How do you cope without a village?

[Nicole237]

Referring to the saying "it takes a village to raise a child". Any mums/mums to be without a village - emotional or physical support?

Due our first baby in June and so excited but feeling terrified how alone I feel. Both sets of grandparents live far away and aren't interested in my pregnancy/baby much at all. And have definitely not offered to help in any way shape or form. My sister is also disinterested which is very hurtful.

My two close friends who are like sisters to me are sadly going through personal situations themselves at the moment so understandably support from them has been very little too. The other friends I have are more surface level friendships.

My husband is amazing but works long hours.

I'm just scared how I'll cope when the baby arrives being on my own - not just physically but mentally too!

I hate to write such a moany post but feel so jealous of other mums to be I've met who gush about how their mum/sister/friend are so excited for them, helping them with childcare etc. when I feel so alone in this

You just crack on and build your resilience love.

Start looking into local mum and baby groups now. Make some friends?

You have a chance to form a 'village' going forward. You need to work at making new mum friends. Go to as many baby groups and activities in your area as you can - make friends and get together outside of the groups.

I raised my children without any family near by. I had lots of reciprocal help from new friends and twenty years on, they are still my there. You get to share all the joys and worries of raising children together.

Go to baby groups - they’re a great way to meet mum friends
it can be really hard but the situation is what it is - you have to make you peace with it because it can gnaw away at you

As said, it’s other mums you will need, and you’ll need to try and be a dependable friend to the ones who you can see will be able to develop this in a reciprocal way.

It’s fine to moan. It isn’t fair that some people have loads of support and others have none, but that’s life. It’s good you’re thinking about it now.

I didn’t find it an issue to be honest. But ex was very hands on and genuinely 50/50. We were together until DD was 6 and her baby years were during Covid so a village was no use anyway!

I find it slightly harder now as need school
hol childcare help but instead just have to throw money at it. It helps we both have flexibility at work. I couldn’t have managed in a different sort of job or on a very low income (we aren’t well off, just the classic squeezed middle-no benefits but not much money).

I had a horse, 3 cats, flock of hens to manage as well as a baby and we found our way. But had zero social life, which wasn’t ideal.

Yes you form your own village. Join pre-birth groups like NCT and pregnancy yoga and make friends before birth. Suggest going to baby groups together. But ultimately it’s hard, we don’t have much of a village from family and it is really hard, no one to help with childcare and no one to babysit. We have some really good friends but they have young children too so although will help in an emergency and we help them too and we do support each other, it’s not the same as having family around to help.

Your village is your responsibility to build. DH and I had DS living in another country to both our families, and moved when he was six months old to somewhere where neither of us knew anyone. You build what you need. And you build it by also being other people’s village.

I live in London and I think here it’s very, very normal not to have family nearby.
I don’t feel unlucky for it - it’s just life for so many of us.

Yes you need a village, but you make your own over time. Some of it will be paid for - like a nursery, childminder or nanny if/when you go back to work. A lot will be slow burning friendships made over time eg do NCT, you’ll meet friends at school etc.

Our village isn’t big but there is one - my kids have play dates, I know some of my neighbours, I bump into people I know most times on leaving the house. In an emergency I have people I would ring.

You join nct or similar and start building your emotional support network now. I had no family around when I had my babies, but I did have a group of women I could message at 3am and many would also be up to commiserate, or discuss what we were shopping for while settling the baby, or who would go for a walk in the rain while I pushed a screaming baby with half an hour notice.

You make your own village and that takes a lot of effort.

We now have a group of close friends that I can trust to pick DD up from school should something go wrong, or to help out with childcare. We swap playdates during the holiday to share the time off requirements. But it's taken years to get to this point.

You make a pragmatic decision before deciding to get pregnant about whether it’s for you and if you can manage. Then, assuming it is, you budget for the additional support that you will need because it’s available at a cost.

Just get on with it, enjoy it. People will help where they can

The “village” has become a cliche really now, to the extent that people like you think they won’t manage without. Some of us are more independent and like it that way.

If you have a partner for medical emergencies, you can buy in everything else.

This, too, absolutely. We knew we would have to pay for every moment of childcare out of free nursery hours/school hours, and that we wouldn’t be raising DS amidst family members who could babysit or do the occasional emergency pick up, so we factored that into the decision about whether to have a child.

The situation will evolve once you have your baby and it grows up. I made new friends through neighbours with kids and people that I met at the toddler group and then school later on.

My mum couldn't have my DD when she was little, due to work and disability and XMIL was also disabled and 20 miles away. Mum would babysit for a night out, but not during the daytime.

When XH left when DD was 4, me and 2 other friends all helped each other out with childcare before or after school so that we could all work, and in the holidays etc. My mum had finished work by then and could also have her for a day, plus at 4 DD did not need so much care.

There are babysitters if you want a night out, you just have to look for them and pay them. Some childminders/nannies will babysit.

Your village will just naturally evolve as your child grows up.

Do you have the money to pay for some support? I could really recommend looking into a postnatal doula if you have the funds. I had one with DC1 and she was a godsend.

You’ll be fine OP. Try to block out the noise of everyone else’s situation - there are so many things to compare in all elements of motherhood, but that way madness lies!

You will make your own friends, eg. at baby groups or antenatal classes. You will totally cope with having a baby to look after and will soon become an expert! I have actually quite liked being fully in control of how I do things - I know mum and MIL would be advising to do things differently if they were nearby and it’s nice to not have to bend to anyone else.

Paid for some help but also made a friend at ante natal classes, free on NHS so no idea if they still exist. Still friends today and kids are about to be 25.

Tbh we didn’t cope.

It can also depend on what happens with the birth, what kind of baby you get, if they have any ongoing (even mild) medical issues.

I think it's scary having a first child even if you do have interested people around you.
If you want a village, that means you are helping other people out with their children/difficulties/whatever as well.
Are you doing that?

The village is not just a load of people to help you.
We managed with very little help, no one to take the kids overnight ever - but we made friends, found babysitters and got on with it. It's hard work but very rewarding!

Hi, I just wanted to say I totally get this. I'm due my 2nd shortly and I've really struggled with the 'not having a village'. I really wished my family lived closer. Always here to chat if you need to x

Hi,
so I read through the comments and I have to say that there is not a lot of practical advise as to how to physically manage it alone.

To be honest shame on you who wrote "You decide wether you can do it before having a baby" that has got to be the dumbest advise I have heard from a parent to another parent in a long time. Should have just kept quiet.

I will give you some practical advise below, for background, we have no family available, my parents live 2000km in NorthEast direction from us, my husband's parents live 2000km in Southeast direction from us.
My parents are in their 70s and my mum has point blank said she does not have the health or energy to mind a baby and my husband's parents are also 70 AND minding other grandkids because he is the last one to produce offspring from his siblings.
We both have been quite career focused before children, quite introverted, neither of us have close friends that could help practically. Somehow we have always been those who help others, who go to birthday parties and give out generous gifts to our friends and siblings, my family is emotionally distant and does not help even with money.
Before having my first child I was in an industry that demands far longer working hours than nursery covers, so purely putting my first born into a nursery and continuing as usual was simply impossible. My husband is self employed, he runs our family business. After I had my first I moved on to help my husband run our family business with my own professional certification, commercial network and business management skills. Our business has two areas of operation, we are employers and we have people working for us. If we do not work, nothing happens. Now I am pregnant with second and my second maternity leave will probably offcially be 3 weeks and unoffically 5 days because I still have to pay people's salaries and review weekly work etc, my husband does not have the qualifications to do some things I do.
After our first was born my husband was home for just a week untill he resumed work, he did no night wakes and to this day does not have the stomach to change poopy nappies. I work, we are not yet in nursery, I look after the household, cook and mind the child whenever he is not available, which is pretty much 6 days a week between 0600am and 0600pm. For periods I have had to mentally support my husband as running own business can be very stressful and sometimes he cracks under intense pressure, sometimes he was no shoulder or wall to me and I had to bear the burden for both of us in this sense.

So... now you know of the extent of how alone one can truly be, but hey ho, it clearly wasn't that bad because we have second one on the way.

Practical solutions I applied to get through it all:
-You can join a pregnancy group, with babies due in the same month, you will have people to relate to, people to give practical advise, as with the first kids we never really know what we are doing and other mums are the ultimate source of information and intellectual support. Many of them will be in your shoes at exactly the same time so in terms of mental and emotional support, if the father works long hours he will not be able to relate to you as much as you would like and there will be resentment and there are periods of time when it is best to use mum friends as hard shoulder to hold your flag mentally.
-I went to baby groups, but I am introverted and I don't make friends easily, I find it difficult to make friends and small talk in baby groups, I am an outsider in most places I go to, so some baby groups made me feel more lonely, for me they were great to have a purpose to go out from the house when the baby was still small as it can be difficult to find time and motivation to put clothes on when you are super sleep deprived, but if we give in to that it is counter productive. If one baby group doesn't click for you, keep looking and go to others, one of them will be a good way to spend time. I did not make any real friends in these groups, I did meet some interesting people, but it did not turn into a friendship outside of it, so you can't really bet on the groups to find actual connections there.
-It's difficult to manage the daily when they are small, they don't want to be put down. I made a schedule of activities for my baby since he was tiny, rotated them, to ensure I have time to wash my face, brush my teeth because even that can be a task with a newborn. I stuck to this routine every single, like I would put the baby in the baby gym, then I would have a sensory corner, then a different corner of toys, basically rotated him around the house, I used to put him in the baby bjorn, when he was training to sit I got him a trainer seat and gave him different toys.
-Now I have a home office so I have to have him chill on his own and mind his business while I deal with paperwork and emails, the house is his lair and I have the ballpit literally behind me when I am sat at my desk, making the space also for the baby makes all the difference in the longer run.
-Make sure you make room for the child in every place where you will spend some time (like living room, kitchen, bedroom) they need to have something to do, and so that you could keep them nearby. I have a triptrapp and when I was cooking I put him in the newborn attachement and kept him next to me, now he has a learning tower and is playing in the sink while I food prep.
-Take your showers when partner is home, make them long, that is going to be your time to wind down, especially great for the evenings, makes a massive different to how we feel as people.

There will definetely be some people who say "some babies are just needy" well, yeah, but I will not know about this one, because he can keep himself occupied and he is a confident toddler which makes a massive different to how much I enjoy his company when I do not have any time to give him attention. It is better to try practical approach and work with the environment than just hope that making friends in groups and venting in chats is going to get us through.

Good luck <3

You just get on with it. While that's an often rolled out saying, having a 'village' is a really privileged position to be in and for most people, the reality is very different.

Personally, I found it easier without the village. It's easier to cope when you accept that you have to do this on your own.

You just get on with it really. What other choice do you have.

You'll cope ok because you have to.

My ex became abusive as soon as ds and I got home from hospital, my dm died while I was pregnant and I had no other family close by.

I put ds in a sling, bought a baby book, signed up to Mumsnet and did the best I could. And actually, it was fine. I learnt as I went along. I was lucky that ds was a fairly straight forward baby, a few issues bf but otherwise ok.

I think the trick is not to compare your parenting or your baby to anyone else. Join mum&baby groups, have faith in your instincts and don't be afraid to ask the health visitor or gp for help or advice.

You'll be great xx