Miserable about pregnancy - anyone who feels alike?

[NotYourAvarageMommyToBe]

Hi all, I'm new here and looking for somebody who feels the same as I do.
I am 18 weeks pregnant, 36 and married. Even though I've always felt a strong repulsion for pregnancy and childbirth, both my husband and me wanted to start a family, so we gave it a try and in a matter of just a few months I got pregnant. Way earlier than I expected, considered my age. Unsurprisingly, pregnancy is not being a good experience for me. In good days I just feel resigned and think that this is just a price I have to pay in order to have a family, but in bad days I feel utterly miserable. I hate feeling that my body no longer belongs to me, having to follow strict rules about food and hygiene, feeling constantly bloated, constipated, and knowing that it's only going to get worse as weeks go by. My bump is starting to show now and it feels horrible, in a way that I'm afraid cery few people can understand. I feel like something is bloating me from the inside and like I can no longer recognise myself. I also hate people telling me that I have to avoid lifting heavy bags or doing this and that, and it's humiliating having to adapt evey exercise I do so that it's "safe for the baby". I also of course had to quit my favourite sports, which is depressing since I think that in the next few years there will hardly be time to resume them. I also miss little things such as reading a book while laying on my stomach or going out for dinner without having to sustain exhausting discussions with my husband about what I can and what I cannot eat. Everything is so humiliating and my feeling is that I no longer exist as a person, as if I was nothing more than an incubator. I know people who confess similar feelings about pregnancy often remark that they feel "grateful" for it, but I don't feel any gratefulness, for nothing. I am not grateful for being female. I think that human reproduction is as cruel and meaningless as nature sometimes can be. Plus, I don't believe in any god, just to point it out. Please don't try to convince me that pregnancy is blissful and miracolous and so on and please do not patronise me. I know there are many people struggling with infertility and miscarriages and I really feel sorry for everything they have to go through. Nevertheless, the only thing I am looking for right now is some understanding by anyone who may feel the same as I do. If you ar out there, please reach out. Let's help each other.
Thanks for reading!

It’s a bit dramatic.. there’s really very few foods you have to give up whilst pregnant.. is there a chance you and your husband are being melodramatic with your “exhausting conversations”

He's very anxious abouth anything that could hurt the baby; plus, in the country we live, there are MANY things you can't eat while pregnant or that you can eat only under certain conditions. Plus, as I said, I really hate pregnancy for itself, both as a biological process and as a social construct. I know my feelings sound exaggerated to most people: that's why I'm looking for for some understanding online.

Where do you live?

I’m sorry you feel this way. I really enjoyed my pregnancies, so I can’t relate. I’ll be honest, I don’t think you’re reacting in a normal way. Perhaps you need to speak to someone.

Hi OP, I understand. I conceived my first child at 36 very quickly , it took me by surprise how fast it was , I had an eating disorder when younger and found the changes in my body very difficult , I felt repulsed looking at myself. . It was like an alien had taken over my body . It was a difficult pregnancy SPD, carpel tunnel in both hands, culminating in 6 weeks in hospital with severe pre eclampsia and a pre term birth. I didn’t feel that first rush of love everyone talks about and the cold toast and tea was rubbish .

my baby and I were lucky to survive , we got used to each other… our love grew and she was worth it all . Four years later her little sister arrived who brings more craziness and love to our mad house.
I promise you at some point you too will look at your baby and know it was worth it. ❤️

I hate pregnancy too. I have so many awful symptoms, severe nausia, pelvic pain, heartburn, fatigue that pregnancy for me is a life limiting illness. I basically have a different personality when I'm pregnant because of how miserable I feel.

I hate the attention that pregnancy brings, people seem to talk to you more and ask you loads of questions, make speculations about your future and I hate it. I'm quite a private person and an introvert I just wish everyone would leave me alone to get on with it. If pregnancy wasn't so obviously visible, I wouldn't tell anyone.

I also hate the limitations on my freedom...can't drink, can't exercise, can't eat what you want, and then in the third trimester, I feel so disabled that I feel like I can't even get up to get myself a glass of water without it being a monumental effort.

All I can say is, I felt instantly better after giving birth, and even more so once I stopped breastfeeding.

Its can be normal to feel very miserable during pregnancy. I'm sorry you're having a bad time.

i Feel similar, I’m 25 weeks and I have been so lucky to have had a straight forward pregnancy and no nausea etc which I am grateful for. But I’ve never felt less like myself before, hate the changes in my body, hate all the restrictions. And I feel like my life is already turned upside with so much to think about and I feel irrationally resentful of my partner sometimes as it’s more or less business as usual for him.
I cant wait to lie on my back without worrying and wear some of my own normal clothes again and not feel guilty or worried about eating something I’m not meant to.
I also get annoyed with people constantly asking about bump. Do I not exist now? And I got stretch marks cream for a xmas gift which I am still offended over. I am fully expecting to get stretch marks and that’s not an issue but I just thought it was a really shitty inappropriate gift. Anyway op sorry you feel like this. I just keep telling myself it’s temporary and keep thinking of the prize at the end. X

I already do. And thanks for your precious judgement, that's just what I needed,

Thanks everyone who understands! For those who have already done it at least once before, was there something in particular that helped you going on and maybe still feeling like yourself a little bit?

Remember it won't last forever, you will be back to yourself again after baby enjoying things you once enjoyed. I found early pregnancy very difficult and I have 4 kids. I felt like a different person, everything triggered me, every smell made me feel sick. I couldn't eat and craved fizzy drinks but then felt sick after drinking them anyway. Just to warn you, the last few weeks is also tough. Getting about might be difficult and you may have pelvic pain too. I was heavily pregnant during a heatwave and that was hard. Pregnancy is not easy but it will end 💓

Have a look at the UK rules on what you can or cant eat. Just stay away from unpasturised food but even then the the risk is low, do you live in a country that doesnt follow strict food standards?

It feels long now, but pregnancy is a short time overall. It'll be completed soon hopefully and you'll have your baby in your arms and never do it again!

I get you but you are massively over thinking everything.
You can carry on lifting and exercising. The risk is more to you than the baby - You're more likely to pull muscle than normal for example. People weight lift and get back to it onc they feel recovered enough ( not for me thanks 🤣 )
With food, it's common sense. I ate the same just not pate and liver as the vitamin A can seriously harm baby. Everything else is more "if you get listeria, you and baby can get very poorly" I weighed up the risks, when have I ever been poorly from brie or deli meats?
Stict hygiene? I didn't do anything different. I also slept on my belly till about 30 weeks and that's just because my belly was just too big. I just my pregnancy pillow to adapt and kind of sleep on my belly still.
Some people just don't like pregnancy and that's fine, I just think you are making it worse for yourself

I suspect had you taken longer than a couple of months to fall pregnant you’d feel differently.

Pregnancy doesn’t last forever and sounds you like will be the “one and done” sort so within a few short months you’ll be able to get back to doing all those things you miss like lifting, foods, sports and reading on your front

I felt the same OP, I felt like an alien had taken over my body. I only had mild nausea but also had awful heartburn, constipation, and really hated that constant breathless feeling. And as an introvert, I absolutely hated being asked about it, people at work commenting constantly on my changing body.

It is a phase (i.e. the pregnancy) and it will pass. Is there any sort of perinatal mental health service where you are, or could you have some private counselling (some workplaces have a scheme you can access).

I think it is a really big taboo for women to openly say how much they dislike being pregnant, but you are definitely not alone. I am a midwife and I have met a fair few women for whom pregnancy is something to be tolerated.

One of the things that I have observed is that most women do fall in love with their babies once the pregnancy is over. I hope it all goes by quickly for you and you find the solidarity and support you need.

No advice or judgement, just offering you a big hug and some flowers 💐💐

I hated being pregnant as i didn't feel any connection to my babies at all, and also the fatigue and sickness I felt for the first four months. But I loved them from the moment they were born 😍 I hope you find the same 💐

I feel exactly the same, @NotYourAvarageMommyToBe.

I'm pregnant for the second time, but there will be a five year age gap and part of that is because of how awful I found the first pregnancy. I didn't have a particularly bad one so know it can make you feel bad for complaining, but I felt sick, tired and just not myself. It's really hard work.

The thing that is getting me through this one is knowing that I did feel like myself again - albeit a different version of course, but I think I was actually fitter, happier and healthier than before I had my first child. So I know these feelings don't last.

I know you've said that the only response you want is for people who understand, but sometimes finding a whole load of people with the same irrational thoughts is not actually helpful.

It's normal to feel:

• that pregnancy is a huge pain in the arse and can be painful, nauseous, exhausting, etc
• annoyed that men don't have to go through it
• annoyed about food restrictions (which are not a problem in the UK but sound much more severe in your country)

It is not normal:

• to have repetitive exhausting conversations with your husband. Tell him how he's stressing you out, and that you will personally be in charge of what goes on in your own body from now on.
• think that human reproduction is meaningless. If you think that, why did you reproduce?
• give up all your sports. Unless your sports are base jumping and ice caving, you really don't need to give up sport. You can also carry shopping bags.

Long story short: it's normal to find pregnancy difficult, but you are making it much harder for yourself than it needs to be.

No, I can't carry on with the sports I played before (mostly volleyball) since I was immediately told to stop jumping and doing anything that could cause falling. I am not into weightlifting either, I just like to be independent and therefore when I have to carry, say, a heavy bag, I don't like playing the damsel in distress and asking for help.
As for hygiene and food, I have to clean everything like crazy since I have to avoid toxoplasma and it really is not easy. I wash my hands countless times every time I cook and I'm tired and resentful for that. Why can't we just get a vaccine?

I never asked: "Is this normal?". I know this isn't. Indeed, I feel incredibly alone precisely because the way I feel is not what people define as normal.

I hear you. I disliked pregnancy so much I vowed never to repeat it.

I could literally write your post…. Second pregnancy and I feel really low, like my body isn’t mine anymore. It was exactly the same the first time….

I can’t eat any of my normal foods (I lived on smoked salmon, sushi, unpasteurised cheeses etc ), and I can’t do the exercise I love either (im into skiing and climbing, which are obviously a no-go right now)

If it helps at all, I felt so much better once my first baby was actually here. Being pregnant was hard, but it lifted almost immediately afterwards. So this time around I keep reminding myself that it will pass and that I will have my body back again…

And for those saying you’d feel differently if you’d struggled with infertility or waited a long time… I honestly don’t think that’s true. I struggled with infertility for years and needed IVF both times, and I still hate being pregnant. Both things can be true at the same time.

I would focus on the fact that you made a choice to have a child. You’re not an animal, though you’re dealing with the animal consequences of reproduction.. This was your decision.

Why not look up different pregnancy guidelines in different countries? You will see that many of the ‘rules’ are cultural. I read a lot of pregnancy books from different cultures. I don’t think I ever had an ‘exhausting’ conversation with DH about any pregnancy diet restrictions, but I think the only things I cut out were alcohol, caffeine and unpasteurised cheeses. As I’m vegetarian, it wasn’t particularly restrictive. I ate out exactly as usual. I exercised much as usual. I was very nauseated throughout, and had SPD. In fact, despite it being physically utterly miserable, I don’t think I gave my pregnancy much thought mostly — I was working overseas and crazy busy trying to get a big project done before I couldn’t fly any more at 36 weeks. You’re not required to feel ‘grateful’. I’m an atheist, so god is an imaginary irrelevance for me.

I think your DH is part of your problem. Tell him to calm the fuck down.

But you CAN own your choices. You chose to get pregnant. You are now presented with more choices: wash your hands repeatedly, or risk you/your baby becoming unwell. Don't play volleyball, or do it but accept there is a high risk of hurting the baby. Nobody can force you to choose one or the other. You pick. Own your choice. It's likely that you will choose inconvenience to yourself in order to protect your baby, but that is your choice - accept that sacrifice, then crack on with something you do enjoy.

It's just a season of life to get something you want. I hate pregnancy too, but I am currently pregnant with number 3 because although pregnancy is hideous, children are flipping awesome!