41, unplanned pregnancy, in shock

[41yoFTP]

Hi. I never thought I wanted kids, like ever. I left my fiancée later October. We slept together in Feb and agreed it was sex only, which it was. I'm now 6+3 pregnant. First pregnancy. I'm confused because I didn't react negatively. I'm scared that I want this to happen but risks are all higher because of my age. I don't know anyone my age who is having children, my friends kids are all at school and some already leaving school! I'm worried about money. My movement is restricted because of a leg injury. I have no idea why I'm posting really, other than, I don't know where to go to talk about all this! Maybe if you are older and pregnant, or pregnant with an ex, or pregnant and thought you never wanted kids, really anything to help me feel less alone I'd be grateful to hear from you. thank you.

It's okay to suddenly feel differently about things we previously wouldnt have considered or wanted for ourselves.

I can't relate to your situation as my kids are older now but if you feel like you want this pregnancy then the rest of the worries are irrelevant. Many women have children in their 40s, yes theres an increased risk but life is one big risk, without guarantees anyway!

If your heart is telling you to continue the pregnancy, then do so. Everything always has a way of working out how it's supposed to. Good luck

OP, you'll be fine.

I discovered I was pregnant when I was 44yr 4 months, which was a huge shock. DS' dad and I had only known each other a few months. He was 55.

After the initial shock I realised I wanted to keep the baby, which I think shook ds' dad.

But I took each day at a time, ate well, stopped drinking, carried on working. Saved as much money as I could to cover me for maternity leave. I had an easy pregnancy, no nausea, proved everyone wrong.

Ds arrived at 40+6 after slow labour. That was 17 years ago. He's grown into a lovely young man, just about to take his a'levels - (maths & physics 😳). He's the best thing I've ever done And the most I've ever learned😊

Enjoy your new arrival xx

To help you get things clear in your mind, try talking to BPAS:

https://www.bpas.org/abortion-care/considering-abortion/

I had two children at a similar age to you.
One at 39 and my last at almost 42.
Both very uneventful,cleared for a homebirth and both born perfectly healthy and was home from hospital in 6 hours from delivery ( 1st born in hospital because it was closer than home and baby was very quick,2nd in hospital because midwife was at another birth and wasn’t going to get there quick enough).
Have met all there milestones.
And I am a similar age to quite a few mums at the nursery door and at playgroups.

It's a big shock even sometimes when planned. I had terrible physical anxiety for a few days when I found out even though trying for a baby! I would just allow yourself to feel the surprise / shock. It is life changing. But there is so much good from having a baby. Many peoples circumstances feel like there's never a right time to have a baby. I gave birth at 41 with a straight forward textbook pregnancy. My grandma was the same age too. My daughter is the best thing that ever happened in my life and I thought I had really lived life until then. Good luck, you will be ok x

Thank you all, just having some older mums say "it's OK" has immediately helped. I truly appreciate it.

I'm about to have my 3rd at nearly 42. First baby at 37, second at 40 so I started later because I met my husband later. I was never that fussed about having children until my mid 30s. We both feel like our life experience contributes so much to how we parent and feel proud of the job we're doing so far. Like another PP said, it's really common to see older parents at groups and nursery. A couple of my friends have children doing A levels now, no one's batted an eyelid! You can absolutely do this if it's what you want.

Congratulations.
Why did you split with your man?

Congratulations!

I had my child in my late 30s. While you don’t have friends in similar situations there could likely be others similar to you in parenting groups etc

Not 'all' of the risks are higher.

It is (sorry) more likely you'll miscarry. You will be offered tests for the common trisomies (13, 18, 21). You could also get private tests - which are not super expensive - to look at other things, if it'd put your mind at rest. Broadly, though, if you don't miscarry, and you do the basic tests, the baby may well be fine - a lot of the problems babies are born with are random chance rather than maternal age.

You might want to talk to a midwife or doctor about extra support for this pregnancy, if you do go ahead. For example, you might want to be taking aspirin to help your placenta function, as this is sometimes affected by age, and poor function can cause problems. Some NHS trusts will also offer you frequent growth scans during the last trimester, if you are over 40. And they may also suggest you might opt for an elective section, if you're likely to go overdue.

I'm 41 and just into the third trimester; it was very much planned and wanted but I hadn't intended to do it on my own - I started doing IVF with a friend who then decided he couldn't cope, and I carried on with a donor because it was very clear to me I did want a baby. It feels very much the right thing, and I'm very glad I did carry on. But equally, if you decide differently, it will be fine. It might feel sad, but there are no rights and wrongs here. And it's fine to take time to think and to work out what you feel about it all.

There are many positives to having a baby when you're older, more patience, you know your not missing out on going out with friends so much, more stable life maybe, can appreciate the child more.
Some ppl will say it's not fair on the child having an older mum, I was 38 when I had my youngest, he has never wished I was younger, he gets that I am calm, stable, don't want drama, I just want to be his mum not his friend. Some of his friends have very young mums and that can be hard on them both, but there is no ideal. You will be amazing as most Mums are!

Congratulations OP.

everything I would say has already been said.

you will be fine xx

41 is really not that old to have a baby nowadays. Good luck!

@41yoFTP How do you think your ex-fiance is going to feel about becoming a dad? Will it be a big surprise for him or were you not using contraception so less so?
Ultimately the choice is yours of course but hopefully if you make the choice to go ahead with the pregnancy he will be on board with it.

Im 44 and pregnant and I had a child after 40 already . Don’t panic or take any decisions now take a few days to think . The choice is always yours and yours alone .
Being a mum is a wonderful thing even if unexpectedly

Most women in London I know having babies, certainly their second, are your age.

I adopted at 44, after years of trying. My son is nearly 18, it's been an amazing journey. I am in a relationship though so there are two of us. I do have a friend who did IVF on her own late 30s, it's going very well for her

I can understand your shock, but don’t let your age be too much of a worry if you want to continue your pregnancy!

Mine were born when I was 33, 35 and 37 and I am hoping to have another. I was often one of the youngest mums at baby classes (London), especially with the first two. Many, many of the mums were over 40 and no one batted an eyelid!

I had my first at 41 OP, second at 43. I love having older teen and 20 year old now, they are a lot of fun. Several of my friends had babies at the same age, some a first, some a last, it’s not at all uncommon. All my great great grandmothers were having a last baby at around 45.
If you want the baby, have the baby! Best of luck to you.

Wow. This was so wonderful to wake up to. To answer the common questions - I am going to continue with the pregnancy. When the test was positive, I assumed i would start looking up how to arrange a termination. And I didnt. Instead, whilst numb with shock, I googled if my medication was safe to take, how my mat leave benefits work (I'm a contractor so basically zilch), etc. My ex and I agreed no children but I knew deep down he was disappointed, so when I told him, he was thrilled. I ended the relationship because he has anger issues, deep rooted childhood trauma that is unresolved, and he never hit me but he did speak to me horrendously when he was triggered. I have already told him, he must get help or I will keep him as far from.the baby as possible. He has agreed without hesitation. So that's good news if a little sad that we couldn't find it in himself to do the same to save our relationship. But anyway, unplanned pregnancy is here, and we're going to try. Thank you all SO much. I'm still feeling a bit scared but I'm not feeling alone.

I had my DD aged 41. Loads of my ‘mum friends’ are the same age as me, you definitely won’t be alone.
I'm more concerned about your ex and the need for him to have help though, tread carefully there.

Such lovely news OP! You sound like the most wonderful mum already & your baby is very lucky to have you. Good luck with it all x

Lovely news, and congratulations. I had never wanted children, and thought I couldn’t have them after chemotherapy, but became pregnant and had my son when I was just 40. I had a very easy birth. He’s been such a good thing for us, and he’s now 26, delightful most of the time, and a friend - we’re actually away on holiday together at the moment. Another positive thing is that you will likely stay younger in outlook.

Congrats OP! Glad it looks like it will work out for you.

Just wanted to throw a random bit of advice in, in case you're unaware. Once the baby is born, your ex can prevent you leaving your 'local' area if he wishes to. So, if you think you are not currently living in the place you want to spend the next 18 years, move before you give birth as he can't stop you at this point. You might consider that you are going to need family help from your parents/siblings, so moving closer might be an advantage etc. If you have great support where you are and you're happy there, no worries! It's just something that may not have crossed your radar.
Good luck with everything!

OP - I would also say (if you're UK) think very carefully before agreeing to add your partner to baby's birth certificate unless you are as confident as you can be the relationship is going to work out going forward. PA is incredibly hard to take away from a parent once it is granted.