Unexpected pregnancy with new partner and a child already

[Rosesandstuff]

I can't believe I've been so stupid, will just put that disclaimer there now, but I've just found out that I'm pregnant. I've only been with my boyfriend for 10 months and I already have a 4 year old DS. Haven't told bf yet because I've literally just found out and he's busy with a friend atm. We don't live together. He doesn't even know if he wants kids. I know he won't want this one. I don't even know if I want this one. Would turn our lives upside down completely and I don't know if our relationship would survive it.

I think I need - advice - what would you do if you were me? Keep the baby or not?
And positive stories if you've been in a similar situation and kept the baby.

Has he met your DS? Does your DS like him?

How far along are you? Truthfully if I were in your situation if you’re less than 8 weeks I’d get an abortion. Not every time is right for a baby. Sometimes you need to be practical. (I say this having suffered a miscarriage at 9 weeks and whilst it wasn’t pleasant in truth it was no worse than a really bad period, but nor am I deeply sentimental about the loss, everyone is different about these things). Do what is right for you alone, right now. Your partner shouldn’t factor into the decision as it sounds like he’ll not be much use anyway.

The emotional impact of an abortion can be very different to a miscarriage. Not really comparable.

If you don’t want the baby, OP, then don’t have it, but also don’t have an abortion because you feel pressured.

@itrezcbmko I was trying to put my emphasis on what the physical aspect of it was like rather than the emotional, as I’m aware that could be a worrying part of the decision, I did add the caveat that these things are different for everyone and I’m well aware that the decision to have an abortion isn’t an easy one, and the emotional toll is likely to be different to a miscarriage, however the OP asked for personal opinion, but thanks for dismissing me and my experience so succinctly.

I was in a similar situation to you and I terminated. It was the right decision for me and to this day I don’t regret it.
Do what you think is right but even if your bf says he is onboard - when making your decision I would assume he isn’t.

Apologies if I’ve upset you.

I agree that the physical aspect of an early abortion or miscarriage isn’t anything to worry about, but I would hate OP to dismiss the emotional impact it can have afterwards if an abortion is because a woman feels under pressure to have one.

Honestly the reason I would consider an abortion is because you have a 4 year old. Are you ready to get serious, really quick becuase of this surprise pregnancy when you haven’t been together that long and already have a child? Whatever you choose make sure it comes from your gut and no one else’s but that would personally be what I would do

About 6 weeks. My head tells me that's the practical thing to do but my heart tells me otherwise!

I g don't think it's on anyone's best interests that I keep this baby. But the thought of not keeping it is making me sad...

Feeling sad is preferable to the shit show that this situation has the potential to become.

How old are you? Do you want more kids at some point?
Sounds like you are leaning more towards abortion and that looks like it makes sense if it’s what you want.

I would also not continue with the pregnancy. You don’t mention what your relationship is like, but if he doesn’t want kids it’s not a good idea to have one.

There is nothing romantic about having a baby with someone who might not want kids, and who you've only been with for a short time. It's not like the movies. It's hard enough in a committed relationship where it's all been planned.

I kept the baby many many years ago, and thought I could change the father, he'll fall in love with me when the baby arrives etc. Oh my gosh, I could not have been more wrong. It was a total nightmare with a decade worth of custody battles, lies being told, the poor child suffering greatly, etc. Honestly? In my case I wish I'd had a termination. It felt heartbreaking to think of it at the time, but it would have been the best thing by far.

I'm 30. I'd like one more, one day. I've always said I'd like to do it 'properly' the second time round. No regrets about my DS!!! But obviously that relationship didn't work out and I don't want that to happen again.

So are you saying the condom split? Or did he knowingly have sex with you without one knowing that that could result in pregnancy?

Everyone saying terminate - is this mainly because my partner doesn't want it? I'm just curious really. What would your thoughts be if he did want it? We have only been together a short time, don't live together and I already have a kid. Still not practical but both of us wanted it? (Completely hypothetical!)

The second one. It was literally once, we were a little tipsy. As I said before. Stupid stupid stupid.

I’m opposite to many above - I would choose a baby rather than a man every time. This man doesn’t massively sound like a keeper anyway.

I think if you feel sick at the thought of having an abortion that’s a sign.
if you are mainly okay with it and can see the logical side of it because the impact is not good on your life and your DS then I would abort especially as you are so early (If I were 12 weeks for example it would feel different for me)

FYI I’ve had a termination and also backed out of one and kept the baby (10 years apart) you do feel differently for this IMO. One was almost painless emotionally the other was devastating to try to make myself abort

If he doesn’t want kids, and he had sex without a condom, then he isn’t ‘stupid, stupid, stupid’ he’s an arsehole.

The baby doesn’t get to choose the man, they’re lumbered with them for many years.

Me too

But you do what you want, not what you think he will want

I would personally terminate just because even if this baby was wanted by both parents, for me it would be too much of a gamble on your and your existing child’s future to go all in with a new baby with such a new partner.

But OP do what you want to do, don’t be guided by a man. If you want this baby and you can cope if things go wrong with your relationship then you can really choose whatever you feel is best overall.

Takes two to tango. I'm an arsehole too I guess!

I think it’s the picture you’re painting of a short relationship and a man who doesn’t sound at all sure of himself. It doesn’t sound like he’d necessarily be happy to be a father. I’m guessing you’re not sure of him either. You’ve still got a few years left before you really need to start worrying if you do want another. Perhaps tell him and see what his response is, that may help you firm up your decision, although sadly it could also be the end of the relationship. So hard to know and I’m sorry you’re feeling sad it’s such a tough spot to find yourself in. Perhaps also envisage your future with the baby and without him, write out the pros and cons, the costs, both material and emotional and what you might have to sacrifice if you chose to go it alone. Good luck.

My existing child is definitely the biggest factor in any decision making, you're right