Unexpected pregnancy at 37 and feeling torn about what to do

[FairPeachBee]

I have 2 children ds5 & dd will be 3 in a month. I’ve just found out I’m pregnant! Even though dh and I used contraception. I know it’s not 100% but this has come as a total shock.
I felt like we were at the point of getting our lives back, travelling more long haul with the kids and saving money again.
I’m also 37 so feel old to be starting over with the newborn stage.
My husband has said he’ll support me if I wanted to have an abortion as he doesn’t want me to be unhappy and it’s ultimately my decision.
I feel so torn though, although being pregnant (I had back sickness during previous pregnancies) fills me with dread I just can’t help but think, this baby has quite literally defied the odds and to abort a baby when we already have children and are finically fine just seems wrong! I’m literally going back and forth between what I think is best. If anyone has any advice or has been in the same situation I would love to hear what you did.

In my experience MN is very quick to say to have an abortion in this situation so don’t be surprised if that’s the way this thread goes. I would say that although you wouldn’t have planned to have a pregnancy and another child, now that you are pregnant the decision is very different. In your situation I would go ahead with the pregnancy as the alternative wouldn't be for me.

My third was totally unexpected but an absolute joy. It made our family complete.

All family dynamics are different and you have to do what is right for your own personal situation.

37 isn’t too old tho I was 39, 36 and 32 and there as mums older than me too.

Is your employment stable?
Do you have room?
Will your current children’s lives be negatively affected?
Do you have time?
Is your health ok?
Do you want another child?

You are financially stable and in a good relationship, no one can really advise you as it's such a personal decision.

If it was me, I would chose the option that I thought would come with the least regrets, whether they be in the next few months but also longer term. E g imagine a family photo in 5 years time of you all on holiday on a beach, what feels right?

I’m going to suggest you do the reverse of knitty knotty and suggest you picture the worst case scenario for each decision in 5 years and see which one you could live with.

Or maybe, you test tomorrow and it’s negative- relief or disappointment?

Yes this baby is against the odds but you don’t owe it anything, yet.

No comment on whether you should or shouldn’t have a baby - your body your choice - but 37 is not old at all to be having a baby. I’m 37 this year and pregnant with my second and I barely feel old enough to be a parent and many of my friends are just having their first now.

I think this is a good way of looking at the situation, I think my biggest fear is that I have two healthy children and for their and mine sake (maybe selfishly), what if some thing was wrong this baby

I know, it’s not that old. In my head I’m still 19, I think I just thought our lives were moving on a bit, no more nursery fees. More long hail travel, more time to enjoy hobbies etc. but then it would only set us back another 3 years which doesn’t seem too bad in the grand scheme of life

I would say yes to every question apart from the last one!
DH and I are both one of 3 kids and both middle children which comes with its negatives and I didn’t want my daughter to be a middle child

That would be my worry too @FairPeachBee have a baby if you want a baby. Now is an excellent time to be very selfish.

That is fair enough
You have choices
If you don’t want it, you don’t have to have it.

Your DH needs to help you come to a mutual decision. It’s so easy for men to say ‘you decide’ as it is you who will physically have to go through it but it is also an unfair amount of pressure on you.

The 3rd at 37 made our family it was a shock and actually I was sickest with 3rd but honestly she’s a joy and I was more relaxed and I can’t imagine not having 3. I then thought about a 4th and my husband said he was getting the snip 😂

Your daughters dynamic as middle child would be a good one. If new baby is a girl your DD will be eldest girl, if new baby is a boy, DD will be only girl. She has her “place”. Im a middle child. Im 2nd girl. Youngest sibling is a boy. So i was not “special”.

You’re not too old, but your call of course if you feel too old. If you don’t want the pregnancy don’t go through with it, most women who have terminated pregnancy have had that ‘was it meant to be’ thought but maybe the pregnancy can be meant to be without the full on baby.
call an abortion provider to get a referral for decision making counselling for free. Everyone on Mumsnet will project their own lives onto you, I would love three kids so much!

I am not sure I’d want to be pregnant in my late 30s, having already had two. I’m a couple of years younger and already noticing the difference in my body to just a few years ago.
You didn’t plan it but it’s happened now. Can’t really see a strong argument for abortion unless you feel very unhappy. It might not be ideal but you will be able to travel further afield again in a few years and there’ll be lots of opportunity for that later in life as well. With a 3yo you are pretty much still in the little kids phase anyway.

I am on the other side of this decision 37,unplanned, used contraception, 2dc already, partner ok either way. I made a huge list of all the reasons I could not have another baby and then I had an eleventh hour change of heart and now have a baby 3. It was the right decision for me and my finances, house size etc,well, mumsnet would hate all of it but no one else has to live my life. There is of corse some sadness to be back at the beginning again and points where juggeling three sets of needs is too much but it gets easier and there are so many moments where it’s absolutely beautiful. All decisions are imperfect (well if I could afford a housekeeper then that would solve most of the juggeling but alas) go with the right regret what’s your right regret. Because at the end of the day the logical thing was for me to terminate but deep down for no really substantive reason I just did not want to not have a baby three. And my baby three is a dream, seriously, so easy and chill so you can get lucky and it can all go right because It did for me. But you dont have to do if you don’t want Thats probably the only reason I would have terminated was if I just didn’t want a baby three. Best wishes

For me, myself in my shoes, I think it best for babies to be pro-actively wanted from the beginning. If we haven’t chosen to go through pregnancy, go through mothering, parenting, why accept it just because unexpectedly contraception fails?

If however there is an accident, a mishap, a lapse in practice, and pregnancy occurs and it makes you think ‘wow! That’s brilliant, how fantastic’ then go for it!

If it doesn’t, don’t.

But, that’s just me.

I'm 36 and pregnant with my second, I wouldn't consider your age to be a problem at all. Also the gap isn't bad at all. My son will be 4 when this baby arrives and it seems absolutely perfect to me. He'll be at school so I'll be able to give the baby attention without him feeling pushed out.

I was a surprise 3rd child and my mam was also a surprise 3rd child. I'm so glad we both came along. My mam was the closest to her parents and had an amazing relationship with her mother whereas her older siblings either moved away and visited every 2 years or just didn't come around often. Similar story with me, my brother and sister have fallen out with a parent each and didn't see much of them even beforehand. Whereas I see both my parents regularly and they see my son regularly too. We'd all be living very different lives without the surprise 3rd babies!

I’m 37 and just had our third. He was planned and he’s 14 weeks now. We did miscary before him with a baby at 13 weeks as she had pataus. So it was a long road to get him. We always said we only wanted two children but ds is almost 10 and dd is 6 so a big gap! We also have been travelling longhaul the last few years but once my dd started school, we had an itch we couldn’t scratch and knew we wanted one more as we are financially able to and our 2 kids are quite well behaved.

I don’t think u will regret either decision but I will say it’s not been as easy as I thought. Everyone told me the third will just ‘slot in’ but he defo hasn’t. That’s not to say yours won’t. It is getting easier very slowly though and I don’t regret him. We are still travelling longhaul with him in 2 weeks time too. Although only 8 hours. We had been doing 11/12 hours flights before. But that day will come again and it’s not forever. It is all just a season. One day our house will be empty :(

someone once told me u don’t regret the children u have but u do regret the children u don’t have. So many older women told me they wished they had more and thinks that’s what persuaded me to have a third.

Hello
so I was in exactly the same position as you, older kids same age.
I had an abortion, and am very sad about it but not regretful.
The differences with your story are:

• we were not sorted with our jobs and a lot was uncertain and up in the air
• hubby was supportive but really didn’t want to have it, was very distressed by the idea of having an unplanned pregnancy

so, I feel sad because of how if we had been in a better situation with our jobs, and if we had talked about it before getting pregnant, I would have absolutely loved to have a third. It just wasn’t the right time for us. If it could possibly be the right time for you, and if your hubby isn’t absolutely devastated as mine was, I say go for it. X

I wouldn’t say your age is an issue.
You need to think beyond the
baby, do you want and can you cope with and afford a 3rd child/teenager.
All the best with whatever you decide OP.

I’d keep the baby. I think an abortion would be too traumatising.

I had my third at 37/38 and it was by far the easiest pregnancy, so don't assume things will be harder because of your age.

There's no right or wrong answer in your situation though as it's so personal.

Just on the “only set us back 3 years” point, unfortunately I don’t think this is necessarily true. My parents had a surprise 3rd (not me) and for the rest of our childhood activities were heavily curtailed to the youngest. It also put an end to any long haul travel because there are few rooms which sleep 5 so the cost was prohibitive. It also meant we couldn’t necessarily do the clubs or hobbies we wanted as there were only two parents available to take us so if we all wanted to do something at the same time, one missed out.

Of course if you want a third then go for it, but I don’t think it’s as simple as just a 3 year reset.

What makes you think that? Plenty of people including me have had abortions that weren’t traumatising at all.