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Original poster

TW sensitive topic. Do you ever think about your miscarried baby

71 replies

K2012 · 15/06/2025 20:23

Posting here for more traffic.

I had a MMC last year and I think about the miscarried baby every day. I had my rainbow baby 8 weeks ago but still can’t stop thinking about my miscarried baby who would turn 1 next month. I don’t know if it’s postpartum
hormones or what it is, but is this normal?

Do you ever think about your miscarried baby?

OP posts:
FiveBeatRiffRaff · 15/06/2025 20:33

I think about it sometimes as a difficult period in my life (multiple MCs), but not as "a baby" if that makes sense. I'm sad for how sad I was then, because at the time I was so desperately upset over the injustice of it and the lost potential, of course. And the years of frustration that followed.

But that's me. There are as many feelings about this as there are women - and then some more because it changes over time! Nothing is wrong, to me what you describe sounds perfectly "normal" and understandable, even though my thought process followed a slightly different path. I will say that pregnancy and postpartum hormones are very powerful, they take over you in a way that very little to date will have done! You are feeling at your most maternal and all of your instincts are heightened, that doesn't begin and end with your own actual newborn, it branches out!

Congratulations on your gorgeous new baby ❤️ Trust that you will never forget but will come to find peace and balance. x

jellyfish2 · 15/06/2025 20:37

@K2012 I often think about my baby I lost which was a MMC at 12 weeks last year. Well, baby measured 8 weeks but I found out at my 12 week scan and of course the devastation felt was something else. I now have my rainbow who is 13 weeks. I've thought about the one we lost since the day I found out and I think it's completely normal. It's wondering who they would've been and how life would be now but then I adore my LO and can't imagine him not being here which wouldn't have happened had I not lost that baby. It's such a difficult thing to wrap your head around! Congratulations on your rainbow 💗

Rancor · 15/06/2025 20:40

I do think about the fact that I had a miscarriage (and a chemical recently too). But like PP, not as a baby really though. After all, the MC one only got to 11 weeks at most. It did have a heartbeat when I saw it on a scan, so I do feel sadness and a kind of connection. In my case though, I already had a living child before I had a MC. I wonder if it makes a difference being that way around. My son is very much a distraction from the heartache.

CrochetMadRosie · 15/06/2025 20:48

Yes…
I lost our first 20 years ago and I still think about him/ her…
Not lots but I was due on Boxing Day so
definitely around Christmas and at other random times.
Not in a massively sad way but I do think about them.

I realised though when my son was a few months old, that I never would have had him if I’d not lost the first baby and I can’t imagine life without him. He’s amazing…

I don’t think there’s any right or wrong way to deal with it. You do what’s best for you…

Best wishes. Enjoy your new baby and don’t feel you need to forget the one that you lost. They’re as much a part of your story as your gorgeous newborn.

KeepTalkingBeth · 15/06/2025 20:50

Yes I do. Not as much as I used to - my rainbow baby is 10 years old!

I used to well up every time I thought about the lost baby. Then one day it just dawned on me that if that pregnancy had gone to term then I wouldn't have my beautiful DS (I got pregnant with DS two month after my miscarriage). It sounds obvious but it took years for my feelings to catch up.

I planted a white rose bush in the garden shorly after my miscarriage. I had no idea what to do with my feelings. Now I look at the white rose bush, thriving and beautiful, and I feel I can accept what happened / allow myself to think about all the possibilities that didn't happen / love and enjoy the children that I do have, from a place of acceptance and appreciation of what I have rather than sadness and unfairness.

I'm probably not explaining this well! Hopefully this will help someone

witwatwoo · 15/06/2025 20:52

Sometimes, it’s been 25 years but I wouldn’t have my eldest child if that one had lived

user2848502016 · 15/06/2025 20:54

Honestly no, I miscarried at 9 weeks and it was horrible at the time but I got pregnant with my DD a few months later and I focused on that pregnancy instead. I don’t think about it now really because I obviously wouldn’t have my DD if I hadn’t miscarried

FiveBeatRiffRaff · 15/06/2025 20:55

Yes Rancor, I did already have DC1 before being thrown into mcs and then secondary infertility in pursuit of DC2. I do imagine I'd have dealt with it differently if I didn't have DC1.

dogcatkitten · 15/06/2025 20:55

Yes. it's always there in the background. And there was no rainbow baby, I can see how that would help.

Fridgedooropen · 15/06/2025 21:03

Rancor · 15/06/2025 20:40

I do think about the fact that I had a miscarriage (and a chemical recently too). But like PP, not as a baby really though. After all, the MC one only got to 11 weeks at most. It did have a heartbeat when I saw it on a scan, so I do feel sadness and a kind of connection. In my case though, I already had a living child before I had a MC. I wonder if it makes a difference being that way around. My son is very much a distraction from the heartache.

Edited

On occasion. This thread has now made me reflect that I'd have a child turning 9 this month if things were different. I have an older DC and while I never got a rainbow baby, as pp have said, that does make a difference.

PurpleTurtleMoose · 15/06/2025 21:23

I think about it all the time, and am still consumed with guilt on a regular basis. I found out quite late that I was pregnant, so spent the first few weeks still drinking alcohol (including getting actually drunk a few times) drinking a lot of coffee, not eating enough etc. I'm certain the miscarriage was my fault and I can't get over that.

SErunner · 15/06/2025 21:26

Yes I do. But similar to others not as a ‘baby’ as such. As a more generic life lost that I’m sad I didn’t get to meet. Anniversary dates are the key times - dates of loss and dates of would be due date. I’m sorry for your loss. I think it’s fine to feel how you feel, everyone processes differently, but if it is draining you it might be worth seeking some support.

RightSaidFrederica · 15/06/2025 21:45

Yup. I was pregnant with DD2 a month later, though, so it’s in a ‘wouldn’t it be weird if I had that child instead of this one’ way, not really a sad way.

ShesTheAlbatross · 15/06/2025 21:48

user2848502016 · 15/06/2025 20:54

Honestly no, I miscarried at 9 weeks and it was horrible at the time but I got pregnant with my DD a few months later and I focused on that pregnancy instead. I don’t think about it now really because I obviously wouldn’t have my DD if I hadn’t miscarried

Edited

I was going to basically say this word for word.

Lilythehamster · 15/06/2025 21:49

I really do. I only got pregnant with my rainbow baby over a year after my miscarriage, so maybe I would've had them both? She/he would've been turning 3 now. Sometimes I think it would've been a baby boy and sometimes I think a girl. Sending love!

LilacPony · 15/06/2025 21:51

Yes, often. 6 years later. I just fleetingly imagine it every so often.They say your body holds cells/DNA forever more of all the babies you’ve carried. So I often think of it still being with me.

Ohmybiscuits · 15/06/2025 21:53

Yes, I had a MMC at 20 weeks almost 5 years ago and I think about him fairly regularly. Maybe not every day but definitely several times a week. I've had 2 more children since then but he was my first and I'll always think of him.

PinkSwatch · 15/06/2025 21:53

Sometimes, yes. I often think it would had been a boy, I don't know why, it just felt like a boy. He'd have been turning 24 this year. I do have 2 girls (young women now), and I'm able to look back without feeling overly sad. More what if.

notacooldad · 15/06/2025 21:54

No, it was too painful to bear.

Sooverthemill · 15/06/2025 21:55

Very frequently

RosesAndHellebores · 15/06/2025 21:56

Not in a real baby way because I lost the next baby much much later. I was lucky because dd was safely born at 41.5 weeks, 51 weeks later.

What I would say, is that MMC is a very cruel way to lose a baby and is not necessarily well handled or understood. Flowers to you all and the best of wishes.

My dd is 27 now. It stops hurting.

squishousdelicious · 15/06/2025 21:57

If I hadn't miscarried, I would have had a 3 year old this September... I definitely think about it - all the way through my subsequent rainbow pregnancy with my son, and now during my current pregnancy with number 2.

But I think about it differently to a lot of others have said. I think that my world just wasn't ready for another life to be a part of it. Maybe the baby I would have had just needed to come along a little later. My son is an absolute joy but he's a force of nature and maybe we just needed a bit longer before he turned up to be ready in some way. I have no idea how, I can never think of anything in the between time that would have made it difficult... but I do believe that things happen as they should, for whatever reason.

Or maybe the miscarriage I had is the same soul that I'm carrying now - maybe we were meant to have our son before we have our daughter for some reason, and the universe made that happen.

cannynotsay · 15/06/2025 21:58

Not really I mean the body does what it does when somethings it right. So I’m glad deep down it happened. Wouldn’t want a baby suffering etc. I’m not a big dweller one the past. Like I have a daughter now. And I just think it is how it’s meant to be:

enjoy your new baby. Hold them tight and embrace each hug and smell and every happy moments. Because you did that you made them xxx

DyslexicPoster · 15/06/2025 21:58

Yes. I look at kids the age they should be and it hurts a lot. Its been over six years. However I have to make myself think it wasn't meant to be and there was nothing in my power to change any of this. I tried and they didn't make it. Nothing bad cones from trying. But not every try works out. I don't think I will ever find peace with it but hey no regrets either. No what ifs.

tripleginandtonic · 15/06/2025 22:00

I do but I wouldn't have had the dc I've got now. I know it seems harsh but most early mc are because the baby isn't developing correctly.