Unexpected pregnancy with new partner and a child already

[Rosesandstuff]

I can't believe I've been so stupid, will just put that disclaimer there now, but I've just found out that I'm pregnant. I've only been with my boyfriend for 10 months and I already have a 4 year old DS. Haven't told bf yet because I've literally just found out and he's busy with a friend atm. We don't live together. He doesn't even know if he wants kids. I know he won't want this one. I don't even know if I want this one. Would turn our lives upside down completely and I don't know if our relationship would survive it.

I think I need - advice - what would you do if you were me? Keep the baby or not?
And positive stories if you've been in a similar situation and kept the baby.

Can you afford to go it alone and how would it impact your young child?

I would worry that if the new relationship didn't work out then you have to deal with the logistics (and maybe stress) and co parent with 2 dads and 2 children forever. I read so many stories on here of ex partners being a nightmare to co parent with.

No. Because the consequences of a pregnancy are on you. So you are making a stupid decision knowing you will bear the consequences. He is making a stupid decision knowing you will bear the consequences. That’s the difference

Think of your child that is here already, don’t be disrupting his little life with having a baby with a man you barely know, that’s what you should be sad about not a bunch of cells…

Do you want another child? Would you be prepared to be a single mum of two?

If you are prepared to go it alone then your decision making is very different.

I wouldn't have a baby in the expectation of the relationship lasting (not to say it won't but you can't decide on that basis) but if I felt able to add another to a single parent household then I perhaps would. Four years is a nice age gap.

But this is the thing, he doesn’t sound like a keeper… but if OP has his baby, she’s literally stuck with him for decades. Even if he’s a totally absent father, she’s still stuck with the effects of that on their shared child. He will literally be a part of her life forever.

I dunno OP, only you know how you feel about this pregnancy. I would personally terminate, but if you want another baby and think it will not have a negative impact on your son, you can afford to have this child, you can see yourself coparenting in a healthy way with the father, then you have some thinking to do x

Can I ask how old you are? Is there a possibility this is could be one of the last chances to have another child?

What about the thought of keeping it, with a partner who doesn’t sound as though he wants children, in a new relationship, when you already have a child. Think of what this will mean for the child you already have, how will it affect their life, will you be working, is your home big enough, will you want your partner to be part of both childrens lives, is your other child’s father involved in their life?

I can see that you are torn, but sometimes the decisions we have to make are the ones that are painful to us in our hearts but right for us in our heads.

I wouldn’t keep it but you did ask and it’s because I wouldn’t want to be a single mum again

I would still think a termination would be the better option for your existing child.

The consequences are also on op's existing child and the potential new baby.

Agreed, I absolutely would not be keeping this pregnancy

What is your set up? Do you work, how secure is your housing etc? If I knew I could support another child on my own, return to work etc post maternity leave or whatever only then would I consider it.

You have a right to control your fertility (and the direction of your life) and an early termination would help you do just that. You'd then have the chance to get to know this man better, if that's what you want, and maybe have a child with him further down the line. If you continue, things will take care of themselves and they may well not turn out as you might hope.

I had an abortion in my 20s and felt very sad about it, of course. But I knew it was the right choice for me at the time. I think most women who terminate have qualms and ask themselves 'what if?' You should do what is right for you and your existing child but keep a clear head.

It really depends on your age. If late 30s/40s I wouldn’t terminate

Sounds like you want to keep the baby OP which is your right. Babies bring their love with them. It’ll be tough but as someone said assume at the 5, 10, 15 mark etc that you’ll be a single mum of two then anything else is a bonus but you need to prepare for that outcome.

Everyone is different.

In your shoes I'd give zero fucks about my partners feelings and even if he was desperate to have it, it would barely factor in my decision making.
As even in the unlikely event he "wants a baby" notionally that doesnt mean he actually wants a baby irl and certainly doesnt mean he wants a 4 yo...

My decision would be centred on my 4 yo and to a lesser extend whats best for me.

I have a 4 yo myself and there is zero way I'd carry on with a pregnancy and bring both a baby and (to her) a random man into her life.

My priority would be my dependent child and I wouldnt undermine her safety and happiness for a "my heart wants"...so on that basis I'd terminate.

If your 4 yo knew him you'd lived together happily for years yada yada and everyone wanted a baby ... yeah sure.

But this has disaster written all over it.

You are 30... this isnt your "last shot"

Well, it may not be the right time, but you know what motherhood is. The love, the success and the hardships.. I had the perfect partner whose job meant I did it all.. as it took him away..

Has your little one met him op? How is he with her if so?

Can I just say stop answering for your partner stop talking for him and stop assuming he will be dead set against it and pushing you for termination.

i am currently 18 weeks pregnant with my 2nd child with the same father as my first, he explicitly said he had his children as he had an older child and that he was done. I always told him I wasn’t and for this reason I didn’t see us lasting etc. For a teeny bit of context I came off my contraception 18 months ago told him told everyone that it was happening but to be fair this was because my body was feeling it I was up down everywhere and also aching through my joints and bones. We also weren’t active enough to be considered as trying it was a once every 3/4 month thing.

anyway to the point, I found out I was pregnant literally 6 days after my period was due but didn’t tell anyone in the immediate circle just friends and my work colleagues. I then told my partner and I framed it as I know you won’t want it but blah blah blah and he called me instantly and said “hold on a second I was done ofcourse I’m done but I always understood you weren’t so if you want this baby I’m supporting you no matter what” and that was 12 weeks ago with nothing but support kindness and everything inbetween so he very well may not want it but don’t cut him off and write him off completely before even letting him speak for himself.

As for me I’d have to make sure I was confident and comfortable in my decision. I sat with the fact I pregnant for a month debating on it before telling my own mum and partner but I just had it deep in me that I could not terminate. You just know in your gut I think.

anyways I truly hope you’re okay and that you pick wnd choose to do what ever is right for your life nobody else’s.

oh and to add to that of my post and seeing what a previous poster said

I didn’t think about anyone else’s opinions not even the fathers all I was thinking about was my life and my child who’s already with me and her life how it would change be impacted etc because regardless of daddy or nanny the real two peoples lives that change are mine and my current child.

you’ve got this either way!

If it were me, I would keep the baby, but absolutely it's a personal choice. If you're struggling with the idea of aborting then you don't have to. Absolutely listen to and consider all the facts, but it is 100% your decision and it's OK to be guided by your own needs over and above your partner's.

Unless your baby is 100% wanted and will be cherished, I would think seriously about bringing them into the world. Parenting is hard enough with two married parents who wanted their children.

I think you should make your own choice about what’s best for you and your family.