What to expect with newborn at wedding

[LoveaCaramelLatte]

My due date for my first child is two days after one of my best friends weddings where I've been asked to be a bridesmaid. The wedding is child free.

As long as I am physically able to I would like to go to this wedding even if only for an hour but ideally longer to support my friend.

I would like to have a conversation with my friend about what to expect if I've had the baby and feel I can come to the wedding (I'm aware I may not want or be able to go if a recent birth).

From what I've read it's going to be very hard to be separated from the baby especially as I will hopefully be exclusively breastfeeding. We're hoping my mother in law can have the baby nearby during the ceremony and then want to discuss us having the baby with us for the rest of the time we are there. I've already suggested this to my friend and she seems open to the idea.

I want to fully prepare my friend so she can make an informed decision about whether we should attend if we've had the baby. So I'd like to ask for some advice about what this wedding would look like with a newborn so I can explain this to my friend. Things like how often they need to be fed, separation at that point etc.

We drove to Disneyland Paris 6 weeks after I gave birth (vaginal delivery, grade 2 tear that was stitched) which people thought was wild. It worked out fine so it definitely could you attending the wedding, but I personally wouldnt be holding the space. Sadly when you have children there are some instances you just can’t make everything work and this would be one for me. Your friend could save the money on your spot, not spend the lead up wondering whether you’ll make it etc. And it would probably take a bit of pressure off you too. Your baby could sleep the whole time or they could cry the whole time and anything in between, it’s so unpredictable until they’re born!

Even if you feel like it you could be waiting in for mid wife or taking baby in for a hearing test or any of the other things in the post partum period you have to do.

Best case scenario is baby isn't here yet (in which case hospital bag in the car!)

Honestly, you'll have no idea how you'll feel until the day.

I went to a wedding when one of mine was 4 days old, but the bride was the type who said "come if you can, be it all day or for twenty minutes, I'd rather pay for you so you can come than guarantee you are not coming" and she genuinely meant it. However, of the five times I've given birth that's the only time I could have done that. Two before and two after I couldn't have gone at all. Twice because I was still in hospital having given birth and twice because I was still pregnant and wasn't up to weddings at that stage.

You need to speak to your friend and tell her she needs to have a really, really good think about your situation. Will she genuinely be ok on the day if one of her bridesmaids has to bail? Would she be upset if you can't make it last minute? Would she be less upset if you were a guest and couldn't make it?
The costs of a guest aren't cheap and costs of a bridesmaid even less so - is she actually 100% ok with those being a massive gamble?

First babies are often late so it's likely you won't have had the baby yet. Is the wedding reasonably close to your hospital? You may or may not feel up to going- I would have been fine at that stage but it's really the luck of the draw.

If the baby is already here then I think it unlikely that you will want to go. I wasn't in a physical state to do anything like that after DS. After DD I would have been physically fine but it would just have seemed a completely mad thing to do, like suddenly finding myself in a WW1 trench or wingwalking on a biplane. Maybe sitting at the back during the ceremony with my baby somewhere near and then immediately leaving would have been doable- massive headfuck though, like dipping into a past life.

Play it by ear and make sure the bride knows you may be a no-show.

I went to a wedding on day 3 with one of mine. I had had a section though and DH just kept her outside for the ceremony then she got passed around a bit at the reception.

1st dd no way! I was still in hospital.
so it’s very variable. I wouldn’t want the pressure of bridesmaid duties even if I felt able to go though

Everyone has a different pregnancy and birth. We can all tell our stories but what you experience will be different.
My first birth was an absolute s**t show if I am honest!
Induced 2 weeks earlier with pre-eclampsia as an emergency as it had basically been ignored for the previous 6 weeks by my community midwife.
Induction was quick resulting in an episotomy, no pain relief, multiple stitches, blood pressure crash, crash team being called in and waking up to several healthcare professionals staring at me.
Then had a big haemorrhage, again waking up to the crash team and a blood transfusion in my arm.
Luckily they discharged me 24 hours later but the bleeding was insane.
I was sweating buckets.
My milk didnt come in.
Babys latch was awful so she wasnt feeding and was losing weight.
I was a sleep deprived wreck.

There was no way in hell i could even leave the house, let alone go to a wedding. It took all my energy to even go back to the hospital after a severe bleed at home.

I would personally speak to your friend and just explain that you have no idea what will happen. Baby could be early or late.
Natural or section.
Stitches or none.
Anything could happen so best plan for it now with a view to going if all is ok, but potentially not being there.

I hope all goes well though and you do get to be involved however you can.

Are you still bridesmaiding??

If so expect it to be difficult

If not, expect it to be not with it

Completely mad is right! I remember about a week post birth my husband put an episode of MasterChef on and it was so jarring it made me feel queasy. Like why on earth is this programme intruding on my ears and eyes when I've got a newborn to look after??
I was just in a completed altered state for a few weeks.

I don’t think I’d want to attend a wedding with a newborn at all good friend or otherwise, all those bodies in one place everyone wanting to coo and touch so much risk of illness. You’re going to feel very vulnerable and if anything like me about as attractive as a highland cow.

Honestly, both you and your friend are being completely unrealistic about what to expect from you, either at 9 months pregnant or newly postpartum. If the baby hasn't been born yet, you will probably be feeling huge and knackered and not up to bridesmaid's duties. How far away is the wedding? Does it mean potentially going into labour when you're nowhere near the hospital?

If you are newly postpartum then you will most likely be a mess, with vaginal bleeding, huge pads, swollen and sore boobs, and feeling like a zombie from sleep deprivation. Being separated from your baby even for a short period of time is a hard no.

I would step back from being a bridesmaid and just say that if you haven't had the baby yet and you're feeling up to it, you'll come as a regular guest, and if you have had the baby already and you're feeling up to it, you'll come with your baby or not at all.

I went to a wedding reception 3 days past my due date, we didn't stay too long as my ankles and legs were swollen and I was struggling a bit, but was glad we went. Post partum I was MOH at my best friend's wedding when DD was six weeks old, I was breastfeeding, still bleeding and sleep wasn't the best, but she was very supportive and just wanted to make sure we were comfortable, managed the ceremony with DH walking her around the grounds in her pram whilst it was happening and I just fed when I needed to. I couldn't have done it 3 days post partum, straightforward births, but I was sore, bleeding and wanted to be in comfy clothes and grabbing sleep when I could.

I was a bridesmaid at a close friend’s wedding when DS was four weeks old (actually a day under). I was so chuffed that I fit in the dress!

DH came with me (he was invited anyway) and kept DS during the ceremony; luckily, DS would take a bottle of expressed milk at that time so he was able to keep him quiet. At the reception, DS was quite happy to be passed around and basically slept for the entire time because he was so exhausted by the noise and stimulation of all those people. The only slight faff was breastfeeding, which I had to do on an office chair in the disabled toilets, because I had to take my dress down to my waist to free my boobs 😂

(I had a c section and would have been okay to do all this from about two weeks post-partum. Definitely not after two days! That said, a friend had an ‘easy’ vaginal birth and came to another friend’s wedding with a six day old, but she only came to the ceremony and about an hour of the drinks reception, then - quite understandably - went home.

In terms of feeling 'up to it', I could have gone along for an hour or so, after about 48 hours. By the end of the first week I'd have been fine to go for most of the day, there wouldn't have been up for prolonged dancing. For my formula fed baby and my breast fed baby, I wasn't really leaking milk at that stage, and bye I think day 5 I was down to a panty liner, because the bleeding was very minimal. Apart from the first 24 hours, it was never more than a period. My emotions were very heightened but in a very positive way, in that I'm lucky that I had zero baby blues. I guess I was a bit tired, but I was getting more sleep than in late pregnancy, and wasn't working, so wasn't particularly sleep deprived. My pregnancy was tough and by the end I was surviving on 2 hours sleep a night broken into 30 minute segments. My pretty average newborns for a joy in comparison.

In terms of separation from baby, with my first I had some time on maybe day five, just a couple of hours for my husband. Took the baby out to see some friends whilst I had a good nap. My second, I wasn't apart at all for about 8 months because of continual breastfeeding and bottle refusal. But neither would have been tricky to take to a wedding as a newborn.

However, I had planned sections, which I found very easy to recover from, so bounced back very quickly compared with my friends who had vaginal births.

I think the honest answer is you won't know how you feel until the time. I know women like me, who are able to go on day trips out within a week, one who moved city within in 5 days, and one who stopped up at a restaurant for dinner on their way home. I know others who barely left the house for weeks and found it very tricky and overwhelming. There's no right or wrong, and you can't really predict which category you'll be in.

If 10 mins away and you aren’t required to wear a particular outfit then maybe you can pop at some point during the day and see how it goes. Also your friend needs to expect that cooing over a newborn may detract from her day

Just as a thought, maybe a month before the wedding record a video. Get your hair and make up done nicely, wear whatever you'd be planning on wearing to the wedding (I'm guessing something very versatile!!), and record a message apologising that you can't be there, congratulating the couple and basically saying whatever it is that you'd say to them in person.

Then if you can't make it, you can send that, and either your friend can just view it privately or they can play it at the wedding, but it means you can still be a sort of part of it. It takes the pressure off you, it means you don't need to be faffing around with it if it turns out you're mid labour.

The baby isn’t invited. So no one will be cooing over it.

Yeah everyone’s different but I’d of had to have my babies prized out my hands at 2 days pp.
didnt leave my eldest till she was 16 months old and that was only to give birth to her sibling.
if it’s your first it’s HIGHLY likely you wont of had the baby 2 days late x

A good friend wouldn’t expect you to do anything other than be tucked up in bed resting, sleeping and cuddling your newborn.

I don’t understand why you feel you need to “sit her down” and explain to her how hard it’s going to be - even if she’s never had a baby she must be able to imagine that there’s no other possible scenario for a mum with a tiny newborn?

Take the pressure off trying to please your friend and focus on yourself. Good luck with your pregnancy!

I think the sensible thing is to decide now that you not going to br a bridesmaid. You do not need that pressure and/or hassle. Id be firm on that as a decision taken.
Then I would say that you hope to attend for some of it. Maybe seeing the ceremony, maybe the meal, maybe popping in to the evening do.
You will either be ready to drop (and if its your first you have no idea how tired and just over the whole thing you are) or you will have a tiny baby. You may not want tiny baby at such an event especially at the height of the cold/flu season.
Take the pressure right off both of you now.

I went to a wedding at 4 weeks postpartum and it was fine but you’ll be on a different time frame so it’s likely to be a lottery whether you can go or not.

One thing I didn’t think of was the breastfeeding and my dress was not breastfeeding friendly! Had to find a separate room and strip which wasn’t ideal!

We do have some lovely pictures of the bride cuddling my baby though (a great hulking teen now!) and he got a lot of fuss which was fun. But he was a very easy baby and not all are!

It’s so dependent on if you’ve had the baby, and how you’ll feel. I’d prime your friend that you probably won’t attend but if it’s local and you can get someone to drive you there and back it might be ok for you to pop in.

I had a c section Christmas Day and went to a New Year’s Eve party. Literally drove there, sat on a nice comfy chair with the baby and let people basically come say hi!

Stayed a few hours.

So you might be able to do something like that, but there’s no way you will want to leave the baby.

It’s so dependent on if you’ve had the baby, and how you’ll feel. I’d prime your friend that you probably won’t attend but if it’s local and you can get someone to drive you there and back it might be ok for you to pop in.

I had a c section Christmas Day and went to a New Year’s Eve party. Literally drove there, sat on a nice comfy chair with the baby and let people basically come say hi!

Stayed a few hours.

So you might be able to do something like that, but there’s no way you will want to leave the baby.

I was bridesmaid at my sisters wedding when my baby was 12 days old. Baby came early so I was actually supposed to be 37 weeks at the wedding.
My in laws came and hung out in the bar area/our hotel room and kept baby with them for the ceremony and meal but I kept popping out to see her.
I wore a maternity bridesmaid dress.
It was fine but she was my 2nd. I don't think I could have done it with my first.

If it's January and you haven't had the baby make sure the venue is accessible. You don't want to start labour and find out the roads to some pretty country wedding venue are so icy you need to go Mary-style and have it in a manger next to a chilly donkey.