Pregnancy mental load

[lafalafel]

33 weeks pregnant. Had a very difficult day with DH yesterday as I am starting to get stressed with everything we still need to do (I also have ADHD so all the planning/ prep has been a lot for me). I got very overwhelmed and emotional.

We're first time parents and we have been trying over 5 years, fertility treatments, the lot, so it's been no small feat for us to get here - it's a big deal. He wants to be a father so badly.

Only he hasn't been anywhere near as engaged as I thought he'd be. Hasn't read or researched anything on his own initiative, or shown any interest in buying or choosing anything.

He has done practical stuff like clearing out the house, building nursing chair, shelves etc, but only when I direct him. I have to think of it and tell him what to do, and then he's happy to do it. But he's not proactive. There's not a single thing he has thought of/ suggested.

He works full time (plus some) in a very demanding job and he does also have a health condition which makes him tired. I work 3 days and it's more flexible, and I'm about to start maternity leave.

Am I expecting too much? I just feel like he's not all that excited or engaged and it's making me sad :( but I don't know if I'm just pressuring him too much. It's just not how I pictured this stage.

Anyone else had this? How do you cope with it?

Well, is the mental load an essential load, or one the OP chooses to have right now? For example, building the nursing chair. Is there a need for a nursing chair at 33 weeks? Is there a need for a special nursing chair at all?* * And a PP commented that her partner thought babies slept with blankets, not in gro-bags. But that's a perfectly acceptable choice. Blankets aren't any less valid! I'm assuming he didn't organise the buying of said blankets anyway, which is an issue, but choosing an alternative product isn't.
So, yeah, in short, universally, people make different choices. What one considers a mental load right now might be a mental load of their choosing

What one considers a mental load right now might be a mental load of their choosing
Completely agree. Most of it is optional to think about and one person not wanting to doesn't necessarily make them disengaged or unhelpful

I'm surprised to see so many people asking about "What mental load?!". I had a huge to-do list, we were first time parents, in the middle of renovating, we live abroad with no family close by, I was starting a new job after a short maternity leave... That's all pretty unusual though. Renovating and living abroad and having a new job aren't standard things. They were anything I needed to think about. We went to hypnobirthing, multiple medical appointments Hypnobirthing is a choice. We did NCT and in the first session they asked us what preparation we'd already done. Most of the couples had a list of books they'd read and etc. My answer was "I booked this class and turned up".

Nearly all that "mental load" you list is either very specific to your situation or a choice to think about things more than some of us choose to. I still don't think eother DH or I had much mental load particularly and I don't think it's necessarily an issue that OP's partner doesn't

Gosh these replies. People have low expectations.
Have you done an antenatal course together @lafalafel ? Wondering if he just needs some starting points for thoughts/ suggestions...

This. I was working overseas until I had to go on maternity leave at 36 weeks because my airline wouldn’t fly me any more, and was so busy trying to finish a big project before I left that I don’t think I gave my pregnancy two thoughts outside scans and midwife appointments. We certainly hadn’t bought a single thing before 36 weeks. No need for military-style planning.