Wanting another pregnancy soon after a traumatic birth experience

[Daisieblues]

Hi everyone.

i had my daughter 9 months ago after and amazing pregnancy but awful labour experience. I won’t go into loads of detail but essentially unwanted induction, midwives not supportive/felt bullied/ignored, ending in instrumental I don’t feel I fully consented to. I am getting help from perinatal mental health. I found it really difficult to advocate for myself and have since learned a lot about my rights etc.

i know it seems contradictory but I just have an extremely strong desire to become pregnant again. I do want a big family but we would ideally have waited probably around another 18 months to TTC again, I do feel the trauma from the birth is pushing me to feel like I need to do it sooner, almost like a second chance.

does anyone have any advice for me (please be kind). I am also starting a new job when I go back to work so feel like it’s not the best time and I would feel worried what they might think if I start pregnant, especially as they’ve already waited for me during this mat leave.

I felt the opposite I think upon my own first birth trauma and wanted to leave it as long as possible (in the end 3 years so not all that long really).

I would advise giving yourself a bit of time to recover and heal. You don’t want to enter the second labour in fight or flight mode.

I think it’s good that you aren’t put off another though, and that you feel confident that you will one day go through labour again (hopefully with a much better experience).

Best wishes 😊 - my second, and subsequent third and fourth labours, were much better!

Gently OP, there's a huge element of luck in birth. Including what care team you get, as you already found out, and so much more. I completely get the urge to 'replace' a traumatic first birth, but if that's the main reason you're moving up your timeline I would reconsider.

How would you find two little ones in nappies? Have you and your partner found a routine where you each get time to yourself yet? What are your aspirations at work? Financially how would mat leave look for you? What's your physical health like postpartum? If you had a 'worse' birth, how would you feel?

Best of luck with your decision . 💐

I had babies close together and I would strongly recommend ensuring you’re are fully physically recovered first. Although an 18 month gap isn’t tiny.

I think there is a very strong urge to have a “perfect” pregnancy and birth and post birth experience- the one the media sells us.

Having another baby may not actually “fix” that.

There is no perfect age gap, just ensure that you are not being driven emotionally and ignoring your health/logic Etc.

I had 4 inductions and never had any intervention beyond ARM with 2. Sadly childbirth is still risky with lots of unknowns.

💐

Thank you. I think my brain is craving almost like a ‘do over’. You are right, it’s a risk as to how I would feel once labour did arrive, as it’s all still quite raw. I’m sorry to hear you had a traumatic first birth experience, but really glad your next births were better for you 😊

Thank you for your reply. You’re so right about the element of luck, I guess that’s why it feels so unfair but ultimately it is life isn’t it.

You make a good point about the practical side of things. I know I would adapt but it would of course be hard, and a huge life change to go from 0-2 children. We are in a good routine now however and quite settled.

I think job wise and leave wise, we’d make do. I’m not massively ambitious currently but I was before having my daughter, so maybe once I’m back I’ll feel differently.

Physically I feel pretty much recovered, I did have some issues with my hip and coccyx for quite a few months post birth. And on reflection, it did really get me down. I’m not sure how ready I’d feel to go through that again 😢 I am also still breastfeeding so I know that can deplete you.

I wouldn’t be totally against having interventions again/it being ‘worse’ in that regard. It is more about how I’m treated by midwives etc- again however not something I can control fully. Although I do feel myself and partner could advocate for me much better now.

thank you so much for your help thinking it all through 😌

thank you for your reply, it’s really useful to hear from someone who has had babies closer together.

I agree social media has a lot to answer for in making us feel bad about our experiences.

You make a good point about thinking logically, it does really feel like head vs heart. We did write a list of pros and cons, which proved it would be better to wait on paper, however within a few days I felt the same again.

you are so right about the riskiness, I don’t think we’re necessarily prepared for this when we are pregnant which is why it can feel like such a shock.

thank you again for your advice.

Have you had a debrief/birth reflections meeting? Sounds like that may be useful to a) help understand why they advised whatever interventions they did b) discuss how you felt about some of the midwifery communications you mention.

I had a birth reflections meeting before Christmas, but we didn’t spend much time looking at my notes (the midwife also said she hadn’t had time to read them 😩). I have requested them (I have also made a formal complaint which is pending) so thinking about going again once I’ve got them/when complaint has come back.

My advice is get trying asap and have an elcs and buy in some good home help for first 3m....

Also try "three step rewind" therapy to help process the trauma of your first birth.

Im as skeptical as they come and it was incredibly helpful for me despite me expecting it to do less than zero.

Perfect pregnancies and gap and births are 0.2% of being a parent. Dont get too hung up it if you can help it.
I had 2 under 2... they are 2 and 4 now ots great but a 2.5 or 3 yr gap would def have been easier for me

I’ve heard about birth rewind, so glad to hear it helped you. I am going to do EMDR so hopefully that will help. I think it makes sense for me to at least wait until I’ve had this and see how I feel but it just feels like a long wait 😩😅

you’re so right it is such a small part of being a parent, it does bug me that I’m so hung up about the birth tbh.

Thank you for sharing your experience, it’s super helpful to hear about how you found it with your little ones.

My second birth was even more traumatic than the first. 2 instrumentals. Most stories are about how amazing and healing the 2nd one was, but it doesn’t always happen I’m sorry to say.

I’m really sorry to hear you had 2 traumatic experiences 😣 you do hear a lot about a healing second experience, which I’ve probably latched onto, it is wishful thinking. I do need a dose of reality which you have provided there. Thank you.

I would honestly wait. I think it's an understandable reaction to trauma but there's no guarantee that a 2nd birth will be 'healing' in the sense that it will go perfectly. It's always best to go into it with an open mind as intervention might be necessary. Having had 2 of mine 18 months apart, having two babies is hard! I think a gap of 2.5/3 years is easier.

it definitely feels like a trauma reaction. you’re right there are no guarantees. it’s easy to romanticise another pregnancy. Everyone’s replies are really helping me to think more practically, thank you for sharing 🙏

I lost my first son. Traumatic doesn’t even come into it. My second was born at 33+1 via emergency section so fast they had to use general anaesthetic. I didn’t get to see my baby until four hours after he was born. In fact, I woke up not even knowing if he was alive. I don’t know who first held him, who did his first feed, who changed his first nappy, etc, because it certainly wasn’t me or his dad. It was horrific having to stay on post natal with all the big, full term babies crying all night and families walking in and out all the time while I sat there on my own and sobbed in absolute agony. They wouldn’t give me anything except two paracetamol every 6 hours and expected me to be up and in NICU expressing milk every 2 hours around the clock from the first day. I’ll never ever get over it. I’m having therapy and PTSD therapy, but it’s not a magic wand. No healing birth.

I was absolutely desperate for my second son’s birth to be the healing experience I needed it to be and, in truth, his birth was so much worse than my first son’s (except for the obvious outcome of my first son not surviving). I had visions of him being lifted onto my chest, full term, crying loudly and being the first one to finally hold a living baby I grew. I imagined the photos they’d take of us meeting him, golden hour, first feed. I got none of it. I couldn’t have even imagined how bad it would end up being.

I’d still love a healing birth, I know they happen for some people, but if we decide to have more children, I won’t be counting on it, sadly. I think our brains are absolutely wired to want to feel empowered by the experience of giving birth instead of victimised by it. Things are not always in our control though, and it’s the first thing we have to accept when we become pregnant. We have no way to foresee the outcome.

I'm sorry you had a traumatic time and wish you peace going forward.

I’m so sorry to hear of your experiences, rest in peace to your son 💐😔 you are so strong I can’t even imagine. Thank you for sharing your story with me. And thank you for your well wishes, wishing you all the best in your healing.

You probably already know this but in case you didn’t - the hormones following birth can make you very broody! I had this, as well as a few people I know. Others didn’t have it. You sound like it is partly just your body trying to get another baby! Totally normal.

Thank you. I definitely do feel broody at times - our bodies are funny in how they are designed aren’t they 😅

Your birth sounds very similar to mine! And around the 9 months I felt very broody but it wasn't the right time. I ended up having a 3 year gap and I did end up with a healing labour and birth, although I still had an induction. However it was so different to my first labour.

Thank you for you reply, I’m so glad to hear things worked out better for you 😌 I’ve been quite put off by the idea of ever having another induction, so it’s good to know you still had a good experience despite this.

I was adamant that I didn't want an induction all through my pregnancy, however the baby suddenly slowed down her growth and I thought that it may be for the best. I did go to a different hospital than the first birth.

I think it’s more about how you’re treated sometimes rather than the induction itself, at least that’s how I felt in my case. I wouldn’t want to go to the same hospital, I feel I was failed at pretty much every stage by them.

It sounds like your birth experience was similar to mine. Weirdly, i just put it aside, didn’t think about it, got pregnant again (kept saying, i would like two and i just want to get it over and done with) when my first born was 13 months.
Then when I had my midwife appointment and was asked how the first birth went i just couldn’t stop crying. I was offered counselling for PTSD.
I was also advised to “pretend that i wanted a home birth, and then at the last minute say I’d prefer to be in hospital” because that way I would have a dedicated team of 5 midwives who I would all meet and two of them would be at the birth. Even if i ended up having the baby in the hospital.
I’m far from your typical home birth candidate - in fact with my first one i seriously considered an elective Caesarian because I don’t see any merit in unnecessary pain.
Anyway, i went along with that advice but the closer i got to the birth the more i thought I might as well have a home birth.
For explanation: During my first birth the midwife was terrible, barely spent any time with me despite me asking repeatedly for an epidural. By the time she finally listened it was too late and i gave birth just with gas and air (and the help of some instruments)

so my second daughter was born at home, gas and air, no instruments, i had two midwives with me at all times and all was fine.

as a previous poster mentioned, it’s so much down to luck. We are always peddled this idea of control, but as uncomfortable as it might seem, we don’t have any control over the truly important things in Iife.
There’s never a perfect time to get pregnant, a perfect age gap etc.
I think if i was you I’d go for it. And just try and make the best of what life, pregnancy, birth etc throws at me.

All the very best

Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I feel like I just pushed it down the first few months, you’ve got enough to worry about with a new baby haven’t you, but then it all came back to me too. I wasn’t taken to delivery suite / given any effective pain relief until I was 8cm dilated. So I understand how scary it is to be in that situation, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I have thought about a home birth, it appeals to me in my head as at least if I’m at home there’s no arguing about whether I’m in ‘established labour’ or not, or about finding somewhere for me to give birth (there were no beds). I coped well with labour until then, it was sheer panic that overwhelmed me from not being listened to.

You're right we often don’t have much control over these things. I think part of my want to try again is so I can have more control. I get birth is totally unpredictable but everything was just done to me I wasn’t given any say, I think we should at least have some control over that (to a reasonable degree). I wouldn’t have necessarily said no to the interventions, but just being asked would’ve prevented a lot of trauma for me.

thank you for your reply and well wishes 😊

I had a truly horrific birth with my first, then had my second quite quickly afterwards. When I went for my antenatal appointment with ds2, the midwife recognised me and asked me what the hell I thought I was doing 😆

I had a much, much better experience with my second and it was actually quite healing. It was still a difficult birth (shoulder dystocia this time!) and I still ended up with a PPH and blood transfusions, but it was a walk in the park compared with what I went through the first time.

I have never regretted it for a second. Having the two close together was the right choice.