Extreme Gender Disappointment

[CalmRubyPoster]

Extreme Gender Disappointment

I’m 19 weeks pregnant and just got my NIPT results-confirmed it’s a boy. And honestly… I cry every single day. I feel jealous when I see mother-daughter relationships, and I worry that I’ll never get to experience that with my own child. I’ve always wanted a daughter.

All my life, my mum-who has only daughters-used to say, “A daughter is a daughter for life. A son is yours only until he takes a wife.” And honestly, I see that pattern in my family. Most of my uncles and male cousins don’t really care for their parents once they marry. I worry about my son’s future spouse not liking me. I worry that the bond I have with him might get complicated.

I think that’s why having a daughter feels different-you remain her mum no matter what, even if her spouse dislikes you. That kind of bond seems… unshakeable.

Even as a healthcare worker, I find myself grieving in advance for moms of boys. Most of them end up really alone in their later years; it’s usually the daughters showing up, and it just feels so extreme.

Ever since I found out the gender, I haven’t felt excited at all-my heart races with anxiety and sadness thinking about the future. I just think what’s the point…

Will I eventually get the girl I’m dreaming for?

Have any other moms of boys felt like this? How do you navigate these feelings?
It’s a repost from my old post but my feelings haven’t got any better, I’m not being ungrateful or anything I’m just scared and uncertain.

I have barely spoken to my mother since I was 15 and before that only because i had to. I lived with my dad till i was 21 and saw him every weekend and was with him when he passed. If you value female relationships more of course your sons drift. Go to matches with them, dont force them to go shopping, do boy things, build a realtionship. My mil has 3 boys who she is closer to then one of her girls

I’ve read this exact thing from you before. Honestly, if you feel that struggle just go have an abortion and give up trying to be a parent full stop reverse the simple truth is that you can’t chose your child and their personality.

your mother has done a right number on you. A child deserves a mother that loves them, not one that judges and resents them before they are even born

Seek counselling ASAP. Your poor son- all those negative feelings and high stress hormones like cortisol are affecting him now in your womb. He will pick up on your negativity after birth and this will impact on your bonding.

Make peace with this or consider adoption so he can grow and be loved by other parents.

@ForCosyLion Look I don’t want to get involved in my future kids hypothetical marriage, I just want a strong bond with them all ofc.

I have a son and two daughters. The bond with all of them is wonderful. I adore the bones of them all and I cannot imagine that I won’t have a relationship with all of them all their lives. We are a very close family.

I only ever heard of that very trite “daughter is a daughter for life” thing on MN, all the men I know are extremely bonded with their families well into late adulthood but due to childhood abuse I’ve no relationship with my own parents.

I think relationships are far more complex than that one single rigid belief. Just be a great open warm comforting parent and stop fixating on things going wrong before you start, worrying on that is such a waste of your imagination when instead you could be imaging the wonderful future you have with your new fabulous family.

I was shocked when I read this thread the first time round. Parenthood changes you from being self-centred to other-centred. It will no longer be about you OP X

I never understand these threads to be honest. Surely when you fall pregnant you know it’s a 50 50 chance for either! As someone who just had a miscarriage last week, I’d be so grateful to be in your position and having a healthy baby.

That said, you’re assigning far too much to gender/relationships. I’ve never seen my Mum in 15 years but really close to my Dad. My partner on the other had speaks to his Mum regularly.

Time have changed, daughters don’t feel so beholden to family to give care now.

I get that life isn’t fair and all things are relative, but as someone on their 12th round of IVF and who had to have a TFMR for their only pregnancy, I’m honestly asking how I can be this unlucky when you get to be pregnant yet are so ungrateful and already being very unkind about your future child.

I understand gender disappointment can be a thing but you are way too extreme and I worry for your unborn son.

Get a grip and realise how fortunate you are. And don’t you dare make your son feel like he is somehow less than he should be.

Also families are what you make them, if you have low expectations of males in your wider family raise your son differently.

We live 5 mins from my MIL. She has two sons (no daughter) and they dote on her and look after her. She’s 93 now and they see her several times a week.

OP, if you do go on to have a girl later, please don't make her into the golden child and be mean to your boy. I have seen this dynamic play out in my extended family. Aunt and uncle had two boys, tried again and got a girl. She was absolutely doted on and they were horrible to the second boy in particular. They resented him for not being a girl. These children were born 45 and 50 years ago. The golden child is now a self-obsessed, spiteful, Hyacinth Bucket type who was competitive with other women over not having pain relief in childbirth - yes, one of those 🙄 - and who has zero empathy for others. She was so spoiled and her parents are still spoiling their golden darling today.

As for the boy, he became very troubled, ran away to start a new life abroad at 17, and in his late teens spent time in a mental-health hospital. In later life he became extremely successful, but he still struggles sometimes.

My mother also knew a couple who couldn't conceive and they adopted a boy. But then "Kate" came along, and they worshipped her while losing interest in their boy.

Please, please don't be like this if you have a girl later. Your little boy doesn't deserve it. And my mother used to say, "Children become what you expect them to be." If you expect him to be a warm and loving person, he will be.

Is this your first child? I promise you when he is here you won’t wish them to be anyone else but who they are. He will be the light of your life, your everything and you won’t be able to imagine life without him.

The picture you paint here is very stereotypical, gender norms aren’t what they were. While work still has to be done, raising a boy to feel comfortable expressing his emotions, to be himself, it’s a different world to years gone by. There is no way to predict your future relationship with your child, you could have a girl, and her nature not gel with yours, she could meet somebody in Australia and move away and you see her every two years. Your son could move down the road and come for Sunday lunch once a week. You have no way of predicting what will happen. There is a myriad of possibilities all you can do is show up, love your son fiercely and let life unfold. Try to lean into gratitude, you’re expecting a healthy baby, that’s a miracle.

I’d urge you to reach out for professional help or let your midwife know how you feel, as it appears to be really affecting your MH. This topic can be a bit taboo but is probably more common than you think. Hope you feel settled soon and wish you all the best.

This must be AI trolling since the exact thing was posted not long ago

These threads make me so sad.

The relationship you have with sons, depends on how you treat them and their partners later in life. Not because of their gender.

I was the opposite, I really wanted boys. What a wonderful bond it is. I am just conscious of what kind of MIL I intend to be. Mine was awful and it did ruin the relationship she had with DH. Her fault, nothing to do with him being a boy.

Everything you have put is just stereotypes, your relationship with your child will be what you make it. My Mum is much closer to my brothers than me, they need her more than I do and have always gone to her for help in a way that I don’t. I have two teenagers, one of each, and have a lovely relationship with my son, he’s actually much easier than my daughter to parent! I think it’s really sad to are so anti sons before your baby is even born

The mums who i know whose sons don't bother with them as they get older have made the "son a son till he takes a wife" a self fulfilling prophecy.

You would probably think my dh is one of those but the reality is MIL actively favours her daughtes and granddaughters. They get her help, effort, time and attention. Even when she is visiting our house all she does is talk about them! My older sons now roll there eyes and wander off when she starts as its boring. She does not engage with them or ask them any questions. My oldest is stll waiting for her to show a vague interest in the choices he made for his exam qualifications. If we mention anything postive they did she replies with "and X girl did this".

I am in no doubt your son will have a poor relationship with you if dont change your attitude now. I know plenty of sons who are very attentive and loving towards there mums but they were set a good example and not pushed out by them. However the ones that are not may have good reasons to be
If you push a child out because they happen to have a penis rather than a vagina dont be surprised if they have no interest in you in later life.

Stop being so ungrateful. You shouldn't have got pregnant if you were so averse to having a boy. There's a 50:50 chance.
It's gross and sad to see you so upset over this to be honest.
I'm currently suffering from secondary infertility and posts like this make me so angry - you are SO lucky to be growing a new life

When I was planning a baby, I remember all my thoughts were what I would feel as a mother, what a baby would bring to MY life etc etc, and upon having my son, I realised just how much before having a baby the focus is on what a baby sill bring to a parents life when actually what flooded me when he was born was the huge desire to make his life as safe and secure and happy as possible.

Not all relationships are stereotypical for one, but having that mantra of your mother's in your head will be a self fulfilling prophecy if you give it the power to! I'm one of two sisters and neither of us have that girly girl relationship with our mother, and I remember she said once we aren't what she expected as we didn't like shopping and would drag our feet on long days shopping round the city centre. We both moved away for uni and didn't come back to our home town, we get along but it's not the kind of mother daughter gilmore girls thing.

My husband loves his mum and they get along so well, yes he also lives far away from her due to going to uni and exploring the world etc but that's what you raise kids to do.

I must say, maybe because I have a 2 Yr old boy so I'm still in the soft mum phase, but I feel so sorry for that little life on his way into your family who isn't being looked forward to because he's a boy. He'll be his own magic little person, and you'll love the things he does. I now love seeing tractors and timber trucks while driving as my son gets so excited!

What rubbish OP. My son an only child and I are very close. We always have been despite my daughter in law not being bothered about me. My Dsis is also very close with her DS.
I dont have a good relationship with my mother and have avoided her for years.
Children of any sex will stay close to their parenys and mum if you bring them up properly and show them lots of love.

Youd be insane to have any more children

Thank you, genuinely can’t tell sometimes. MN needs to crack down on bots. Make us all do a simple captcha to stop stuff like this.

I don’t understand why you are so fixated on having a strong bond with your children.

You do realise that in order for that to happen, you need to raise them right, regardless of sex?

Raise a girl in an unhealthy environment and she’ll go NC with you just as quickly as a boy would.

FWIW it’s typically boys that are closer to their mums and girls that are closer to their dads, which is why most women want boys and most men want girls.

I’d be careful about expecting anything from your kids - none of my three are remotely like I imagined my children might be. Your job as a mum is to give them room to grow into theirselves - not predefine
what they look like in relation to to you.

My three adult sons all stay in very regular contact - I hear from them in some form most days. Even the one who lives hundreds of miles away.

I always find the mothers who say there is no difference between boys and girls, or scolding mothers for wanting a daughter are the ones who already have a daughter.

There absoloutley is a difference between boys and girls. I remember taking my ds to nursery. All the boys were running wild chasing each other whilst the girls stood still.

I have 2 ds and as much as I love them, wish I had also had a dd. I will say boys are very loving and I’m lucky that mine get on well and don’t scrap.