Did anyone spend years trying and then it happened when they just relaxed or is that a complete myth?

[CheshireMum1212]

Any stories of falling pregnant when stopped trying completely?

Happened to someone I know and she also had a number of failed IVF treatments. Her and husband had given up and accepted a baby wouldn’t happen for them…they have a lovely son now.

I have known a few people who have had second babies naturally after ivf for their first.

Two and a bit years trying for our second (and tried for a year for our first). Went on holiday. Decided that we were going to get on with our lives without the monthly pressure (and the affect that would have on long term plans), and start using contraception again when we got home. He’s 9 now.

I hate hate hate the “relax and it will happen” thing because it doesn’t work for everybody. I didn’t even fill more relaxed that month than another. But it did work for me.

dont be too relaxed two years later as your surprise third baby will completely throw things upside down

A good friend of mine got pregnant (after two years of trying) after switching to “pre-seed” lubricant. Apparently it helps the sperm mobility?

One other couple that had a baby at 41 (after 20 years of no birth control and adopting a little boy).

I don’t particularly like the concept but I fell pregnant when I’d “given up” so to speak. I was heading into fertility treatment after trying unsuccessfully for a long while and told by the specialist it would never happen naturally. I have severe PCOS so I didn’t realise I was pregnant for a while due to irregular periods.

I’ve heard a lot of anecdotal stories of people in similar situations.

edit: I forgot to say the only thing I changed was taking Omega3. I also suggested it to two friends in the same boat who had been trying for years and they fell pregnant soon after too. It’s probably coincidence but it’s the only thing that’s can think of that may have had an impact apart from “relaxing”

A good friend had 2 ivf babies, and 2 years later got pregnant unexpectedly as they had assumed they were infertile!! I think sometimes an ivf baby gets the body used to pregnancy and birth and then nature remembers how to do it itself perhaps

I know a woman who tried for 4 years to have DC, had IVF which resulted in twins, then when the twins were 11 months old found out she was pregnant again. She's now got 5 DC - all conceived naturally after the twins, and with the same partner too.

Yes, it happened to me. Three years of trying, including one failed round of IVF, with never a sniff of pregnancy. We were gearing up for another round and so had given up properly trying. Had sex once the month I fell pregnant.

Didn’t for me unfortunately. Tried for 5 years. Had 4 rounds of IVF. 4 miscarriages. Haven’t been trying for 2 years and now I’m too old anyway (44 now so incredibly unlikely to be a natural miracle).

I think a lot of stories will be dependant on how old they are when they start trying and also if they’ve had kids before. I know lots of people who conceived a second or third naturally after taking years/IVF to get the first. For whatever reason it seems that after having one it gets easier to conceive subsequent babies. (Obviously not for everyone but it is definitely something I hear a LOT).

Neighbours of ours adopted, after not being to have children (pre ivf days). A few years later became pregnant naturally.

Happened to my friend. She spent almost 20 years trying to get pregnant, including multiple failed attempts at IVF. Her sister offered to be a surrogate but in the end, she and her husband decided to give up and go on a holiday of a lifetime.

After the holiday, she then started the menopause early, or so she thought. She had many annoying symptoms so she went to the GP...... turned out she was 16 weeks pregnant!!!! The baby is now working as a teacher!

Yes, I know of 2 couples like this
Both fell pregnant in their 40s, naturally, after years of trying, including ivf, then giving up.

I did 7 rounds of IVF to no avail. I was beginning to accept it wasn’t going to happen. Fell pregnant naturally when I’d just turned 44 and have a beautiful daughter now.
Took a multitude of different supplements and potions and have a theory as to what might have done it but there’s no way to really know.

I havent been trying for so many years, we had 3 miscarriages so knew i could get pregnant just could keep the baby.
I got pregnant pretty much every 6 months, which was ok until every loss happened, both of us was taking supplements for fertility just OTC ones. Which is put down to why i possibly wasnt ready to carry as it was practically forced (not saying this is for everyone and it could have just been a coincidence for us. After our last miscarriage we was trying so hard for a baby and when the 6 month mark came and it didnt happen, it broke me completely and we was looking at options, we was going to ask fertility specialist whether there was something wrong with me or whether something was wrong with his sperm as yes we can get pregnant but we cant keep hold of it after 6 weeks. We also looking at adoption as we both were aching for a child. We wanted to share our love with another little person, and give them a good start to life the best we ever could. I was referred to the recurrent miscarriage clinic in which they told me to 'stop trying' and i broke down and said im almost 30 (not a massive thing to others as people do have their first mid to late thirties and even later! But i had the plan that i wanted my first by the time i was 25. Of course that didnt happen) i cant wait any longer to try and have one! My OH is 6 years older than me and said when he hits 40 hes not going to bother with children as he doesnt want to be retired by the time theyre in their 20's.
They told me i didnt have a choice and that they wanted to do some further tests that can take up to a year and a half.
I was absolutely heartbroke, we'd already stopped 'trying' by the 6 month mark and just said you know what if it happens it happens if not then we'll look at other options lets just get the miscarriage clinic out of the way.
I had my first consultation and everything was on track for testing. I had my first lot of bloods taken and was told on the first day of my next period i need to make sure to go have some dye in my uterus to get things rolling and see if theres any blockages anywhere that can cause a faulty egg/faulty sperm getting caught and not developing correctly.
After what felt like the longest 11 months after my last miscarriage and a week after my first appointment, we found iut we was pregnant, it was a shock as we wasnt actively trying, we just did a see what happens thing.
Im now 30 weeks pregnant with my rainbow boy and couldnt be more happy.

I think to be honest if you're not constantly putting pressure on yourself to conceive, and not following when you ovulated and being obsessed by ovulation and taking a deep breath it will happen.
I didnt use supplements again, i didnt change my lifestyle, i still had a weekly binge of alcohol after a long week, i used to have a blow out friday with a bottle of wine and some cans of cider🤣 (just for enjoyment not for dependency)

Again im aware my story isnt as hard as others where they have been trying 20+ years but any time wanting a child and it not happening is difficult.

So yes i agree if you dont think about trying it can happen, live stress free. If you need fertility treatment to help then go for it, every little helps!! Good luck

My sister tried for 7 years to get pregnant. She had every test available at the time for both her and her husband. No reason for their infertility was found. She was made redundant from her high pressured job and within 3 months was pregnant with their beautiful son.

I did.
Eight long years of disappointment and I finally gave up decided we would just go on Holiday and enjoy our money/be the fun auntie who spoils well on said holiday a special little souvenir who is currently lay eating her breakfast before pre school getting my black work trousers dirty.

Yes an no.
Yes lots of stories of people getting pregnant after IVF those are the happy tales you hear about.
You don't think about the lots of couples never get pregnant naturally.

Or the couples who are lucky and hit the jackpot first time round but have secondary infertility and struggle to get second or third children.

Nobody is that stressed when they start TTC so it can't just be stress or relaxing.

Me. Over 2 years, nothing. I made an appointment with my GP to get the ball rolling on some tests, which then seemed to lift a weight from us. Next cycle, positive test! GP said that happens a lot when I told her.

I also know 2 people that after lots of rounds of IVF they had their first then conceived their second naturally quite soon after their first.

My sister.
She had many years of trying, many rounds of ivf treatment over several years.
She was on a break while she moved to a completely different country, and spontaneously had a healthy pregnancy resulting in my nephew

Whilst she was obviously delighted, she immediately was concerned that she would be used as a relax and it will happen story.

She had many gaps before but I guess someone gets to be the 1 in 100000

Its a wellhated slogan in my house as it was frequently said to my brother who lacks sperm. As if relaxing would alter his plumbing

I know sompne who had 16 years of unexplained infertility. Then had 2 daughters

I also know someone who had secondary infertility and it never happened for them.

I dont think its as sinple as "just relax"

Happened for us. Had one dc naturally. Tried for over 7 uears with multiple losses and ectopics. We were diagnosed with secondary unexplained infertility.

We weren't candidates for ivf due to previous history.

Gave up and at 39 had our second dc. Completely knocked us for a loop. We'd moved on mentally and physically. It is the biggest mind fuck of my life.

Yes- exactly this happened to us. Years if trying, many heartbreaking losses. Completely gave up at a point as it felt hopeless & was destroying me.
18 months later, was on conraception but couldn’t figure out why I was so utterly exhausted. Then one morning the taste and smell of coffee repulsed me and just thought “I wonder if…”
DC was born 9 months later & is now 11 and my love of coffee returned!
There is always hope! I don’t think it was a case of “relaxing”, we just tuned out from any idea or hope of babies, reflecting now I think I needed that time to recover & pause-the losses took a lot out of me.
Wishing you all the hope, strength & success OP. X

It happens but it's a lot rarer than you'd think as you mostly only hear about the times when it appears to work. Relaxing has very little to do with it (though chronic stress can reduce your fertility), it's mostly just time and luck.

Yes! We had been trying ever since we lost a baby in November 2023, we had just been for a fertility appointment in June and decided to go down the IVF route mainly due to my age (39), didn't want to waste more years trying. I don't know if that made me relax but I must have got pregnant around the time of the appointment as I found out two weeks later!!

This exactly
You hear the success stories not the people who remained childless or only had their adopted children.

"Just relax" is a myth built on the foundation of science and positive bias.

Science – studies have shown that people with high cortisole and all the annoying stuff that tends to go along with stress tend to be less likely to fall pregnant, but there's zero nuance in the way that data is presented outside of the original study papers. Articles that report on these studies, for one example, don't usually go into detail about how/whether the fertility-reducing factors are confirmed as being created by stress (there can be other factors, e.g. dietary, lifestyle, underlying health conditions).

Positive bias – stories of people who fell pregnant after they claim* they stopped trying (the implication being that this relaxed them) can make the myth seem more believable. This is called positivity bias, which is when people are more likely to report a positive outcome than a negative one, which doesn't actually tell you which is more frequent.

I personally don't like the phrase, not just because I believe it's wrong, but also because it suggests to me that infertility is the fault of the people suffering it and that they personally have control over it, which is almost never the case. I get wanting to feel like it's controllable because things out of our control are scary, but perpetuating the belief that people just need to relax to fall pregnant is ultimately harmful.

*Unless someone was using protection and it failed, I consider that they were still trying because using/not using contraception is a choice. I appreciate that wording is nuanced and individual but I think clarity is important here.

To end of a positive note, it is absolutely possible for couples to fall pregnant naturally after years of infertility. It's just not guaranteed (and it won't be because they 'just relaxed').