Pregnant & don't know what to for the best

[Clover96]

Hi everyone, this is my first ever post here after spending a long time just popping onto MN to have a read, hope I'm doing this properly.

I'm not sure where to start but have nobody to really talk to about this in "real life".

I've just found out that I'm pregnant & as I'm typing this I feel nothing apart from anxiety, sadness, worry, and slight panic.
This wasn't a planned pregnancy but we haven't been as careful as we should've been, I honestly didn't think I would be able to conceive or at least not for some time. For some back story, I'm 29 now, and I've struggled with a severe alcohol addiction for effectively all of my 20s.

I'm now finally sober but do still have an upcoming gastroenterology appointment after all the abuse I put my body through, again I really didn't think I'd be able to conceive with how bad things were physically (and still aren't 100%, I was diagnosed with fatty liver when I left my detox in February which is reversible but I assume still recovering slowly but surely).

Now I don't have any worries about relapsing when pregnant but have other huge concerns. My partner is also an addiction - I know that sounds cliche but we met when he was in recovery, and it has never ever been a part of our relationship in the sense that we have ever sat and drank together if that makes sense. Unfortunately he has a cocaine addiction too, something I've never struggled with. We had a break in our relationship when he kicked me out last September, I stayed in temporary accommodation myself & later moved in with my family after hospital while waiting for a flat. He struggled a lot himself, more than I knew, eventually also moving back with his family who recently had enough and he moved back into his house alone. While I've been doing well, he's been struggling, leading to me moving back home with him to try ease how much he was using if nothing else. It's helped massively but he's still taken coke several times when I've been here, tried to hide it which obviously doesn't work. He still works full time too so on the "outside" things look okay.

I've been offered a council flat in a town I've always loved, it's taken 5 months to be ready. It's just a 1 bedroom flat but I'm so excited to start decorating from scratch this weekend & being able to make it my own home. The plan was he'd basically be staying with me full time.

I took the first two tests three days ago which were positive, then took a further three last night which were all positive.

When I tested three days ago, I didn't tell my partner which was hard but I half expected to test again and it be negative, unfortunately that was our last experience (early miscarriage). When I did get the first positive results I felt really happy, excited, a bit worried but okay.
Last night felt different, he'd taken cocaine again by the time I got home. The positive result just felt a bit sad, wrong, I feel guilty for not being more careful, not thinking about the timing, I don't know what to do.

I keep thinking about the flat too, is a one bedroom flat a silly idea to bring a baby into or would that be okay even if it's small, I know that's a stupid question but my heads a bit gone. I don't think that in itself would stop me. But should I realistically be thinking about other "options" considering the full circumstances?

I'm so sorry that this is so long. I've probably made myself and partner sound like horrible people on paper, I promise we're not! The addiction aside, we are so happy. Both of us separately have very supportive families.
I have always wanted children, wasnt sure it would happen, have always struggled since a traumatic miscarriage with my ex partner, but now I'm even more scared that the timing is not right and would be stupid of me.

Please don’t have a baby with a drug addict.

If you want to continue with the pregnancy, then your priority going forward is your unborn child. Bringing a child into a household where one is a drug addict, whilst you are a recovering alcoholic, is a massive NO. If you want this baby, then you have to do what's right, and that means ending your relationship with the Father. That may sound harsh, but it's the reality of being an adult who will be responsible for a baby. I'm not suggesting the Father can't be involved, but supervised access only, until such a time, he chooses his child over drugs. If that's not possible then that's his loss and a consequence of the decisions he's making. Living in a 1 bedroomed flat, would be perfectly fine in the short-term, and in time you could apply for a 2-bedroomed property. Good luck with whatever you decide ♥️

@Iocainepowder You're right, that sounds extremely irresponsible of me even typing that. I suppose I meant I wouldn't completely cut him out of his child's life permanently / completely especially if he manages to get & stay sober in the future. I'd take the flat for myself and baby if things went okay , he has his own house but any visits would need to be at my flat supervised / out in public etc down the line.

I'm sorry your friend went through that, I know how easily people with drug habits can end up falling in with the wrong crowd. He doesn't have any friends or contacts he ever socialises with in that sense, it's a very private habit, he'd be at risk of losing his job if anyone found out so thankfully anyone he's bought it from doesn't know the address (not that I'm staying here much longer anyway and he already knows I was never giving him keys to my flat).

As for concerns that I'd have, I suppose being honest with myself there's point blank no way I'd allow him or anyone around a baby while still using. There's obviously all the other things like lack of trust, money etc that come with it but to be honest I've kept my money very separate intentionally so I don't think that's the biggest thing.

@Sassylovesbooks thank you, yes a baby would 100% take priority. I know it's one thing if I've prioritised him over myself, that's different when it's my choice and I'm an adult.

That's what I had meant by not cutting him out completely, you've worded it a lot better than how I typed it which was rambling nonsense and sounded very irresponsible!