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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Having my mother in law stay post partum

31 replies

pisces5891 · 13/04/2026 14:29

Hello!
I'm 32 weeks pregnant, and for various reasons i might end up having a csection, although it's still up in the air.
My MIL, who i love, has offered to come stay with us post partum to help out, cook, clean, etc. My husband loves the idea. I would love the help, I'm just a bit scared of the hormone changes. From what I've read, lots of women experience a real crash in the days after birth.. im not sure it would be good having my MIL around in that situation. She's great but can be sensitive, i don't think she'd take too well if i was grumpy or off with her. My mom can't come as she's very ill.
This is my first baby and I'm quite scared of all the unknowns! Having someone around whose been through it might be comforting.
Does anyone have any advice on this? And would your advice be different if i had a csection vs vaginal birth?
Thank you! X

OP posts:
MissyB1 · 13/04/2026 14:38

Could you tell her this? As in something like
“really glad your coming to help us Mil, but I’m worried I’m going to be a bit of an emotional wreck with all the hormone changes and everything, you will cut me tons of slack won’t you? I’d hate to offend you”

Shallotsaresmallonions · 13/04/2026 14:41

I like my mil, but I would hate this. I wouldn't like anyone staying in the house really.

I had baby blues and was crying randomly, stank from the horrendous night sweats and had my boobs out or leaking constantly. Staying for a couple of hours in the day, completely fine and nice, but I need my space back afterwards to properly relax and recover.

HoppingPavlova · 13/04/2026 14:59

Is your DH not able to take time off work to cook, clean and look after baby while you take a shower, eat etc? That would be easier than having his mum over to stay surely. DH did that with ours, and wrangled toddlers/young kids as well in subsequent births.

Appreciate it’s not possible if he can’t get time off work for some reason though, and not everyone can despite legislation, for example with one of ours the company DH was working for at the time went into receivership and receivers offered him a very substantial cash bonus for every week he stayed on until it was wound up which he wouldn’t have got if he went off on parental leave to assist me, so he just took the day of the birth and day we came home off, not ideal but situational and you can get by, just leave laundry, heavy lifting etc for him when he gets home and get him to make a few sandwiches etc before he leaves or make sure he cooks extra for leftovers for lunch.

AuntieDen · 13/04/2026 15:07

If you love her and she clearly loves you enough to make the offer, then I would say sit down and speak to her - be honest and say you would love her there but you're worried that you will be stressed, short tempered and say something which might inadvertently upset her when you would never want t o do that (and that you expect you'll say things to her son too but he's going to have to deal with it whereas she didn't take a vow to!)

Presumably she gave birth so she will either have experienced feeling like that or the fear of what it might be like. If she says she'll risk it then agree with her that if you're saying things which are upsetting her she will take a deep breath and tell you she's going for a walk. It may offend her in the moment but you're both adults. She'll cope.

shuffleofftobuffalo · 13/04/2026 15:51

Why isn’t your husband going to do the cooking and cleaning? I bet he loves the idea because it means he doesn’t have to do any of it. Tell him to pull his weight, don’t just go along with something you’ve clearly got reservations about. I wouldn’t have wanted anyone else in the house immediately post birth.

Original poster
pisces5891 · 13/04/2026 17:39

Thanks all!
This is all really useful. I should have clarified, my husband will be on paternity leave the whole time, and is so good around the house, he would definitely do all the cooking and cleaning needed, and he's an amazing support. I think it's more that we are both a bit scared of the newness of looking after a baby! And quite like the idea of someone being there who has done it before! I like the idea of being really open with her, i think she'd respond really well to that. I can imagine my hormones will be all over the place, I've already been on a rollercoaster in pregnancy, crying one day over nothing etc, deliriously happy the next day. Love those hormones!

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 13/04/2026 19:11

I’d be honest upfront and say you’re worried about being grumpy post birth and if you are, ask her to give you some grace. I’m sure any mum will remember those post birth hormones, I certainly do so I would not take offence at a tired and hormonal mum being a little off.

My mum came to stay with 2nd child (still lived at home when had 1st child 10yrs prior) and must admit i’d have rather she didn’t as I felt had to make more effort for meals, my mum didn’t know what we wanted to eat so didn’t cook and busied herself cleaning etc. It was a small house and then she announced she was staying for a 3rd week.

The day she left, a childhood friend arrived to stay for 3 days! Lord knows why I didn’t say no to my friend coming, though originally there was meant to be 1wk between visitors. 3rd baby, we went to stay with my mum, so she cooked the food, and we just needed to care for kids and rest. Worked much better. My advice, you’ll probably find it easier just the two of you. Just prepare freezer in advance with lots of nutritious meals

Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 13/04/2026 19:13

I honestly wouldn’t have anyone stay with me during that time. It’s a really special moment and I’d hate for your husband to miss out on that time that he should be stepping up and bonding too.

menopausalmare · 13/04/2026 19:17

Personally, I wouldn't want any family member staying. It's a very private time and you need to figure out parenthood for yourselves. Visitors popping in are nice but I wouldn't want over nighters.

HeyMay · 13/04/2026 19:27

menopausalmare · 13/04/2026 19:17

Personally, I wouldn't want any family member staying. It's a very private time and you need to figure out parenthood for yourselves. Visitors popping in are nice but I wouldn't want over nighters.

I agree with this. Since your husband pulls his weight OP, you won't actually need any help in the house. You'll be twiddling your thumbs!

Working out parenthood for yourselves is really vital for growing in confidence in your parenting. You don't want somebody experienced looking over your shoulder at every minute from day 1, knowing she's quietly judging your mistakes (even though it sounds like she is lovely and wouldn't say anything). Working out how eg to burp a baby with my husband was a bonding moment. If MIL had popped up and told us how then that moment would have been lost.

I would ask your MIL to stay for a longer period around the time your DH goes back to work, as you will be single handed at that point and the help will be great.
Obviously have her for day visits earlier on, or an overnight if she has to travel, but not a long stay right at the start.

TooTiredToType77 · 13/04/2026 19:30

I think someone to look after you, mother the mother, so you can mother your baby is a great idea. Having some boundaries can only be helpful but also be prepared to be flexible. You need good food and rest and a calm environment. Having your mil with you to do this could be a wonderful thing

Have a think about preparing food that to do like in advance. Also, if you're keen to breastfeed find out what MIL's views are as well and maybe go and join a local breastfeeding support group while still pregnant to make contacts with a breastfeeding counsellor who can help when baby arrives

Iocanepowder · 13/04/2026 19:30

I would accept the help and not worry.

I had a c section with both DC and I was knocked for six. And both had reflux and were awful contact sleepers so a third pair of hands was incredibly useful.

Original poster
pisces5891 · 14/04/2026 17:24

Thanks so much all! Really useful

OP posts:
Bert2e · 14/04/2026 17:51

How about considering a doula instead? A bit further removed, used to new parents and unlikely to be offended by mood changes but very used to newborn babies.

Thistimearound · 14/04/2026 18:37

I think it’s a nice idea if you get on well with her.

I couldn’t have done it for more than a day with either my DM or DMIL. MIL would have been making lots of “helpful” suggestions and comments e.g. “are you sure the baby is getting enough milk?” “They’d probably be more settled if you introduced a bottle.” “Most women don’t have enough milk anyway.” Thankfully, by the time these comments came I was pretty established with the baby and feeding and able to stand up for myself, but a few days post partum I would probably have just cried and given her the baby to feed.

I also think a factor would be if you have enough space in the house so you can all have some privacy when you need it.

VioIetMoon · 14/04/2026 18:41

It depends , are you close with MIL? If you have a good relationship, Just explain your concerns to her.
Theres not a hope in hell id let my mil stay.
I didnt even allow visitors. I was recovering , bleeding , trying to bond and just not myself as I was adjusting to life as a first time mum . Id no desire to have anyone around other than my child's father and looking back, I wouldn't change that . For me, in the first weeks, I personally want it just my partner and I, no matter how challenging it was. Some people want others around immediately, others dont.
Its all about what your comfortable with op

2chocolateoranges · 14/04/2026 18:44

I wouldn’t have anyone stay over just after having a baby. I think it’s really important for you and dhs relationship that you navigate this journey together but still have day visitors. It’s such a lovely time taking a newborn home, yes it’s scary but it’s good for you and your partner to work together without interference.

find your own way to do things.

PeanutCat1 · 14/04/2026 19:35

I really love my MIL but would have hated this, I hated anyone but me & DH holding my babies when they were first born, it sounds a bit batshit but I’m sure it was just the hormones!

when I had ds & ds2 my mum stayed over for a couple of nights each time but she was really focused on just helping us rather than wanting to spend time with the baby and wasn’t pushy to hold them or anything like that. Also, because it was my own mum, I’d have felt comfortable to say “I don’t really want anyone else to hold the baby at the moment”. I love my MIL but I’d have felt really bad/ probably wouldn’t have said anything and then just been resentful.

BudgetBuster · 14/04/2026 19:36

The newness and your own bubble with your partner and new baby is honestly one of the best things. You get to be authentic with your partner... if you want to cry, you can, you can tell him things without causing offence (obviously wothin reason) and if he's getting on your nerves it's much easier to vocalise.

I currently have a similar dilemma. 31w pregnant and we will need my mother to come mind my 2 year old when I am in hospital. I am obviously so very grateful for her help and I know I don't need to worry about my toddler with my mum... but I dread her in my house annoying me afterwords 😂 I know she'll find dirt I've never seen... be trying to cook me healthy meals when all I want is takeaway and be trying to be overly helpful with the baby 😂

HotSoupBowl · 14/04/2026 19:46

Yep I love my MIL too but I’d hate this.

if your husband is on paternity leave then you need to both figure out the new life together without MIL imo.
I remember at one point wanting DH to just go back to work 😬 I was keen to just figure out how to do this myself

My friend had a huge amount of help - she found adjusting on her own with baby very difficult after the initial bubble.

Help is great but just be careful you are delaying finding your own way too

Peonies12 · 14/04/2026 19:48

I get on well with my MIL and shes a retired midwife. But absolutely no way I would have wanted anyone stay with us in the newborn days, we didn’t have anyone stay over for several months. Thank her for the offer but say you will decide once baby is here. Do not commit now. I don’t think c section vs vaginal is clear cut - some women recover really easily from c section but some struggle more after vaginal particularly if you have a tear or episiotomy. It’s very hard to predict!

Villanousvillans · 14/04/2026 19:53

When my babies were born, I didn’t want anyone except DH. I just wanted to sleep, feed my baby, eat, shower, rinse and repeat. The thought of having someone else in the mix filled me with horror.

MadCattery · 14/04/2026 20:27

My MIL came to stay and help with both of mine, many years ago. She is gone now, but she was a Godsend! With my first, I had no idea what to expect. I didn’t know what I didn’t know! I was exclusively BF, and as soon as I would finish, she would hold the baby and send me off to shower, or rest. She cooked, did laundry, and taught me so much! I loved her very much and we got along great.

One of my friends is a labor and delivery nurse (US). She went into her first child very confident on swaddling, changing, feeding baby. When he actually arrived, she realized she knew just what to do for the first three hours, and beyond that was a scary unknown. She was fortunate to have her mother and husband to help!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/04/2026 20:32

You need all hands on deck when recovering from a c section. One person to look after you, one baby, one to pop out to boots constantly, one to sterilize bottles or pump parts, one to cook, lots of laundry, shifts with sleeping. I would accept this help if you get on well with her. Unless she lives close then I’d have her there in the days only. 4am-8am is the killer time in my experience.

MotherOfCrocodiles · 14/04/2026 20:44

I’d be wary that DH doesn’t get involved but delegates to his mum, then is back at work shortly after she leaves. You could be setting a pattern that lasts forever :-(