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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Pregnant after ONS, unsure what to do?! Advice please

30 replies

Rubyyy91 · 11/09/2025 20:50

Not long ago I slept with a guy I have known of for a while and have just found out I am pregnant. I am well aware I should’ve taken precautions and feeling very fragile so please no lectures on that front. I am 34 and have no children, I do want children but have kind of pushed it out of my mind that it will happen for me because it’s so hard to meet someone these days, and have no interest in dating, think I am too traumatised from past relationships. I have only told a few close people and they have been very supportive, my mum in particular is encouraging me to keep it. I am very worried at the prospect of being a single mum, and how I will manage financially. I work for the NHS and have a mortgage and drive so feel as thought I’d be in a good position practically. I had an abortion last year and has been very hard emotionally since, however it was the right choice given the circumstances I was in at that time. I am so confused and conflicted what to do for the best. I haven’t told the guy yet and if I did decide to keep it I am in the mindset I would be a single mum with no financial support. I am worried if I have a termination I will regret again and what if I never meet someone again to potentially have a baby with, or if I go ahead with the pregnancy am I robbing myself the chance to have the “set up” I would love- meeting someone, planning a pregnancy together etc. I have had a consultation and counselling session with BPAS and the thought of abortion again makes me feel sick. But the thought of people’s judgment, and possibly struggling alone with a baby doesn’t make me feel much better. Has anyone else been in this situation? Any advice from single mums? Sorry for the long post, my head has been all over the place since I found out nearly 2 weeks ago.

OP posts:
mumofsixfluffs · 11/09/2025 20:54

Even if you found the setup you desire whose not to stay you part and eventually end up a lone parent, I detest the term single parent. Don’t let this be the deciding factor

RaininSummer · 11/09/2025 21:35

If you do really want children then this may be your chance . Ar least you have the support of your Mum, as somebody above said, many children do end up in single parent households in any case.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/09/2025 21:39

Is the father a god man? Not a nice guy, a good man? Because regardless, he has a huge bearing on how good or bad this could be.

If he is a good man, do you want a baby? Not ‘don’t want to have an abortion’ but actively want a baby?

If so, congratulations.

McGregor33 · 11/09/2025 23:59

My youngest wasn’t planned, me and her dad were ‘seeing’ each other and I had birth control in place. He didn’t want any involvement whatsoever and still doesn’t. He will walk away anytime he encounters us etc.

It’s hard going but I’ll never regret her and I say that as someone who was finished having kids and as such had over a decade gap!

ZZTopGuitarSolo · 12/09/2025 00:05

If he decides he wants an equal involvement in raising this child then how will you feel?

A child potentially ties you to someone for life.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/09/2025 00:13

Will you ever want to move areas as her father can prevent you doing that or from taking back abroad

GrimDamnFanjo · 12/09/2025 00:33

Do you want to be a mother? If you don’t ever have a child will that be a big regret for you?

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 12/09/2025 00:35

I agree about the reality of being linked to this chap forever, but if I were you, I'd have the baby. Who would judge you for being a single mum? It's not the bloody 50s.

I know people who arranged to get pregnant in their 30s because they were worried about fertility, so you could always say that.

Original poster
Rubyyy91 · 12/09/2025 06:54

Thanks for all the replies, it definitely helps with other people’s insights! I do want a baby and to become a mum, which sounds absolutely crazy I was considering termination, I was just doubting if this is the right decision in this situation. I have been really stressed thinking about his possible reaction but I know I need to put on my big girl pants and speak to him and be ready for any reaction though am not expecting a good one. I was really excited after the positive test, and the initial shock wore off. Hoping to dare reach out to him today and let him know!

OP posts:
AnotherVice · 12/09/2025 07:26

I definitely wouldn’t choose to be tied to this man for life. He won’t be happy about the situation. And if he does want 50:50 custody, which he could in theory be granted in court, you will be battling him on everything for the next two decades. He will likely marry and have a ‘proper’ family with someone else. Imagine a Christmas where your child is either missing out, or is with Dad’s new family and you’re home alone. I think people saying go ahead are being selfish not considering the child here. Don’t get caught up in thinking about ‘a baby’, they are not a baby for long.

SinicalMe · 12/09/2025 07:36

AnotherVice · 12/09/2025 07:26

I definitely wouldn’t choose to be tied to this man for life. He won’t be happy about the situation. And if he does want 50:50 custody, which he could in theory be granted in court, you will be battling him on everything for the next two decades. He will likely marry and have a ‘proper’ family with someone else. Imagine a Christmas where your child is either missing out, or is with Dad’s new family and you’re home alone. I think people saying go ahead are being selfish not considering the child here. Don’t get caught up in thinking about ‘a baby’, they are not a baby for long.

This in droves.

think about the child not the baby. How would the child feel if their dad doesn’t want anything to do with them and he has his own family. Many children experience trauma because they’ve been abandoned by a parent.

Always think about the child in these situations and not you.

Also will I, the tax payer, be funding your mishap?

FirstFallopians · 12/09/2025 08:00

SinicalMe · 12/09/2025 07:36

This in droves.

think about the child not the baby. How would the child feel if their dad doesn’t want anything to do with them and he has his own family. Many children experience trauma because they’ve been abandoned by a parent.

Always think about the child in these situations and not you.

Also will I, the tax payer, be funding your mishap?

Show quote history

I’m in agreement here. It might be easy for you, the adult in control, to dismiss the impact of not having an involved father. But the baby will grow into a young child who will have their own feelings about not having a dad.

My son came home from school this week telling me about a new friend he made. This little boy had told him how he lived with his mum but his dad “wasn’t ready to be a daddy”, how he had left them when he was a baby and how he felt sad that his dad didn’t want him. They’re six years old and this obviously weighed very heavily on him.

Yes, you could always plan a pregnancy in a serious, long term relationship and the father could decide later that he’s actually a bit of a shit and leave, never to be seen again. But that’s not your situation- if he doesn’t want to be involved at this early stage, you need to be really honest with yourself about how the choices you make now will impact any child as they grow up.

Anchorage56 · 12/09/2025 08:06

You still haven't described the father. What is he like? This will be his child too and you dont know whether he would want to be an active part of the child's life or not.

Tunacheesequesadilla · 12/09/2025 08:07

SinicalMe · 12/09/2025 07:36

This in droves.

think about the child not the baby. How would the child feel if their dad doesn’t want anything to do with them and he has his own family. Many children experience trauma because they’ve been abandoned by a parent.

Always think about the child in these situations and not you.

Also will I, the tax payer, be funding your mishap?

Show quote history

Why would you be funding her "mishap", when the OP has a job and a house?

TheGoddessFrigg · 12/09/2025 08:09

You're 34. Have the baby. The father doesn't have to be on the birth certificate.

fatphalange · 12/09/2025 08:57

If your age and one day wanting a child are the motivating factors in continuing with the pregnancy, I would be planning a termination I think. You’re 34, not 44. There is so much time to line up the circumstances you want in life and in which to bring a baby into the world.
I’m a single mother and like PPs have pointed out, the baby and toddler phase goes quickly and navigating things become much more complicated later on.

rainbowstardrops · 12/09/2025 09:25

From what you’ve said here, I think you would regret another abortion. You’re lucky that you have your mum as a supporter.

HappyHedgehog247 · 12/09/2025 09:32

You sound like you would like the baby!
The father's initial reaction, whatever it is, May change. As you said yourself, it was a shock at first.
By yourself, I would go through your worries one by one eg finances, judgment of others and think about them rationally.
I wonder also if some therapy might be helpful for you? You've had two unplanned pregnancies, an abortion and now (probably) becoming a lone parent- that's a lot.

Helplessandheartbroke · 12/09/2025 09:32

Sounds like you want the baby op so have the baby. The father could have taken precautions too if he didn't want to father a child. You sound like you have a good support network and stable lifestyle but he may surprise you and want to help out too

Begaydocrime94 · 12/09/2025 09:53

SinicalMe · 12/09/2025 07:36

This in droves.

think about the child not the baby. How would the child feel if their dad doesn’t want anything to do with them and he has his own family. Many children experience trauma because they’ve been abandoned by a parent.

Always think about the child in these situations and not you.

Also will I, the tax payer, be funding your mishap?

Show quote history

so if you became disabled, and needed support to survive, how would you feel if someone turned round and said will I be funding your mishap?

Anchorage56 · 12/09/2025 10:11

Begaydocrime94 · 12/09/2025 09:53

so if you became disabled, and needed support to survive, how would you feel if someone turned round and said will I be funding your mishap?

Show quote history

I dont agree with the funding comment but having unprotected sex with a ONS knowing a life could be created is different from finding yourself disabled in the future.

jolies1 · 12/09/2025 10:21

Honestly I would speak to the father before making any final choices.

I would think about calling him first.
Tell him you’re pregnant, it’s obviously a shock, however you’re 34 and as such are considering continuing with the pregnancy, but want to discuss with him.

Ask him to have a think for a few days and then would he meet you for a coffee or a walk to chat about things and how involved he would wish to be should you continue with the pregnancy. End the call - allow him to have some space to react / panic.

He may be happy to pay child support and have limited access or he may wish to step up as a father & share custody. If you decide to continue you’ll also need to have an honest conversation about how things would work should either of you get into a serious relationship or have other children.

Sdpbody · 12/09/2025 10:50

I would strongly encourage an abortion.

Sdpbody · 12/09/2025 10:56

And then go on the coil and stop getting pregnant so haphazardly.

Happyapplesanspears · 12/09/2025 11:08

How did you feel when you fell pregnant last time compared to this time? Did you have doubts about an abortion last time like you do this time? Did you know there was a risk that you may get pregnant this time, perhaps wanting to get pregnant?

Given you had regrets last time take your time in making a decision.

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