Grandparents staying after birth

[YuzuMochi]

Dear all,
I was really hoping to get some advice as I am a first time mum and I don't know what to expect!
I am currently 20 weeks in my first pregnancy with baby due in March. Everything has been smooth so far 🥰
What I'm dreading though, is the whole chaos that will come after the birth. My husband and I are both away from our parents (about 3-4h flight away from home), who are really excited about the arrival of their first grandchild. My mum, who's been dreaming about a grandkid for years and has pushed us to have a child for a long time, is over the moon and she wants to come to live with us for 5-6 months when the baby is due. She actually wanted to come already when I'll be around 30 weeks cause she thinks I'm not capable of looking after myself and she's worried that I'm harming the baby by not eating well/working too much etc (all things she keeps saying), but I managed to postpone her arrival. Now she wants to come at the end of pregnancy around 38 weeks (when I start my maternity leave) "to look after me" and then she wants to stay for another 4 months after the baby is born to make sure we can care for the baby appropriately. Of course she would stay with us cause there's no way she can stay in a hotel (can't drive in a foreign country, also we have a big house with 2 spare rooms for now and it really wouldn't make sense for her not to sleep here). She's in general a very difficult person that can't take "no" for an answer without making a huge fuss, guilt trips, months of silence etc. She's helpful (would certainly clean the house, cook, do laundry etc once here), but also extremely critical (everything that we do is wrong, if it's not done by her), so I'm also a bit worried of all the criticism that will come once the baby will come, cause obviously I will make mistakes. She makes people feel "incapable" so that she can help them and feel that we can depend on her (not on purpose, but it's her way of doing things because she always wants to feel "needed"). Even now, she's already criticising that I'm doing too much exercise, not eating enough meat, not eating the appropriate fruits, working too much etc (btw I'm even a doctor and my results are all perfect but she still thinks that all I do is wrong - simply because she wants to feel that I need her). So of course I know she'll be even worse once the baby is here. Btw his parents will also come after the birth of the baby, so we'll have a full house (and my in laws are also very helpful), but they'll only stay for a couple of weeks.

What I was planning was to have 1-2 weeks alone after the birth to build up as a family, then allow visitors to stay in, and for my mum to only stay 1 month... But maybe I'm just saying this cause I don't know what to expect and actually having help before the birth and then after for a long time is actually a blessing? Surely all grandparents will help a lot, but they're also critical, so I don't know what's the best thing to do.
What do you suggest, based on your experience?
Thanks for your help and sorry for the long post!!!! 😅

I wouldn't want to see anyone on that level for at least 3 months, I love being a hermit for that time. It sounds absolutely crazy, you know yourself best though. Things get done with a baby, it just takes time to get into your stride, I wouldn't want anyone staying in my house. It's also recommended now only the parents feed baby to build attachment which might displease your parents and parents in law.

Good grief, 5/6 months?! Is it your baby or hers as shes acting like the latter. I would tell her shes welcome for a week maximum a few weeks after they are born, no more than that.

follow your gut on this one - she’s bullying you into staying and already you’re finding her critical

When you’re post partum and tired all you want to do some times is wallow in the loveliness that is your new baby.

I wouldn’t even want my in-laws for two weeks (unless you’re very able to relax around them)

the person who would be great to stay would be a housemaid who stays quietly in the background, does some cooking cleaning and laundry. Not a person who is going to tell you what to do when, what you’re doing wrong etc etc

You have to just say no, OP. Pleasantly and firmly, and don’t get into any discussion or negotiation about it. I find it helpful to phrase it as “We’re not going to have anyone stay in the house for the first while” or similar - that way it’s nothing personal to her, just a policy you and your husband have decided on.

Oh
My
God
Sod all of the above op. This is your baby and your time..
They have had their dc.
You realise you prob won't even have chance to bond. And neither will your dh.
Those early months are precious.. And essential. Cancel all their plans imo.

You might find her help invaluable.
My parents came to stay after DD 1 was born and I honestly couldn’t have managed without them after DH went back to work.

That’s batshit crazy. I wouldn’t have told her you were pregnant in the first place.

I genuinely would rather not have a baby than have to put up with all that nonsense.

You and DH need to firmly say no but I'm also a believer in treating both Grannies the same.

Let them come over but they must stay in a hotel and limit it to a week and you won't be doing any hosting for them.

If MIL turns up for 6 months, personally I would be moving out permanently.

This is a hard one! I'm 24 weeks pregnant and really don't like the idea of having family stay with us once the baby is born, I know I'll appreciate help but also reckon I'll want to sit around with no bra on, learning to breastfeed, probably crying, and I don't want people there all the time through that!

My mum lives overseas and is coming over for when the baby is born but not staying with us, so she can pop over as needed which I think will be really great. I know my in laws would be keen to visit, but live a 5 hour drive away and until we find our feet I just wouldn't be comfortable them staying, I feel like I have to host and couldn't relax properly, which will be too much!

I think you need to do what's right for.you, if your gut is already telling you it's too much then put some boundaries in now and reduce the amount of time you'll have visitors, but if you'd really rather they didn't come at all, say so! Good luck, wishing you a smooth rest of your pregnancy

Thank you all!!!
I will talk to them this evening and tell them of our plans... I'm glad to hear I'm not being unreasonable before calling her, thank you! On one side I want a bit of privacy, on the other I keep hearing that "it takes a village" so I was wondering if asking some time alone is crazy lol 😅 but at the end of the day, we won't be alone cause they'll stay and help a bit, just not for as long as they wanted! I'll call them tonight and hope it'll go well (it won't lol 😅)

Typical in my culture for parents to help out too. So I arranged it that they could come after my DH went back to work. It meant I had two months of help which was great. However I had a very easy going mother . The novelty soon wore off too and no fighting for the baby but was lovely to have the ability to sleep when necessary, meals cooked , laundry done , house cleaned .

Thanks for your reply! I can see we're in similar situation, except that grandparents would stay at home here... How long is your mum staying? Is she coming before birth? On one side I think she could help with preparations, but on the other it would then be impossible to have some time for ourselves if she's already here 🤔

That sounds lovely! My initial plan was exactly that one: for my mum to come when my husband is back to work, but it's an impossible request for her (she wants to be here even before the birth lol), and I also don't want to cause drama, so I thought asking her to come 1 week-10 days after birth would be a good compromise 🤔

Months of silence you say......

I'll take it!

You must be a capable person if you’re a doctor and living/practising away from your home country; so why aren’t you reminding your mother of that every time she criticises you as useless?

Blimey OP, months of visitors would be my idea of hell (even without a baby)! YANBU

My mum is planning on coming out a week before the due date, and staying for a while, will see how it goes. My dad will come too but a bit later, they live in Australia but useful to live in the UK so will also see friends/my brother and do their own thing a bit so I'm hoping it'll be a good balance. I think maybe if I'm sitting around waiting for the baby to arrive it might be nice to have her here for a bit or company as my husband will be working until the birth, but I'm intending to rest as much as possible and stock up the freezer, and it's more after the baby arrives I'd appreciate the help!

Honestly it sounds like a situation that could very easily ruin your relationship for life. Avoid at all costs!

Jesus Christ OP no way. You need time to find your way with your baby and the last thing you need is people ‘helping’ by taking the baby every chance they get and telling you everything you’re doing wrong. I would suggest a week max to stay at least a few weeks in.

Horrendous idea. You and your husband need time together with the baby to figure things out. Time to put firm rules in place now.

5/6 months. Gosh I love my mum but I couldn’t think of anything worse! Surely you want the time to be personal for you and your partner and new family! You will never get this time back x

No. Absolutely not.
You and your husband need family time just the three of you. Your mother should not be part of the equation. Especially with how you've just described her.
You're an adult who is capable of taking care of yourself and YOUR new baby.
Just say no thanks.

OP please go with your gut about this and your need for quiet time to bond with new baby, which is so precious. You and your DH need a united front on this - as pp said above, you need to have a decided policy that you don't want anyone else in the house until well after the birth - say 6-8 weeks after, or longer to be decided by yourselves, and tell her this, no ifs no buts. You and DH call the shots and she needs to comply with what you want. Have the convo with her if you want, but get your DH to lay the law down too. I get the feeling she is more likely to respect the firm voice of a man than yours? Is your DH up for this?
To do with help, do you have close friends where you are? Or as pp suggested, hire someone who would quietly keep domestic things going - cleaning, cook a few meals etc,but be in the background and there as much or as little as you want. No need for anyone to know back here. Please don't be bullied into this visit by your DM. Tell her she can come and "meet" the baby later when you are ready. 😊
.

If your mum didn’t come to stay you would have managed as you’d have to. She may have been a huge help to you, but not everyone has the same experience- especially with overbearing parents.

Wow. I would have to put my foot down and say a firm NO. Otherwise I would worry that she would spoil the early precious moments and memories with a newborn! and you will look back and always feel sad that you spent those first few months feeling worried to make a mistake or guilty for eating the wrong things etc. instead of just enjoying your baby.