Feeling overwhelmed by in-laws' excitement and pressure before the birth

[Firsttimemum0507]

I’m due in July but think she will defo be here in June and and my partners parents who I get on with well seem to be so over the top (understandably excited) but they keep saying ‘how’s my baby growing’ etc and I laugh and say my baby is fine but now it’s getting a lot, especially when we mention names his mum will say oh no not that one and I respond jokingly but it’s really getting me down. When I bring this up with my partner who has been so supportive he thinks I’m being dramatic and I keep saying I’d like to have at least 1 day of no visitors if we are able to come home same day etc but he doesn’t understand and wants to have people over and now I feel super overwhelmed with the birth nearing, I’m worried to bring this up to them myself as they are a different culture (but not religious) and I don’t want to upset anyone.

You need to assert yourself over the visitor situation. Stop thinking that you can’t do what’s right for you, in case you upset anyone. Be extremely clear about what you want, after the birth and stick to it.

Don’t discuss names with anyone other than your baby’s father. It’s no one else’s business.

Your DH needs to get onto the same page as you over visitors and the baby. As a new mother, I felt as though I’d suddenly become a possession of the in-laws - yes, I know it’s exciting for them to have a grandchild, but if you don’t set boundaries early on, you’ll end up resenting them. Tell your DH that you need at least a day once you’re home just to get used to the baby and sort out feeding. If your baby is to be BF, make sure you have somewhere you can go to to be quiet if you need to - BF is not a spectator sport, and I could never have done it in front of of my FIL. As for names, say nothing, because PIL will weigh in with their two penn’orth. Your house, your baby, your rules. I’d make it clear to MIL that while you’ll be delighted to see them once baby has arrived, you’d prefer to have a couple of days to yourself first.

Lets the IL's visit at the hospital. They will be excited and then they can come a few days later after you are settled at home.

No visiting for hours as you need to rest/feed.
An hour every other day is plenty.

Never discuss names in advance, people think you are asking for opinions.

Ince the baby is born they are usually much more polite.

Remind him that 40 years ago you would have spent at least 3 days in hospital after a straightforward delivery and that women are not discharged recovered and ready for visitors these days.

Has he attended any ante-natal classes with you? This kind of thing is normally covered there.

If there’s no rush to go home- for childcare or whatever I’d try and stay in the hospital for a bit rather thank asking to go home. The staff there will take your instructions rather than your husbands on visitors and gatekeep for you if he isn’t prepared to do it.

Id even say to your husband you want to go home, but will ask to stay in hospital a little longer to establish BF if he won’t support you in no visitors for the first few hours at home.

Ask your DP how he’d feel if his penis had been ripped open and he was bleeding and in pain and you invited your parents round to visit.

Sorry to be graphic, but so many men/GPs think about the exciting new baby and forget the woman who has just been through possibly the most painful (though also magical) experience of her life and/or surgery.

If your DP would be happy for your parents to visit the same day he’d had a penis operation on potentially zero sleep then he’s a particularly weird dude, and he really can’t expect that you’d want the same thing.

You tell him it's you that's giving birth so it's you who decides when people an visit.

40 years ago, and today, in most civilised countries!

You are having a baby but you are also giving birth or having major abdominal surgery, you don’t know which yet. Both are gruelling, and historically dangerous. Many, many cultures have a variation on the 40 days of seclusion in which mother and baby don’t go out and are looked after, often by the woman’s mother, before the wider world welcomes the baby.

In the very first days you will be bleeding considerably and recovering and trying to establish feeding. Your baby may be feeding as often as every 1.5 to 2 hours.

You need to have a serious conversation with your partner. He is completely dismissing you and minimising what you’re about to go through.

You are going to give birth, be uncomfortable, vulnerable, exhausted and trying to navigate life with a new born. You are the one who gets to call the shots in this situation.

Make it clear to him that you do not want visitors for the first week at least and he had to make that very clear to his parents.

This is one situation in life where you need to advocate for yourself, speak up and put yourself first.

Just to add, midwives are your friends here. Ask them to talk to him if he isn’t listening to you. Adrenaline and anxiety slow labour. If you’re worried about dealing with his parents and focusing on that and if he’ll support you, you aren’t going to be concentrating on what you need to be doing.

Your midwife can get him to understand this, and that his only job during the birth is to support and look after you.

Oh god I feel for you!
with my first my MIL and BIL wanted to be in the waiting room at hosp whilst I was in labour.
I shut that down straight away!
in this situation you need to be totally honest with them.

keep any names to yourself as people always spoil it.

if your partner won’t tell them no visitors for a day or two then you need to.
‘with birth approaching I’m just letting people know now that I want a couple of days just us to settle in at home and recover’
simple and straight to the point, anyone who is to argue with that is crazy.
naybe allow an hour visit at the hospital.
in my area with your first your always kept in a day

Only discuss names on here with us and with hubby.

But seriously, you need to sit him down and tell him how stressed you are.

Next time they ask how their baby is growing, tell them hubby is getting a bit chubby actually.

It does sound like it's coming from a place of love, but I think you might need to have a frank conversation with mother in law too

40 years ago - it was 7 days minimum, usually 10 where I trained. With 2 hours visiting in the afternoon, only 2 people at any one time. The evening visiting slot was for fathers only.

You are not unreasonable to want breathing space when you get home. Enlist the help of other new parents to persuade your DP. And any visitors are expected to stay a max of an hour unless they're hoovering, washing up or preparing a meal (not for them to share with you, just for you and DP). And practise saying 'No' - it will stand you in very good stead.

Oh and I totally agree about names - do not discuss with with anyone, unless your happy to tease people about Joke names.

Yes I felt the same way. My inlaws arrived at the hospital right when i was trying to BF for the 1st time (they live 20 min drive away). I felt upset as I'd rather have seen my own parents 1st but they lived 3 hours away etc. I felt like absolute shit after my 1st birth. Didn't want to see anyone, barely got dressed, cried all the time etc. Totally overwhelmed by this tiny human I was meant to keep alive who was awake all night and who needed my boobs constantly. You just don't know how you will feel post birth.

My answer is always the same can you imagine your the new gran and told no don't come. Also it has to apply to your family as well. I had people in for 1 hour and they knew that and respected it

100% this! So much bleeding post birth. sore stitches, maybe a tear, maybe an awful forceps delivery. Sore cracked nipples leaking often or massively engorged. It passes fairly quickly but I can still remember with my 2nd (& last) going round to PIL house with a 7 day old baby as it was Christmas Day (I know! he was 10 days late so born 18th Dec 🙄) - it was so overwhelming but thank god it wasn't my 1st baby!!! or I'd have had a breakdown I think. Even trying to find something nice to wear whilst i was still strapping maxi pads into my knickers seemed overwhelming. Everytime he cried -' oh he must be hungry' & being passed around like a parcel. I wish I'd advocated for myself more but at that most vulnerable time in my life I'm still resentful (and my DC are 22 & 18 now) that my DH didn't put my needs 1st and, as usual, wanted to be a people pleaser & not rock the boat. Oh and I had to hide away upstairs and BF as his parents found it all a bit uncomfortable. (glad to escape upstairs tbh).

I wonder how soon MIL had visitors ?
It all sounds very overwhelming. And overbearing.
I agree not to discuss names anymore. You will wait and see….

As to having people over, you will have to make sure they are all well first.

You cannot assume they will be. And nor can they.

Solidarity OP, currently in a similar situation.

Don’t be afraid to upset people - you are the most important person in your birth and recovery. Their feelings are irrelevant. I spoke to my ILs solo and said I’m not planning any visitors for a couple of weeks and I will be in touch if that changes. My MIL had a little rant about the importance of the village but it is up to YOU what that looks like.

My DH didn’t understand the no visitors for a while point until I showed him an animated video of a C-section and explained what an episiotomy is. He has changed his tune now.

My great niece let it be known there would be no visitors for the first two weeks after the birth. Everyone respected this and I admire her for setting the boundaries
Your husband is being stupid and his parents are being selfish. As the other poster said tell him exactly what the aftermath of birth will be like and remind your mother in law.
They can all go in a huff but it won't last as they will want to see the baby.

Are you doing any kind of antenatal classes together? I think it might be good for him to see other couples, see how the partners are supporting the pregnant women and putting their needs first, and hear more detail about the actual process of birth and recovery.

I've noticed a few threads where a young woman is about to have, or has had, her first baby and is being walked all over by their DH and relatives. That is absolutely not okay. When you come home with your new baby it's one of the most vulnerable times of your life - your body is trying to heal, your milk is coming in, you are trying to care for a baby and your instincts as a mother won't yet have developed so you will possibly feel unsure about things as you are learning - the very last thing you need at a time like that are pushy in laws in your face. It's hard, but you have got to be assertive and make your boundaries known. If your DH and in laws can't even give you one single day to get used to being at home with baby and bonding with baby in peace then shame on them, because they ought to have your welfare as one of their top priorities. One day, frankly, isn't really enough anyway. You need to get tough - sit your husband down and firmly explain to him that you need some time to heal and bond with baby before visitors descend - remind him that going through labour takes a huge toll on your body and it's completely reasonable to want some time alone with baby before everyone starts visiting, you need to bond and get a routine going. If he doesn't get that then he ought to be ashamed of himself.

My first grandchild is on the way and I'm so excited, but also terrified of being the nightmare interfering MIL 😄

I think it's hard to get the balance right, but I've settled for offering help wherever I can and whether they take me up on it is up to them.