Feeling overwhelmed by in-laws' excitement and pressure before the birth

[Firsttimemum0507]

I’m due in July but think she will defo be here in June and and my partners parents who I get on with well seem to be so over the top (understandably excited) but they keep saying ‘how’s my baby growing’ etc and I laugh and say my baby is fine but now it’s getting a lot, especially when we mention names his mum will say oh no not that one and I respond jokingly but it’s really getting me down. When I bring this up with my partner who has been so supportive he thinks I’m being dramatic and I keep saying I’d like to have at least 1 day of no visitors if we are able to come home same day etc but he doesn’t understand and wants to have people over and now I feel super overwhelmed with the birth nearing, I’m worried to bring this up to them myself as they are a different culture (but not religious) and I don’t want to upset anyone.

Does your partner come to midwife appts? If so this is a perfect opportunity for your community midwife to spell out how important the first few days are.

if you’re planning on breastfeeding you won’t want to be doing it in front of your father in law, what’s more important to him, you and his child or his parents?

I always encourage parents to have 3-4 days at home just the parents and baby (obviously siblings if they have them), it reduces infection risks and increases the chances of successful breastfeeding (if that’s your method of choice of course) skin to skin is amazing but again you won’t want to do that with your in laws there.

as for names, don’t share them, everyone has an opinion in pregnancy, very few will share opinions once told that is a child’s name…..

I don’t think there’s any rule of when you have parents to visit.. see how you feel? To people saying op shouldn’t allow grandparents to see the baby even briefly for a week sorry but that’s just ridiculous unless of course something’s really wrong. So many posts where people complain grandparents show no interest!

As the person who has just gone through (probably) the most painful event of your life, who is probably still in some pain, bleeding, lactating, trying to breastfeed you can most certainly dictate who comes to visit or not. The "new gran" can wait a week or longer even before she meets the baby, I don't understand this obsession with meeting a baby the second it has crowned? The thing is though if your own parents come to visit, they come to see you and make sure you are ok, if your in-laws come to visit, they are coming to see that new baby, not you.

When I had my third child it was a difficult birth that ended in forceps, I lost a lot of blood and wasn't very well. I ended up staying in for a few days, the baby obviously stayed too but he was completely fine. When I got out of hospital I saw the constant barrage of messages to my husband from my in-laws asking was the baby ok, why is HE being kept in longer, what's going on? It never crossed their minds that it was actually me who was unwell and not once did the messages ask if I was ok! Zero concern for me. Meanwhile my own parent's and sister were concerned about me, they'd been told the baby was fine like my in-laws and realised it must be me who isn't well enough to go home. I didn't actually have any visitors for a week after that birth, I just needed to have some space to recover a little, I felt absolutely dreadful and could barely walk or sit. They are still a newborn at a week old, there is absolutely no rush for people to visit!!

It's your husband's job here to be gatekeeper and manage expectations, I'm so so glad my husband was on the same page as me and completely respected when I felt ready to visit/have people over. I have never had any visitors to hospital except my husband, I'm just not up for that invite every man and his dog over to pass the baby around an hour after you've given birth and have barely had time to shower nevermind attempt breastfeeding without an audience, no thank you.

Never ever share potential baby names before the baby arrives, only share the name when annoucing the arrival of the baby.

Is this your first baby? Even if it's not you have no idea how the birth will go and how you'll feel/be afterwards.

Imo it's completely unreasonable for your husband to make plans based on what he or your in laws want! This should absolutely be led by you and how you feel.....and to say you are being dramatic is bang out of order.

My first was born early hours of a Monday morning, didn't get home until the Wednesday afternoon and by that weekend we had my in laws staying with us (they lived 3 hours away) in our tiny little house. I was stitched up, uncomfortable, knackered, overwhelmed, in the early days of breastfeeding, and the last thing I wanted was them pouring over the baby, or me. But it'll be okay, said my husband, we'll just get a takeaway. You won't have to host! 🙄

I was guilt tripped (first grandchild, their excitement, blah blah). Wish I'd just put my foot down and said no. It was a complete disregard for my wellbeing and it still makes me cross nearly 16 years later that I just rolled over and let it happen.

If you feel up to it then that's fine. Go with the flow, but do not feel pressured or plan anything, and eveyone around you should respect that. Set those expectations now.

My Mum was in for 2 weeks , I was in for 6 days after a cs . I think the quick discharge has nothing to do with what's best for the mother .

Visitors should wait a few days but I didn't mind people coming to the hospital because it was only an hour !

There’s no right or wrong how many days or weeks. In my culture, woman could be staying at home with minimal visitors for 1-3 months. I don’t really what I did but I would set boundaries as it’s a big event for woman and it’s important to put yourself first.
i often find men are naive and also more immature, I think you need to find some material to “educate” your partner, otherwise it’s hard for him to comprehend why you wouldnt want visitors.

look after yourself and make sure your wishes are heard and be respected .

I was kinda lucky my first was early and all the grandparents were away on holiday, so didn't have that issue, but we all got on well so would have been fine. We did have his (very close) Aunt and Uncle visit the day she was born, I had a home birth and went in to labour at 1am so had had no sleep that night, I stayed in bed when they visited so it wasn't easy for them to stay long as the bedroom isn't a particulalry sociable place, I think hubby took them downstairs for a cup of tea after the brief visit before they left.

I would try this if they insist, just stay in bed, say you are too sore to sit downstairs they can pop up for a quick visit with you and baby then either go downstairs or just leave, it will hopefully make them feel uncomfortable to stay too long, or you can tell them you need privacy to get up and go to the loo or something if they don't take the hint.

After the birth of our firstborn my husband was more shell shocked than me. With any luck, your husband will be the same and not up to visitors either.

But you need to sit him down and explain that you are going to be giving birth and you will decide when you are ready for visitors. You will be sore, you will be bleeding, your breasts will probably be leaking milk. You will not be “back to normal” after a nap the next day!

You know you may be buzzing and want to show off your newborn. They don't want to see your stitches /sore boobs /know the gory details.. They want to meet the new family member...

True but also OP may not be buzzing. Newborns can pick up germs/viruses off visitors so easily and are especially vulnerable for the 1st 8 weeks of their lives. There's no need for a whole procession of visitors all demanding to see/hold/kiss the new baby. RSV, flu, covid can all be deadly to newborns until their immune system has had a chance to develop. It should be more about what is best for Mum and baby rather than what the visitors want imo.