Husband doesn’t want to keep the baby

[ARN1988]

Hi all,

Just writing on here as I have nowhere else to turn. My husband and I have been together for twenty years, married for ten, we are 34 and 35 and have two beautiful boys. We are financially stable.

We recently found out we were pregnant unexpectedly. I have not been on contraception for 6 almost 7 years since our youngest son was born and we have used a mix of fertility apps to track ovulation and condoms around ovulation time. I have asked him numerous times over the past half a year to have a vasectomy to which he said he was too scared.

I am 7 weeks pregnant, the doc says I must’ve mistook implantation bleeding for a period and therefore found out later than usual. I initially was over the moon, I love being a mum, I give my everything to being the best mum I could ever be. My oldest son is autistic and has ADHD, so although challenging at times, I have studied a degree in SEND & Inclusion and equipped myself with the knowledge to support his needs. I cope fine, however my husband finds him more challenging and is often stressed.

He says we couldn’t cope with another baby, and that if I have the baby he will not support me and will leave. He says I should put our two sons first especially our son with additional needs as he needs our full support.

I guess what I’m trying to say is I want this baby, however doing it alone does scare me, how would I cope alone with two children and a baby, especially one with additional needs. I am so confused, and so sad about it all. This is supposed to be a magical time, and it couldn’t feel further from it. I also worry about people judging me for having another baby when our eldest does present challenges. Irrelevant really when I cope fine, I would have another just like him as he brings me so much joy and light! My younger son has a beautiful soul, I know he would be an amazing big brother. I am feeling so lost. Sorry for the long message :(

If he does leave he will legally have to be supportive to the children. He'll potentially have them all 50/50, including the third one.
So he can't just wash his hands of you in that way.
If you want to keep the child and are prepared that you may spilt, but he will do more childcare alone than he ever did if that happens.

I can understand why your husband doesn’t want anymore children, however if he was absolutely adamant he didn’t want anymore then he should have got a vasectomy or wore a condom EVERY time you had sex

Even if you terminate resentment will end your marriage anyway imo.
Keep the dc and ditch the dodo...

No one can make the decision for you, that has to come from you. Your husband struggles to cope with your eldest, and I'm guessing he's worried he's going to cope even less with 3 children. However, trying to emotionally blackmail you isn't helpful and isn't very nice either. You need to think practically too - can you manage to accommodate 3 children in your current home? Would you struggle financially? Would you need another car to comfortably fit 3 children? How much does your husband help with chores/parenting now? How will your current 2 children cope with another sibling? How much time will you need to devote to your eldest due to his additional needs, compared to the other 2 children? How would you cope if this unborn child also had additional needs? How would you cope if your husband couldn't deal with 3 children and left? Going forward contraception needs to be thought about long-term, you're lucky you haven't fallen pregnant before now. A vasectomy is a simple procedure, under local anaesthetic, and doesn't take very long. If your husband won't have one, then may be you need to consider sterilisation for yourself?

If he knew he definitely didn’t want any more children then he should have used contraception, or had a vasectomy! So he was scared? Does he not think that you were scared each time you gave birth!
If you have an abortion, I think you’d resent him and that would signal a decline in your marriage anyway. From what you’ve written, you sound as if you want to keep this baby and most probably manage really well.
To be honest, I’d lose all respect for someone that gave me that kind of ultimatum.

I feel for you, I was exactly where you are not long ago. Our eldest DS is possibly autistic, we have a lively DD who is 2 and I fell pregnant. DH was aware we weren’t using contraception but told me if I kept the baby he would leave me. I knew in my heart of hearts I couldn’t have an abortion when I wanted the baby, I would never forgive myself or him. I told him he could leave then.

Only you know deep down what you want to do and if you’re prepared to go it alone. There’s no right or wrong answer. All I would say is whatever you decide please please make the right decision for you and your DC, don’t let yourself be bullied into something.

I kept my baby, she’s now 10 weeks. DH didn’t leave in the end, he was trying to force me into making the decision he wanted but I would choose her over him a million times over and wouldn’t have regretted my decision had he followed through and left.

I had an unexpected pregnancy and my husband was initially happy and then quickly said I must make a termination appointment and he would leave me if I kept our (third) baby. I wanted the baby but felt so torn. We have two small pre school children and I didn’t want to ruin their lives. I went to the abortion appointment and cried the whole time. I had 3 lots of abortion counselling.
In the end I convinced my husband that terminating the baby would cause me lifelong regret and potentially mental health issues.
I said I couldn’t terminate a baby I wanted just to please him. I looked into all the support I would get as a single mum of 3.

He took 2 months to get on board and was then really excited. Baby is now here and my husband loves them!! It’s almost annoying what he put me through. When I was in those dark days of feeling pressured it was awful. I look back and it was so so awful. I wouldn’t believe I would be here with my baby now.

anyway, only terminate if you want to. Please don’t terminate only for your husband.

Could you forgive him if you had a termination? I think the relationship would be over anyway no?

Ugh. Too scared to have a simple day procedure but wants you to go through the termination of a wanted child. I would kick his arse out of the door either way op. You deserve better than this.

He could very easily do zero childcare. He can’t be forced to look after the children.

I'm not sure I could stay with a man who made an ultimatum like that anyway, especially one who was "too scared" to get a vasectomy but now expects you to undergo an abortion like it's no big deal. Even moreso one who thinks he can cum inside a woman but then just abandon her, his children and his responsibilities when the consequences of his actions come knocking. I don't know how you could ever look at him again knowing he views you and his kids as entirely disposable.

I think I'd be going for divorce either way, but only you truly know if you'll be ok with Number 3 and going it alone. It wouldn't be easy at all, but you sound like you're pretty well equipped so I don't think you'd sink either.

No fucking way would I have an abortion that I didn’t want to appease a man who caused the pregnancy by being too cowardly to have a vasectomy and too selfish to wear a condom.

What they all said. Sorry you're in this awful position op

You cannot "make" him have them 50/50. In fact, in reality he CAN opt out, chasing him for money he can hide or for his time just won't work.

Scared!! Well what does he think women go through every time they get pregnant and have to give birth?? They could need a caesarean too, and in very extreme cases even a hysterectomy.

Have the baby, ditch the dude. If he does come on board with the new baby and decides to stick around then tell him that his choice for the future is either vasectomy or celibacy. Mean it and follow through.

Awful man.

Whatever you decide to do, remember this - he wouldn't have a vasectomy because he's "too scared" but expects you to "just" have an abortion. Chuck his words back at him and tell him you are "too scared" to have one.

Was he "too scared" to use a condom too?

The only support he would legally have to provide is financial support unfortunately, he wouldn’t be forced to have them 50/50

Bullies issue ultimatums. Your DH could have had a vasectomy if he definitely didn't want any more DC. He could have used a condom every single time you had sex but he chose not to. Now the choice is yours. If you want the baby and it sounds as if you could cope just fine even if the new baby had SEN then tell him you want the baby and are going ahead with pregnancy. He might go or he might upon reflection realise he would have to financially support all 3 DC or do 50/50 care. Hell probably stay like PP DH did. It might just take him a while to figure it out.

This entirely.
He's threatening to leave you if you don't have an abortion because he said he struggles to cope.

You've adapted and educated yourself to cope with your children's needs. It shows you are resourceful and would be able to navigate the practicalities. What's to say he won't continue to struggle in the future and decide it was all too much and leave anyway? How would you feel then?

How did you both get on before this happened?

He wouldn't get a vasectomy a simple minor surgery because he was "Scared" but he wants you to go through an abortion.
And apparently he's been scared for 7 years- too scared to use a condom? and he's made contraception your responsibility. But now he's making decisions for you?
It's your body, your choice. No one should force you to do something you don't want to do. It would cause lasting resentment.

I don't think I've ever agreed with a post more than this!
What a pathetic man. Too scared to put anyone else first, prioritising his orgasms and demanding abortion when he actively chose to impregnate his wife.

No, I wouldn't terminate in your situation. These wouldn't be sufficient reasons for me. Maybe your DH will change his mind. And I agree with the previous poster - he didn't prevent this pregnancy so he shouldn't pressurize you to end it.

His decision about whether or not to accept parenthood of a new baby happened when he made the choice to have sex without contraception. The fact that he's turning out to be a bastard with a streak of emotional blackmail does not let him off the hook for supporting his family, even if he does fuck off and abandon you all. He's currently being an utter arsehole but he may possibly see sanity at some point in the next 32-ish weeks and start taking responsibility for his actions rather than being a stroppy teenager.

Tell him to fuck off, and that he can come back and talk as and when he feels he can act like a grownup.

If you don't divorce him, do not have sex with him again until he has had a vasectomy,

It is equally as abhorrent to pressure a woman towards a termination that she doesn't want as it is abhorrent to prevent a woman from having a termination that she wants. Both show a total disregard for the woman's validity as a human being, both are unacceptable.

If I just found out that my husband was an utterly selfish horror of a man, it would take me precisely zero seconds to decide to divorce him. Whether you keep your baby or not after that is up to you.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply.

You are right, I shouldn’t be forced to have a termination to appease his feelings.

I have tried to emphasise with him, and I’ve told him his feelings are valid when it comes to worrying about the additional responsibility of a third, and how that may impact how stressed he feels. I have tried to discuss how we would navigate those potential challenges, but he doesn’t want to listen. He has given no regard to my feelings, he hasn’t listened to me when I tell him how difficult it would be to have a termination and how it would impact me emotionally. He thinks I just need to have a few tablets and get on with life.

Given that we live mortgage free, are in a stable marriage and can accommodate a third child, I don’t feel he can justify a termination other than his own selfish feelings.

I am self employed and run my own SEND consultancy so I am able to fully work around my children, and would be able to pick work back up once baby was here and when I felt ready too. I do think I would be able to cope, I am quite a strong person, I changed my career so that I could take care of my son with additional needs better, and he told me that was a mistake, yet here I am, my work is thriving and I’m still able to care for both of my sons.

I guess the thought of going through pregnancy alone is sad, and something I never expected. For the most part our marriage is strong, it has been rocked with how we deal with my eldest son, however we’ve managed to get through it, I just feel how he is reacting in this situation is really disappointing and selfish.

Thank you all so much once again x

I changed my career so that I could take care of my son with additional needs better, and he told me that was a mistake, yet here I am, my work is thriving and I’m still able to care for both of my sons.

So he was wrong about that. He didn't have faith in you then. What makes him think he's right now?

You have already proved yourself very resourceful. It sounds like you already take care of the bulk of the childcare and are very capable.

Both working, Mortgage free yet he doubts future finances.

He sounds very selfish and more worried about his own comfort and feelings than yours.