Miserable about pregnancy - anyone who feels alike?

[NotYourAvarageMommyToBe]

Hi all, I'm new here and looking for somebody who feels the same as I do.
I am 18 weeks pregnant, 36 and married. Even though I've always felt a strong repulsion for pregnancy and childbirth, both my husband and me wanted to start a family, so we gave it a try and in a matter of just a few months I got pregnant. Way earlier than I expected, considered my age. Unsurprisingly, pregnancy is not being a good experience for me. In good days I just feel resigned and think that this is just a price I have to pay in order to have a family, but in bad days I feel utterly miserable. I hate feeling that my body no longer belongs to me, having to follow strict rules about food and hygiene, feeling constantly bloated, constipated, and knowing that it's only going to get worse as weeks go by. My bump is starting to show now and it feels horrible, in a way that I'm afraid cery few people can understand. I feel like something is bloating me from the inside and like I can no longer recognise myself. I also hate people telling me that I have to avoid lifting heavy bags or doing this and that, and it's humiliating having to adapt evey exercise I do so that it's "safe for the baby". I also of course had to quit my favourite sports, which is depressing since I think that in the next few years there will hardly be time to resume them. I also miss little things such as reading a book while laying on my stomach or going out for dinner without having to sustain exhausting discussions with my husband about what I can and what I cannot eat. Everything is so humiliating and my feeling is that I no longer exist as a person, as if I was nothing more than an incubator. I know people who confess similar feelings about pregnancy often remark that they feel "grateful" for it, but I don't feel any gratefulness, for nothing. I am not grateful for being female. I think that human reproduction is as cruel and meaningless as nature sometimes can be. Plus, I don't believe in any god, just to point it out. Please don't try to convince me that pregnancy is blissful and miracolous and so on and please do not patronise me. I know there are many people struggling with infertility and miscarriages and I really feel sorry for everything they have to go through. Nevertheless, the only thing I am looking for right now is some understanding by anyone who may feel the same as I do. If you ar out there, please reach out. Let's help each other.
Thanks for reading!

And I concur with pp about your DH. He is making life really difficult for you at a time when he should be helping - tell him that! If he's genuinely lovely and just unsure how to help, make sure he knows what he should be doing to help. Foot rubs? Run you baths? Do more than half of the household chores? Whatever you need.

"I hate pregnancy as a biological process and a social construct"

Well there's your problem darling. Chances are, you've been psychologically alienated from your own body and the most natural process in the world through the kind of feminism that devalues and distorts the female experience / motherhood so that it all feels "unnatural" to you. That was me 15 years ago. Takes times to deprogram, but if you give it a shot you might find you're happier in the long run.

Op I have 4 DC. My last DC was unplanned. I was just getting back to myself, was in great physical and mental shape, (and the great mental shape had been hard fought for!), then, boom, pregnant.

I was devastated. I was lucky, I suppose, in that I knew that I could get back to ‘myself’ with work, but I was determined during that pregnancy and post partum, not to lose myself like I had before.

I continued to go to the gym 4 times a week, I lifted weights (under close guidance), I made sure that I had space for me the person, not me the mother to be.

It really helped me, as I was in great shape and was able to get back to my regular activities quite easily after birth (after post partum physio, which I strongly recommend).

You are still in there, I promise. Consider the changes to be temporary substitutions for your lifestyle or something more palatable than a perceived punishment for your pregnancy.

I can’t say it will be ok for you, but I can say, that having lost myself, it’s possible to get back, but drowning out the noise is a huge part of motherhood, and pregnancy is excellent practice!

Very best of luck!

I have had up and downs for different reasons. We were on the fence about having a 3rd, and now expecting to have twins. Older kids will be 4 and 22.5 months when they arrive.

We will survive and I'm feeling more positive about it. But there are days when I'm anxious. Not to mention, with twins pregnancy symptoms are much stronger which takes it's toll.

I think consider how you would feel in an alternative reality. Like one poster suggested, might you feel differently if it took you a couple years to conceive? If you miscarried would you feel a sense of relief? You may discover things aren't as dire as you feel.

Thank you all for your support. I'm sure I wouldn't feel much better if it had taken longer to conceive or if I had had miscarriages, since my repulsion for pregnancy is something very deeply rooted in my mind. Anyway, it's really helpful to hear that so many other people feel the same as I do. I'll try not to lose myself entirely in this process and probably will also do some post partum pysio (great advice!).
As per feminism, there is no way I will reject it. I think it's really invaluable and I wouldn't trade it for any sort of relief. Also I wouldn't blame it for my personal struggles (but it would take a little too long to explain why and I don't want to be boring).
Thanks again!

What is repulsive about pregnancy?

Did you always feel like that or have your feelings strengthened since you actually became pregnant?

I hope your husband is being supportive of your feelings x

I'm interested in where you live that imposes such strict rules about hygiene. I mean i have fairly standard attitudes to hygiene. I washed my hands, kept the kitchen kitchen about as clean as I always did but no extra efforts made. Likewise I remained active, though I didn't play volleyball. I swam and rode/cared for horses though. In subsequent pregnancies I like other mothers, picked up my toddlers. Do you have anxieties forcing you to do/not do these things - if not, who is laying down the rules?

I've felt this repulsion about pregnancy at least since I was around 12 years old; I'm not sure when and how it started, though.
What is repulsive to me is first of all the mere fact that a human being grows inside another human being and then has to get out violently through a hole that is objectively too small (due to evolutionary causes). Then, the size and shape the belly takes has always given me creeps, not to mention the movement of the baby inside it.
Now that I'm adult, add up that I'm aware of all the social pressures, rules and inequalities surrounding maternity and that I know how bodily changes you get during pregnancy and childbirth can result in permanent damage.
In conclusion, you could as well ask me what is not horrifying in pregnancy and I would straightaway answer "nothing".
I mean, I know that of course it serves the purpose of giving birth to a child, which is per se a good thing, but the process? Aw.

I think you need to look at evidence based recommendations! Most sports are ok. I do contact sport, so did the conditioning and dolls but skipped the matches. Foods really depend on country. In English language advice, coffee is the devil. Every other country just says go easy! It's the reverse for fish. Lying on your tummy will be fine while you're small enough. Lying on your back only increases risk very slightly and the evidence is limited. Sometimes you just have to tell everyone else to get to fuck

I do get it though, I hated the weight gain and losing my style and fitness.

I think it can be normal not to enjoy pregnancy. I’m pregnant with my second and I just see it as a means to an end to meet my baby. I like seeing baby on scans but other than that I can’t see many positives of actually being pregnant. I spent the first trimester nauseous/vomiting and averse to so many foods, the second trimester with none of the ‘glow’ people talk about and some worrying episodes of bleeding, and in the third so far I am knackered, feeling massive and uncomfortable knowing it’ll get worse until baby comes. It doesn’t bother me that much though as I just see it as 40ish weeks to get through which is a short time in the grand scheme of things. Your feelings do sound more on the extreme end but there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with that, you’re entitled to like/dislike it as an experience to whatever extent. It doesn’t last forever, focus on that and try to find things you do enjoy that you can still do while pregnant. Maybe have a calendar or a blackboard where you cross off/write how many weeks are left as a visual reminder that you’re getting closer to the end and meeting your baby.

I hate pregnancy it’s awful. I have severe sickness and bed bound for some weeks and it’s just awful. I felt very disassociated from it all and I really struggled to love my baby while pregnant. When they were born I didn’t have that rush of love. I felt protective but there was no love. It took around 10-12 weeks to feel like I loved them which is awful to say and I would never tell them.

I would reach out to see if you can get some therpy as it might be useful.