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Pregnancy

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Original poster

Does anyone think their NCT class is really not bonding?

90 replies

Saymyname · 20/06/2008 10:39

Hi there,

We're halfway through our NCT class and I have to say I really don't think I/we've gelled with anyone else in the group. I don't think anyone else has bonded either though, so it's not a sort of cliquey left-out feeling.

I just think we're a real bunch of misfits, very, very different from each other. I know none of that's supposed to matter because having same-age children is what bonds you. But, I'm wondering if that is really likely to happen.

Did anyone else feel like this early on and go on to end up great mates?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Sprogstersmum · 20/06/2008 19:52

With DD1 during the classes we didn't bond at all but started to meet up once a week after the birth and that continued for around a year before fizzling out. However, I did make two close friends out of the group and we still meet up every week, three years later. And if you'd told me it would be those two who'd I end up being close friends with during the classes I would never have believed you so I'd say give it a little time, you never know. The only other proper friend I've made is through NCT coffee mornings. Did Sing and Sign, Jo Jingles and go to the same play groups every week but have not made any friends through those, just people to chat to a bit while you're there.

nappyaddict · 20/06/2008 19:55

at our group people are from all over the place cos its the only thing like it in the area so meeting up is a bit difficult which is a shame really.

nappyaddict · 20/06/2008 19:56

sorry meant to say at our swimming group.

Original poster

Saymyname · 20/06/2008 20:11

What is surestart? I thought it was for those on a low-income. Is it a generic thing then?

OP posts:

nappyaddict · 20/06/2008 20:13

yep it's for everyone.

missblythe · 20/06/2008 20:37

Think you have to live in a certain are for Surestart.

The Surestart in Cardiff is fab, with free baby massage/art classes/baby rhymes/weaning sessions/stayandplay/music and movement.

But we can't go because we don't live in one the deprived areas of the city.

I've called up about it a couple of times, because i know form friends who do go that the classes are poorly attended and some are in danger of being shut down, but I don't have the right address, so no chance for DD and I to go. 'tis silly!

nappyaddict · 20/06/2008 20:48

that;s not true. they make you think you have to be but as long as they are not full anyone can go. ask shiny. it was her that informed me of this.

Original poster

Saymyname · 20/06/2008 20:50

If it's aimed at those from deprived areas though, and I don't come into that category then I probably won't have a lot in common with the other people there, will I?

OP posts:

Botbot · 20/06/2008 20:51

I'm not an expert on this, but I think SureStart has now been rolled out to include everybody - the old SureStart centres are now called Children's Centres.

link here

I live in a SureStart area and I met my best mummy-friend at their baby group.

Botbot · 20/06/2008 20:54

By the way, Saymyname, I don't really fit the profile of someone who lives in a deprived area (educated to degree level, job in publishing, dp is university lecturer), and neither is the friend I met at the Surestart group. TBH, it seems to be the more middle-class people who use them. So don't rule it out.

Botbot · 20/06/2008 20:55

Sorry, that sounded a bit poncy and up myself, in an 'I'm middle-class, me' sort of way. Not meant to sound like that.

CatIsSleepy · 20/06/2008 20:56

as others have said you may bond more after the babies are born- I met up with my NCT group once a week until I went back to work.
however 2 years on am only really in touch with one of them on a regular basis any more and have not heard from most of them for months...
so i guess we didn't bond that well!
But it was a good supportive group for a while. Mind you I think half the time we ended up winding eacchother up comparing what eachothers' babies could do..I ended up feeling stressed because my dd seemed to be the last one to sit, the last one to start 'cruising' etc
all utterly ridiculous things to worry about when I think about it now!
but there's nothing to say that just because you're members of the NCT, you're necessarily going to get on. I ended up meeting someone who is now a very good friend at the baby clinic- we just started chatting and clicked right away.

missblythe · 20/06/2008 20:57

Well, saymyname, this is all on hearsay, as I'm never allowed in, but in our local groups it's apparently wall-to-wall Bugaboos, as the boundaries for the 'deprived areas' include some very swish flats that are in converted warehouses in the formerly dodgy dock area that is now Cardiff Bay.

And I hear from London friends that it's common knowledge there that the people that teh SureStart groups were aimed at are never teh ones that go, it's all the middle-class mummies who happen to live there that do.

I know what you mean, but it might be worth giving it a try-got to be better than your NCT lot!

Original poster

Saymyname · 20/06/2008 20:59

Hmm, I might investigate that then. Thanks.

I got married in Cardiff Bay last year missblythe

OP posts:

nappyaddict · 20/06/2008 21:06

the surestart areas started to include everyone cos the people in the deprived areas who it was intended for weren't bothering to use them.

potatofactory · 21/06/2008 06:58

My group was very disparate too - we did meet after classes finished and it looked promising for a while, but our babies are one now, and people have gone back to work on different days, so it appears to be disintegrating - a shame, but really, apart from one girl, I wouldn't in all likelihood been friends with the other members of the group in 'real' life. I have met other mothers at NHS antenatal / music class / toddler group, etc, and am gradually getting what you could call decent set of mum chums!

Weegle · 21/06/2008 08:17

I felt exactly like you and nearly stopped going but persevered because we'd paid for it! I had a difficult pregnancy and really wasn't in the mood. Again the teacher made us organise a dinner just before we were all due and a reunion BBQ a month after the last due date. Since then we met once a week for coffee and still do sometimes now (2 years on). Tomorrow we're having a joint second bday party for all of them. One couple we've just come back from holiday with and it was a fantastic week. Ok there are still times when I think "what?!" as some are far wealthier than us but generally we all get along very well and it's fantastic for the children who are now really gaining from having friends. Only one couple were completely off the wall and we see very rarely. I've also made friends at swimming classes and also have friends with young families from pre-baby. Several from the NCT group now are having second children/trying for another and again it's nice to know others in the same boat at the same time.

edam · 21/06/2008 08:28

I don't think we instantly clicked with our NCT antenatal group but the teacher suggested we swap contact details. And once all the women were on maternity leave, we started to meet up for coffee and became friends. Once we had our babies, it was great to have people who were going through the same things at the same time - all those broken nights/problems b/f etc. etc. etc. Used to meet up two or three times a week.

Sadly lost touch when most of us went back to work and dh and I and another couple moved away.

meep · 21/06/2008 08:48

I also wondered whether we would bond - the classes were fun but you would tend to stick to the security of being with your other half.

We bonded when we all went together to get our bf bras fitted! We kept in constant email contact since then (one of the girls has kept all of our emails - it tracks our babies growing up so well!) and began to meet once a week soon after the babies started being born. Those meetings were my salvation - they were the only other people who truly how I was feeling!

Now we're all starting to go back to work - but we've managed to all have the same day off - and we go out for a meal whenever someone goes back to work or really if we can find an excuse just to go out !

We're also planning our babies first nct birthday party.

So it was a hugely positive experience for me and I have made a new set of friends who have gorgeous babies for my dd to grow up with!

MrsBumblebee · 21/06/2008 09:51

Agree with what most others have said, that it's really worth sticking with it until your babies are born. Mine's now 9 months, and our group still meets at least once a week, often twice, and we're going for our first girls' night out next week. I never thought this would happen to start with! Of the five other women, there's only one who I would probably have become friends with under other circumstances - but now we're all quite close. During the first three months, when things were pretty tough, I really believe that the NCT group played an important part in keeping me sane. HTH .

ChukkyPig · 21/06/2008 10:04

My NCT group was awful, I didn't get on with anyone and was quite upset as I joined to make "baby" friends.

A friend recommended the NHS postnatal group so I asked my health visitor once the baby had come and went along to that.

It was really excellent, informative, the people were lovely and much more local. (Meeting the NCT crew always involved getting in the car and driving halfway across london to somewhere poncey). I meet people from the post-natal group once or twice a week still (11 months on). Getting ready for a big birthday party for all the babies!

TBH I also found it better when my DH wasn't there. Much as I love him, he is very shy, and was much younger than all the other dads. So he hung around looking terrified which cramped my style somewhat. When it was just the mums and the babies it was so so much easier.

beforesunrise · 21/06/2008 10:34

it's the guys. very hard to bond with couples imo. after you have the babies the girls will keep on meeting up and you'll have friends for a while at last.

personally i only ever liked another girl (we were the only ones with sleepless non gina ford babies) and while she was a great support in the early days things petered out when we went back to work and then moved away. a bit sad, but thats life.

my best best baby friend i met at the baby clinic, and she is now one of my closest friends.

i find you meet lots of people in the beginning, but then you loose touch as your "need" for that kind of company diminishes. i went back to work though, and now the nct-type crowds at playgrounds and groups wont talk to me:-)

Scarletibis · 21/06/2008 13:42

Definitely agree that we bonded much more after the babies were born.

I didn't have much in common with the others in my antenatal class at 1st, but five yrs later and we still meet up and people do change a lot esp post babies.

It's good to have as many contacts as poss - you don't have to be soulmates!

jafina · 21/06/2008 13:54

I really thought 2 ladies in my NCT class and I would become good friends. We did meet up regularly but then they moved away. The two other ladies didn't seem like my "type" but we have ended up being really good friends and still meet up almost weekly. It took about a year or two before we really bonded, now we have 9 children (soon to be 10) between us and I really don't know how I would have survived the last 5 years without them!

Of course I have also made some really good friends through playgroups, nursery and now school. There are always opportunities so don't despair if your NCT group doesn't bond.

manicmuvvaof3 · 21/06/2008 18:41

My NCT group was mostly made up of very earnest, and quite "square" people and tbh the only thing we had in common was that we were having a baby. We did meet up for about a year after the births but I found it a strain and am not in touch with any of them now, nor do I think any of the others are. Most of my close friends are actually people I DIDNT meet through the children though they all have children. Sometimes it's nice to feel you are getting to know people as yourself and not just X's mum iyswim .
I agree that it can be like university - a mad frenzy to make friends at first, then a quiet dropping of such "friends"!

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