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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Unplanned pregnancy — scared and alone after partner’s reaction

33 replies

LouTree · 22/06/2025 00:40

Hi everyone,
I’ve just found out I’m pregnant and it wasn’t planned. I’m in my mid-30s and have been with my partner for around 7 months which is not long hence I'm in shock,terrified and very emotional... A while ago, I had my coil removed — this was always planned due to ongoing pain and medical reasons. I told him at the time, but we didn’t have a full conversation about what that meant going forward.

We had unprotected sex once, and I took the morning after pill the next day but it was clearly too late. What’s also been hard is that following that, I had to remind him to use contraception so it wasn’t as though I was being careless.

When I told him I was pregnant, his reaction really shocked me. He said that if I keep the baby, he wants nothing to do with it or with me. What hurt most was him saying if I terminate, we can rebuild trust. That felt like an ultimatum, not a supportive conversation. I’ve never asked him for anything — not money, not help — I just wanted to talk and work through it together.

I’m heartbroken and overwhelmed. This wasn’t in my plan, but I’m scared of going through it alone. Has anyone else been in this position and carried on with the pregnancy? I could really use some reassurance right now.

OP posts:
forgivingfiggy · 22/06/2025 00:46

I’d say the relationship is over either way. You only have to decide if YOU want this baby. If you keep the baby, don’t rule out him surfacing at some stage and sticking his oar in.

Incakewetrust · 22/06/2025 00:59

If you keep the baby, he’ll resent you.
If you terminate, you’ll resent him.

Take him out of the equation completely because your relationship is over either way.
Do you want the baby? What you want is all that matters right now.

zaicandy · 22/06/2025 01:00

You were both incredibly silly to not have a conversation about it.

Despite that, he’s likely in shock (how long ago did you tell him?) and will probably come round.

Don't assume this will cause a breakup (unless you want to) or consider an abortion until you’ve sat down a week or so later and had a proper conversation.

CatchHimDerry · 22/06/2025 01:16

Man shocked that unprotected sex leads to pregnancy 🙄

They’ll never cease to amaze me, honestly.

Think only of yourself and what you want / is best for you OP x

zaicandy · 22/06/2025 01:16

CatchHimDerry · 22/06/2025 01:16

Man shocked that unprotected sex leads to pregnancy 🙄

They’ll never cease to amaze me, honestly.

Think only of yourself and what you want / is best for you OP x

it sounds like the woman here is also shocked. Both have been totally irresponsible. Both chose to have unprotected sex. She says it wasn’t in her plan, yet chose to not use a condom.

Fletchasketch · 22/06/2025 07:26

Incakewetrust · 22/06/2025 00:59

If you keep the baby, he’ll resent you.
If you terminate, you’ll resent him.

Take him out of the equation completely because your relationship is over either way.
Do you want the baby? What you want is all that matters right now.

This, completely. Reading between the lines, it sounds like you want it. Women have been raising children on their own since the dawn of time. I’m not saying it’ll be easy, just that if you want to do it, you can, and that’s all that matters. Good luck.

Original poster
LouTree · 22/06/2025 16:38

Just to clarify a few things from my side whilst also still trying to give him space after he was told face to face yesterday.

There was a conversation had about me removing my coil. It wasn’t hidden, and I explained that it was for medical reasons due to the pain it was causing. I genuinely thought this would naturally signal the need for protection, but I also believe it’s not just on the woman to carry the weight of that conversation — a partner should ask questions if they’re unsure or have concerns.

In fact, I even had to remind him to use a condom on a separate occasion — and the one time we didn’t use protection is when this happened. I took the morning after pill the next day, genuinely hoping that would be the end of it.

This pregnancy was not planned in any way, and it’s thrown me completely. But what’s been hardest is that instead of a conversation or some emotional support, I’ve been met with two firm ultimatums: either terminate and “we’ll build trust again,” or keep it and he walks away with no contact or responsibility and I have not asked him for anything financial but had a comment thrown at me " you will not get anything financial or parental responsibility from. Me if you keep it"

It just feels like there’s been no space for a real conversation — no room for both of us to sit with what’s happened unexpectedly. That’s what’s left me feeling so isolated and blame being fully put on me from him... Is that fair?

OP posts:
zaicandy · 22/06/2025 17:04

LouTree · 22/06/2025 16:38

Just to clarify a few things from my side whilst also still trying to give him space after he was told face to face yesterday.

There was a conversation had about me removing my coil. It wasn’t hidden, and I explained that it was for medical reasons due to the pain it was causing. I genuinely thought this would naturally signal the need for protection, but I also believe it’s not just on the woman to carry the weight of that conversation — a partner should ask questions if they’re unsure or have concerns.

In fact, I even had to remind him to use a condom on a separate occasion — and the one time we didn’t use protection is when this happened. I took the morning after pill the next day, genuinely hoping that would be the end of it.

This pregnancy was not planned in any way, and it’s thrown me completely. But what’s been hardest is that instead of a conversation or some emotional support, I’ve been met with two firm ultimatums: either terminate and “we’ll build trust again,” or keep it and he walks away with no contact or responsibility and I have not asked him for anything financial but had a comment thrown at me " you will not get anything financial or parental responsibility from. Me if you keep it"

It just feels like there’s been no space for a real conversation — no room for both of us to sit with what’s happened unexpectedly. That’s what’s left me feeling so isolated and blame being fully put on me from him... Is that fair?

He’s been a dick. He’s in shock but what he said was vile and even if he apologises I’m not sure your relationship will recover from the way he’s spoken.

it’s not just on the woman for protection, you’re absolutely right, but it’s crazy neither of you had a proper conversation. It’s on BOTH of you. It should’ve been brought up straight away when planning coil removal. Condoms on their own isn’t ideal, if you didn’t want a baby it should’ve been condoms plus a form of female contraception. No PIV sex unless he puts one on first.

lots of guys hate condoms and he shouldn’t have to be reminded to use one, but unless he forced you to have sex without a condom this is down to both of you and not just his fault.

it wasn’t planned but what did you expect if you didn’t use protection?

the blame is on both of you imo, but his attitude has been vile. If you want to sit down with him in a week or two when the news has sunk in that’s up to you. He may well have changed his mind but the awful things he said I couldn’t come back from.

zaicandy · 22/06/2025 17:06

Understandable you’re angry at him for the way he’s spoken to you but it sounds like you’re trying to blame him for the whole contraception thing. If he didn’t bring it up, you either a. Should’ve yourself or b. Held off on unprotected sex.

TheCannyBishop · 22/06/2025 17:12

Build trust? How exactly have you broken trust?? He’s being an arse. At least he’s shown you very clearly the kind of person he is OP, you can only decide what you want to do now

AnotherEmily · 22/06/2025 17:31

But, how can he ever rebuild your trust having said all that OP?

In answer to your question, I was at a baby group with someone whose partner had vanished when she became pregnant and she was coping with motherhood much better than me. I have another friend who went it alone, and trained to be a teacher at the same time, later becoming a head so you can do whatever you put your mind to.

Having said that you also have choices of course. Just take his opinion out of the equation.

coxesorangepippin · 22/06/2025 17:32

Relationship is over no matter what

The rest is up to you

orangewasp · 22/06/2025 17:39

You're both to blame here and should have had a proper discussion about contraception. However, that does not excuse his nasty reaction. He's shown his true colours.

My advice would be to decide whether or not to continue with the pregnancy without factoring him in. Do you have secure accommodation, financial and emotional resources and support from family /friends? Regardless of what he says, he would be liable for maintenance although actually getting it is another matter.

honeylulu · 22/06/2025 17:41

Build trust again? What does he mean? Is he implying you deliberately tricked him into pregnancy?

This relationship is over, tell him that. He's shown that (a) anything that goes wrong it's your problem not his and (b) do as he says or he'll dump you. You can't live like that.

Then decide about the pregnancy. He doesn't get to decide whether he contributes financially or not. There is CMS ...

TeenagersAngst · 22/06/2025 17:53

I may be reading too much into your posts OP, but is there a part of you that subconsciously wanted to be pregnant and it’s only now that your partner has thrown his toys out the pram that you’re freaking out?

You’re mid-30s, had your coil removed, had unprotected sex and now, shock horror, you’re pregnant.

I know that in times when I have absolutely not wanted to be pregnant, I have not let an unsheathed penis anywhere near my vagina.

Original poster
LouTree · 22/06/2025 18:18

Thanks for all the responses — I really appreciate the mix of honesty and care.

I do fully own my part in how this happened, and I know no contraception is perfect and my coil Removal was my decisions from a health perspective. Being on that for 7 years and being on contraceptive since I was 15, I wanted to give my body a rest for me. Surely that's allowed?

A conversation was had with my partner but as it was a detailed conversation if there was any questions he could surely ask them as well?

i am allowed to feel scared as this wasn't in my plan currently not right now, but how it’s been handled since I told him. I’ve tried to have a balanced, open conversation, but I’ve only received blame, coldness, and ultimatums and I wanted to seek some advice which I have got from those that commented.
I've realised I need to make this decision for me and I thank you for everyone's honesty too.

OP posts:
YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 22/06/2025 18:22

Option one - keep the baby and ditch the toxic arsehole

Option two - have an abortion and ditch the toxic arsehole.

Please don't even consider staying with this man OP. Your decision about your body is entirely yours and you absolutely should not consider him in it at all, but you should take this as a sign in neon lights that he is a vile prick.

InSpainTheRain · 22/06/2025 18:26

One one hand how he's said it sounds horrible, and I'm sorry for that - especially when you're feeling fragile and shocked and upset.

However, he has been really clear with you. You've only been together a short time, clearly he doesn't want a child. The relationship is over anyway due to his reaction. The question you have to answer is do you want a child and are you in position to support yourself whilst you have the child? Personally I'd be terminating, but that's only something you can know.

zaicandy · 22/06/2025 19:36

It’s very much allowed but you need to ensure he uses a condom and say no if he’s not got one on. It’s up to both of you to remember to use one.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 22/06/2025 19:46

Whatever you do, do what you want and don't be pressured by what he wants to do. If you have the baby he'll resent you but if you have a termination that you don't want, you'll resent him and yourself even. From his reaction I can't imagine you see any future with him anyway.
Going forward though you need to take on some more accountability. You can't have unprotected sex then say you're annoyed he should have known better. Contraception is both people's responsibility.

Doggielovecharlotte · 22/06/2025 19:52

The relationship is over in any form - he clearly doesn’t rate it

so do you want a baby?

it seems a strange time to give contraception a rest and then have unprotected sex…are you sure you weren’t unconsciously wanting to get pregnant?

either way do you want to have a baby is all you need to decide

onehorserace · 22/06/2025 19:57

The paragraph starting "we had unprotected sex once" doesn't make sense. You say it was clearly too late but then you say following that I had to remind him to use contraception.

what the heck does all that mean?

we didn't have a full conversation going forward - 🤷‍♀️ you are both at fault and he is entitled to say he doesn't want anything to do with raising a child.

onehorserace · 22/06/2025 19:58

zaicandy · 22/06/2025 19:36

It’s very much allowed but you need to ensure he uses a condom and say no if he’s not got one on. It’s up to both of you to remember to use one.

bolted. Has. Horse. The.

zaicandy · 22/06/2025 20:09

onehorserace · 22/06/2025 19:58

bolted. Has. Horse. The.

Show quote history

yes quite, but she’s making excuses and blaming the partner for all of it. RTFT

zaicandy · 22/06/2025 20:10

onehorserace · 22/06/2025 19:57

The paragraph starting "we had unprotected sex once" doesn't make sense. You say it was clearly too late but then you say following that I had to remind him to use contraception.

what the heck does all that mean?

we didn't have a full conversation going forward - 🤷‍♀️ you are both at fault and he is entitled to say he doesn't want anything to do with raising a child.

I think she means she had to remind him the time before. Then they did it unprotected a second time.