Friend being demanding.

[Mummacato]

I am currently 6 months pregnant with my second child and have a 2 year old Toddler.

My best friend is always suggesting we go abroad and do mini trips to places. I suggest us going out for a meal or something low key but it’s never good enough and she’s recently suggested going to Spain for the day for lunch. I feel like im going mad. Is she just not getting it. Why would I want to do that?

My other friend suggested doing a baby shower for me and straight away she said let’s go abroad.
I will be quite far gone at this point so want to do something chilled. I just can’t get her logic.

She is single and has no commitments etc but I feel pressured all the time and then she gets in a bit of a mood if I say it’s too much!

Why don't you just say, "haha, A trip abroad when I am this pregnant and have a toddler? That definitely wouldn't be the fun trip we used to enjoy."

I think a lot of women who don't have children don't get it. It's usually just cluelessness more than anything else.

Did you do this type of thing with her before?

I imagine it's possibly a combination of not understanding that it's not always easy to leave little children overnight (which I didn't before I had one) and potentially missing the things you used to do together? Especially if she doesn't have anyone else to go with.

I would tell her you can’t do things like that anymore with a toddler & soon to be newborn. Thats the single child free life. Just be honestZ

Thanks for all of your comments. Yes we did used to do a lot before and I have been away with her already this year for a few days. I have said to her multiple times I just want to do something chilled at the moment but it doesn’t seem to go in and she just keeps on about it.

I have said to her multiple times I just want to do something chilled at the moment but it doesn’t seem to go in and she just keeps on about it

Then you need to be firmer. Also- ask her why she keeps asking you the same question when she already knows the answer.

The fact is, she just isnt listening to you which isnt the sign of a genuine friend. It's also not just about pregnancy, there could be multiple reasons why you might not be able to drop everything to go to Spain "for lunch" (WTF?). Even when not pregnant, I wouldnt be able to just take annual leave at such short notice to do that.

Can you make some more specific suggestions about what you would like to do instead? “Something chilled” is maybe a bit vague.

I doubt she’s being malicious. She’s just clueless and not understanding why you can’t do this stuff any more. For example, when I was young about a million years ago and my friends were having babies, it wouldn’t have occurred to me that a breastfed baby couldn’t be away from its mother, because I didn’t have one and didn’t know how it worked. And why would I - I’d never had one or been exposed to that. I may have just assumed that they could have a bottle for a day or so. Didn’t know that EBF babies were a thing, but it was lack of experience, nothing more malicious.

I do have some sympathy with the friends in this kind of situation, though; their life has had to change through no fault of their own because you decided to change yours.

You are right I think I have been a bit too soft up to know in fear of upsetting her. I do keep telling her but my approach is too soft. I know it is madness. I think she is just looking for escapism constantly to fill a bit of an empty void.

I have made suggestions I.e going out for a meal or to the cinema, for a walk. Going somewhere coastal for the day but I always say a couple of hours drive max, as going abroad is just too much for me at the moment. I do get it’s a big change for her, but also we have lots of other single friends who like to travel she could do things with so I’m not sure why I’m constantly made to feel guilty when I say no.

I do have some sympathy with the friends in this kind of situation, though; their life has had to change through no fault of their own because you decided to change yours

But noones life ever stays exactly the same so thats a completely unrealistic expectation. Even if you had no kids, you might move jobs, move away, have caring responsibilities for your parents or extended family, you might need to move out of financial necessity, you might end up bereaved/divorced/ you might get ill etc etc These are all life changes that happen to us and you cannot expect that your friends will always be in the exact same life situation as you are - its simply not going to happen.

Friendships survive because compromises are made and it's about give and take and reciprocity- just like any relationship. It's also completely unhealthy and dysfunctional to expect one single friend to be the centre of your world and to expect them to fulfil all your needs. Needing a friend to fill a void is not healthy at all.

Just say no I do not see the difficulty here ?

I have multiple times and she just keeps saying the same thing again and again and then if I say no I get radio silence

It just doesn’t go in!

You’ve reached that stage in life where your priorities are different. It happens a lot in friendship groups. You’re now a mum and want to do family events etc, whilst she’s still young and single, and living that life still. Nothing wrong with either path, but at the moment , your worlds are different. I think you’re going to have a big honest conversation with her about this, and how your priorities have changed. It may even mean stepping back slightly.

Just tell her to stop repeating herself,if she repeats “sorry sandra but my kids come first before anyone else, including myself. I dont know why you think I should put my kids second to you?”

Haha Sandra! Love that! I just need to be firmer and not feel guilty if she gets in a mood or I get radio silence which is what happens.

Yes I think you’re absolutely right. We are on very different pages right now. I think a honest convo needs to happen and If she gets in a mood so be it! I need to stop feeling guilty about upsetting her.

But, bluntly, so what? Your softly softly approach isn't getting you anywhere either.

So either you deal with the discomfort arising from not being forceful and her repeatedly asking the same question (which is meaning you're posting on the internet about resenting the situation) or you deal with the discomfort of being clear and saying 'Sarah, I don't know how I can be any clearer. I've lost count of how many times I've said no to going abroad. Please don't ask me again.'

Your choice.

Going abroad for a baby shower?! Aren't these usually held at home?!

Who is she? Kim Kardashian?

Also who the fuck goes to Spain for lunch?!

Is she a TikTik / Instagram travel blogger or something? Because I have literally never heard of anyone in my life doing this ever.

Yep get your point!

Hahaha I know! You would think so wouldn’t you!

Haha yep usually unless you have boat loads of money or a celeb generally!

Hahaha I know mad isn’t it! Unless you have a boat load of money it usually is at home or you’re a celeb! X

Talk about generalising! Of course women who haven’t got children understand.I’ve got 2 really close friends who decided not to have children, they’ve always been really supportive with my pregnancies and then with childcare.
OP, l completely understand why you would prefer to go low key, particularly when you’re further in your pregnancy, agree with other comments, be firm, if your friend doesn’t understand, then she’s not much of a friend.

Some do, and some don’t.