What to expect with newborn at wedding

[LoveaCaramelLatte]

My due date for my first child is two days after one of my best friends weddings where I've been asked to be a bridesmaid. The wedding is child free.

As long as I am physically able to I would like to go to this wedding even if only for an hour but ideally longer to support my friend.

I would like to have a conversation with my friend about what to expect if I've had the baby and feel I can come to the wedding (I'm aware I may not want or be able to go if a recent birth).

From what I've read it's going to be very hard to be separated from the baby especially as I will hopefully be exclusively breastfeeding. We're hoping my mother in law can have the baby nearby during the ceremony and then want to discuss us having the baby with us for the rest of the time we are there. I've already suggested this to my friend and she seems open to the idea.

I want to fully prepare my friend so she can make an informed decision about whether we should attend if we've had the baby. So I'd like to ask for some advice about what this wedding would look like with a newborn so I can explain this to my friend. Things like how often they need to be fed, separation at that point etc.

You may or may not be there as a guest but can't possibly have any bridesmaid duties

I can understand you still wanting to support your friend and you seem like you love your friend a lot!
This is what I would do:
I would speak to my friend about the likely hood of me being heavily pregnant or newly postpartum. I would probably pull out of being bridesmaid especially if bride is paying for the dress make up etc. I wouldn’t want her to spend money on me if I wasn’t able to be there. If bride insisted she didn’t mind I would accept still being a bridesmaid but at least she knew how I was feeling and that I might not attend. I would make that clear. I might now know until the day of the wedding if I can come or not.

You will find your newborn sleeps a lot at the beginning, maybe you could BF, and whilst baby is sleeping you could pop into see your friend for a while.

I know I wouldn’t have been able to do it, (c sections and first baby in nicu for a little while) but I know woman who are up and looking after toddlers or doing the school run a day after birth!

Thanks everyone again for the replies. I was not expecting so many.

I'm definitely going to ask my friend more about what she's expecting in terms of bridesmaid duties. I don't think she's expecting much on the day but I will check! I've already offered to back down as a bridesmaid but she said no. I'll have more of a chat with her about what this will realistically look like and suggest it again. Either way I'm happy to be involved in wedding planning and hen do organisation prior to the wedding it's just the actual day that might be a no.

A few of you suggested recording a video which is a lovely idea and I'll do that in advance. If I can't go I might see if we can organise a video call as well in the morning while she's getting ready if that is something she wants.

We're currently having a bit of a stand off about who is paying for the dress, it's not been purchased yet so still time to back out. But whatever happens we were intending to gift them enough money to cover any expenses that have been incurred by us, especially if we aren't able to go.

Venue is around 50 minutes from where we live and the hospital so I think it's doable. If it had been much further I wouldn't risk it.

I might suggest if I've had the baby I pop in while she's getting ready in the morning if it's something she wants. That way I can sit down (and look like crap) see her for a little while and then not impact the rest of the day. There is only one other bridesmaid and the bride doesn't have siblings so she might want the company. It's also going to be a very emotional day for her (beyond the expected) for reasons I'm not going into so it's very important to me that I try to be there/ be available if I am able to be. If it were anyone else's wedding I wouldn't be going to this effort.

But I will take her lead on what she wants and try to be more realistic about the fact that I will probably not be able to go or if I can it will be very limited time.

I think for the dress, which you say hasn’t been bought yet, you need to maybe scrap the idea of being in a bridesmaid dress of her choosing. You might still be heavily pregnant, you might need it to be breastfeeding friendly, if you’ve given birth a few weeks before you might need a smaller dress (I did nothing to make this happen but I fit back into my pre-pregnancy clothes straight away). I’m not sure how you can buy a bridesmaid dress for the various possibilities of what you’ll need.

If you don’t pull out of being a bridesmaid, I think you need to make sure you have no specific responsibilities eg bringing anything to the venue. You might be in labour and physical unable to get things there, and unable to send your DH just to drop something off.

I would back out of being a bridesmaid right now OP. Honestly you have no idea at this point how the rest of your pregnancy is going to go. And what dress you will fit into if you have not given birth by then.

This is not really down to the bride as of course she still wants you to be bm, but this decision is yours.

What about just going as a guest, and offering to help with any pre-wedding arrangements IF you are able to. So then you are not tied to this if you are not feeling up to it.

Don't under-estimate what giving birth is like for your first. It is all brand new territory for you, your body, your emotions, etc etc. With my first I never left the house for the first two weeks, my second I was at a family do three days after. But only because I felt up to going, there was no pressure on me at all.

I know it is your friends wedding, but I think if this was me and I know what I know now, I would back out.

We're currently having a bit of a stand off about who is paying for the dress, it's not been purchased yet so still time to back out.

There is a high chance you won’t be at the wedding, it would be unfair to expect your friend to fund your dress considering this unless she won’t let you pull out of bridesmaid duties. I would simply say that it would be best to be a guest so that both of you don’t have to buy a dress that you will most likely not wear. If she’s adamant you must be a bridemaids, she should fund your dress

50 minutes is a really long drive if you are in labour or less than a week old. I know a lot of people don't have a choice on being this distance from hospital but if I had been 50 minutes from hospital I would have given birth at the side of the road. I'm currently 25-45 minutes from hospital depending on traffic and that's enough to make me nervous!

So you'll either be in very late pregnancy - you won't want to go in all liklihood.
Or in labour- well, obviously not going.
Or very recently given birth - if you're lucky you'll feel you can stagger to the toilet, possibly drink a cup of tea without losing the plot.

I'd say there's about a 2% chance of you being totally up for this wedding. And once you're at that point you'll look back and wonder what on earth you were thinking. You seem to be putting a lot of effort into covering all bases, except the most likely one: not only will you not be able to go, you won't even want to think about it.
Honestly I think you're pretty much flogging a dead horse @LoveaCaramelLatte . With all the best of intentions obviously. But try and cut yourself and the whole situation some slack: the timing's wrong, all the talking and juggling in the world can't change it.

Good luck with your pregnancy and the birth and the baby. 💕

I think like other posters have said that you are being a kind friend but you need to set the expectation that you probably won't be able to go. Then if you can it will be nice. It's much better that way then having a lot of stress for both of you at important moments in your lives.

Can you do something really nice a month before like a spa day or something with her?

I’m very much a ‘get on with it person’, but I think you 100% need to bow out of bridesmaid duties. You’re either going to be heavily pregnant or have a very new baby. I wouldnt be buying a bridesmaid dress for sure.

My sil attended a wedding 5 days after a C-section. She lasted about 5 hours. I do not know how she did it.
i was due 10 days before sils wedding plan was to attend with baby but I was still pregnant ( booked in for inducement on day 12) on the day. Went into labour in the church it was very sudden so rushed to hospital and dd was born 20 min after arriving.

You sound like a lovely dedicated friend so I can see why your friend wants you there and wants you to be a bridesmaid; but don’t be a walkover to your own detriment trying to just please your friend because it’s her wedding day- it is also about the birth of your child and your personal well-being; which having had babies and having had a wedding is (in my opinion!) more important. Instead of discussing with your friend and her not letting you not be a bridesmaid (although on one level that sound nice) it’s actually not kind of her and she should be putting as much effort into your life event as you are putting into hers.
She should ideally sau whilst you are my best friend and I consider my wedding the biggest day of my life; the birth of your child is also the most important day of your life and so as much as I would love to have you attend (in any capacity that makes it as easy as possible for you) I understand that you probably won’t be able to come at all, and that’s ok so please don’t feel remotely guilty about it!
Dont look back and regret being so much of a people pleaser that you put yourself and your babies well-being dead last. You don’t get that time back once it’s gone.