Feeling gender disappointment with baby no2

[Raybob]

We just had our 20 week (anomaly) scan, I wasn’t so sure about finding out the gender this time (we did with our first) as I knew I had huge preference for a girl and wasn’t sure if it would be good to find out. Long story short my partner persuaded me as he said it would help for our two year old boy knowing if he was getting a baby brother or sister. We found out and it was a boy! The sonographer could sense the disappointment straight away, and made a wee joke. Then when we walked out I broke into tears, which I know is awful. I know this will definitely be our last as I really struggled with our first, he was an extremely fussy and unsettled baby and as a toddler still very fussy who I know is going to take having a baby sibling in the house really badly. It sounds bad but the second I found out I just felt grief wave over me, I wasn’t going to get the girl I dreamed off and I also felt an instant worry about history repeating itself. My partner now is barely speaking to me, he lay in bed yesterday saying he had a sore head but I know it’s because he is avoiding me as he is so upset over my reaction. I think the truth is, I am struggling in general with parenting our challenging toddler whilst working and feel the lack of support from family and partner at times feeds into this loneliness and sadness. I just wanted to know if anyone else had felt gender disappointment or fear in their second pregnancy? I definitely don’t feel excited this time round which is awful and then guilt over feeling this way.

I suspect that this is less "gender disappointment" than your feelings of loneliness and being overwhelmed by your toddler. Perhaps you were imagining that a little girl would be easier to manage, or somehow that she would be more of a companion or friend, as you are feeling lonely?
You need to talk to your partner. Be very honest. Say that you are struggling. Also talk your midwife.

I did feel disappointment/grief too OP. I am a mum of two boys and wouldn't change it for the world now, but I totally understand what you're feeling. However it does sound like there's more going on and I strongly encourage you to talk to your partner and healthcare professionals... a problem shared is a problem halved and all that...

I have one of each and don’t be fooled that a girl will be easier . I personally think boys are so much easier than girls.

When my DS was having a baby I was over the moon with him having a boy .

You need to see the positives in this . They will hopefully have a nice bond , they can play together with the same toys and you can hand down your older ds clothes .
Having 2 boys will be lovely when they are growing up together .

There are hyperactive baby girls and super-easy-to-manage baby boys and your second could be the latter! It’s actually quite nice to have two boys -
you could potentially take them to sport activities together, similar interests, unlike having a girl and a boy they’re generally into different things so parents with each I find are having to do more in total.

I‘m sorry OP (not for the baby, for the feelings, which I totally get!) I didn’t actually find out in my second pregnancy because I was worried I’d be disappointed if it was another boy.

I have a son and I did find him tricky as a toddler. He’s four now, starting school in September and honestly a lot of those things that mattered as babies and toddlers just aren’t important now. It’s hard to explain. I do think when they are little people can be so stereotypical about boys and girls and that’s hard.

For me, I didn’t want a ‘girly boy’ (I’m not suggesting anything’s wrong with that!) but I did want a girl, and it’s hard to explain exactly why. MN doesn’t tend to be particularly kind about gender disappointment but it’s a thing and it can affect bonding. So I do think it’s best talked about.

what I can tell you is that when I was having dc2 (planned section) I genuinely forgot whether I was having a boy or a girl … I was having my child. And ultimately that’s all that matters

Thanks for this. I think you have hit the nail on the head. I grew up in a household with a Mum and my sister and I guess my thinking may be that if I had been given a daughter, she would eventually become a companion. I have been told by my partner before to speak to somebody, I guess I have just felt too proud and because I am just about holding it together that I don’t need to tell anyone.

I have twins - b/g. DD was definitely the more challenging toddler and teenager. You can’t predict their temperament.

Yes haha! Everyone tells me this and I know this myself I have three lovely nephews who are so kind and patient. Even my two year old as fiery as he is has a heart of gold, he is caring. I need to see the positives and get over this feeling of grief. I know it will work out.

Don't be proud, don't conceal it. It's time to talk to your partner very openly and, as I said, to your midwife.
My son is 30, and has always been brilliant company and we are genuinely good friends. I don't think it's the sex of the baby, it's just thay another male in the mix is making you feel unhappy.

My teenage boys are honestly amazing. So funny and such good company. We are going away for the weekend to Prague next year just the 3 of us.
I have had one big argument with my 18 year old. 1 in all his teenage years. That lasted for that evening then we both apologised. Overall he has been a breeze. My 16 year old is a joy to have around. I did everything whilst he did his GCSE’s but now he cooks for me once a week. I have recently taken him on a spa day as well. We had a great time and he is going to go back with a group of his guy mates.
They are genuinely the best thing to ever happen to me.
Occasionally they talk about coding at the dinner table to each other and I glaze over but we have a big shared interest, which is food. We have already cooked together.
I don’t think I would have more in common with a girl.
My boyfriend has a 17 year old girl. She is really horrible to her mum and to a lesser extent him. At one point she referred to her boyfriend’s mum as mum for months just to upset her actual mum. My boys are not perfect but they would never, ever behave like she does. I’m not saying this is normal but 2 boys might end up being the best thing that has ever happened to you.It might just be that another age group suits you better. They get a bad press but I have loved the teenage years.

I did feel some disappointment with DS2 when I found out it was another boy. For me, I didn’t necessarily want a little girl but I’m close to my mum and sisters as an adult and I wanted that relationship with a daughter too. However, what clicked for me is I’m close to my mum as she was always a single parent and I was company for her. The difference with me is I have a lovely DH whom I pray we will continue to have a strong and healthy marriage and I won’t need my DC for company. I now have two healthy and happy boys who are the light of my life, they adore me and I know this may change as they get much older but I couldn’t be happier. I have a lovely close bond with them
both.

I can understand how you feel OP. We didn’t find out with DC2 and had another boy. I didn’t have a huge preference and if I’m honest I dread the thought of a teenage girl! However I have sisters and am close to them and I felt like every other person I knew at that time had a girl. I
have a couple of friends who had boys then girls and are quite toxic about it. BIL also
had a girl 2 weeks before and MIL has said some awful things (eg a girl is a breath of fresh air)! I didnt expect gender disappointment and DS2 took us years to have and was so wanted. I felt like people were like oh another boy, never mind and it really affected me and I did feel sad and disappointed. DS1 was a very difficult toddler too so was worried about that. What I can tell you is that DS2 is a delight, the opposite of his brother and so easy and sweet (much better behaved than MILs precious granddaughter)! DS1 is easier now and they adore each other - although they have their moments. What I also realised as they and my nieces / nephews grow older is that they are people - not girls or boys. My sister has 3 girls and they could not be more different- and only 1 will wear dresses and girly things. Other sister has 1 of each and they fight like cat and dog- a colleague said to me oh 2 boys they are going to fight! If I were you and strangers ask what you are having I would say I don’t know so that you don’t get the unsolicited and ignorant “oh dear 2 boys - they will be a handful” type of comments. I hope you feel better and be kind to yourself, I felt so guilty and it has taken me 3 years to realise it is OK to feel like that.

I am 8 weeks with my second and I’m also hoping for a girl as my first is a boy. He was also a very fussy baby and struggled with colic and I really didn’t enjoy the early weeks.

I also think it’s normal not to be as exited the second time round regardless of gender because it’s not new and not as exciting as it was the first time and you’re not looking at the future with rose tinted glasses because you know about the difficulties that come with a new baby now you’ve been through it once.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable to be a little disappointed and I think your husband should be a little more understanding however, having a girl doesn’t mean you won’t have the same struggles as you did the first time just like having another boy doesn’t mean you will.

Also, you’re a boy mum already, you know what you’re doing with boys (I feel like I get boys better cos I’m a boy mum😅) and just think about the relationship your two boys will have x

Oh of course it was obvious it would be a boy. Grow up and count your blessings OP.

If it makes you feel any better, I also come from
a female dominated family (sisters and mum), didn’t really know males as family members other than my dad! I hoped for a similar relationship which I now have with my 15 and 18 year old …sons. I can’t imagine being closer although they are rubbish for any kind of gossip. lol!

This was an anomaly scan. There to check for serious health issues. I know people who have come out of those scans knowing their baby won’t live. Come on OP.

I really dislike these sort of threads, it's always baby boy disappointment. Be thankful you are having a healthy baby. Many women suffer years of devastating infertility so count your blessings.

It isn’t obvious. On these threads people always trill brightly that they simply couldn’t bear the thought of one of those horrible girls, but it’s just socially acceptable to say it when it’s a woman wanting a boy, rather than a girl.

I think you mean obvious that it COULD be a boy, not would? It's 50/50

OP this is a completely normal feeling, there are gender disappointment groups on fb. You should have a look there. It may be a source of comfort to you 😊

The poster means there are only ever gender disappointment threads about boys. Which isn’t entirely true but it’s true a lot of women do want at least one girl. There are a lot of societal and cultural issues relating to this but of course it’s easier to have a go at one woman.

A big problem is that it’s difficult to stop a feeling. You can stop actions but feelings are harder. Guilt, shame, remorse, anxiety and self loathing often come alongside these feelings. No one thinks ‘I wish you were a girl’ about their boy and feels good about it. So when others attack for the feelings the secondary feelings (if you like) are perpetuated and it can be very damaging for everybody.

If it makes you feel any better I was gutted for about a week when I found out my first was a boy!

With my second I was gutted to find out she was a girl, after having my son I wanted another boy! So despite people saying it's always boys people are disappointed in that's not true at all.

I am pregnant again now and I genuinely have no preference but I won't beat myself up if I do feel some disappointment when I find out, you can't control how you feel and it'll pass in time, don't let other people make you feel bad

It’s only boy disappointment because this is a largely female forum. A male forum would read very differently. Stats show most men want boys, and are far likely to leave the family unit if their offspring are solely female.
I have two boys now aged 22 and 20. What time has taught me, is that for us, having two of the same gender has been absolutely the best outcome.

Did you consider your feelings in depth before conceiving? As I assume if you really and truly do not want another son then you wouldn't have agreed to conceive another baby. So maybe it's hormones, maybe you're exhausted, call it what you will, but give yourself time and hopefully what you're feeling will settle. As I said before, I don't think you'd have conceived if you truly felt this strongly.

So sorry you are feeling this way, that must be truly awful.

There's a website called ingender for people struggling with gender disappointment, you could have a look on and read through other people's experiences.

On mumsnet people will be really quick to judge you but on that website everyone on there is really supportive and anyone else will be banned. You may get more support there x