How do I tell my judgy mum I’m pregnant?

[BouncingBunnyMummy]

Me (34F) and my partner (33M) have just found out that I’m pregnant. We’ve been together for about 10-months - so not a long time - and I know my mum isn’t keen on him (although there’s no reason for her to feel like this other than he doesn’t have a particularly good job).

It’s my first pregnancy, and I’m about to go away for the weekend with my sister. I normally drink (socially) and smoke (regularly) which I have obviously stopped knowing that I’m now pregnant. I know that this is going to raise suspicions while we’re away so I thought it might be best to tell my mum and sister before hand so that I’m not asking my sister to keep secrets from our mum for me.

Problem is, my mum has a long history of being unhappy about the choices that I make. I know that the pregnancy isn’t ideal (it was unplanned) but now that it has happened, I want to see it through and could really use her support.

I don’t think I could stand having a lecture about what I should or need to do now. I’m still processing the fact that I’m pregnant myself and haven’t even started with drs appointment etc.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? Or have any advice?

Don’t give this a nano second thought
You shouldn’t give a fig what someone like this thinks

“I am pregnant, hooray!” With a big smile on your face

if she says anything nasty then you say “bloody hell im pleased my baby won’t ever be around you”. And mean it OP (unlikely i suspect though)

Your partner… he does actually work? Full time? And you?

Do you live with him?

I am now wondering whether your mum has had to pick up the pieces as a result of “the choices i have made” in the past

Honestly, I think people are unreasonable expecting their parents must be happy for every subpar decision made. Why? I mean, sure, parents could fake it, but how good is that for an authentic parent/child relationship.

I’ve already set solid expectations with mine on scenario’s where I would be genuinely happy for them vs being disappointed that they have either fucked up or settled for something less than their lives could have been otherwise. That way there is an agreed expectation on feelings.

ETA Also, I believe there is a difference between judgy and wanting the best for your child. It’s not easy being a parent when kids are if an age where they can fuck up with severe life long consequences.

If you haven’t even had the first gp appointment yet I would suggest you keep your news to yourself for now. It’s very early in the pregnancy and most people share after the first scan at 13 weeks. I would just say “I’ve been given advice by the doctor to avoid smoking and drinking while I have some health tests. I’ll let you know when I find out more. Nothing to worry about though”.

I agree with this - you need to tell her with the attitude of ‘I am pregnant and I am happy - this is a happy announcement’. If you go in tip toeing around the subject, kind of making it a bit of a negative and make excuses around it wasn’t planned then you’re opening up to scrutiny.

If she gives you an opinion regardless, then you just say you’re happy and it’s what you wanted and that’s that.

I agree with @HoppingPavlova and pps. You say yourself that the pregnancy was unplanned, in a fairly new relationship, that he doesn’t earn much, and that your mother isn’t keen on your boyfriend. I don’t think she’d be being ‘judgy’ to think this is a less than ideal situation to bring a child into.

For clarity, my partner does work - in an unskilled manual role. It’s not glamorous but someone has to do those jobs.

We live together, and have a combined salary of 65K per year so it not exactly like we’re struggling for money. My mum has always just had high expectations. Wanted me to be a doctor or lawyer and to marry into wealth.

And when I say ‘judgy’ I mean judgy. My last relationship ended because the person was borderline abusive. Would regularly shout at me and expected me to work when he had no job or aspirations. My mum was disappointed that I ended the relationship because his family is wealthy and ‘she always thought he was nice’.

She was also disappointed in me when I decided not to peruse my career in teaching (it literally caused me to have a mental breakdown) and frequently tells me I should go back to it, even though I’m happier and more financially stable in my current career.

I’ve never asked my mum to pick up the pieces of anything. I moved out of home when I was 16 due to her being an aggressive alcoholic, and I have taken care of myself ever since.

The situation isn’t idea, because I would have liked to have travelled more, I have summer plans that wouldn’t be able to go ahead and ideally we would have owned our own home first… but lots of people rent and have a family.

We’re both perfectly capable of looking after our self and a child, given our age and situation, it just isn’t how I would have planned it, that’s all.

I moved out of home when I was 16 due to her being an aggressive alcoholic, and I have taken care of myself ever since.

With this in mind, I'd continue doing what you've done since you were 16, and look after yourself. If that means you feel you want to tell her, because that's what's best for you, I'd just say, I've got some news, I'm pregnant and due in December.

If she starts with any nonsense, just tell her that you're not in the market for an opinion, and end the conversation. Boundaries are your friend here, you'll need them when the baby lands, start now. All the best.

Well are you going to need her for childcare and if the relationship fails will she haven't pick up the pieces and have you move in with her and the baby?

Will she have to put up with it all then? If not then carry on but it would be a rude to have the attitude she is being mean or whatever you want to call it but has to help you when it all goes wrong

Congratulations! My first was an unplanned pregnancy, but I was single right away.

My mum was horrible when I told her, even though like you I had a decent job, i waited till 12 weeks so I was obviously keeping the baby, but she still suggested an abortion, because I wasn't married with a mortgage. She does adore her grandkids, but I don't think I'm forgiven. I can't go low contact as I'm very close to my Dad, but I really don't care about her opinion of me, so it's not that hurtful.

I wish I hadn't told her till I was actually showing - or ideally had the baby - so my advice is not to tell your mum till as late as possible, she's not going to be happy for you, so she doesn't have a right to know.

I think you should tell your sister though, she can support you by not telling your mum, it's a reasonable thing to ask.

Can you go low or no contact with your mum? I wish I hadn't seen mine at all during my pregnancy.

@Renabrook Not at all - before being with my partner I was living alone and financially stable. I work from home mostly, so childcare wouldn’t be an issue and if I was to struggle I would have to pay for a child minder and/or reduce my hours (which I could easily afford).

And I never said she was mean, I said judgemental. If my choice isn’t the same as her choice, she doesn’t like it. Even if it all works out fine.

I think there’s a few on this thread that have a similar mindset as her to be honest. Thank goodness I’ll never feel the need to live vicariously through my children or offer only conditional love.

@Yellowlab34 thank you for some really useful advice. I already know she’s not going to be happy for me, it’s more the lecture that I want to spare myself.

I think I might follow your advice of just telling my sister for now and then going from there. I have fairly low contact with her anyway but I am very close to my sister and they still live together. But me and my sister would normally spend time with each other at my house or out and about.

Bloody hell OP, don't take anything that women thinks or says to heart (if you can help it)! It sounds like it's all about appearances for her and your safety and happiness don't even register.

You're not on this Earth to reflect well on her - live your life the way you want to and be happy, please. If she judges you, remember that this woman would rather you were abused but with someone who looked good! Judge her atrocious parenting and be happy knowing what a better job you'll do of it!

Some of you have no experience of being raised by difficult mothers and it shows. Or you are the difficult mothers and lack awareness/empathy with the OP's situation because you don't realise the damage you're inflicted on your children.

@BouncingBunnyMummy you're happy about the news and that's all that matters. I'd hold off telling your mum and just ask your sister to keep quiet for now. If possible, hide your non-drinking with
AF drinks or drinks in fancy glasses that can be disguised as spirits or cocktails. When you're happy the pregnancy is progressing well, tell her what's happening and if she's negative, turn it back on her about how sad it'll be that she won't want to have a relationship with her grandchild.

Congratulations by the way!

Is she still an aggressive alcoholic OP? I think this makes a significant difference in how you proceed.

I could understand her not being ecstatically happy with the news, I don’t think any mother would choose for her daughter to be pregnant to a man she’s only been with for 10 months, but I’ve never understood the point of the lectures etc AFTER the fact. It makes no difference! I’m sure my mum has disagreed with choices I’ve made at some points but never has she lectured me about them and I really appreciate that, it’s exactly the kind of mum I hope to be to my daughter.

You don't ever have to tell her directly, frankly from the sound of her, her response won't add anything positive to your life. Go low contact, avoid her and let her stew alone.

The dynamics with your mother are about to change anyway, now that you are to become a mother, too. I shouldn't think she'll be much of a grandmother.

Just tell them you're feeling a bit off colour and don't fancy booze or fags. It's pretty much true. Congratulations!

Here to agree with the ETA.

I realise we have moved on as a society from the days where everyone has to follow a step by step path to conservative acceptable outcomes, and that’s a good thing.

But nonetheless I do think this idea that anyone - particularly parents - with an opinion about what is or isn’t a great idea must be deemed toxic has gone too far.

Its normal for parents to feel disappointment if they think their Dc have made poor decisions.

As for this situation, can you tell your sister and trust her not to say op? Then deal with the reaction on your return?

“Go low contact, avoid her and let her stew alone.”

That sounds like something from a handbook of emotional dysfunctionality.

Another way of looking at this op is that if she is hankering after you meeting someone wealthy and having a great job, the disappointment “ lecture” is going to come at some point as it’s clear those are not things you want. Maybe a baby is the easiest way to have that conversation.

I didnt and still dont like my DD partner (but thats a whole other post) When she told me she was pregnant i was overjoyed i was getting a grandchild and she was going to be a mum.

@MightAsWellBeGretel is right, @BouncingBunnyMummy. I have three grown up children and the only thing I have ever wanted for them is for them to be happy. For their sakes, I want them to have a job that they enjoy and that will pay the bills, but I have never cared what that job was - frankly I believe that every job has value. I also wanted my sons to have a special someone in their lives, who made them happy.

If I were your mum, I would simply be proud of you and happy for you that you are building a life with a man you love, and I'd be over the moon about the baby. So, since your mum won't say it, I will.

I'm proud of you. I am so happy that you are living a life that makes you happy, and I am sure you will be a wonderful Mum!

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius that just hit me straight in the feels 🥹 honestly thank you so much for your kind words ❤️