Pregnant with 3rd baby. Just found out sister is pregnant due at the same time.

[coconutparty]

For context I have two DDs, 7 & 4, so this would be my third baby. My sister is two years older than me and we just learnt as a family her and her partner are pregnant with their first child (wonderful news, overjoyed for her). My DDs so far are the only grandchildren and only blood nieces to my two sisters, they are ecstatic at the thought of getting a cousin.
I found out I was pregnant last week too, as it happens the day after her. Unplanned, a complete shock. With what she told us about dates, I am two weeks behind her (both still v.early days). My husband and I are completely stuck with what to do and whether to move forward with the pregnancy. Even before finding out about my sister we were confused but since finding out about my sister it has made things even more confusing.
We both work full time, are very busy with our girls, jobs, pets and general life. We have both struggled with our mental health & overstimulation over the years but have always always communicated well and got through things as a team. We struggle financially but do our best. We feel we are both in upwards places right now, figuring things out and learning to be the best version of ourselves. We are good parents, work very hard to be and are very proud of our girls. We are very busy, sometimes overwhelmed, financially hard up but in a happy place. Our girls have a good dynamic and before this happened we both said we are happy with no more children as we also feel we are “getting some independence back” out of the young toddler stage. We aren’t bound by routine and they can go into soft play by themselves etc! A new baby would throw all this out the water and be stressful. I think our family would think we are crazy, we are very lucky our families are so close and we have a lot of easy access support in terms of childcare. A third baby would change this - not as easy for sleepovers, lifts, school runs, just going over for dinners, babysitting. It’s a completely different dynamic. Our two girls are very close to their families and are adored by their grandparents and aunts and uncles.
But on the flip side, it has also surprised me I have a longing to go ahead with this. I don’t know whether this is because I am moving out of the toddler phase so therefore my identity is changing. Or because women are crazy and we find ourselves longing for something that we know is hard work and changes us 🤯
Finding out about my sister has made things so much more confusing for both sides of the argument. How cool would it be to have babies two weeks of each other? I am very close to my sister, they would be ready made best friends. So much fun to go through it together. I also feel overwhelming guilt that we are considering whether to go through with this when they are so happy about it. It feels a mockery somehow. But also I would hate to take away from my sisters special time as a first time Mum. It should be all about her and their baby. All those exciting new steps and milestones all the family should be invested in that. Would my third baby take away from that? Or would my baby be left in the shadows?
I have no no no idea what to do. And I need to sound this out as I only have my husband to talk to (I don’t want to tell anyone right now). What would you do? TIA

It would be mental to have an abortion just so you don't take the shine away from your sister. It would be equally mental to have a baby, just because your sister is pregnant too though.

Your sisters pregnancy is a red herring. Ignore that and focus on your own situation and whether you can actually manage a third baby with your finances and mental health not being tip-top.

I would 100% keep the baby. The issues you have mentioned are in no way insurmountable. A baby is (almost) always a blessing. Your daughters will likely be ecstatic a out a sibling if they're this excited about a cousin.

I would find termination incredibly painful as every milestone your niece or nephew has will be a reminder of what could have been for you.

Three is perfect, the magic number in my opinion. Mine are a fabulous little gang- similar age gaps to what you'd have and they love each other to bits. It's not all sunshine and roses, they do squabble and whine at times but I wouldn't have it any other way.

You need to take your sister’s situation out of the equation and make a decision that is right for you, your husband and existing children. You can’t keep a pregnancy because you dream of your baby and their cousin being close (they may not be). Neither can you end a pregnancy because you don’t want to overshadow your sister’s special time. Quite bluntly there is not guarantees in having children and either pregnancy may encounter problems or not be successful and you can’t pin any hopes on having a shared experience with your sister. You need to carefully weigh up all the pros and cons that don’t involve your sister and her pregnancy and decide what is best for you.

You would be mental to have an abortion just to not take the shine off your sisters pregancy. equally mental to keep the baby just because shes having a baby. Stop thinking about your sister and think about what you as a family want, can you afford it? Would both of your mental health take a hit if you have another? Thats what you need to consider.x

Agree with pps. What does you want? Pretend your sister has moved to Australia and then make decisions based on what's best for you and your family.

poor finances and poor mental health
it would be a no from me
your sisters situation is nothing to do with yours so take that out of consideration

You need to only consider whether it’s right for your family to have another child, forget about your sister for now. Can you both cope with the responsibility of another baby, can you afford the costs (can be a bigger leap up from 2-3 because of needing a bigger car, 2 hotel rooms potentially, bigger house etc ) and the stress of 3 is a consideration, i couldn’t do it and did terminate. Only you can decide as a couple, your sister is not a factor

Take your sister out of the equation completely and focus on what this means for your family of 4. There’s absolutely no guarantee that cousins born a couple of weeks apart will be “immediate best friends”.

Do not consider your sister's pregnancy in your decision.
The only thing you should consider is how you feel about having another baby. And despite financial and practical issues do you want the baby.
Everyone else is irrelevant

There is no guarantee the baby cousins will be best friends.

Aborting a sister to avoid taking the shine off your sisters pregnancy is just nuts. Put your sister out of your mind, her pregnancy doesn’t relate to yours in any way. How old are you? Is this the last chance you have to have a third baby?

From what you've written it doesn't sound like you want a third child and continuing the pregnancy would not be best for your family at present. Your sisters pregnancy is irrelevant to the decision you and your partner need to make.

There’s only one thing to consider. Do you and your husband want another baby. Your sisters situation has nothing to do with it.

Adding my voice to the choir - completely forget that your sister is pregnant, then start your decision making process from there with your husband. Any other way is a recipe for unpleasantness of many kinds.

by posting here you are asking posters what they’d do. Some posters couldn’t imagine anything worse than being financially responsible when already struggling for another person and other posters couldn’t imagine anything worse than terminating a pregnancy because money will be tight. We all have hugely different priorities. You need to figure out (without thinking about your sisters pregnancy) what yours are.
There are so many pros and cons, for me it would boil down to would I regret an abortion or having the extra stress more? It will make things harder as pointed out that you’ll see sisters baby reach milestones etc but that isn't a good enough reason to bring in another baby into your lives if you’d be in poverty or your really would fail.
I have 4 DC and we’re skint at times. We are frugal with clothes and food shops arent lavish. No branded goods, all supermarkets own. But I dare say my DC are happy and enjoy their childhoods without a cupboard of kellogs or Heinz. Lack of money isnt ideal but let’s be honest most people in the real world aren't doing well in this climate. This is Mumsnet, everyone here eats organic corn fed local farmer chicken, thinks 200k in the bank in measly and their DC are oxbridge ready and 7. Thats terrific for them but the reality is most people are a mortgage payment late, we shop at Lidl and private school isnt something that enters our minds. Don’t take advice from someone whose world is so dramatically different from yours. Best of luck x

Your sisters situation (although lovely for her) is not relevant so that wouldn’t factor.

I’ve got to be honest there is no way I would continue a pregnancy if I thought there was a chance it would make my existing child/children’s life worse. Struggling for money/problems with being over stimulated and mental health sounds like there’s a very real risk that a new baby would significantly impact on your existing children. 5 years is quite a big gap as well.

You will get lots of posters telling you to go ahead because that’s what your heart wants. Personally I think being a mum is about putting your existing family first as opposed to prioritising your own wants, even if that involved making difficult decisions you have to live with.

Only you will know if the decision to terminate will impact your family more than continuing with this pregnancy. I wish you all the best 💐.

The baby stage doesn’t last long. My third DC (unplanned) is an absolute joy. If you’re overwhelmed I’d get rid of the pets rather than the third baby, personally.

Your sister's pregnancy should be an total irrelevance to your decision making.
The only question you need to ask yourself is whether or not you want another child.

Forget about the sister right now.

Focus on what you and DH actually want.

Honestly it sounds like you and DH don’t want another baby and the fact your sister is pregnant is making you rethink things.

If your sister wasn’t pregnant would even consider keeping this baby?

Honestly, if it was me I wouldn’t keep it.
You sound like you’ve been struggling and finally starting to cope better and this is going to make you go backwards.

I would be happy with what you’ve got and focus on making your current life better.

Im sure your sister doesnt see it that way! Considering an abortion because you dont want to 'spoil it' for your sister as a first time mum is not a good enough reason to end a life!.
My sister and i were pregnant at the same time 14 years ago and the babies were born 6 weeks apart. I had a girl and my sister had a boy. Not once did either of us think that it would 'take anything' from me as a first time mum. In fact, we were happy to be pregnant together.
The children have grown up together and are the best of friends.
Think about what you are doing because it may turn to resentment towards your sister and future neice/nephew watching them grow when your child is no longer here !

Your sister’s pregnancy should not factor in your decision making at all.

You need to decide if you want to keep your baby, whether it’s the right decision for you and your family.

your sister being pregnant is a coincidence but shouldn’t sway you in either way - 2 separate pregnancies here

Ignore the fact your sister is pregnant and make a decision based on you, your DH and DDs

I was born within two weeks of one cousin and my eldest was born 6 weeks before his cousin. Very close relationships which are a joy.

Keep your sisters pregnancy out of the equation. My sister and I both had daughters within 4 months and the girls are chalk and cheese to the extent they pretty much ignore each other, you can’t guarantee they’d be best friends.
do what you want to do and can live with and what would be best for your nuclear family.