Pregnancy mental load

[lafalafel]

33 weeks pregnant. Had a very difficult day with DH yesterday as I am starting to get stressed with everything we still need to do (I also have ADHD so all the planning/ prep has been a lot for me). I got very overwhelmed and emotional.

We're first time parents and we have been trying over 5 years, fertility treatments, the lot, so it's been no small feat for us to get here - it's a big deal. He wants to be a father so badly.

Only he hasn't been anywhere near as engaged as I thought he'd be. Hasn't read or researched anything on his own initiative, or shown any interest in buying or choosing anything.

He has done practical stuff like clearing out the house, building nursing chair, shelves etc, but only when I direct him. I have to think of it and tell him what to do, and then he's happy to do it. But he's not proactive. There's not a single thing he has thought of/ suggested.

He works full time (plus some) in a very demanding job and he does also have a health condition which makes him tired. I work 3 days and it's more flexible, and I'm about to start maternity leave.

Am I expecting too much? I just feel like he's not all that excited or engaged and it's making me sad :( but I don't know if I'm just pressuring him too much. It's just not how I pictured this stage.

Anyone else had this? How do you cope with it?

Yes I think you are

you work part time
you’re about to go on pretty early maternity leave
he does the jobs you tell him need doing

so you want to… what, not tell him to do a job so he thinks of the jobs and does it, meanwhile you…. Play with your belly button?

He works full time (plus some) in a very demanding job and he does also have a health condition which makes him tired.

I mean op, I am wondering whether this is a reverse now

That is unreasonable I think you’re being

Have you spoken to him about it? I think if you've spoken to him about it and he hasn't changed or made more effort, that's not okay. It's not unreasonable for you to want him to take some of the mental load. I don't think it means he's not excited etc, people show that in different ways. I think it also depends on the dynamic of your relationship. My husband wouldn't take any initiative with the prep, because I like to organise and plan things. He tends to do more around the house, tidying, cooking etc. However if I told him I need him to do more planning, I'd expect him to step up.

From what you’ve said, YABU.

I think you are probably over thinking things, the planning and prep for a baby that is essential is very minimal. It certainly doesn’t require building anything, nor does it take more than an hour of time with a laptop and credit card these days.

For day one you need a few items of clothing, nappies, and to have decided on sleeping arrangements plus a car seat if travelling by car. I coslept, breast fed and didn’t drive so borrowed a car seat. I had basic sleepsuits and bodysuits nothing else. My only suggestion as a must have is a pack of muslins, you can buy in large supermarkets or online.

try to enjoy the experience not stress

Also, lots of people will say YABU. But it's both your baby. You're not saying he has to take all the mental load, but why do men get a pass for planning and organising things for their baby. That's not a woman's job. You can do 80% of it, but it's not unreasonable for him to do 20%, even if he works full time.

It looks like he is doing all the physical “load”

He's a man, why are you surprised.

I don't know how you've taken that as a definite from what the OP has said? She says he has done practical stuff then names a few. And only when directed. For all we know OP could be doing all other household chores still and other physical things in preparing for baby. As well as carrying the child.

A man working full time versus op part time
a man with a health condition
a man who does the physical burden

Does this fit with his character before the pregnancy? If the two of you did something together, like redecorate a room or plan a holiday, who did the planning and who did the physical stuff? If it was the same pattern, then I don't think it's surprising that he's the same about the pregnancy. It's just his character.

However, as you feel the mental load is too much, you need to talk to him about it. Make sure you and he think of the solution together, as that's part of the mental load! So don't say, here's the list of things that need done - which ones do you want to do? Instead say, I am struggling with all the planning for the baby, what can you do to help? I know you're short on time, so how about you take on some of the mental load and I'll do xyz (physical stuff or other chores) that you do at the moment?

Well she’s got another >2 days for that

She's also heavily pregnant? So you think her husband should not have any responsibility for the mental load at all, in her situation? Your husband must have it easy in your household!

33 weeks pregnant
about to go on maternity leave
no mention of anything health related

I mean…. Come on!

If he does things that you ask him to do then that's enough. Men maybe just aren't as intuitive about nesting etc. Just guide him a little. I know what it's like to suddenly be nearky due after years of trying but please don't worry, there are people bringing up babies in all sorts of strange environments that'll be less ordered than yours. Babies don't crawl until after 6 months so don't need to baby proof yet.

Oh don’t be so daft.

he has a health condition , he’s working more than full time and he’s cleared the house and done a load of other jobs.

So what if he’s not thinking about what type of mobile hangs over the cot

It sounds like you have a lot more free time than him. Also most of this doesn't matter as much as you think it does. As example is a nursing chair. It's nice to have but you would be fine without one - I fed mostly in bed or on the sofa. Also you can get most things delivered in a day or 2 if you do need them once the baby arrives. You still have a while until your baby is born, so there is no rush. There's nothing wrong with planning it all, but it is good to recognise it is not essential. I also think it feels less real to a lot of men before the baby is born.

Yes I think you’re being very unreasonable.

Firstly, he won’t be the first man who wonders what it’ll be like being a dad, but have zero emotional link or knowledge or imagination until the baby is actually born. Tbf, he’s not the one who’s pregnant. For many men, it’s not real until something happens: for them it’s when the baby is here, for women it’s when they know they’re pregnant.

Secondly, he works FT, has a health condition, has done all the physical stuff…really what else is there? It’s a baby. You’re not being a better prepared parent by worrying or stressing or “planning” in advance.

The key to your issue is that YOU had expectations which you now think he’s not meeting. He doesn’t need to meet your expectations. He doesn’t actually need any expectations because the baby will let you know what’s required when it’s here.

You should get used to this. Motherhood is very different from fatherhood in many ways, at different ages.

As PP said, men feel a loss less connected to their babies while they're still in the womb. My husband is happy to discuss the nursery, clothes etc but only when I bring it up. He's mostly excited about baby weaning (he's a fantastic cook and I know he'll find weaning fascinating).

My point is, men and women are very different. To him, nothing much has changed yet so he might need some more guidance outside of his demanding job. However, to us women, we become mothers long before the baby is born.

Because the mental load shouldn't only fall on women. Regardless of the situation. People have low expectations for men for some reason. Working full time and having a health condition (which for all we know could be something minor) does not stop him from thinking about what might need to be done for the arrival of his child and helping OP with this. OP is pregnant, has ADHD, and is still doing all the mental load. Fair enough it doesn't have to be 50/50 since she works part time, but he shouldn't get to do 0 just because he's a man. He can't do 10% of the mental load? Seriously? That's a low bar.

what is the “mental burden” op? You’ve mentioned him clearing the house and putting up shelves, but what else have you directed him on that he hasn’t thought to do himself?

Mine didn't even do the practical stuff, despite persistent nagging. Didn't do anything at all until I started doing it myself (badly and noisily) at 6am at 38 weeks pregnant, and then he woke up a bit and made some progress (clearing some space for me to move my desk into the office so that we could move the changing table into the nursery, building the bassinet).

However, he hasn't done half of it and she's 7m old, I've been asking him for over a year. It stresses me out. I got an electrician to put up the shelves in the nursery for me - they'd literally been sat there for OVER 3 YEARS from when it was still my office, and I couldn't take it any more!

He's great and has looked after me but DIY is not his thing and motivating him to do essential but to him difficult jobs - like securing the bookshelves to the walls - has been like trying to move a mountain.

What mental load is there? I don’t think I really did any reading or preparing in that way. Or research. We needed a pram and a car seat so we went on one trip to Mamas and Papas and bought them.

It sound like he's doing lots of practical stuff, maybe he doesn’t see the need to prepare much mentally. Not everyone does. Doesn't mean he isn't engaged or going to be when the time comes.

I mean he sounds like he is doing everything he can physically which as a man he should be whilst you are heavily pregnant, I’m not sure what else you want from him at this stage.

Could you reach out to a friend/family member to do the girly things of picking cute baby outfits and paying attention to detail for the baby like equipment bits etc.

Men aren’t usually naturally maternal before the baby is actually here, the nesting part is much stronger in women because we actually carry the baby and feel the baby they are already apart of us, men usually catch up to that maternal bond when baby arrives.

all the best with the rest of your pregnancy ❤️

I'm surprised to see so many people asking about "What mental load?!". I had a huge to-do list, we were first time parents, in the middle of renovating, we live abroad with no family close by, I was starting a new job after a short maternity leave... We went to hypnobirthing, multiple medical appointments, had to buy lots of bits for baby (it's way more than just a car seat and a stroller, and I am a minimalist!), do lots of paperwork for the country we're in... it was a lot! So there is a lot to do.

That being said, my partner kind of took over the house things and I took over the baby things. At one point he suggested I was being a bit carefree with the online shopping but when I showed him the last purchase was for sleep sacks (or gro-bags or whatever they're called), he didn't even know what they were and thought babies just slept with blankets. So I just accepted that he would put the bed together and I would buy the sheets for the bed and that we each contributed quite fairly. I definitely did more because I had more time to research, read about things and make decisions. He did whatever I asked and is a wonderful dad.

So no, you're not being unreasonable. It's perfectly understandable to feel sad. I also thikn things didn't get real for my partner until after the baby came along. You've had a lot longer to bond with your little bump, and also you're probably just more tuned into it from friends with babies or seeing things on social media, etc.
When baby comes along, please advocate for yourself and make sure your partner notices that bottles need cleaning, baby needs changing, mum needs a sandwich... but maybe just for these few weeks while you're working less or not working, just try and accept that he may not have the mental space right now (which is sad when we feel it's more important than work!) and that things will have to change when the baby comes along.
Also maybe worth looking at: https://www.youtube.com/@zachmentalloadcoach/videos