About to be a first time mum at 40 !!!!!

[NoisyJadeWriter]

I’m 40 and currently pregnant with my first baby. I’m feeling a mix of excitement and nerves about becoming an “older mum” and would really love to hear from others who’ve been in a similar position.

My husband is 45 and we’ve been married for 11 years. We’ve wanted children for a long time, and after a long journey, I’m finally expecting. I’m due in March and, so far, everything is going well, but I’m still cautious emotionally and a little nervous about what’s ahead.

I’ve decided not to find out the baby’s gender. Honestly, I just want a healthy baby and to be a good mum. We’ve been reading lots, attending antenatal and parenting classes, and trying to prepare as much as possible, but I know so much of parenting is learned on the job. I’d love to hear from other first-time mums, especially those having their first later in life, about what surprised you most, how you managed those first few weeks, and any tips for feeling confident as a new parent.
I’m also thinking about birth and hoping for a straightforward, natural birth if possible, but I know things might not go exactly to plan. How realistic is it to aim for a natural birth at this age, and what advice would you give someone trying to prepare mentally and physically?

Any reassurance, advice, or honest experiences would be so welcome. I’d love to hear what helped other mums feel ready and confident in those early months.

I’m very grateful I spent a lot of my mid-late 30s doing a lot of work on myself and I went to therapy by myself and my husband and I had couple therapy too. We sort of accepted that we wouldn’t have kids It was very tough especially in the house we bought it’s a family house, a few family members suggested we sell it as it quite emotional for us. We bought the house wanting to start a family. What made me start therapy was when my friend of 25 years got pregnant with her 3rd child at 37 I was so jealous I was of course happy for her but I realised how green and it made me sad because she made my husband and I god parents.

This is so silly but I feel so privileged to be pregnant and expecting a healthy baby. My husband and I will give this baby the world. I’m glad it took us this long I’ve really worked on myself and we’ve worked on our marriage I hope our child brings us even closer it’ll hard to adjust to a new life but we are so ready to give it our all. We’ve got so much support and I can’t wait to welcome baby!!

Congratulations! I was almost 45 when I had my one and only DC. Honestly, I don’t think we are much different to any other parents - we go to gigs, are v youthful in our outlook and 15 years on we are being kept v young because of there being a teen in the house. 40’is nothing and v usual where we live. I was nowhere near the oldest parent in reception and many of the Mums were in their 40s.
Good luck OP. Like you I had a difficult journey to my successful pregnancy but it was worth it.

Congratulation, delighted for you.

In my circle of friends, only 2 had children before 30 and four had their first at your age!

Congratulations! I had my first at 43. I was married at 25 and we tried for children. After a few years I had various investigations in hospital and was told I was unsuitable for IVF (This was early 1980's and quite new). We split up and I went on to marry my husband and take on his 3 sons who were at the time 6, 10 and 12. Step parenting has its problems but life was good. and I had an instant family. I could not believe it when I found I was pregnant. We hadn't used contraception I had been told I couldn't have children!! I loved being pregnant. I had no health issues. I did have regular scans due to my age and various tests like amniocentesis. I was told I would need a C section as I had a low placenta although it moved in the last month. My son was born at 42 weeks and 6 days by C section after not responding to being induced. I had no labour signs at all, and being nearly 43 weeks they needed to take action. He was perfect, still is at 28 and his 3 (step) brothers were brilliant. Just enjoy every moment.

Congratulations 🎊 👏 enjoy the rest of your pregnancy with your feet up, and enjoy your new baby 👶 😘 😉 💕

I had my only baby at 39 and a half. I really didn't prepare until the week before my due date when I finally accepted I probably was having a real live baby.
I noticed the hospital pretty much panicked at every twinge. I was induced in the end but they wouldn't inject me until they'd checked the theatre was free every time!
I did actually end up having emergency c section so maybe they were expecting problems.
I found pregnancy and maternity leave totally easy, couldn't work out why anyone ever complains.

Congratulations!! I had my last one at the same age. Honestly the first few months you'll be bloody knackered whether you're 18 or 40!

You're right it's a learn on the job thing and nothing can really prepare you.

There's no reason related to your age why you can't have a natural birth.

My only advice is do not be hard on yourself or hold yourself to any sort of high expectations in relation to the birth or the first few months. The objective is for you to walk out of the hospital with a healthy baby. That's it, however you get there is a success!

Secondly, the NHS is not in a great place at the moment, make sure your birthing partner is willing and able to advocate for you if you encounter any problems.midwives are spread thin on the wards, so if you genuinely have concerns during the birth they must make themselves heard on your behalf.

Thirdly if you find yourself feeling odd, low or out of sorts in the first few months please say so, to your husband, a friend or the health visitor. Baby blues is very common, do not suffer in silence in some misguided belief that you 'should' be blissfully happy or you 'should' be feeling in control or any of that nonsense.

Finally, enjoy it, even the really hard bits, it will all whizz by in a flash.

Congrats. I had my first at 40 too (and another two years later!!). I went down the elective c-section route both times and was very happy with my choice, very stress free for me.

I bonded straight away with both babies (and found out their genders early). I knew absolutely nothing about babies when I had my first but it all just fell into place quite naturally for me (despite the fact I’d never held a baby before and always refused the offer from new mums visiting back in the office).

Trust your instincts, if something didn’t feel right to me then I didn’t do it, eg letting my baby cry himself to sleep, could not do it, so didn’t.

Both adult now.

Congratulations! My advice is just go with the flow...

I had my first at 39, second at 41. Husband 8 years older. We had been married 13 years before our first was born.

Both healthy, straightforward pregnancies and uncomplicated labours (12 hours start to finish with first, 1 hour with second!).

First didn't sleep through the night until he was 2 1/2, just in time for his sister to be born, but she started sleeping through from about 12 weeks!
We're both very practical people but had no experience of babies. You just do the best you can, and adapt to circumstances as they arise.

Important to keep working on your relationship with your partner as well.

Congratulations! I had my first child at age 17, and my second in my late 30's. Huge age gap! I was a very good Mum at 17 and my now adult son and I have a very close relationship. However, I did find that having more life experience enabled me to be a better mum in my later years. Things had changed so much on recommendations by the time I had my second, I literally felt at times like I was new to parenting all together. My youngest son is now 8. I really love being a Mummy, and have really cherished every last drop of every single moment I can. But looking back, one thing I would change: I got so caught up on following all of the guidance on what's best for baby it stressed me out so bad. It was because I just wanted to be the best Mummy I could be and I'd get so upset if I thought I'd not done something quite right. This somewhat took over and I missed enjoying some moments because I was worrying about them. Looking back, I'd say I'd have liked to have not been so worried about little things, had more confidence in the fact that I knew what was best for me and my baby. I worried if I wasn't doing the same things as other mums or what health visitors advised. An example of this was breastfeeding. I wanted so badly to do this because everyone said breast was best, but I couldn't get good supply, likely due the anxiety of trying to be a good mum! I gave in and went onto bottle feeding, then found out there was breastfeeding support groups I could have accessed and nobody told me! The guilt I felt was devastating. But in the end it was the right decision because my baby was fed and still thrived anyway - I let the shadow of guilt cast a shadow on my enjoyment of parenthood. My advice would be to follow your own instincts, don't be worried about your choices. As long as your baby is healthy and happy you're doing great! Don't be frightened of doing things your way! Online social media groups aren't helpful as you just end up comparing yourself. You need real life people to sit with you in these moments. Find out if there is a doula service and other support groups in your area. I didn't know until after I needed them.

This is by far my most favourite post recently on MN. I'm so happy you will also get to enjoy motherhood. I can tell just by your post that you're going to be an amazing mummy.

So many congratulations to you! I have been both a very young and an older mum. I have two pieces of advice. First, remember that you only need to be 'good enough'. As an older mother who has worked on herself and her marriage, you will already be a better mother than many, but babies and sleep deprivation and toddlers and tantrums and all the rest of it can often test us in quite unpredictable ways. Sometimes when you've been used to a relatively calm, predictable and controllable life, this can feel really difficult. Try to remember that children don't need 'perfect' parents. They need flawed, loving, 'good enough' parents. I recommend Penelope Leach's books which are a good middle way.

Secondly, don't ask Mumsnet/Google/SM etc for too much advice. Trust your own instincts and lean on real life people. This way you build your confidence and social support and don't get sucked into internet madness. Mumsnet can be an excellent source of advice but can also be a rather paranoid place. Social media can be absolutely crazy and can make you think you are constantly failing.

Older Mums super powers are more self confidence and appreciate the bigger picture. I was next to a much younger woman in hospital who wept continually because she was so disappointed at not being able to breast feed her baby. We did get great support in the hospital but my baby couldn't latch either. It was the middle of a hot summer and my Dh and I agreed we'd tried but it wasn't to be, so we moved to formula. I didn't feel bad or less of a mother, it was just one of those things. I also ended up having an emergency section. Again, not what we'd planned but not the end of the world either.
Enjoy your pregnancy and your bubba when they're arrive- that's really all that matters!! 😁

I conceived DD at 40, she was born when I was 41. Ex was 45 when she was conceived, 46 at birth.

I had an easy pregnancy (apart from diet controlled GD). Straighforward, quick vaginal birth although I was meant to be induced at due date but that failed. I found it all an absolute doddle (I mean it was excruciating but amazing). I know you aren’t meant to say that but I felt like bloody superwoman.

Her dad and I are not together now but I have no regrets.

I wouldn’t over think the birth, have an idea of all the options and go with the flow. I wanted an elective section and all the drugs. Ended up with a 6hr labour and only gas and air. Not what I intended!

I had mine at 41 and 43, my DH was four years older. We didn’t meet til I was 39. He already had two kids that were 12 and 14 when we married and he had residential custody of the oldest.
First I developed type 1 diabetes during my pregnancy so went on that track and my baby was very big (I’m almost 6ft and was over 8lbs when I was born in the 60s), over 10lbs when he was born just shy of 37 weeks by section. So my pregnancy and birth were different than what yours will hopefully be!
One thing is you may not find yourself unique in your area. Most of my mum friends had kids in their 40s, the oldest were 45 and 46, all but one was conceived naturally (not the 45 or 46 year olds).
As I had nothing to compare it to I didn’t find it particularly tiring having young kids in my 40s. I guess the big thing is after my second i decided to give up work. I may not have wanted to if I was ten years younger but I felt after 20 years working I’d gone as far as I was going to in my field.
The biggest adjustment was then having my identity reduced to X’s mum, as if the first 40 years didn’t count. As I was used to being quite independent I found it hard to change priorities. I found babyhood pretty dull too to be honest.
You say you and your partner will ‘give the baby your all’, but don’t be surprised if you occasionally feel like you wish you could have your old life back! Don’t think that you will automatically feel this overwhelming huge surge of love after you give birth either - I didn’t. I love my children but they were not my sole reason for living. I had my partner too, do not neglect that.
Two pieces of advice: when young it’s all about routine, when older children and certainly as teens listen listen listen. They are not an extension of you. They have their own ambitions and ideas quite separate to you. Respect that.

Congratulations!!
Honestly my leading advice at our age would be to take your pelvic floor seriously. Look it up. Do your exercises. Get your muscles in a good place during and after the pregnancy.

Congratulations! I was 37 for my first, 39 for my second. Many years of IVF beforehand. I think there are things that are easier as an older first time mum and things that are harder. I was more secure in myself, more experienced in life and with so many people having had kids around me I had a clearer idea of the kind of parent I wanted to be. The more difficult was that it was probably a little more difficult to adjust to the seismic change to your life that is becoming a parent as I was very settled in my life by then. And maybe a bit tougher with the lack of sleep etc. I’ve never felt “old” as a parent though - more of my NCT class were older than me than were younger!

Ooh, huge congratulations!! I met DH in my 30s, married at 39 and found afterwards that I was having an early menopause. Had donor eggs and twins aged 44! Best thing in my life!!

We had no family support and DH worked full time but I had plenty of energy and it was a breeze. Now I'm 61 and look back and think how fit I was then compared to now, but hey ho....😂 DH is 5 years younger and plays tennis etc longer than I can, but it's all been good.

Plus we were settled financially so I could be a SAHM, and even now just do a few hours as does DH, so we have lots of time to spend with the children. He and his mates took them skiing last year! Lots of positives to being older parents!

Ok the advice I'm going to give you is controversial. I had first at 40 second at 44. They were big babies, I couldn't keep them breastfed. Went onto the formula and it changed everything! Yes you will be knackered. Play tag team for a few months. Husband was working but I'd go to bed at 8pm during week and he'd do any feeds/changes up until midnight then I'd take over. Meant we both got some uninterrupted sleep.

I don't think 40 is so old these days to start a fam. We had our kids at 38, 41 and 43 (almost 44) in the early noughties. You might find you manage a second as somehow the body seems to know what it's doing after the first.

My top tips, see if you can find some natural birth ante natal classes. I found these really helpful. I highly recommend water birth for a multitude of reasons. Also look into perineal massage which can reduce the risk of tearing during delivery. Once baby arrives, hopefully safely and healthily, try to relax and enjoy the experience - it is such a precious and special time. March is a lovely time to deliver as you're just coming into spring with lots of lovely opportunities to get out and about throughout the spring and summer and walk with your baby and socialise, meet other new mums, go to various baby classes etc.

Really, very best of luck with it all and just go with what feels right for you and your baby as you'll be overwhelmed with advice.

Congratulations! I had first at 40 and a very surprise second at 46.
both very easy natural births, no tears or stitches. However I did lots of birth preparation hypnobirthing, perineal massage and pregnancy yoga which I am sure helped.
As someone else said the NHS maternity not in a great place currently, we had first at birthing unit (amazing) and second at large tertiary hospital (absolute chaos) consider if you want an advocate e.g doula or independent midwife

Congratulations OP, that’s so exciting 🥰
in terms of preparing for birth, Hypnobirthing by Siobhan Miller is a fantastic resource for helping you prepare for everything from totally unmedicated water birth to elective or emergency c section.

For post-partum, I’d just say that whatever you feel is okay. A lot of women don’t feel that rush of hormonal love people talk about. It’s okay and normal to feel sad, regretful, resentment etc, it doesn’t mean you are a bad mum or won’t grow to love your child fiercely. With your experience of therapy you have good tools to help you process whatever comes your way.

Even if you have something like an NCT group, I would actually recommend a Facebook due date group - I’m in one for both my children and the anonymity (even when posting with your name) makes it helpful space to offload. Both of the groups I’m in are very supportive, much less bitchy than mumsnet can be!

Also, depending on where you live you can choose your hospital (even at this stage). My closest hospital with a maternity unit has a terrible reputation, so for both births I went to the “outstanding” rated midwife led birth centre half an hour away and had wonderful experiences. I recognise not everyone has this option though.

Congratulations!!
I’ve just had my third baby age 44 and I would not have it any other way x

40s mum too. It’s great! You have more time and patience and feel like you have less to “give up”.

advice: pregnancy yoga, great for body and mind and meeting nice mums. But don’t feel the natural birth pressure the teachers of yoga/nct often preach. Yes mine were both natural but if there are risks your midwife will help you work out the best birth. You can’t plan for the baby’s birth/position etc. both mine were very different, one awful one wonderful. You’ll never be able to fully plan!

also every child is different. DO NOT EVER compare yourself to others. Just relax and enjoy it. The feeding, weaning, sleep, potty training etc are all different for every child, just follow your instincts and pick which bits of advice work for you. Again both my children were different despite doing the same things!

Don’t feel the pressure to spend all your maternity leave at baby classes, they are too young age 0-6m to know where they are; just buy a great sling and go out walking and spend time one on one with your baby close to you, and Dad of course, and maybe hang out with a select few like minded mums who you can share support with. Repairing yourself is as important as caring for baby in first few months. It’s tough going but all worth it.

I had my DC when I was 27 for the first, 28 for the second. They are that age now but no sign of grandchildren!

I was the youngest by a long way, all the other mums were early 40s. And that was a good while back now!

I had mine in my early forties, I breastfed for the first 3 months only with both, then went onto formula. Roll on twenty odd years I have two strapping 6 footers. I would do the same again.