TW sensitive topic. Do you ever think about your miscarried baby

[K2012]

Posting here for more traffic.

I had a MMC last year and I think about the miscarried baby every day. I had my rainbow baby 8 weeks ago but still can’t stop thinking about my miscarried baby who would turn 1 next month. I don’t know if it’s postpartum
hormones or what it is, but is this normal?

Do you ever think about your miscarried baby?

This is how I think about my experience. Cells that could have become a baby but unfortunately didn’t, because they weren’t viable.

I don’t even remember the exact dates, just the year I had two miscarriages. But I do have children. I imagine it would be different if not.

I was devastated by the first though. I basically cried and slept for a month because I was so sad. With the second one I thought “I’m not doing that again” and was more stoic and scientific about it.

I had an ectopic and a miscarriage and I don't think about it too much now. I just feel there must have been something wrong and they could never have been. I was very sad at the time though of course.

I've also had a termination in the past though and I struggle with that far more and think about it a lot still.

It's not necessarily the case though that your embryo was not viable. There are lots of reasons why women miscarry.

I had a MC at 10 weeks. Tbh it didn't really affect me at all. I already had a child and got pregnant again very soon after.

I don't remember the date of think how old the child would be etc.
Sorry if I come across as hard but I just got on with life and forgot about it.

I miscarried when I was 11 weeks as i slipped on the stairs that had no carpet on and went down on my bum. It was years ago and I was only young and did not even know I was pregnant so wasnt very upset but I do think about it sometimes.

I think it can be a very different experience though when you got pregnant and had a child soon after. It's super interesting reading everyone's different ways of managing loss and moving forward. I wonder how I will feel if I'm able to have a child one day after multiple losses.

@Moosey898 plus mine happened 32 years ago so time can make things easier

The first MMC, yes. Idle wondering about who they might have been.

My final MC, no. I was relieved.

Honestly no. I don’t ever think of the MC as a baby. I feel oddly grateful that whatever was wrong with the pregnancy meant that it ended while it was just a bunch of cells. Of course I felt sad at the time because I wanted to be pregnant but when I look at my DD I know she wouldn’t exist without that MC happening and how could I ever wish for that?

Everyone's different, there's no normal or right or wrong.

Personally I don't think of the "babies" I miscarried in the first 12 wks (one mmc which was in some ways more difficult than the natural one, in some ways less difficult). I remember the experiences and the sadness I felt then, but I was fortunate to fall pregnant a few months later and wouldn't have my dds if ti hadn't lost those babies who were obviously not meant to be.

I went dd1, mc, dd2, mc, dd3 and do wonder if the two miscarriages were boys.

That's so true. The impact of my first one was awful (we had also been trying 2.5 years so that probably also played into it). I've had 4 now and I definitely recover and move forward quicker, even if they still make me sad.

Very similar to my feelings. If I hadn't had the MC I wouldn't have had my son and the world of music wouldn't have had a talented composer.

Yes. The moment I realised changed me forever. In particular I could never view pregnancy the same way. I lost that naive hope that being pregnant = there will be a baby. I went on to have 2 DC, who I love more than anything in the universe, but that first baby will always be in my heart.

I do sometimes. I had a mmc and they were measuring almost 11 weeks. I had been trying for ages to get pregnant and was heartbroken. I found out after that the baby had chromosomal abnormalities and that’s why the miscarriage happened. I’m pregnant again now after Ivf but sometimes when I think about what happened I do feel sad. I was just devastated at the time. I still have a scan photo which I will probably always keep.

What I think of as much as the baby (1996) is bursting into tears and the sonographer just saying "oh, you must have wanted it" and sending me to sit with all the pregnant waiting mothers. At least the midwife apologised and whisked me away.

Similar. My 15 weeks along MC was due Christmas Day. I thought about that baby a lot for the first few years, especially on Christmas and would often have a cry. I also had an early MC before my first child was born, and conceived than before MC due date. That one I almost never think about.

The later one, I have not thought about at Christmas for years now (lost that one 20 years ago now) but very occasionally something will trigger me to remember it and i may cry.

30 years on there are still days I wonder about the what ifs. Over time it’s less often but occasionally I still dream of a profoundly disabled yet happy little boy running and playing just out of reach.

At the time it was awful as this was a much wanted child. In my heart I suspect it saved me from having to face an even more heartbreaking decision as my gut feeling was that something really was not right.

I have had two losses and on the date of the loss every year I buy flowers to remember the baby. I am someone who believes in life at conception though so maybe a bit different. My first loss was 2008 and my 2nd 2022. I had 3 dc 15, 12 and 9 and they know about their siblings in heaven.
I think it’s a personal choice. For me I like honouring their life every year but I don’t cry any more.

Yes, he's my first child. It was a late miscarriage so that may be a factor in how he's very much a person for me, and part of our family. I felt him move. If he'd been just a week later in coming then he might have survived - he was just too small to save. He has a grave. We visit it for his special dates, and I talk to him still. I think the age gap between the kids helps too as there was no overlap between when I would have been pregnant with him and when I was pregnant with my next child, and we'd always planned having more than one, so it's not a case of him being here changing whether we would have had our other children.

Oh love. I sometimes still think about the baby I had to terminate, and that child would have been 44 now.

I did go on to have miscarriages during my very long battle to conceive, and they were absolutely terrible at the time, but as soon as I had a real live baby the distress became very distant.

It's OK to feel sad for your loss, but if the distress is persisting, growing, or complicating your bonding with the baby in your arms, then I would consider asking for help.

Thank you everyone for all the replies ❤️ it’s always good to get a different perspective of things.

The reason I started thinking about all this was because before I went on maternity leave I was chit chatting to a patient at work (I
work in a hospital) and he said he has 3 kids, 2 daughters and one son that was stillborn and then he said “if he’d been here he would have been in his 50’s now”. I know there’s a difference between a stillborn baby and a miscarriage but it just really hit me that day at work.

My own MMC was found at 12 week scan, baby stopped growing at 9 weeks but I’ve had no symptoms whatsoever so it was a complete shock when the sonographer said “I’m so sorry.” I can still hear her words in my ears. In this pregnancy I wanted to go for a private scan but didn’t want to go back to that clinic because of the memories so chose another clinic. They asked me if I wanted a picture of the miscarried baby and I didn’t know what to say, I literally had a few seconds to decide so I just said yes. Didn’t look at the picture since that day but a few months ago when I was tidying my room (I was probably in third trimester) I found the picture and looked at it and didn’t know how to feel or react. Don’t know if all this is postpartum hormones or what.

I look at my 8 week old baby and think that he wouldn’t have been here if that miscarriage didn’t happen but it’s still hard as the miscarried baby’s first birthday would be in a months time.

Once again thank you everyone for the replies ❤️