Cesarian with a toddler and no help evenings or weekends after two weeks. Possible??

[Wirelessbird]

Hi guys,

I am due to have a cesarian and will have a 3.5year old at that point. My partner is an actor and has just been offered a long run of a play throughout my third trimester and first three months postpartum.

This means he would get two week’s paternity leave max. After this he would only have Mondays off each week. On days with one show (Tues, wed, Fri) he would leave at 5pm returning at 11pm. On two show days (Thurs, sat, sun) he would leave at 1pm returning at 11pm.

I am worried about handling the evenings and the majority of the weekends on my own whilst recovering from surgery. With my first, I could obviously just rest and move with the newborn needs. The end of the day is often in a particularly tricky point so I’m looking for stories of reassurance or tips from people who managed evenings and weekends on their own with two from early on.

thank you!

Is the c-section optional or for medical reasons? Tough as a vaginal birth is, your body recovers so much more quickly. Otherwise could you find a student to come in the evenings to help you with your toddler/bath times etc.

I think at 3.5 years old you’ll be ok. Just train your eldest before to make sure you don’t need to lift them at any point so they’re getting in/out the car, bath, bed etc. by themselves.

You should be fine. The first week is the hardest but after two weeks I definitely found I was over the worst of it and was just twinging here and there. I’ve had two sections. Everyone is different of course.

Get your partner to bath the toddler when he’s there, so you don’t have to do the lifting. You’ll be fine.

Yes I'd say that will be fine. As long as you're not having to lift your older child into the car/bath etc...make sure you've got a few little step stools so they can be independent. Keep baby in the sling while you do bedtime for your older child and you should be able to mostly do things as normal. Each week will be easier than the last as you heal more and more.

It sounds like your partner will be around quite a lot really, just make sure you do most of what needs to be done earlier in the day- bath, main meal etc.

Yes doable, definitely put your recovery first but also accept it won’t not be “perfect- parenting” how you would like it to all be but just do what works in the moment . Practically bath the 3.5yr early and into PJs and use the tv as a babysitter if needed. Have meals already prepped, just go with the flow as bedtime routines can be fixed later on if needed. Take all the help you can get. Enjoy the new baby.

You should be fine. I had an ELCS and had a 3.5 year old and my husband returned to work at 3 weeks, I was able to comfortably drive to preschool drop offs etc, it was no problem! Just make sure you don’t carry the eldest, and I wore baby in a sling quite a lot as our travel system was quite heavy and I couldn’t easily lift it in and out of the car boot for a few more weeks! Recovery from an elective section was nowhere near as bad as my previous complicated vaginal birth.

Yes but you will need to go with it and maybe shift the timeline of your day - its not the law to have baths before bed,maybe shifting to a much later bedtime would work etc. Is your preschooler (I don't think 3.5 is a toddler really?) at nursery at all in the day? You'll have 2 adults around virtually all day 4 days a week so time to rest. Your partner just needs to ensure he is absolutely pulling his weight when he is at home. 11pm isnt really a late finish, it's not like working nights, so he can get up with the older child pretty much every day. In some ways you'll have more useful support than many women do. Assuming your partner is indeed useful.

Is your 3 year old in a cot now? Or have you transistioned to a bed? It’s key that you get the transition done before you have the baby. My son tools weeks to adjust and lots of running around at bed time.

I had a c section with a 2 and a half year old. In the early weeks my partner needed to be away during the day I did struggled to look after both. Also if your partner is out till 11am he isn’t going to be up at 6am for an early start either.

so I think in acting it’s hard to turn down work so you will find a coping mechanism. Ask friends if they can joins rota to pop in each evening. I would if local.

the only weight you carry from birth is the baby. To cope with my toddler and baby I started using a sling from birth. Baby Bjorn mini is great as it doesn’t impact the scar area. I used to do bath/bedtime with the toddler with the baby snug in the carrier.

You don't know how any type of birth is going to go, or the recovery that will be needed.

Good luck with your section OP. I loved the advice I've just read further up about shifting bathtimes etc. What is your current childcare situation? Nursery?

I think it will be fine with some flexibility around who does what and when.

Evenings will be fine - get anything that needs lifting dealt with before DH goes to work - bathe earlier in the day, dinner all cleared away. Your evening can be stories, sofa time, and bed.

Weekends will be tougher, although if you have a main meal before he goes out, and plan an activity for the oldest each afternoon, it should be ok.

If he had a standard job he’d be gone all day anyway, 2 weeks is two weeks longer than men took when I had mine, no paternity at all then where I lived so women were driving the school run 4 days afterwards, legal there I presume. I’m trying to play down c sections, they are major surgery but unless there’s other mitigating factors, at 3.5 years your preschooler should be fairly independent physically, just have plenty of distractions available aka bribes

I had an elective C-section with my now 6 month old when my daughter was 2.5years. Firstly I found the elective C-section a much quicker recovery than my first emergency section, and my consultant said this is quite normal. I was sitting up by myself day 3 and by day 14 pretty back to normal just feeling abit bruised. Hopefully you’ll be just as straight forward.

The hardest part was stopping my toddler jumping on me, and I was more handicapped by the baby in general - feeding / napping than the c-section.

Having 2 so young is hard but most the challenges are unrelated to birth. Just go with the flow when your alone… more tv, later or earlier bedtimes, more mess, etc and find a system that works for you guys regardless of how “traditional” it is.

You’ve got this mama good luck!

It is very doable. 2 weeks paternity leave is standard, at least it was when mine were little. You will also be over the worst after 2 weeks. If it's tough just lower your standards, easy meals, less cleaning, some quiet TV time. You will be fine. I'm not saying it's easy, I had a newborn and a potty training toddler, it was very full on, but it is manageable.

I presume your husband needs to work and this is the work he does. As you have identified that the end of the day is tricky for you could you consider having some paid help for a month? I hope all goes well for you.

I done this, but also with a 6 year old and my new born were twins. I also had one baby naturally and 2nd baby by c section.
my husband worked very long hours, so wasn’t there at all during the week after his 2 weeks paternity leave.
it might be tough, but it’ll be ok.
good luck

I see why you are worrying OP but I think you will be fine. My OH travelled a lot when I was in that situation and the worst bit by far was the mornings. I’d had bugger all sleep and then had to be up early with my eldest. Your DH should be able to take both kids for a few hours in the morning to allow you to catch up on some sleep.

After my first section (emergency), I found that I was moving around quite easily within the first day, showered without assistance etc later the same day, then after about a week I felt pretty much normal. My second section (planned) I had almost 3 year old twins to contend with alongside the baby. Again, I was moving around etc in the first day then felt back to normal after maybe about 10 days so a little longer but I did go a walk round town with the baby on day 3 and was pretty much getting on with life as a mum of 3 making lunches, tidying up, getting them dressed etc. The third section, which was also planned, I had the newborn, just turned 5 year old twins a just turned 2 year old. Again, it was about 10 days or so before feeling fine although I will say I definitely felt tender for longer than the other 2 sections and more sluggish and slow to begin with.

But everyone recovers differently. I personally would have been alright but it really depends on the individual and how the c-section itself goes. Was your first a section? If so, how was your recovery that time?

All depends my partner had to take 3 months off as I was so unwell

I think it’s more difficult than most of the other posters and would organize paid help if at all possible for the first month.

After my first c-section I would have said you’d be absolutely fine, but recovery was a lot longer after my second. I wasn’t great for a month - maybe because I’m a bit older..?

Tbh i had 2 c sections and i also would have really struggled. Your older child will be at a very physical age as well. I would try and arrange as much help as possible.

Everyone is different op so i think you do need to make provisions tbh. A poster above is describing going for a walk around town on day 3.

On day 3 for my DC1 i was still in hospital.