I’m 32 weeks pregnant with my first baby and struggling a bit with my mum and wanted some outside perspective because I can’t tell if I’m being unfair/sensitive or if my feelings are reasonable.
I feel like she is much more interested in being involved in “baby things” than actually supporting me as a person through pregnancy/postpartum. It’s fine if she doesn’t want to support me PP, but she keeps talking about how much she is going to do and none of it feels helpful or what I want.
She really wanted to be at the birth and didn’t speak to me for a month when I said no. She keeps asking about the hospital to double check the details and where I’ll be and I am getting really anxious she is just going to turn up when I am in labour, the midwives have said she won’t be allowed in, but I am worried I will be told she is there and it will slow my labour.
I mentioned they offered home birth and she immediately said “you’re not doing that” without even asking if I wanted it. It doesn’t feel like she has any respect for my opinions or wishes, just she knows best.
She’s booked 2 weeks off work over my due date, which I haven’t asked her for and keeps talking about how she will visit me and come to the hospital, and all the things she will do. There is no question of if I want her there or what I want, just assumption.
She keeps pushing the narrative of “you have no idea how hard this will be”, “the sleep deprivation” etc. I KNOW it will be hard. I just don’t find it helpful. I need encouragement and confidence around me, not constant reminders that I’ll struggle. I also want to exclusively breastfeed and I can’t shake the feeling she is weirdly negative about it because combination feeding would allow the sort of grandmother role she is imagining for herself. I know EBF will be challenging, but I want encouragement and cheerleaders- not to be told I’m ridiculous and no one really does that.
She talks a lot about helping with the baby, but not practical things that would actually reduce my stress. Shes already done things like announcing my pregnancy to family before I was ready and without warning.
The issue isn’t that I don’t want her involved at all. I actually think I would quite like her quietly around in the early days IF she could just follow my lead. The version I would love is someone who comes round, cuddles baby while I shower, makes me a sandwich, offers to walk the dog, folds washing, reassures me I’m doing fine and then leaves.
But I don’t trust that’s what would happen. I think if the baby cried she’d immediately go into “have you fed them / changed them / they need xyz” and I’d end up feeling managed and observed rather than supported while I’m trying to learn my own baby.
I think the hardest part is that I don’t think she’s malicious. I think she genuinely thinks she’s helping. But I also feel like she has built up a fantasy of grandmotherhood where she is very central, and it doesn’t match the reality of the relationship we actually have.
Has anyone dealt with this kind of thing? Especially where your mum means well but makes you feel like your motherhood is becoming something she wants to participate in rather than support? I also feel that subconsciously she wants me to struggle and fail because it makes her indispensable and central.
It’s all causing me a lot of anxiety in the final weeks. Her telling me “of course you’ll want that” and just dismissing anything she doesn’t see as normal. I’d be hurt if she wasn’t interested, so it isn’t I don’t want her there or spending time with baby, I just feel like she takes over and railroads decisions.