Returning to work after baby?

[star6]

Has anyone returned to work within 3 months after baby was born? I've been getting some very snooty replies when asked when I will return to work and I tell people... or maybe I'm just oversensitive...
before you judge me, too.. let me explain.
I'm only 20 weeks, but I already know that our maternity leave policy is really awful and after 6 weeks, I will need to return... I think I'll take 8 weeks total and return just a week prior to the winter holiday (then have 2 weeks off and I can be with baby, getting paid my regular salary). Our family is overseas, but I have a very close friend who has her own kids and will care for our baby while I'm at work and both my husband and I are teachers - so get home at a reasonable hour and have lots of holidays... still feel awful though, like everyone thinks I'm the worst mother in the world before my baby is even born.... but if I COULD stay home, I WOULD.

Its hard isn't it. I am planning to return to work after Xmas, baby due anytime now. I am entitled to longer and I know its there if I need it, but financially it would be very difficult for us to manage. I really would rather stay at home with my baby. We are managing by having saved as much as we can during the pregnancy, and by taking a mortgage break for the 6 months I will be receiving the pittance that is maternity pay. Is this something that is available to you? If not, I remember colleagues not that long ago returning to work after 4 months because that was the standard maternity leave at the time. People will always judge you, no matter what you do. We just have to muddle thru and do the best we can with what we've got. In many ways you are lucky, you have a friend you trust to look after your child and all those lovely holidays ! Enjoy your baby and don't let other people get you down.

Don't worry darling - he or she will still think you are the best Mum in the world. It sounds like have made excellent provision, and though it may be hard for you at first, think of all the long hols to come. Don't do your head in about this - forget it and don't let anyone guilt trip you, this is personal - and just enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and the time you will have off.

How do you take a "mortgage break"? That sounds interesting... I might ask my mortgage company.
Thanks to all for your support! I'm so happy that I joined MN!! I'm feeling better about this already now. Teaching is really perfect for the hours and holidays. My baby will be spending the day so close to school (my friend's kids are all in school and lives close by) that I can actually collect him/her by 3.45pm most every day!! Although I know that those hours away are going to be heart wrenching...esp at first.
I'm also planning to "try it out" by going to the grocery store for a half hour or an hour at first before officially going back to see what it's like to be without the baby.

star6, I would have found returning to work as early as that incredibly hard. I found the first few months of having my first baby really tough going, in terms of getting breastfeeding established and coping with the sleepless nights. I know some people do manage to go back to work this early, but you don't know yet how your birth will be, or how laid back your baby is going to be. I don't know how difficult expressing would be for a baby of this age, I would think it would be a bit of a pain.

Is there any way at all you can try and take a bit more time off, or put off the decision until after the baby is born? A mortgage break is a great idea, or can you manage a very tight budget for the next few months?

Star, talk to your lenders, thats exactly what we did and they were so helpful. We contacted them when I was 12 weeks to see what help, if any, was available to us coz I couldn't find any info in the bumf they gave us many years ago. We talked about a re-mortgage over 25 years as we only(!) have 18 left, a reduced payment break (where you basically arrange to continue to make repayments but at an agreed rate), interest only payments (as it suggests, you only repay the interest on the loan, during the break) and a complete payment break. We felt the complete break was best for us. I don't know if these options are available to everyone or if they differ between lenders, but its definitely worth asking. We were really suprised at the help available.

Thanks I'll speak with them this afternoon!! But does the payment break mean that your payments are higher after the break?

I know lots of women who returned at 3 months, because that's the paid leave in our (australian) university. I planned to do the same myself, because it seemed normal to me. I also didn't have any experience of babies, so I didn't know what a 3 month old was like. But, when it came to it, I found I couldn't leave such a little baby.

Most of the women who did return have since told me they regretted going back so soon. Besides the emotional aspect, it looks very hard physically. The women I know are academics or phd students, so they had more flexibility than would be usual and were able to go and breastfeed their babies at the campus childcare and even take a nap if they needed it. But even they found it hard, and you should think carefully about how tiring it will be to express two or three times a day (it will probably use up all your breaks, especially at such an early stage) and also about how you will cope if your baby doesn't sleep (which is much more likely than not). At 8 weeks I was spending hours each night walking up and down the house carrying ds.

Okay, I'm SAHM mum so I'm probably talking out of my bum but I have my driving test this morning and I can't sleep!!

To make it easier on yourself can you think I'm going back to work in January and popping in for a couple of days around the end of Decemeber? Sounds silly but that's actually what you're doing and might make you feel better psychologically IYSWIM. I'm sure you won't be working that hard just before

Secondly, I'm a SAHM mum because my husband works very long hours and takes little holiday. He's self-employed so we're saving it up for when DC2 is born and he hasn't taken ANY holiday so far this year. My DS misses out on seeing his dad and I'm quite envious of the way your DH will be able to be involved. It sounds like your DC will have a great upbringing

The only thing I would warn against is that small babies often cry all evening. Mine did and I didn't leave him even for 5 minutes until he was 7 months old. I can imagine that if I had been picking him up at about 4 I would have felt that he was only crying because he 'hated' me. (That's what my DH felt)It is a shame because you'll probably get the worst of him/her for a bit. However, the point is it WILL NOT be because you wnet back to work but because babies are buggers.

HTH

I was really lucky and went back when my baby was 7 months old, so can't comment on going back earlier.

In my experience - it is much harder leaving your baby than you think, people will judge you and make comments that seem to be straight out of the 1950's that you will find really upsetting, and it is hard settling into a new routine again.
BUT at the end of the day if you need to work to provide for your family or because that makes you a happier person, then that is best for your baby and you - noone else can decide that!

star, i borrowed money to cover the unpaid bit of my maternity leave. if you can possibly afford it i would say do it, it isn't going to be a huge amount of money and you'll be saving on childcare anyway.

I went back when dd was exactly 12wks. I didn't particularly want to, but where I was living maternity leave was 15wks, and dd put in an appearance 2wks late, leaving me with only 12wks after the birth. I was working full time, and earning the bigger salary, it would have been financially impossible for me to not go back, and I'd have had a hard time negotiating longer unpaid leave where I was working. However, dd was fine, in the care of a great childminder for 4 days a week, and one day a week with dh. I did feel bad at first, mainly because by three months she was starting to be a bit easier and I felt like I was really going to be missing out (she'd been pretty hard work up to this point). Anyway, to cut a long story short, what I'm trying to say is that you do what you have to do at the time, given your circumstances. Not everyone has unlimited choice, so do what you have to, make the best provision possible for childcare, and try to not feel guilty, you're doing the best you can for your baby.

I am a SAHM and people (especially without children) pass judgement on this decision, wondering out loud that I am supported financially by my husband and no longer have a (successful and lucrative) career but do nappies and building blocks all day.
I know this doesn't help you, but the point is some people will always judge you, especially your parenting decisions. Returning to work is just the start - the way you discipline, the school you choose, the names you choose, the way you dress your children - EVERYONE seems to have an opinion on this that they feel compelled to share with you.
My twins are bottle fed and use dummies - just read some of the threads on here about that - you'd think I was killing them!
I am slowly learning to filter out the pointless opinions from the practical advice; feeling a constant failure just isn't helpful but seems very hard to avoid as a mother.
There are some great suggestions on here and some wonderful inspiring stories of women who have returned to work, so keep in touch with them and ignore the rest!!
BTW, I would happily have returned to work at 3 months for some sanity. I would find it much harder now (12 months). So maybe going back earlier is better after all!
Good luck.

I am living and working overseas and am also only entitled to 3 months maternity leave. All my female colleagues who have had kids (many of them very recently and I have one team member who is also pregnant) go back full time after 3 months no questions asked. I am the only female expat in my department and I have asked if I can have 6 months off and then go back part time (3 days a week). I work in banking and am currently working at least 12 hours per day. This suggestion although I said 3 months would be unpaid has been refused as my boss (also an expat) thinks it would look like favouritism. He says if I want to come back later on he'll find something for me. The difference is that I am living in a country where domestic help is very cheap and grandparents look after the kids as well. We live 12,000 miles from the grandparents-to-be so it's not an option. Consequently I have decided to give up work. I am fortunate that financially we are able to do this although things won't be as comfortable.

Ultimately, you have to do what is right for you and your situation if people can't accept that then that's their problem.

Haven't had chance to read all the thread, but just wanted to tell you a positive story.

I went back to work (teaching) after 6 weeks . I expressed at work, and bf at home. During the holidays I went back to exclusive bfing. I loved being able to go back to work (I found the newborn bit lovely, but a bit boring tbh). I also loved having such long 'mummy time' holidays.
It can work reallly well.

Thank you wrigglejiggle!!!! That is exactly what I'm planning to do. SO happy to hear that you were able to express at work as I want to do this as well and know that it will be difficult (I'm a teacher, too... scoping out a private spot right now...). Are you near surrey, by any chance?

I am so glad I found this post! I am 23 weeks pregnant and like many of you, I have to go back to work after 7 months as i earn the higher salary and my DP is self-employed. Many of my colleagues have DC and work 4 days a week. When I said I was coming back full-time, I was blown over my the amount of air being sucked through their teeth I am clearly a bad mother to be in their eyes.
Reading your posts has made my guilt easier - I do want to be a good mum and I feel guilty about going back so soon (to a job that is flexible and allows me to work from home but does involve quite a bit of UK travel too) but I want to provide a stable, secure home for my baby and DP and I have saved about £6,000 to cover some of my lost salary.
It's clear that every woman has different needs and must do what is right for them. Working full-time can be done and can be a positive experience - working mums make excellent role models for thier children. But, so do SAHMs - IMHO it's all about how you are when you're with your baby, not about spending 24/7 with them. I also think that going back to work is easier than being a SAHM - I'll get a full lunch hour every day to do what I want!!
Finally, whilst working from home might sound great, my baby will still go to nursery on these days - it just makes things easier as there is no commute on these days.
Stay positive Star6 - you will make it work out. And cmotdibbler, your post is very encouraging, thanks (PS love your name. I'm a huge Pratchett fan )

I'm not going to be judemental here, but I do think it is worth you having some contigency plans in plcae, in case you find you really can't bear to return to work. You have some time between now and then - is there any way you could economise on a few things and save a bit of money now, so you can take a few extra weeks?

The thing is, you just don't know how you're going to feel, physically and emotionally.

I'm a single parent, with no financial support from anyone but myself, so I had to return to work. I took 8 months in total, as much as I could possibly afford without going bankrupt. Even at 8 months, it broke my heart to leave my baby, I cried for days.

When he was 6 weeks old there's no way I could have gone back. DS barely slept, I still couldn't get into any of my clothes, I hardly knew what day it was, I was in a complete daze. Having a child was much more life-changing than I imagined. My old life vanished, nothing was ever the same again.

Sorry to scare you but this is how it was for me - you just don't know how you're going to feel, and it's worth bearing that in mind when making your plans.

All the best.

In my opinion it's a lot to ask of someone to go back to work at 6 weeks - for herself as much as anything - I would say I was physically and mentally exhausted still at that stage and things took several more weeks to settle down. I'm sure the baby will be fine so long as there is someone who cares properly for him/her but you also need to consider yourself and make sure you have a little bit of me-time - it's quite easy to guilt yourself into feeling that your not all there at work and not all there at home either - but having a bit of space will make everyone happier. And in my experience things get progressively easier each week after the first 6 !

I agree with Rachel- if it's possible to have a 'just in case I really really can't' contingency plan in place- it might turn out to be worth it. It's so true that you think you will be able to do all these things post baby which just can't/don't happen.

On the other hand, the people on here who say they couldn't have gone back after 3 months didn't, and the people who say it's fine did (on the whole), so I suppose there is a lot to be said for the idea that you cope with whatever you have to cope with (for example mums with single babies feel that they could never handle twins, but mums with twins just get on with it...)

it's hardly fair of people to be nasty about you returning to work when you have to as opposed to wanting to (not that that would be their business anyway)...next time someone tries to be snooty about ask them to pay you a wage to cover your bills so you don't have to go back to work, that'll shut them up.

really annoys me how insensitive people can be!

Good luck. I think that you need to get very prepared before the baby comes so you know what you are doing and don't get stressed out by the newborn stage.

I would recommend reading Harvey Karp's "Baby Bliss" book - ds was an angel baby and it was all down to the techniques in this book.

Also think about a routine. Babies loves routine and it makes life easier for you, not a set the clock routine but a bit of a plan. MN tends to be anti routine but loads of mums on here quietly swear by them. I have one ds and looking back I could have been firmer with him than I was. Babies are peasy-easy! (With my great knowledge of errr..... one).

I bought an Amby hammock and it helped ds sleep.

Also think about a hypnobirthing course. It will help you sleep and relax and stay calm. Or even just lsitening to some hb CDs. Afterwards too! I ended up with an emergency CS and in the hospital afterwards we were known as the calm family.

You will need to be very organised and make sure your dp is ready to help out 50:50.

good luck!

Thanks! Yes, my dh is willing to help out a lot. Since we're both teachers, it's just fantastic in that regard. He'll be doing his fair share
I'm going to buy that book right now!!! That sounds great!
I'm opting for epidural as soon as possible... I used to be deathly scared ... PETRIFIED of childbirth before I got pregnant. I'm starting to get over it now - no choice!!!! But not even thinking about the natural anti-pain reliever method at all...

Imoscarsmum - glad to be of help. I do a fair bit of UK and international travel, and even though that meant schlepping the breast pump around, its worked out fine.

Star - just go with the flow re the pain. You might be pleasantly suprised how well you deal with the contractions. I was 6cm before i had any pain relief at all (not even a bath as I was in hospital due to prem waters breaking), and was fine on gas and air.

I am 18 weeks and am also planning to go back to work after 3-4 months. I took 7 months off with my first baby but only get a very basic maternity package £400 a month after the first 6 weeks and can't really afford more this time round.
Am I worried about leaving a 3/4-month-old with a childminder? Yes. And I really wish I got a better maternity deal so I could take more time off. But the truth is that in North America, where I have plenty of friends, it is absolutely normal to go back after 3 months and I know plenty of women who returned to work even earlier, because needs must - and their children don't seem any worse for it. Nor do they feel any guilt because it's what everyone around them is doing.
It's all about cultural norms, so don't let anyone tell you you are a bad mother because you go back to work earlier than they are used to.
I do agree, though, that you should have a contingency plan if possible. With my first child I was too ill to go back to work at 3 months and if the post-pregnancy problems I had last time re-occur, which they might, I will have to find a way to take more time off despite the financial hit....

Here is a thread about things to think about when returning to work - there are some other threads linked in

here