45 and unexpectedly pregnant - GP less than helpful, am I harsh?

[StandFirm]

Bit of a shock this morning! We truly thought this was not on the cards and we had been very careful (well, obviously not enough). I can't take hormonal contraception and frankly pregnancies are always complicated for me. DH is older than me as well making this whole thing is even more of a surprise. Irony was that I had an appointment booked to discuss sterilisation as my cycles were always extremely reliable up until now but I've been worried about perimenopause making that method unreliable. Nature got me first.
Beyond the practicalities - I work for myself so on the one hand I have autonomy, on the other it's brutal chasing up clients at the best of times - I am really concerned about the health risks to the baby of course but also to my own health. We still have a young child (elder two are adults, one of whom is self-sufficient) so I have that to consider. I don't want to be reckless with my health and so I went to the GP to get the facts. All I got was 'it's your choice'. Not what I was asking! I need to know the likelihood of miscarrying (again, I did once after our third, and I was younger) and the full facts on the implications on my own health. Again, all I got was: things can go well, no one can tell anything and no one will tell you to terminate because you're 45. That was not my question. I'm clear it's my choice, but I thought his job was to give me the medical facts. Is there a reason why he would have been so unhelpful? I got out of the appointment absolutely none the wiser and just as anxious as before. I've self-referred to my local maternity but are GPs not qualified to give pregnancy facts? He didn't even test to make sure it was correct.

I am almost 45 (weeks away), DH just turned 50 and I'm 32 weeks pregnant with a spontaneous pregnancy. I had just begun HRT when it happened.

So far I haven't been treated any differently for 'advanced maternal age'. I had all the same screening tests, we had the NIPT and treated each milestone as it came along.

Baby has been developing perfectly, text book. I have been exhausted but expected that and will likely have a c-section but that's all to do with her positioning (she's been breech since 16 weeks) rather than my age.

I have encountered no adverse issues due to age but recognise that every pregnancy is different.

I have developed GD for the first time (no history of it) but this is being manged well.

I read up on my risk factors in the early days and knew it if we went ahead, the odds of miscarriage or chromosome issues were high. Had either happened, I had a plan.

I'm consultant led and all in all, it's been a pretty boring pregnancy.

It's a total shock, I understand that there's no way to mitigate risks before 12 weeks so you either go with the flow or terminate. Apologies for my harshness there.

I think thats a lot to put on a 25 year old.
I have one and I wouldn't dream of doing that just as he is starting out in his post university career. This is his time.
I wish you luck whatever you decide.

I agree with you on that. I wouldn't want to ask that of a dc.

I think you misunderstand my post. If anything were to happen to us now or in the next 10-15 years, we have other options in place. Accidents and illnesses can hit any family at any age. I was specifically referring to us being older parents, in the event our health declines sooner than we'd like when we hit our 60s and 70s respectively. At that point, our other safety net may not be viable anymore and that's when our eldest might be involved. Bear in mind we're talking in 15 years or so, when the youngest is no longer a child but not yet fully self-sufficient- but by then our eldest would be hitting his 40s so hardly 'just out of university'. Because he is already a grown man whose opinion we value and respect, I'd rather we get his take on the situation than simply spring the surprise on him.

It's not about that at all. We definitely have the means to support another child, even with less money than now.

I requested for NIPT but was told I could only get it if my combined test shows high risk. Was this the case for you? Or did they let you have NIpt Right away? Thanks.

But you’d be asking him now, and that’s still a lot to put on a 25 year old. Otherwise by that logic why not ask all your other children too as they’d be well into adulthood in 15 years.

Imagine how he’d feel if he says no, that’s not a responsibility he wants in the future, so you have a termination. Shortly afterwards his partner falls pregnant. Can you imagine how horrible that would feel for him?

You cannot bring your other children into this.

I understand all that but still think it’d be hugely unreasonable to discuss this with DC1 now or at any time in the near future.

It also seems similar to but worse than your annoyance with the GP. This is solely your and your H’s decision. With risks and uncertainties.

Few DC in their 20s would want their parents to have another DC. They might well be supportive because they love you, whilst privately being concerned.

I really wouldn't recommend asking your DC for their input. It is nothing to do with them, it's an inappropriate question and effectively makes your 25yo child responsible for the decision. Utterly unfair. Just assume that your 25yo won't be involved and decide on that basis.

You're 45 not 85. Of course anything could happen at any time but assuming you're in normal health now your life expectancy is 87. The chances of both you and your husband dying before your youngest is an adult are very low. Just get the best life insurance you can and look after yourself. MN is very down on older mums, I'm never quite sure why. Yes some things are easier when you're younger but some things are harder.

Good luck whatever you decide, OP.

I'd not be asking him for any commitment, just his take on this. As I said this morning, I haven't decided how to (or even 100% if I will) bring this up with him precisely because I don't want him to feel it's his responsibility - decision is ours 100%.

Consensus seems to be it's a bad idea to consult with our adult DC. Perhaps it's true, as grown up as they are, they're still our kids...

But why would you want his take on it? Whether or not you agree you are suggesting he has some level of responsibility and his “take” on it would influence your decision.

If it’s advice you’re after talk to your friends and get counselling, don’t burden your children with it.

I had my only child at 42.
When I unexpectedly fell pregnant at 46, it didn’t feel ‘right’ in our guts. I ‘m fit and healthy but felt much older than 4 years previously. (We terminated at around 7/8 weeks).
People may think age brackets 40-45 and 45-50 feel the same or have the same risks, but in my experience they don’t, & for alot of people I’d wager they don’t. Just my intuitive opinion is that future health of baby and mother much more compromised with mother aged 45-50.
To add, for my family, elderly relatives who supported with child care when I was 42 were a lot less able and available when I was 46/47.
Those few years can make a huge difference and I’m afraid the reality is that life does not get or feel easier as we age, for a myriad of reasons - the odds are increasingly against us.
I also agree with a PP that this comes down to a head / heart rather than purely factual decision for anyone, whatever age, taking into account all personal circumstances.

Most 20 something DCs’ ‘take’ would be to be mortified, concerned about risks for you and the DC, also to hope that you and the DC would be and stay well. Primarily for your and the DCs’ sake but also for themself and other siblings.

No you don't need his take on this, how could you do that to him.
Your baby and your decision. Your responsibility.

Anything could happen to anyone.
I do understand that you're in shock and I do understand all the responsibility and the heartache of an unexpected pregnancy.

I promise I truly do. I had to make a decision based on the needs of my family and my own health.

His input of course would mean something to you, and you probably have a great relationship but don't do it.

Xxx

I'd not be asking him for any commitment, just his take on this. As I said this morning, I haven't decided how to (or even 100% if I will) bring this up with him precisely because I don't want him to feel it's his responsibility - decision is ours 100%.

It might surprise you but no 25 year old son even wants to think of his 'elderly' parents having sex.

Agree don’t burden him in any way. I wouldn’t do this.

I got the point and accepted it :)

Hi, we paid privately for ours at 10 weeks, got low risk back and then the same for the NHS combined. I would have been almost 14 weeks if I'd have waited and if we were going to TMFR, I wanted it to be earlier rather than later.

For most people they’d probably stick to this line. I got one on the NHS before my combined test, but then, as well as being old, my eldest has Down’s syndrome, which I think pretty much guarantees a high chance in the combined test, so I think in my situation they were basically cutting out the (CT) middle man, as it were!

How are you getting on @StandFirm

Thanks for checking in!
I'm still reeling but have booked a private consultant appointment for this week already to talk everything through. It might be too early to see a heartbeat but I didn't want to wait. It's ££ but I feel it's worth the investment.

Update: I processed the news over the last couple of weeks and DH and I made very clear plans to look after this latest addition to our family, but just as we'd settled into this pregnancy, I started bleeding. It's awfully familiar. First came the brown discharge, only a few drops, then filled half a pad, then the blood turned bright red and the cramping got more intense. I am now 3 days into it and in quite a bit of pain. I am sadly not in the country right now so am looking at booking a confirmation scan here asap. I'm quite sure it's a miscarriage but will obviously need it formally diagnosed. We hadn't told anyone yet because of the high likelihood we'd lose it, but the flip side is that it's quite hard to go about the holidays with kids and extended family and friends around as if all was fine...

I’m sorry OP. What a shame and what an awful time for that to happen, like it’s not bad enough.