Pregnant with a one year old. Considering termination.

[Aniya]

Not sure how to start really. I have an almost one year old and discovered I’m pregnant again. My first baby was hard but he was so long awaited! I went through miscarriages and an ectopic. I am only 4+4 so lots can happen but already feel terrified.
I was not expecting to get pregnant so quickly (not sure what we were thinking but I just thought it would be impossible had only sex once 6 days before I ovulated..)- I have only one tube left and I am 42!
before I thought it would be amazing to have another child but now I just think it’s too much we won’t be able to cope. I don’t have much suport as we moved abroad and my partner is dealing with depression.
i feel terrible saying that but I am considering a termination.
I know I may regret it in the future but I may be as well happy just the 3 of us.
I would appreciate any comments on both sides.

Thank you your comment about managing and lots of Disney movies actually brought tears to my eyes (in a positive way!)

I can understand how you feel. I have a 23 month age gap and similar to you I do not have much outside help.

I guess it depends on individual but the pregnancy was exhausting due to having a very small child to run after. Also the first 18 months was extremely difficult due to sleep deprivation, but also feelings of guilt that my DD1 was being pushed aside as I didn’t have much time for them.

But honestly now they can play together and apart from sibling fighting it is much easier. I can take them both out to similar activities and generally life is smoother.

But do whatever makes you feel comfortable because all of our lives are so different. I just wanted to say it is very hard initially, and it does get easier. Wishing you all the best.

With my very sucky second pregnancy (severe spd from 4 weeks + nausea), I used to hobble out to a baby group in the morning, come back for lunch, nap together and then we'd watch kids TV for the afternoon, knowing she'd done something simulating in the morning. Not ideal for a 1yo, but it hasn't done her any harm long term. When the baby came, it was much easier.

There's nothing wrong with having a termination if that's what you want but I do wonder if this is a knee jerk "arrrgh what have we done" reaction? Getting pregnant with a 12 month old isn't that small of an age gap really, a lot of people I know have 20 months to 2.5 year age gaps, pretty standard. My 2 eldest are 18 months apart, I will admit it was 6 months earlier than we had intended but was welcomed and though yes it is tough having a toddler and a baby, you do learn to cope well very quickly.

I'd say in your position you need to consider long and hard about a termination as you probably won't have the option to try again in 6 months time and get pregnant at the drop of a hat like you might 10 years ago, this might be your last chance given your age and only having 1 tube. I'd try and speak to someone and talk through your feelings, it could just be an initial reaction to it, don't make a hasty decision.

For the first year I thought to myself , I never want to experience this again. Those days were horrid , constant crying, never sleeping, not having a moment to myself then came a day where I longed to be pregnant again. I suffered a few miscarriages before one stuck and the early weeks wirh exhaustion were horrendous. I had days thinking ive made a mistake and I dont know if I can handle another as i dont have family support but now ive hit my second trimester I feel differently and im so glad this little one is doing ok so far. My sons 2 and now that hes more independent and has a personality I think it makes it alot easier for me. Sure many days are still tough, very tough but I just look at him and think how could I not want another one of you.
I think you need to talk about your feelings with your partner honestly so you can both share how you feel about another child.
What really helped me was having friends tell me the transition to 2 really isnt that hard.

I did say ‘if.’

I did terminate a pregnancy when (much) younger. I was nineteen and while I think it was the right choice overall it was a difficult one and I spoke to a ‘counsellor’ at Marie stopes. It may have changed since but the counselling then was a bit like ‘so when do you want your termination? Next week or the week after?’

My worry would be weighing up all the decisions and speaking at length to someone truly impartial will drag it out and make the decision much harder if it comes to that. That’s why I would focus on what you want; talk it through here or ChatGPT but two children is tough and I wouldn’t have two under two, personally. But that’s me and this more than any other is a personal decision.

Independent counselling like Choices or a psychodynamic therapist specialised in perinatal issues, rather than Marie Stopes or BPAS is what I would go for

Hi all just wanted to give you a small update and just thank you for taking your time to comment.
To my surprise I suddenly stopped having any doubts and decided to go agains termination. Hopefully everything will go well with this pregnancy.
The only explanation why I was feeling this way could be the shock/hormones but also turned out I’ve got shingles that must have basically started around my positive test!
I think my doubts have unfortunately impacted my partner perception and he is more low now but he also agrees that a termination would be an option we would agree later in life.
I though maybe someone in a similar boat will be one day looking at the old posts and wondering what have we decided.

Lovely update. Best of luck x

Sorry I meant we would regret later in life ;)

Your first baby is at such a full on age, I am not surprised you are feeling overwhelmed by the thought of another baby. With all my children I’ve found that around 12-14 months is the most tricky as you can’t take your eyes off them, and the tv is not yet something that entertains them for any amount of time. However, they change so quickly and as soon as you can use the tv for some time out, it’s so much easier to manage.
I found having a second much easier than only having one as they entertained each other. I also had a much greater awareness that everything was just a phase and short lived. And after that first couple of years everything gets so much easier so quickly.

I was in doubt. Booked a free zoom counselling session with Choices Charity. Ended up keeping the baby. Couldn’t imagine if I had aborted them but it was seriously considered.

So glad to hear this OP. Wishing you all the best with your pregnancy and baby.

I have 21 months between my two. It was actually much easier than I expected. Having two close together means you’re still very much in the baby groove. My second just settled in.

Don't, in a year you will have a toddler and a little one and its easier in lots of ways, company, playmate, seeing them interact.Also, your experience with your new baby will be unique, and you will find it much easier because you are an experienced mum now.

Lovely to hear. Congratulations and wishing you all the best!

Congratulations OP. There’s a gap of 16 months between my youngest two. I won’t lie, the baby and toddler years were hard. Really fucking hard. But now, it’s great because they’ve got a built in playmate, they’re close enough in age to enjoy the same activities, they share friends, and there’s only going to be one school year where I have to figure out the logistics of two school runs. Best of luck with your pregnancy.

I had in 15 months at 39.5 and 40.75 and loved it. It is a great gap. They are 29 and 30 now and still best buddies.

I have 22 months between my first two- love it. Happy accident 18 weeks preg and will have 14 months between 2 and 3. It’s doable and lovely now to watch them play