How do you cope without a village?

[Nicole237]

Referring to the saying "it takes a village to raise a child". Any mums/mums to be without a village - emotional or physical support?

Due our first baby in June and so excited but feeling terrified how alone I feel. Both sets of grandparents live far away and aren't interested in my pregnancy/baby much at all. And have definitely not offered to help in any way shape or form. My sister is also disinterested which is very hurtful.

My two close friends who are like sisters to me are sadly going through personal situations themselves at the moment so understandably support from them has been very little too. The other friends I have are more surface level friendships.

My husband is amazing but works long hours.

I'm just scared how I'll cope when the baby arrives being on my own - not just physically but mentally too!

I hate to write such a moany post but feel so jealous of other mums to be I've met who gush about how their mum/sister/friend are so excited for them, helping them with childcare etc. when I feel so alone in this

You find routines that work for you, and manage your expectations. I definitely agree with not comparing yourself to others. We're the only ones from our NCT group who don't have family nearby and honestly I haven't found my friendships from that group very useful because I ended up feeling rubbish!

But I go to two different church playgroups (cheap!) where the volunteers bring me a cup of tea and fuss over the baby.

We got a cleaner when keeping on top of everything got too overwhelming and we often eat very basic meals or order in.

The baby stage is temporary and soon you'll have formal childcare which opens doors to babysitters and knowing more people locally.

There’s an app called Peanut. It’s basically equivalent to a dating app but to meet mum friends. I joined when I was pregnant with my first and met some lovely people who I’m still great friends with 4 years later.
Go to mum and baby groups and try to be brave enough to strike up conversation.
Just make sure you try to get out. It helps massively.
best of luck with it all.

My mum lives nearby but I’m a single parent. I made an effort to go to as many baby and toddler groups as possible and chat to people at the school gates. I’ve volunteered at school events and organised drinks with other parents. Hosted parties and play dates for my kids. Offered to help people when they need it. Even now my eldest is in y6 I’ve recently made friends with another mum of a child in his year group. My youngest is off school sick atm and I now have several friends I can call on if I need a pint of milk or need help with a school run in an emergency. What a lot of people don’t understand is, if you want a village you have to create it yourself, it doesn’t just appear. I’m very lucky but it also takes effort, kindness and putting yourself out for others.

I don't think all that many people have a village in the sense you mean, op. Nuclear families, people living far away from their own parents, the demands of work...I think it's now almost the norm not to have much (or any) practical support. But equally, barring illness/poverty/other life circs, it's not that hard. One parent at home is more than capable of looking after one baby. It's great that people talk more openly now about finding things difficult but I think maybe it's now swung too far the other way and so expectant mums think their life is going to become completely hellish and I think for the majority of people that isn't true- you just don't hear so much from the people who are having a nice time.

I would recommend thinking ahead to what is going to make it work for you, what sorts of things you like to do and how you can do them once your baby arrives, any financial plans you need to make etc. Also work out a plan with your other half and make sure you're on the same page when it comes to who is doing what (of course everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face by the arrival of a completely unpredictable baby, but the process of planning is still valuable).

Be pragmatic. Start to recruit nannies you can call for ad hoc help when needed. I’m exactly in the same situation, DH works long hours and we don’t have family near by. Yes, you will make mum friends when going to baby groups, I made loads, but it’s a long way from ‘Hi, how old is your little one’ to a call ‘can you rock up tomorrow at 8am at mine please because I feel rotten and need some help to get through the day’. Groups are lovely for social interaction, but IMO in the absence of family support, you need paid help you can use when necessary.

I had no in-laws and parents were 5 hours away. You build your own village. Get out and about as much and as soon as possible. Go to all the groups (even when baby is tiny) and you'll gradually form friendships with other mums. It takes time and effort, but lots of mums are in your position.

Book onto NCT and go to some baby groups / breastfeeding clubs / church playgroups

It will be okay. Not everyone has 4 engaged local GPs and a bunch of siblings and cousins around the corner.

Pregnancy can be an anxious time. Try not to get to stressed about it ahead of time. Just deal with what is in front of you

You build your village-it might be paying for babysitting or childcare or by making friends and sharing it between you. You aren’t suddenly going to find someone it the village who will provide you with free help for nothing in return though, obviously.

You pull together as a couple, buy in services and make friends to be your village. I move 4800 miles with my newborn (bad timing of work) and started from scratch, wasn’t easy but you with effort on your part make friends, connections and build that support paying for things some others get free

You’ll be fine. You’ll meet loads of people at baby groups, etc. who will become your village. Plenty of people have zero support from family. Enjoy having your baby all to yourself!

This is what antenatal classes and mum&baby groups are for. 18 years later I wouldn’t be without the friends I met there.

I don’t know about a village, lots of these phrases get thrown at mothers it seems, just to increase guilt and anxiety.
Personally, I have friends and family but no village, no babysitters or anyone particularly invested in my children’s lives. They’re mine and DH kids, we only had two because in reality it’s all on me.
This is scary but also really special and rewarding, I’m deeply connected to my children and I haven’t missed a moment. (I work, I don’t mean it like that)

I’m curious to know did you take this into consideration before deciding on having a child? As a mother to be it’s important to be confident you can look after the child yourself if anything was to ever dramatically alter your circumstances, I’m assuming the grandparents or your sister aren’t a surprise and DPs job hours haven’t changed?

@Nutmuncheris that sarcasm? Only people with nice, supportive families should have children?

I’m curious to know if you hit your head or you were born with these dumb takes

I understand how you feel. I was a teenage mother. His dad was useless, wouldn't look after him at all while at the same time continuously bringing me down and insulting me because I didn't have a job. He always said, "It's not my responsibility, he lives with you." Things were very fraught between my mother and me and so I couldn't rely on her for regular childcare. She also smoked in her house and my child had asthma.

I have delayed sleep phase syndrome so I struggled just to get my son to school on time. I would stay up past the point of being able to sleep just to get him to school then come home and nap till 2 pm.

Because of my condition I am only able to hold down a job at night. Obviously I couldn't leave my son at home alone at night when he was little, so I didn't work for many years. It was very hard.

I don't like being up at night and sleeping all day so I am finally trying to modulate my condition with sleeping pills from the doctor, after many years of fighting for appropriate medication. I'm having some success luckily

🙄

Having a "village" is like joining a union. You need to make the effort to join and pay your dues for a bit before you call on them for help.

That’s not what I said. My question was asking whether or not any consideration was given to the fact that OP isn’t surrounded by any support network, or village.

Deciding on becoming a parent when you have willing help from parents, friends, siblings is a different proposition to becoming one without that extra support.

We dont have a village and to be honest wouldn't have it any other way. We do things our way and find family meddle and always find something to moan about. Neices and nephews being allowed to behave however they want, grandparents not respecting our views and being opinionated. Yes in terms of having a baby sitter it is more difficult but its overall worth it not to have so many people undermining our parenting.

This was something I really worried about, I feel for you OP. But like others have said your can build a support network for yourself and your family over time. I was new to the area and didn't know anyone when I was pregnant with DC1, and now we're 2 DCs down the line we feel proud of ourselves for doing it solo. Through NCT we found another couple we get on OK with (wouldn't say friends for life, but they're nice enough and they get it!) and we've done a babysitting exchange where we get a child free night out every so often and they'll babysit for us and we do the same for them. I made a couple of close mum friends through pregnancy yoga and again, they just get it and are a good source of emotional support and play dates! I also went to lots of groups (I needed to be out the house!) and getting regular, friendly adult contact was great for my wellbeing even if they weren't great friends of mine. Have also got to know other parents on the nursery run and through parties. It just builds over time. We're now expecting DC3 and actually planning to move nearer family as a consequence... whilst I'm looking forward to some more support a part of me is sad that we'll be losing our little family unit independence. There's pros and cons to both sides. Expecting a new baby can bring vulnerabilities and worries about things like this, but it can definitely all work out and be fine over time.

People can be very sneering about “mum friends” but really who else are you going to chat to in a cafe on any random Tuesday morning while your baby sleeps and you mainljne caffeine or push toddlers in swings with for hours? There ard so many advantages to having friends with same age babies.
My youngest is 12 now and we’re going to dinner on Friday with two other “baby group” families.

With one baby who has two parents, one of which is is in maternity leave, I'm not sure a village is needed. It's nice, but you can get breaks etc by tagging with eachother. What's harder is quality time together, but regardless of village that's listen on the back burner for a while.

Where a village becomes more important is multiple children, is when you're back at work judging everything, managing school holidays etc. But by then you'll hopefully have built up a bit of a village of your own.