Pregnant & don't know what to for the best

[Clover96]

Hi everyone, this is my first ever post here after spending a long time just popping onto MN to have a read, hope I'm doing this properly.

I'm not sure where to start but have nobody to really talk to about this in "real life".

I've just found out that I'm pregnant & as I'm typing this I feel nothing apart from anxiety, sadness, worry, and slight panic.
This wasn't a planned pregnancy but we haven't been as careful as we should've been, I honestly didn't think I would be able to conceive or at least not for some time. For some back story, I'm 29 now, and I've struggled with a severe alcohol addiction for effectively all of my 20s.

I'm now finally sober but do still have an upcoming gastroenterology appointment after all the abuse I put my body through, again I really didn't think I'd be able to conceive with how bad things were physically (and still aren't 100%, I was diagnosed with fatty liver when I left my detox in February which is reversible but I assume still recovering slowly but surely).

Now I don't have any worries about relapsing when pregnant but have other huge concerns. My partner is also an addiction - I know that sounds cliche but we met when he was in recovery, and it has never ever been a part of our relationship in the sense that we have ever sat and drank together if that makes sense. Unfortunately he has a cocaine addiction too, something I've never struggled with. We had a break in our relationship when he kicked me out last September, I stayed in temporary accommodation myself & later moved in with my family after hospital while waiting for a flat. He struggled a lot himself, more than I knew, eventually also moving back with his family who recently had enough and he moved back into his house alone. While I've been doing well, he's been struggling, leading to me moving back home with him to try ease how much he was using if nothing else. It's helped massively but he's still taken coke several times when I've been here, tried to hide it which obviously doesn't work. He still works full time too so on the "outside" things look okay.

I've been offered a council flat in a town I've always loved, it's taken 5 months to be ready. It's just a 1 bedroom flat but I'm so excited to start decorating from scratch this weekend & being able to make it my own home. The plan was he'd basically be staying with me full time.

I took the first two tests three days ago which were positive, then took a further three last night which were all positive.

When I tested three days ago, I didn't tell my partner which was hard but I half expected to test again and it be negative, unfortunately that was our last experience (early miscarriage). When I did get the first positive results I felt really happy, excited, a bit worried but okay.
Last night felt different, he'd taken cocaine again by the time I got home. The positive result just felt a bit sad, wrong, I feel guilty for not being more careful, not thinking about the timing, I don't know what to do.

I keep thinking about the flat too, is a one bedroom flat a silly idea to bring a baby into or would that be okay even if it's small, I know that's a stupid question but my heads a bit gone. I don't think that in itself would stop me. But should I realistically be thinking about other "options" considering the full circumstances?

I'm so sorry that this is so long. I've probably made myself and partner sound like horrible people on paper, I promise we're not! The addiction aside, we are so happy. Both of us separately have very supportive families.
I have always wanted children, wasnt sure it would happen, have always struggled since a traumatic miscarriage with my ex partner, but now I'm even more scared that the timing is not right and would be stupid of me.

I think the main thing you need to do is listen to your gut feeling - do you want this baby ? If you do then it’s absolutely possible to work round all the circumstances. It will likely be challenging and you will need support. If you are unsure you need to make an appointment to speak with your GP and possibly have counselling to go through your options

I think that I do, I'm also terribly indecisive and think too much about what others might think though.

It doesn't feel real at the moment either, like I keep going back and looking at the tests but it hasn't sunk in. Thank you so much for replying 💕

Honestly - it sounds as if you would be bringing a baby into an absolute shitstorm.

I appreciate your honesty, thank you.

Please don’t bring a baby into this mess.

You are minimalising the problem. There is no ‘addiction aside’ about it. That is a huge problem.

I wish you all the best @Clover96 whatever you decide.

Thank you.

Addiction aside was probably very naive / wishful wording of me, I know from my own experience how much it takes over absolutely everything.

Although some parents take to having kids really easily and I take my hat off to them, i have found it bloody hard.

I am married, own my own 3 bed house, have a good job, and had no health issues.

Pregnancy itself gave me ongoing health issues, both kids have been terrible sleepers to an extent is has nearly broken us, and one of my DC has needed surgery at age 1.

Parenting can throw all manner of unexpected shit at you and even those of us with relatively stable lives can struggle.

Thank you, I appreciate you sharing that, it gives a different perspective.

Hope you're doing okay, that sounds like a lot you've been through.

Honestly it sounds like you need to leave him, and live your life as a single Mum if that's something you can see as possible for you. Absolutely bring the baby to your new home, a 1 bed flat is big enough for two.

It would definitely be possible if the flat would be okay for the time being. I'm fortunate to have a small but supportive family, I wouldn't be too isolated.

I’d say that if you go ahead with it it’s probably best to take the flat and leave your partner unless he can properly commit to sobriety. A one bedroom flat should be fine for at least a few years. I would make sure you have a good support network and plans in place to remain sober and plans for who to reach out to if things aren’t going well. Many people struggle to remain sober with the added stress of raising a child and even one instance of relapsing could have very serious consequences for your baby. Best of luck to you and I hope everything goes well.

Thank you.
He's messaged me a bit whilst at work today saying that this time feels different, this is a push to get his act together, etc. Unfortunately I highly doubt that's going to be the reality & that he'll suddenly stop, I'm not trying to be unsupportive just realistic as I know he's said this before the day after, it's not as simple as that with addiction.

I definitely have a lot of ongoing support when it comes to my own struggles, this is the longest I've been sober for years but it's obviously very fragile so regardless of what I do decide I'll stay linked in with as much support as possible!

OP just because your situation isn’t perfect it doesn’t mean you need to terminate this pregnancy. It sounds to me that you want this baby, and have done an incredible amount of work on yourself, and your partner has a long way to go before he is ready: so i suggest moving into your new flat and starting life as a single mum while your partner gets clean. This baby could be your reward for getting clean and his reason to get clean. But even if he fails, I believe children are a blessing. And you have a stable home to offer your child, and a good support network. Which is a lot more than what many successful single parents have.

congratulations. Look to the future. This is life changing but in the best way xx

@amispeakingintongues thank you so much, I don't know why but your reply made me tear up a bit.
I think I do want this baby, I'm just terrified to let it sink in because everything is so messy. X

Whatever you choose it will be your choice. You'll have more support from midwives as well, you may have help from social services, when you go for your booking appointment you will have to declare both addictions, your past addiction and your partners current addiction.
This may seem scary when talking to your midwife about it and they may say we will have to refer you to social services, but dont be worried about this, its so you can have further support during and after pregnancy.

It sounds like you need to get rid of your partner as that situation is likely to spiral again as all your emotions and hormones are severely hightened during pregnancy. No matter what stage, this could cause a relapse.

Dont be concerned about talking to professionals, they will be able to help you during oregnancy and again after.

Good luck with whatever you choose, i think the 1 bed flat will help you so much to get back on your feet. Also i want to say well done to you! Sobriety is hard at the best of times, you've seem to have come a long way with it! X

If you choose to go ahead, then please dump your partner.

You sound very intelligent and well-measured. Good luck with whatever you decide.

@LER2023 thank you so much for replying. I knew I'd need to mention my own past addiction, I'd rather be honest, I know it won't be easy as I always feel really ashamed. It does scare me that I've only got sober this year too, I don't know if that's going to concern them more so?
I hadn't even thought about social services so appreciate you mentioning it - that's very daunting, do you have any idea what they'd be likely to do or would I just need to speak to a midwife about it and see what they say? I know they're there to help but as it would be my first child and I've never known anyone involved with social services, it's a scary thought! X

@tunacheesequesadilla thank you. I'm still very up and down with it all. We had a talk last night & he said himself he feels the only reason I'd not continue with it would be because of his current struggles. He's done rehab before and had a long time sober, he just doesn't seem quite there yet.

It's a hard one because I don't want to seem as judgemental when it's not long ago I was also in active addiction, however it's a completely different situation if there's a baby involved than it being just us. As I said to him he would never have let me around a baby had the tables been turned and I was drinking, so it'll have to be the same vise versa.

Don't know if that makes sense, I felt a bit more level headed last night but the over thinking is a lot worse this morning, sorry!

Absolutely the only way you can possibly make this work is if you call time on this relationship. If there is any "but" in your mind then you shouldn't bring an innocent child into this situation.

A 1 bedroom flat isn't an issue here - that would be fine for a single mother and 1 child.

If you decide not to continue with the pregnancy you should consider whether this relationship is in your best interests - it sounds as though you're putting his recovery ahead of your own.

He's messaged me a bit whilst at work today saying that this time feels different, this is a push to get his act together, etc.

Then let him demonstrate sustained sobriety

@Mulledjuice thank you, that all makes sense. That's quite similar to what my own parents think regarding the relationship, especially considering my partner did end it when I was in a horrendous place which I don't blame him for, however I'm maybe more of a pushover so would never have done it to him, hence coming back & being keen to support him getting sober again.

I'm still torn over will I be enough by myself (not that I'd ever stop him seeing a baby if we weren't together), if I've not been sober "long enough", but also really sad at the thought of terminating the pregnancy and then potentially being stuck in a loop / not really moving forward from where we are just now as he's not fully trying his best to say sober. He's said himself when the thoughts in his head, he isn't even trying to talk himself out of it right now. He's very impulsive (ADHD doesn't help) but he has put off talking to any professionals / old CA contacts.

Op you sound lovely but your posts are continuing to concern me tbh.

For example, you saying you wouldn’t stop your partner seeing your baby. He’s an addict who you said took cocaine just 2 nights ago. So i would absolutely not be allowing contact and i would think social services would have a concern about that.

What concerns have you thought of if you were to keep the baby and also keep your partner?

I believe it can cause all kinds of problems. A close friend of mine had a partner who had a weed habit and the kind of people this brought him in contact with resulted in her home being frequently burgled.

Having a baby is hard work with a supportive partner. Doing it solo is less hard work than doing it with a partner who is engaging in drug abuse. If you kep trying to support his sobriety you definitely will not have "enough" left for you or the baby.