Pregnant and feeling mum is overstepping rather than supporting me

[Havesomefaith]

I’m 32 weeks pregnant with my first baby and struggling a bit with my mum and wanted some outside perspective because I can’t tell if I’m being unfair/sensitive or if my feelings are reasonable.

I feel like she is much more interested in being involved in “baby things” than actually supporting me as a person through pregnancy/postpartum. It’s fine if she doesn’t want to support me PP, but she keeps talking about how much she is going to do and none of it feels helpful or what I want.

She really wanted to be at the birth and didn’t speak to me for a month when I said no. She keeps asking about the hospital to double check the details and where I’ll be and I am getting really anxious she is just going to turn up when I am in labour, the midwives have said she won’t be allowed in, but I am worried I will be told she is there and it will slow my labour.

I mentioned they offered home birth and she immediately said “you’re not doing that” without even asking if I wanted it. It doesn’t feel like she has any respect for my opinions or wishes, just she knows best.

She’s booked 2 weeks off work over my due date, which I haven’t asked her for and keeps talking about how she will visit me and come to the hospital, and all the things she will do. There is no question of if I want her there or what I want, just assumption.

She keeps pushing the narrative of “you have no idea how hard this will be”, “the sleep deprivation” etc. I KNOW it will be hard. I just don’t find it helpful. I need encouragement and confidence around me, not constant reminders that I’ll struggle. I also want to exclusively breastfeed and I can’t shake the feeling she is weirdly negative about it because combination feeding would allow the sort of grandmother role she is imagining for herself. I know EBF will be challenging, but I want encouragement and cheerleaders- not to be told I’m ridiculous and no one really does that.

She talks a lot about helping with the baby, but not practical things that would actually reduce my stress. Shes already done things like announcing my pregnancy to family before I was ready and without warning.

The issue isn’t that I don’t want her involved at all. I actually think I would quite like her quietly around in the early days IF she could just follow my lead. The version I would love is someone who comes round, cuddles baby while I shower, makes me a sandwich, offers to walk the dog, folds washing, reassures me I’m doing fine and then leaves.

But I don’t trust that’s what would happen. I think if the baby cried she’d immediately go into “have you fed them / changed them / they need xyz” and I’d end up feeling managed and observed rather than supported while I’m trying to learn my own baby.

I think the hardest part is that I don’t think she’s malicious. I think she genuinely thinks she’s helping. But I also feel like she has built up a fantasy of grandmotherhood where she is very central, and it doesn’t match the reality of the relationship we actually have.

Has anyone dealt with this kind of thing? Especially where your mum means well but makes you feel like your motherhood is becoming something she wants to participate in rather than support? I also feel that subconsciously she wants me to struggle and fail because it makes her indispensable and central.

It’s all causing me a lot of anxiety in the final weeks. Her telling me “of course you’ll want that” and just dismissing anything she doesn’t see as normal. I’d be hurt if she wasn’t interested, so it isn’t I don’t want her there or spending time with baby, I just feel like she takes over and railroads decisions.

Don’t tell her when you go into labour. She needs to be put on a very strict information diet.

Don’t let her have a key. You need good strong boundaries. Is DP a good advocate for you?

He is, but the problem is she doesn’t actually listen to anyone. You speak at her, not to her. He can tell her things in the same way I can, and they just get dismissed.

Then you need to go hardcore. She turns up uninvited, you don’t answer the door.

As a new grannie I came here to be on the grandparents side ie we can't do right for trying but reading that, you poor thing! It must be very hard and anxiety inducing even if your mum is coming from a place of tone deaf love. Is there any way you can communicate with her that's not face to face talking as that appears to bounce off? Currently having some success with my dad (see it never ends 🤦🏻‍♀️) by emailing and starting by saying how much I love him but I'd like him to read something and NOT respond straight away but give it 24 hours and try to understand what I'm saying. That I'd love to hear his opinion when he's had time to digest and think. I sometimes think people who love us are harder and more complex to deal with than people out to do us harm!

I wish you all the luck for the next few months, it's not easy no but there is such joy to be had that it overshadows the lack of sleep.

Ignore her about breastfeeding for one. My family didn’t want me to EBF because they wanted to ‘give the baby a bottle’ well tough that didn’t happen because he’s about to turn 3, he’s never took a bottle and we’ve only just weaned from breastfeeding last week because I’m 3 months pregnant with number 2 lol 😂

My husband on the other hand was my biggest supporter and 100% followed my lead with everything baby related because he knows how hard pregnancy and post partum is and how in tune mothers are with their babies.

I probably annoyed a few family members post partum but now they rave to everyone about how I parent. It’s just because it’s different to how she did it OP, it’s scary, it’s new, they feel useless. Stand your ground but try to make a huge effort to include her in the things you actually want her there for.

PS, I didn’t tell my mum I was going into labour and she was furious, but once she met him, she stopped caring about her fury. And at the time I didn’t know she was furious because I didn’t answer the phone to anyone. Protect your peace and tell the midwives to not even tell you if she arrives. Oxytocin is great for labour.

When you go into labor, you don’t need to tell anyone. You can turn off your phones and just be in a bubble for as long as you need.

I’m guessing she lives reasonably close and can visit for a short time. once the baby is born, be very specific with when you want visits. You don’t have to have anyone at the hospital. You can wait until you are home. You can set the time the visits happen. You can set the length. For those first few weeks especially, you are in charge and your partner is your muscle/enforcer.

It’s definitely that she wants to feed baby, she’s been talking about it so much. And if I try to remind her of my plans she tells me “you have no idea what it will be like”. I actually don’t want to have bottles in the house as a safety net for me, because I have visions of her feeding baby when I’m in the shower.

But this is why I think she keeps checking the hospital details, because if I don’t pick up my phone she’ll call them to find out if I am there and then turn up. If my phone goes off for any period of time I reckon she’ll drive past our house.

Don’t buy bottles, don’t buy formula. If you want to breastfeed, you just give yourself no other choice. It might be painful for a week or two but after that it’s second nature. You get to choose how to feed your baby.

All the women in my family bottle fed and never even wanted to breastfeed so I definitely shocked them when I wouldn’t even offer a bottle. My sister went on to EBF her baby too. They have to understand times are changing, mums are more informed in 2026 and we are making our own choices.

I EBF, co slept, had my baby in the carrier 90 percent of the time. My nan still makes snide comments to me about how my next baby will ‘need’ to sleep in the pram and that I ‘made’ my baby clingy. I let them go over my head. You get to choose, you’re the mum. They had their babies. My family still love me very much and they adore my little boy. I promise both can be true.

She going to be a nightmare isn’t she? Oh dear! You’ll just have to be stoical through a few tantrums (hers).

I’ve heard people recommend that expectant parents strategically stop answering their phones for intervals towards the end of pregnancy when they have someone like this on the scene. So say your mum rings at 10.00 tomorrow, don’t answer and send a message at bedtime saying sorry not to have got back to you. I’m shattered now and going to sleep, I’ll get in touch tomorrow x

That way they don’t “know” you’ve gone into labour because you are off radar for a few hours.

Does she live very close by? Will your husband get paternity leave? I’d be upset about her booking two weeks off around the birth because it’s important the baby’s father isn’t elbowed to one side during his precious paternity leave. Ideally if you have a supportive and caring mum you’d have a quick visit soon after the baby arrives and then maybe help after DH goes back to work.

Her dismissal of you EBF so she can give the baby a bottle is infuriating and horrible of her. Perhaps you should tell her that even if you can’t breastfeed for whatever reason you will be following midwifery advice and only you and DH will be giving bottles in the early weeks/ months (I can’t remember the actual length of time).

Is she a “popper in”? If she has a key I’d change the bloody locks or put the chain in the door.

Is your dad around? If so is he more reasonable? Perhaps you could share your concerns with him. If he shares her vision of her imminent coronation as Arch-Matriarch then I appreciate that won’t help at all.

Please bare in mind not everyone struggles pp or with bf!! You have a dp. Give him your phone for a few days when you go into labour. He can be the Gate Keeper.. Tell dm when you have had a few days home to settle in. Gather yourself and find your inner growl. Use it should she give you any less than supportive comments... Once your baby arrives you will find your voice I promise you.

I have my voice. She just doesn’t listen, to anyone. It’s like speaking with a wall. The PP mentioned my dad- he just goes along with her and supports her whatever. It reaffirms to her she is correct. He won’t have an opinion until she tells him what it is, and then he’ll back her fully.

Just want to say I’m incredibly close to my mum and I told her in advance I wasn’t going to tell her when I go int Labour as it would just worry her and I would want peace. She actually totally understood and she was the first one I called when I had my first. (Of course she guessed but was respectful enough not to message me).

At one point in the early days she tried to tell me what to do and I just said. This is my baby, I will decide. She said much later than she was happy I said this and made her realise that I was now in control.

Im pregnant with number two and it’s planned that she will look after my first so I’ll have to tell her this time but much like before I won’t be doing updates.

If she won’t listen and your dad is her handmaid then you’ll just have to rely on actions not words.

Husband (poor sod) goes to the door and deals with unannounced knocks and rings: Hi Joanne, yes, they are both fine. Sorry we don’t want visitors at the moment. A pack of muslins! Lovely! You really didn’t need to bring them round but I’ll get them in the wash. Sorry Joanne, not even a quick one. If you’d phoned or texted we could have let you know. We’ll see you soon but we do need to arrange in advance, got to go, bye!

Hopefully lack of sleep and hormones will make it quite natural for you to snap at her if she starts being domineering when she’s visiting. Honestly it’s such a shame! Why can’t they see that they are actually hurting their relationship with their own baby, you, and making a tricky time more difficult? My mum loved babies and they adore her and she could so easily have been like this and I suspect part of her wanted to be but luckily she was intelligent, she loved me, and importantly she remembered how fiercely protective she felt when my older brother was born and she really controlled herself and she was great. Of course she had lovely cuddles but she didn’t try to take over. She also didn’t breast feed and I think she thought of it as “Third World”. None of her peers breast fed and she was amazed I wanted to but with the exception of a few of the the usual “Is she hungry AGAIN?!” comments, she was very good about this and certainly never pushed or asked to give her a bottle.

I really hope it goes better than we are all fearing. Your really don’t want to be dealing with it at such an intense time. It’s great that you have a supportive husband.

If you EBF you may want to pump after each feed and have enough for DH or your DM to bottle feed baby once a day say the late evening feed when you can grab a few hours sleep so do the early evening feed then your next one would be 2am ish. You get rest, DH bonds when he feeds and your mum could perhaps do one or 2 in the week. If she won’t listen a locked door may help her get the message about visiting

Just keep repeating, calmly and quietly, that she's Partner's name and your baby, and you two will be making decisions together, and while you'd love her to be involved, only you two get to decide what happens. It's very normal to only have your partner at the birth, though it can be useful to have grandparents available to support the pair of you IF they will do what you want.

I have a one and a half year old and have a very similar mum.
She’s not local to me but she was up a fair bit while I was on maternity leave. She would tell me my daughter didn’t need formula when I was struggling breastfeeding and needed the break. She would tell me I was doing things wrong. Once she asked ‘is it my turn yet?’ To try and settle her, and told me ‘stand up and give her to me’
It continued as my daughter got older… through weaning telling me she was eating too much and ‘she made the same mistakes’
She would do everything to make me feel like I was incompetent and she was always right.

There have been a fair few times over the last year and a half I have had to be very blunt with her. Tell her she won’t be welcome in my house if she continues to tell me what I’m doing is wrong. That she needs to adjust the way she offers help, not telling me to give my daughter to her.
You need to keep being blunt with her now, to try and stem some of her behaviour.
When she tries to shut down your breastfeeding plans be blunt. ‘ I need your support with this, not negatively. If you can’t support me with this, it’s best you don’t visit for the first two weeks so I can establish my own feeding plans with people around me who are supportive of my wants and needs’.

You need to keep making it very clear that her perfect image of being a grandparent will not be a reality for her if she isn’t supportive of your motherhood journey. She needs to play by your rules to see her grandchild, and if she can’t do that she’s not welcome to be there to support you.
Im sorry how stressful this all is already at a time of great stress. But when your little cuddle of joy is here, her opinions will seem even less relevant and you will do everything in your power to make sure you raise your child how you wish and not with someone overbearing you xx

Do we have the same mum, OP?! Solidarity.

Absolutely do not tell her when you go into labour. And also don't tell her that you're not going to tell her, that will only cause more drama.

(It's too late now but that also the reason I have never told mine a due date)

Have your husband ready to be on your side in the event that she does turn up at the hospital. Do not worry about offending her, labour/giving birth is about you and only you. Same with breastfeeding and to be honest everything about the newborn days. You and your baby are the only people that matter. Relatives do not need to hold them, feed them to 'bond', have alone time, take them out in the pram. The babies best interest in those days is literally to be with the mother and that's it really.

Hope it all goes smoothly for you OP. As an aside if you've had an uncomplicated pregnancy I can't recommend planning a home birth enough but appreciate that may be one too many things for you to think about right now!

Our mums are very similar! Let me tell you this, sure it will be hard and one doesn’t know how hard until the time, but you will be able to cope with it. It will be hard, and you can do it.

Mine also stopped talking to me for a bit when I said I wasn’t going to let her know when I was in labour. A couple of weeks before my due date, I stopped answering all her calls immediately and increased the time I took to reply to text messages, out of fear that if I didn’t respond immediately in labour then she would know about it. That way, she was already primed for long response times.

I think it's about time you gave her a taste of her own medicine. She was happy to stop speaking to you for a month when she didn't get her own way. Stop speaking to her for one week and I'm sure she will be shocked into behaving. Sometimes when people behave like a toddler, you need to treat them like one.

Goodness this takes me right back to feeling very undermined by my mil. She overstepped so much and instead of putting her in her place in a calm moment I snapped and swore at her in a tense one. She never forgave me (but that was not a problem in this instance).

I feel you need to state an intervention sooner rather than later. Get your mother round now, have your points prepared, say what you’re going to say isn’t up for discussion or negotiation, you need her to listen, absorb and then go for it.

Try and keep it succinct
Try and keep it positive (you want grandma there but in a supportive way - spell out how)
You’re not prepared to deal with anything different (spell out consequences)

btw I agree with another poster that you need to manage her expectations too about the first two weeks, that you will welcome the odd short visit but will otherwise be using that as 2 weeks for your family of 3

Feeling stressed can get in the way of labour and of breast feeding so protect your calm

I don’t actually think I told her my due date, she did take my notes out of my bag and have a leaf through.

Thing is when I tell her what I want or how things will be I just get the patronising “you have no idea how hard things will be” and she carries on. When I have pushed back she’s accused me of being hurtful.

I don’t think there is dealing with her or managing her. It just makes me sad she adds to my stress rather than taking it away

I think this is a good idea. Start stretching response times. I think it might help after baby is born too, because I know I will get messages saying she’s just popping round and expect and immediate response.

Ignore her, she's trying to make you think you need her. You won't, if you have a good partner then the newborn stage is pretty easy tbh. Feed, change, sleep. And share the household jobs.