keep this little miracle and love them unconditionally cause the regret of not having them in the future when you look back knowing what could have been will be more painful. I would love another one but unfortunately I don’t think it will happen for me again.

No judgement here.

If you decide a termination asap is best, that will be the right thing. If you decide to take some time to think, that will be right too. It sounds as if those are the two options you're gravitating towards now, but of course if you decided to continue with the pregnancy, you would navigate that as well. These things are all doable and you'll be fine.

This 'last chance at a baby and I am supposed to want a baby' narrative, which is powerful and coercive. Only you can know whether it's worth listening to that narrative, or whether, really, you just feel the social pressure to do so.

You’re very hormonal right now op

ask the abortion provider for a free counselling session they are great and will help you make the right choice for you

I had my first and only child at 41 by choice, via IVF. It's harder to look after this baby than if I were 25, we are tired a lot, but it's not at all unmanageable. It's lovely in fact, as you are more set financially, dont want to party anymore and it becomes a wonderful part of your life.

That's just my opinion about age and having babies later in life. It's not as scary or hard as it seems. That said, if that's not what you want, then obviously, it's your decision and your life. I think sometimes partners come and ago (I say that as a former divorcee). Your body and how you feel about it all is what's permanent. Think about what you want. 💜

This 'last chance at a baby and I am supposed to want a baby' narrative, which is powerful and coercive. Only you can know whether it's worth listening to that narrative, or whether, really, you just feel the social pressure to do so

Thats so true.
When I think of the nice glowy vision of motherhood, I wonder how much of that is actually reality and how much of it is just a slog.
When I think of the reasons not to be a parent, they are all pretty much rooted in undeniable reality.
In a way its kind of sad as I'm sure if my life and relationships were more stable, I may have felt good about the decision to be a mother.
But I actively chose my life and relationships, and if those havent traditionally been the type to securely support having a child, then maybe thats telling in its own way too.
I have the call on the 11th and then by the time I get back home to be able to take pills it will be the 18th, so I still have time to think but now that the shock has worn off I think I know how Im leaning.

Im now actually debating whether i should even bother telling my partner at all