Feeling gender disappointment with baby no2

[Raybob]

We just had our 20 week (anomaly) scan, I wasn’t so sure about finding out the gender this time (we did with our first) as I knew I had huge preference for a girl and wasn’t sure if it would be good to find out. Long story short my partner persuaded me as he said it would help for our two year old boy knowing if he was getting a baby brother or sister. We found out and it was a boy! The sonographer could sense the disappointment straight away, and made a wee joke. Then when we walked out I broke into tears, which I know is awful. I know this will definitely be our last as I really struggled with our first, he was an extremely fussy and unsettled baby and as a toddler still very fussy who I know is going to take having a baby sibling in the house really badly. It sounds bad but the second I found out I just felt grief wave over me, I wasn’t going to get the girl I dreamed off and I also felt an instant worry about history repeating itself. My partner now is barely speaking to me, he lay in bed yesterday saying he had a sore head but I know it’s because he is avoiding me as he is so upset over my reaction. I think the truth is, I am struggling in general with parenting our challenging toddler whilst working and feel the lack of support from family and partner at times feeds into this loneliness and sadness. I just wanted to know if anyone else had felt gender disappointment or fear in their second pregnancy? I definitely don’t feel excited this time round which is awful and then guilt over feeling this way.

I absolutely felt this way with my third. I waited until the birth and cried then instead, which I'm not sure was better! Talk to understanding people. It's more common than you think.

I’m not here to have an argument or a debate, just to share an experience I am going through and I am sure many other woman have felt this way! Not that’s it’s any of your business but I previously miscarried at 12 weeks and my Mum lost a baby full term, I am very aware of how lucky I am to be (so far) growing a healthy baby. That also doesn’t mean my feelings aren’t valid. It’s woman like you that make woman feel like they can’t open up about their feelings over shame that "they could be worse off". I would like to give a huge thanks to all the other kind comments, I am very fortunate and I am aware of that! Just wanted to have an open discussion and feel less alone.

So thanks everyone for the lovely and very honest comments. I am fully aware of how controversial this post is, and I would like to also say I will love this baby unconditionally there is absolutely no doubt about that. It doesn’t take away from the emotional reaction I had and how I feel. I think hormones and tiredness may play a factor here but I do know that I must have subconsciously been longing for a girl more than I had expected. I went into that scan hoping for a first and foremost healthy baby and a bonus if it was a girl but also thinking I would be fine if it was a healthy boy until I heard the words, my emotional reaction came as a shock to myself. I am already feeling better and blessed. Sometimes sharing your feelings and hearing other people’s stories are a great healer!
I am sorry for any offence that may of been caused.

@Raybob sorry that people have given you a hard time and well done for standing up for yourself. I have previously have had devastating news at scans more than once but it doesn’t mean that no one is ever allowed to feel a bit down about the what ifs. Glad you are feeling better and shame on the people attacking you for opening up about your feelings.

Glad you're feeling better OP. Don't let anyone shame you for your feelings! Being disappointed with the sec of a baby is so common! Though seems to be somewhat cultural which sex people are disappointed about.

I could have written your post OP, at least the first half of it. I'm 16 weeks but had a private scan on Sunday and found out it's a second little boy (my first is also 2). Like you, I honestly thought I'd be happy either way and for the first hour or so I genuinely was, and then I was hit by an emotional tidal wave of grief for the daughter I now know I'll never have. It's really caught me off guard.
Having now spoken to a friend who has two boys a couple of years older, she has assured me that she felt the same but once no. 2 was born it stopped mattering. I'm holding on to that and trying to keep focusing on all the lovely memories we've got ahead of us as our two boys grow closer. But don't beat yourself up (even if people do try to invalidate your feelings) - gender disappointment is a very real thing and we're both still only a few days into it, it'll take some time to adjust.

I think its natural to have a preference despite what some may say. I personally really wanted boys and got 2. I would have a 3rd if I could guarantee it was boy, but I can't 😂