Pregnant with 3rd baby. Just found out sister is pregnant due at the same time.

[coconutparty]

For context I have two DDs, 7 & 4, so this would be my third baby. My sister is two years older than me and we just learnt as a family her and her partner are pregnant with their first child (wonderful news, overjoyed for her). My DDs so far are the only grandchildren and only blood nieces to my two sisters, they are ecstatic at the thought of getting a cousin.
I found out I was pregnant last week too, as it happens the day after her. Unplanned, a complete shock. With what she told us about dates, I am two weeks behind her (both still v.early days). My husband and I are completely stuck with what to do and whether to move forward with the pregnancy. Even before finding out about my sister we were confused but since finding out about my sister it has made things even more confusing.
We both work full time, are very busy with our girls, jobs, pets and general life. We have both struggled with our mental health & overstimulation over the years but have always always communicated well and got through things as a team. We struggle financially but do our best. We feel we are both in upwards places right now, figuring things out and learning to be the best version of ourselves. We are good parents, work very hard to be and are very proud of our girls. We are very busy, sometimes overwhelmed, financially hard up but in a happy place. Our girls have a good dynamic and before this happened we both said we are happy with no more children as we also feel we are “getting some independence back” out of the young toddler stage. We aren’t bound by routine and they can go into soft play by themselves etc! A new baby would throw all this out the water and be stressful. I think our family would think we are crazy, we are very lucky our families are so close and we have a lot of easy access support in terms of childcare. A third baby would change this - not as easy for sleepovers, lifts, school runs, just going over for dinners, babysitting. It’s a completely different dynamic. Our two girls are very close to their families and are adored by their grandparents and aunts and uncles.
But on the flip side, it has also surprised me I have a longing to go ahead with this. I don’t know whether this is because I am moving out of the toddler phase so therefore my identity is changing. Or because women are crazy and we find ourselves longing for something that we know is hard work and changes us 🤯
Finding out about my sister has made things so much more confusing for both sides of the argument. How cool would it be to have babies two weeks of each other? I am very close to my sister, they would be ready made best friends. So much fun to go through it together. I also feel overwhelming guilt that we are considering whether to go through with this when they are so happy about it. It feels a mockery somehow. But also I would hate to take away from my sisters special time as a first time Mum. It should be all about her and their baby. All those exciting new steps and milestones all the family should be invested in that. Would my third baby take away from that? Or would my baby be left in the shadows?
I have no no no idea what to do. And I need to sound this out as I only have my husband to talk to (I don’t want to tell anyone right now). What would you do? TIA

Agree your sisters situation has nothing to do with this - they might move abroad, the kids might hate each other, etc. Think about your own situation. Do you want to split your time, money into three not two. How will it work with childcare etc. Can you give three kids as good a life experience as two, can you afford Uni for three, etc. It would be a no from me.

The only thing that would concern me is your mental health. Everything else is...well life really...if you can get a plan in place or talk through with your GP about your MH concerns I would say blooming well go for it. You sound like amazing parents. Also...yes lovely your sister is having her first...but you could be also having another lovely addition to your whole family.

No guarantee at all your kids will be best friends! My closest friend had a DD two weeks after me and while the girls are ‘friendly’ they are not friends.
You list lots of practical reasons why a third child would be difficult. You list two reasons to have it - a ‘longing’ (which seems only to have come about now), and the fact your sister is pregnant. Take the latter out as irrelevant. Does your DH also have this ‘longing’? Have you spent any time at all before this surprise pregnancy contemplating having another? How did this pregnancy happen? A true failure if birth control or a cavalier ‘what will be will be’ attitude? It’s easy for people on here to say ‘have it’! But I’d be doing some more soul searching.

My initial thought is that your sister being pregnant is a bit of a red herring here. You and your husband need to have a chat about what YOU want to do, regardless of your sister's pregnancy. Try to take your sister's news entirely out of the equation, and what do you then think is best for you and your family.

It's a really tough decision for you.

Everyone is going to comment and say take your sisters pregnancy out of the equation but I do think having someone SO close to you pregnant at the same time would make having an abortion harder as you would be watching her hit milestones knowing that is what you could of had. I know for me I’d find this hard.

I will say though that I wouldn’t consider having an abortion just because you were worried about taking away your sisters “first baby” news or stealing her thunder. This is definitely not a reason to abort a baby if you wanted to continue the pregnancy. I’m sure your sister would be overjoyed for you and no one would think you were being “bad” for being pregnant at the same time regardless of how many children you have.

From your post the only worry I’d say is financially. Because you already have children I always always think if I’m ever in this position I will always consider the financial impact on my existing children. If having a third baby is going to put you into issues which mean your children may suffer then I would consider this as one of the main “cons” of having another baby.

Good luck with whatever choice you and DH make x

Forget your sister, You need to decide what your family unit does or doesnt do

Nobody can answer this for you. Only you know how you feel about termination and how you'd feel if, for example, your new child had significant additional needs that required you to significantly reduce how much care you can give to your existing two children.

It's a totally subjective thing.

Your sister's pregnancy changes things.
Deep down, you want to continue with the pregnancy but your head is telling you not to.

Assuming everything goes well for your sister's pregnancy there will be a permanent reminder of the baby you didn't have.

Thank you all for your replies. It has helped and I will look to separate my sister from this. However it was still an unsure decision before my sisters news. My sisters news has just confused things further, I would never think of termination based only off worrying about being in the shadows or taking away from my sister but those are just added factors now running through my head. She is one of the closest people to me though and to us as a family so I do take her thoughts into consideration. Before I found out it was a “never say never but not right now” and it was a failure of contraception..My husband has had a longing previously but is now very level headed. He is conflicted too though. Our DDs wouldn’t significantly go without, but there would be no luxuries. And as much as I want to give them all of that I do know children don’t need that to be happy children

I would agree that money isn't everything but they get more expensive especially if they excel at something like dancing. It eats time too. But I must admit it wouldn't be the deciding factor in your shoes. I suspect this isn't really about your sister but your mind is trying to tell you something. It's disentangling what us the challenge.