Grandparents staying after birth

[YuzuMochi]

Dear all,
I was really hoping to get some advice as I am a first time mum and I don't know what to expect!
I am currently 20 weeks in my first pregnancy with baby due in March. Everything has been smooth so far 🥰
What I'm dreading though, is the whole chaos that will come after the birth. My husband and I are both away from our parents (about 3-4h flight away from home), who are really excited about the arrival of their first grandchild. My mum, who's been dreaming about a grandkid for years and has pushed us to have a child for a long time, is over the moon and she wants to come to live with us for 5-6 months when the baby is due. She actually wanted to come already when I'll be around 30 weeks cause she thinks I'm not capable of looking after myself and she's worried that I'm harming the baby by not eating well/working too much etc (all things she keeps saying), but I managed to postpone her arrival. Now she wants to come at the end of pregnancy around 38 weeks (when I start my maternity leave) "to look after me" and then she wants to stay for another 4 months after the baby is born to make sure we can care for the baby appropriately. Of course she would stay with us cause there's no way she can stay in a hotel (can't drive in a foreign country, also we have a big house with 2 spare rooms for now and it really wouldn't make sense for her not to sleep here). She's in general a very difficult person that can't take "no" for an answer without making a huge fuss, guilt trips, months of silence etc. She's helpful (would certainly clean the house, cook, do laundry etc once here), but also extremely critical (everything that we do is wrong, if it's not done by her), so I'm also a bit worried of all the criticism that will come once the baby will come, cause obviously I will make mistakes. She makes people feel "incapable" so that she can help them and feel that we can depend on her (not on purpose, but it's her way of doing things because she always wants to feel "needed"). Even now, she's already criticising that I'm doing too much exercise, not eating enough meat, not eating the appropriate fruits, working too much etc (btw I'm even a doctor and my results are all perfect but she still thinks that all I do is wrong - simply because she wants to feel that I need her). So of course I know she'll be even worse once the baby is here. Btw his parents will also come after the birth of the baby, so we'll have a full house (and my in laws are also very helpful), but they'll only stay for a couple of weeks.

What I was planning was to have 1-2 weeks alone after the birth to build up as a family, then allow visitors to stay in, and for my mum to only stay 1 month... But maybe I'm just saying this cause I don't know what to expect and actually having help before the birth and then after for a long time is actually a blessing? Surely all grandparents will help a lot, but they're also critical, so I don't know what's the best thing to do.
What do you suggest, based on your experience?
Thanks for your help and sorry for the long post!!!! 😅

Absolutely not, mine was bad enough as they lived within walking distance and would constantly turn up. Never lifted a finger to help and I couldn’t have a snooze when my son was asleep because they were always there. Similar characters, very guilt oriented. No surprise I rarely see them now.

My mum lives a one hour train ride away from me and she stayed with us for a week after my first dd was born. There was no paternity leave at the time so my ex husband was at work the day we came out of hospital. I’d had a c section and a 10 pounder and was very sore so I was glad of the help! Oh and she was the first born grandchild on both sides. I couldn’t imagine a month let alone 6 months!!

It's so hard as you have no idea how your baby will be.

With my first, baby was very colicky so I would have loved all the help for months. With second, I didn't need it.

Would she be more receptive if how long you guys want her to stay came from your partner? I.e. you saying my partner wants xyz?

I think be kind and firm but keep your options open. You might want her to stay longer and need help, so don't burn bridges.

You could for example say 6 weeks is maximum as my husband wants us to be independent. Or how about you frame it as if they say yes to her, you'll have to say yes to your mother in-law too so can't be coping with that?

I would probably limit your mothers stay to same as your in-laws and that way you can argue it's fair, and your mother might be better behaved too Infront of strangers.

Sounds like a nightmare. My family came on day 2. I was buzzing on day 1 and felt invincible but on day 2 i was knackered. I'd just got ds1 to sleep and wanted to go to sleep myself but had to get up and socialise. I also found for the first couple of months if ds1 was awake he wanted to be permanently attached to my boobs. But other people just wanted to pick him up and cuddle him which would wake him up and then he wanted to be fed again and whoever was holding him had to reluctantly give him back.

I think if people are genuinely helpful then they can stay (but not with you) for a week or so but no more than that. Also i find telling people that the baby cries a lot at night is a good excuse for not having people stay at your house.

How lovely. Make sure you get her her own place close by.

Absoluelty disgusting all the comments.

OP - would you do the same in her position? Or would like your daughter/son to be isolated with no family for support?

Also i find that it wasn't really needed having people come to "help" after dc1. After dc3 my parents came for a week which was great. They took dc1 to school and dc2 to the park so i could just feed dc3.

How is it disgusting to point out that someone who’s currency is criticism, guilt trips, silent treatment etc , would be a nightmare?

I know we are all different. But you’re likely to be feeling quite vulnerable in the immediate post natal period. You need to decide whether her ‘mothering’ style will be damaging to your mental health, confidence and sanity or will it be helpful. From your post it sounds like setting ground rules with her won’t be possible. I worry that she is going to undermine your confidence as a new mother and at best you will hate her for it or at worst you will feel like you can’t cope without her.
You dont need her to sign off your ability to ‘look after the baby appropriately’ - who does she think she is?

@ohsitdownnexttome12
OP would like her mother to develop some sensitivity, common sense, intuition and emotional intelligence otherwise OP wouldn’t have to start a thread like this.

Nah, no fucking way.

Personally, I found it too much even having visitors in the daytime, let alone staying over . I had 3 weeks of 3/4 sets of different visitors a day with my first. I felt like I was losing my mind. I just wanted to get on with learning to look after my baby without people here all the time.

MIL was very quick to try and ‘help’. A lot of well-intentioned advice, but it comes across as criticism when you’ve just had a baby. You may not be the same but my emotions were WILD after having a baby. The advice from everyone infuriated me, made me feel like I was doing a shit job & it MASSIVELY knocked my confidence. I still resent MIL to this day.

You need to be firm with your Mum. I would straight up tell her no, you want to learn how to look after your baby yourself initially and you will let her know when you are ready for her to come (although I don’t think I would let her come at all). She obviously needs to be needed and will blatantly knock your confidence with a newborn.

I would tell both sets of Grandparents that you’d like to see how you’re getting on before committing to visitors for a long time.

@ohsitdownnexttome12
a good place for the OP’s mother to start would be to ask ‘ what would you like me to do to help?’, not just steamroll in and tell OP what is happening. Fgs.

Meanwhile the west complain about all the ddp dda ppr and low breast feeding. Don't let anyone hold their babies and tell their own mum they aren't welcome

Mmmh looking from her point of view is also good, that's true! I think from her point of view she's surely doing all this for my sake, cause she wants to be helpful 🤔 I don't think she realises that she's sometimes a very difficult person, because she thinks she's always right, so from her point of view she's always helpful 😅 maybe I could use this point of view to tell her what I think it's the best for us, she can stay for a few weeks but if needed she can stay longer if needed... She would be a great support, but not overbearing 🤔

OP doesn't have any of her own

Definitely only let her come 2 weeks after the birth and not before.

Before you give birth will be your and DH’s last time as just a couple together! You want to really enjoy that special time together and go on last dates, go to the cinema together and nest without a third wheel.

Right after the birth, I think it’s really important to just be you two, it’s such a magical blur of a time and I really enjoyed those first few weeks just us. I had a c-section but was completely fine to manage with just DH & me and DDog.

Not only is it so lovely to bond as a family unit, I think it’s particularly important for men to have that time alone with their baby without grandmothers around, because they learn to step up 50:50 and learn nappies and feeding etc.

As soon as grandmothers arrive the dads get bumped down the “get to hold” baby list and end up at the bottom. Once my mum arrived, if I wasn’t holding baby, my mum was, and my husband got about 5 minutes a day with his new baby.

It didn’t matter because we had already had that early baby bubble and he had bonded and felt really confident with the baby. But if my mum had been there right at the beginning when we were learning how to hold the baby properly, I can totally picture how she would have stepped in, corrected us, took baby herself because it was “easier” and then my husband would never have felt totally confident.

Just my perception and I know lots of families do multi generational from the start, but for me personally I think it’s important for new dads to learn about their babies without grandmothers there for the first few weeks.

What I will say is that once we had that first two weeks to ourselves, it was totally lovely having my mum there. She’s a difficult woman but she was on absolutely top form when she came to stay and I actually cried every day for a week after she left - which totally surprised me. Accept her support but say you’re having a no visitor bubble for 10 days at the start.

Yes, I totally see the problem of the "dads being stepped down" 🤔 I already see it now, when all grandmothers only talk to me about caring for the baby as if my husband is not part of the equation 😑 he's very good and I'm sure he'll be a great dad, but I think our moms are just from a different generation (and different culture - Asian- too).. my mum even asked me to come back home with her once she's leaving, because I'll be on maternity leave and "husband is not going to be around anyway cause he's working", and obviously I told her it's not an option cause I don't want our child to grow up without a dad, but she really doesn't understand why I would like to stay here... It annoys me how little importance she gives to the paternal figure, just because in her culture dads wouldn't usually do much apart from earning money 😑

I can understand her wanting to see the baby (and you) but this situation does sound incredibly intense and I couldn’t cope with that! Together with her criticising you all the time and it’s a recipe for disaster.
Its difficult because she doesn’t just live around the corner but you and your partner are going to need time and space to bond with your baby and form your own routine.
Imagine if after 4 or 5 months and your partner has gone back to work and both sets of grandparents have buggered off, you’re then left to try and manage a baby on your own when you’ve had the world and his wife chipping in constantly.
Of course they want to see the baby but this level of intenseness just isn’t feasible I don’t think.

This. And you don't really need help with one child (different if you had a brood of toddlers to contend with).

If she was fairly easy going I'd have said have the first 2-3 weeks on your own, then she can come for 2-3 weeks MAX. But as she is so tricky...I don't know. Can she just come for a week?

This sounds awful. There is no way I would want a full house after birth of baby. If you were very close and relaxed with your mum maybe. I would limit to weeks if not days. Then see how you feel before making further plans.

My mum lives overseas. For our first she came just before my due date but I actually went into labour the day she arrived! Back then DH did not get paternity leave and was not allowed leave other than for the birth. Baby arrived over the weekend and he was back at work on Monday. Having my mum around was wonderful - but she is very easy going and didn’t voice opinions or try to takeover unless asked. She kept out of the way when DH came in from work to give us time together while she did the cooking. I loved having her there but it’s really down to your relationship. In your circumstances I’d probably ask her to come after your DH has had his paternity leave and is going back to work. That gives you a chance to bond as a family before she arrives. Also tell her that a lot of things have changed since she was a mum and you will be following current guidance! Surely she can’t argue with a doctor!

Why couldn’t you manage? People make out things are far harder than they really are.

I was an older mother and managed quite easily without any extended family support whatsoever. Nobody other than DH even so much as made me a cup of tea.

Also be careful if she does come before the birth that she doesn't steamroll her way into being there for the birth of your baby, unless that's what you want. I'd not want anyone other than my husband there but I understand people are different, but would she respect your wishes or not?
I'd say she was welcome to come 2-4 weeks after your due date, and if they're staying at your house then keep the length of visit to 2 weeks maximum, hopefully you'll be in a routine by then and more confident so you'll be able to ignore her criticisms and your husband will already have a bond with baby without feeling pushed out by your mum.

I remember after having our first baby it was SO hard, it really did hit us like a train and we lived in chaos for a while. However, we got through it together and we learnt together as a team. If other family were taking over I would be worried about partner being pushed out. In my opinion if you want a hands on dad it starts at day 1. I found on the times my mum did come round it annoyed me a but as she was quite vocal with "advice" and what I should be doing. Really you need to find your own way as this is how you will gain confidence in parenting.