Pregnant with a one year old. Considering termination.

[Aniya]

Not sure how to start really. I have an almost one year old and discovered I’m pregnant again. My first baby was hard but he was so long awaited! I went through miscarriages and an ectopic. I am only 4+4 so lots can happen but already feel terrified.
I was not expecting to get pregnant so quickly (not sure what we were thinking but I just thought it would be impossible had only sex once 6 days before I ovulated..)- I have only one tube left and I am 42!
before I thought it would be amazing to have another child but now I just think it’s too much we won’t be able to cope. I don’t have much suport as we moved abroad and my partner is dealing with depression.
i feel terrible saying that but I am considering a termination.
I know I may regret it in the future but I may be as well happy just the 3 of us.
I would appreciate any comments on both sides.

I recommend booking a session with a councillor asap

sorry to hear this 🤗

Not sure really what you mean - like a therapy or a consultation with a place were termination can be arranged?

I have 23 months between my 2 boys and they were great company for each other. They fought a lot but on holiday etc it was great to have the 2 of them. I am a worrier and I always feel that if I had only had 1 child all that anxiety would have been very focused on just them. They have very different personalities, and I love seeing the paths their lives have taken. They are adults now and a good support to each other.

There is no doubt that 2 is more work though , and it’s hard having a baby and a toddler. But those years pass quickly.
But no judgement from me whatever you decide to do. It’s a big decision to make

Hi OP, yes I would also recommend you speak to a counsellor. Two under 2 is a lot but some people look at it as a few years of chaos and then you have your lovely family of four.
A wise piece of advice a friend gave me is, how will you feel about this in a month, a year, five years, ten years. It can be so hard to see beyond the now especially when running around after a one year old.
Wishing you the best.

I would keep the baby , i had a termination when i was younger and regret it so much. It is whats best for you though xx

Google women’s councillor or unexpected pregnancy councillor or pregnancy choices councillor

Sorry I can’t spell counsellor

I have 10.5 months between mine! So 2 under 1 and yes for a while it was hard, was it harder than having an older first child for example a 2 year old and a newborn? I don’t know as I haven’t experienced that but I managed. It’s not ideal but it’s not the end of the world and the newborn/toddler stage doesn’t last long even though it feels like it at the time.
It didn’t put me off as I had another two after that! But no judgement as you have to do what’s right for you.

From the info in your OP, I would only be concerned about your partner's depression. How is he handling that? Is he still a good, involved father, who does his fair share? And how is he feeling about another baby?

Hi is actually a great father - he had a wobble but now on antidepressants and in therapy and helping a lot to be honest. But he shares similar doubts as I - like how we will cope, financial strain, how we will take care of our son while I’m pregnant (I had severe nausea all pregnancy and SI joint problems)

ETA cross post!

It sounds a difficult situation. My thoughts would be that things seem unlikely to improve soon, so if you terminate this baby you are basically saying that your family is finished - is that what you want? Because the age gap is actually really perfect, so if you do want two children, keep this one.

Two is often much harder work than one. For me it was the opposite and my two (same age gap) entertain each other, but the trouble is you can't know this in advance as they all have such different personalities.

Also, there is depression and there is depression. I would not be so concerned about a partner who was actively managing it via medication and lifestyle, and still contributing to the household either financially or practically. I would be very concerned about a man child who is in a woe-is-me strop refusing to get help, isn't working or contributing to chores and childcare, and won't go to the doctor for meds.

Good luck making your decision.

I have 16 months between my two. I adore them but I won’t lie the first 5 years were hell. No one slept, the kids fought, i literally didn’t spend a moment alone. My body has suffered long term consequences of back to back pregnancies with ligaments etc. And I was 10 years younger than you are now. In fact I’m your age now and I couldn’t do it now at all.

I accidentally got pregnant with #3 and didn’t proceed with the pregnancy.

I would gently encourage you to try to think about this a bit more objectively as you use a lot of emotional phrases like "won't be able to cope" and "terrified" which could be justified or could be the shock/hormones talking.

Are you able to step back and identify what specifically you think you might struggle with? Is it lack of sleep, your emotions, finances? Once you have established that, try to consider a) whether these are real concerns, or a product of your current emotional state and b) what, if anything, you could do to make it easier this time around - like utilising more paid support, parenting differently this time around (more routine for example or bottle feeding it it's breastfeeding you found hard - could be literally anything). Try this and see if your concerns about not coping are real. I suspect they are not as real as you think based on what you have said so far but only you are living your life. I wish you well whatever you decide.

Thank you - your comment was really helpful and I think you are right I am looking at it from a very emotional state.
If I would look at it more objectively I think I would say the keys were:

• extreme nausea and fear I won’t be able to provide my son with the right care (I will ask for medication much earlier this time)
• hard labor (I had an alergic reaction during an EMCS)
• lack of sleep due to tongue tie, reflux and triple feeding (I could just bottle feed this time)

This together plus feeling quite overwhelmed by motherhood in general. I also think I may just distance myself from it because of my previous loses. Anyway thank you for your advice

If the OP doesn’t want another child and is sure about this she doesn’t need to speak to a counsellor. She just needs to organise a termination. I think it’s easy to downplay how gruelling two under two is when you don’t have to experience it!

The councillor can help you feel more decisive about the decision.
it helps to explain all your reasons to someone and see they understand.
then you are more at peace with it if you decide to terminate

Definitely find someone neutral to talk to- if you are in the UK you can book this through MSI Reproductive Choices (aka Marie Stopes). The problem with getting advice on MN is that people inevitably have their own views whereas what you need is to find the decision that you are happy with.

We had two with quite a small gap (just a little bigger than yours), and although it was hard in the early years, now they are at school age they entertain eachother. There's no guarantee that they'll get on, but my two are absolutely best friends and take such joy in eachother (most of the time 😂).

Pregnancy is a short period overall (mine were horrific too, so I get that it feels like it lasts forever), and given you were wanting a second child and actively trying for one, I'd suggest you give it serious thought before going for a termination.

Most abortion providers will be able to signpost you to a counsellor to help you decide what to do. I would go via the providers rather than Google or you might get an evangelical Christian giving you a guilt trip.

OP I’m pregnant with a very much wanted third baby but when my children were still babies I could not think of anything worse than being pregnant again. If I had accidentally got pregnant with a baby under 1 I think I would have had a termination.

For me it was knowing how hard pregnancy is on the body, not feeling like my body had properly recovered and feeling like my current baby needed me far more than I could provide if I was pregnant and felt first trimester terrible/exhausted and was having very little sleep. If you had a c-section too they recommend that you wait a bit longer between pregnancies.

I disagree with the PP about it being the ideal age gap. Maybe it is if your baby sleeps really well but at age 1 mine were waking up at least three times in the night and getting up ridiculously early in the morning. My second was still breastfeeding through the night at the age. I was back at work and absolutely just treading water.

Maybe you have your life far more together than I did and lots of people choose the short term pain, long term gain of a shorter age gap but there is also absolutely nothing wrong with having a termination if that’s what you think is best for you.

It’s great that you found out you were pregnant early so you have some time and options. It might be worth contacting your GP or somewhere like BPAS to talk things through even if you haven’t made any firm decisions yet.

You moved abroad, can you move back for more support?

But she isnt sure. Not sure why you seem to think that she has made a decision, she is clear in her OP that she is considering. Perhaps speaking to someone is what she needs. Even if she does go down the termination route counselling may be beneficial.

OP, if you have two DC close together, it’s often easier, as they will play together when they’re little, and of course the early months are always difficult, it does get easier! Obviously it’s your choice what you decide to do, but it would seem that this is your last chance to have another, so I‘d really think long and hard about why you are so worried, and what you actually want and would be best for your family and your DC. And as you know from previous miscarriages, pregnancy doesn’t come with a guarantee. As for how you will cope through your pregnancy, all I can say is: you will manage, simply because you have to, even if you spend a lot of afternoons on the sofa watching Disney movies!

I had 15 months between my first two by choice, I genuinely loved it (had 2 more after that). Little ones change so much at that age so it is important to remember that in another 8 months your first will be very much a toddler and not a baby anymore.
They are still pretty close these days.

HOWEVER you must do what feels right for you and if that is a termination then that is understandable.

Unfortunately that is not an option now but we are considering it in the future