Extreme Gender Disappointment

[CalmRubyPoster]

Extreme Gender Disappointment

I’m 19 weeks pregnant and just got my NIPT results-confirmed it’s a boy. And honestly… I cry every single day. I feel jealous when I see mother-daughter relationships, and I worry that I’ll never get to experience that with my own child. I’ve always wanted a daughter.

All my life, my mum-who has only daughters-used to say, “A daughter is a daughter for life. A son is yours only until he takes a wife.” And honestly, I see that pattern in my family. Most of my uncles and male cousins don’t really care for their parents once they marry. I worry about my son’s future spouse not liking me. I worry that the bond I have with him might get complicated.

I think that’s why having a daughter feels different-you remain her mum no matter what, even if her spouse dislikes you. That kind of bond seems… unshakeable.

Even as a healthcare worker, I find myself grieving in advance for moms of boys. Most of them end up really alone in their later years; it’s usually the daughters showing up, and it just feels so extreme.

Ever since I found out the gender, I haven’t felt excited at all-my heart races with anxiety and sadness thinking about the future. I just think what’s the point…

Will I eventually get the girl I’m dreaming for?

Have any other moms of boys felt like this? How do you navigate these feelings?
It’s a repost from my old post but my feelings haven’t got any better, I’m not being ungrateful or anything I’m just scared and uncertain.

I always find the mothers who say there is no difference between boys and girls, or scolding mothers for wanting a daughter are the ones who already have a daughter.

There absoloutley is a difference between boys and girls. I remember taking my ds to nursery. All the boys were running wild chasing each other whilst the girls stood still.

I have 2 ds and as much as I love them, wish I had also had a dd. I will say boys are very loving and I’m lucky that mine get on well and don’t scrap.

She’s entitled to her opinion. Kindly your infertility is not her concern.

I say that as someone who also had fertility problems.

You feel how you feel OP, but your feelings do seem quite extreme. For your own sake, and that of your son, you need to get a bit of a handle on them.

Give yourself a few days to come to terms with them, then try to put them aside and look forward to your son arriving. Think of names, buy a few bits and pieces for him and try to imagine all the amazing things you'll do as a family. When your son arrives, he'll be perfect and you'll love him more than you know.

I have a son and a daughter but like you, I only imagined having girls. My son is three and he's so clever, funny, handsome and his energy and love for life is immeasurable. He brings me joy every day and I couldn't imagine having anyone other than him. Thanks to him, I know a lot of random stuff about tractors (New Holland facts anyone?), take pictures of police cars and diggers when I'm out to show him and play football. I'm clearly a daft mum but I love all that because he does! I drink my morning coffee from a John Deere mug fgs 🤦🏼‍♀️

As for the future, you need to let go of any expectations and preconceptions (what does your mum know - she has all girls?!), enjoy your son now, develop a strong relationship where he can talk to you and raise the best man you could want him to be. I'm not sure about the daughter for life/son til he takes a wife thing but break the cycle.

Wishing you a healthy and happy pregnancy OP!

So 2 weeks has gone by since you originally posted this. In that time have you taken any practical steps in helping you work through these feelings? By your own admission these feelings sound very extreme, it's probably better to seek help irl then hash it out on MN again.

I'm entitled to my opinion too.
The op does not deserve to have this child quite frankly. Imagine her son reading this post in years to come.

Not another one! It’s always a boy. Your baby is a person, not an accessory.

On the other hand I watched dc3 school class do an activity last year and 2 girls were by far the worse behaved out of all 52 kids.

They were punching, hitting and kicking other kids to get them to move because they wanted the seats despite 2 boys being there first. Eventually a staff member intervened.

One of the girls older sisters was in dc2 year and was a terrible bully to. It was a parenting issue as mum and dad wouldn't hear anything negative about there "angels".

I work in education each year normally has a group of more problematic kids. Some years are boys and some are girls.

Gender disappointment is real for a lot of people and its normal to feel that way. My daughter has 3 girls 15, 10 and 5. She got pregnant last november and found out she was carrying her first boy. We were all over the moon, at last a baby boy! As the pregnancy went on it became evident that there were issues with the pregnancy, he had a heart defect, brain defect and many more too numerous to mention, he also had down syndrome. Sadly he passed in the womb,his liitle body gave up and my daughter had to deliver her baby at 23 weeks. Through all the devastation, I googled everything there was to read, why had this happened after 3 healthy babies. I quickly realised that so many things can go wrong at conception that can have devastating consequences. The point I am trying to make is a healthy baby is the most important thing and sometimes we focus on the sex of our babies when it really doesn't matter!

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. Gender disappointment is completely valid - you feel like you've been robbed of the experience you imagined you'd have, but try to remember that all of this is based on conjecture.

You have no way of knowing what your child will / would have been like, or what relationship you'll have. I have a daughter, but I don't honestly think it would have been different if she was a boy (I really thought she was going to be a boy tbh!).

All of the women in my family are exceptionally close with their sons - who are sensitive, mature and responsible men. I have many friends who have really struggled with daughters (hormones, social pressures, friendship issues etc.) but have lovely relationships with their sons. My husband is also very close with his mum (only child) and sees her weekly, spends all holidays together, calls several times a week etc.

You can't control who they are, but you can absolutely choose how you parent, and what sort of relationship you have with them - that's what will make the difference. If you show up for them, you won't lose them!

I promise that when you have that little baby in your arms, you really won't care anymore.

I can understand your disappointment, I agree that bond between mother and daughter tends to last for life. I have a boy and a girl and my boy associated more with his dad but I love them both. The main thing is as long as they are healthy and the birth is not too painful I am happy lol.

I highly doubt her son is going to find her anonymous mumsnet account in 18 years time 🙃

Infertility or not, you have no right saying OP doesn’t deserve her child.

Anyone who is not capable of being happy with a child of either sex has no business having children and absolutely doesn’t deserve them. The OP should be ashamed of herself. Poor innocent child being saddled with this as a “mother.”

🙄

I understand some disappointment but you need to get over it asap.

My daughter is exactly like the boys you talk of. Plays football. Not all girls are pretty docile creatures.

I understand gender disappointment.
i have 5 girls.
i feel pregnant at Christmas and got myself so worked up about maybe having another girl.
i lost that baby in February.
the hurt I felt was unreal.
ive fallen pregnant again and quite honestly I couldn’t care less about the gender.
i just want to be able to hold my healthy baby no matter the gender.

One of my sons hates football. However most of my friends who have daughters the same age as him have football crazy little girls. I think its fantastic they are so excited and engaged in a sport.

Duplicate thread.