How do I tell my judgy mum I’m pregnant?

[BouncingBunnyMummy]

Me (34F) and my partner (33M) have just found out that I’m pregnant. We’ve been together for about 10-months - so not a long time - and I know my mum isn’t keen on him (although there’s no reason for her to feel like this other than he doesn’t have a particularly good job).

It’s my first pregnancy, and I’m about to go away for the weekend with my sister. I normally drink (socially) and smoke (regularly) which I have obviously stopped knowing that I’m now pregnant. I know that this is going to raise suspicions while we’re away so I thought it might be best to tell my mum and sister before hand so that I’m not asking my sister to keep secrets from our mum for me.

Problem is, my mum has a long history of being unhappy about the choices that I make. I know that the pregnancy isn’t ideal (it was unplanned) but now that it has happened, I want to see it through and could really use her support.

I don’t think I could stand having a lecture about what I should or need to do now. I’m still processing the fact that I’m pregnant myself and haven’t even started with drs appointment etc.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? Or have any advice?

That was a big drip feed! Ignore your mum’s opinions. It’s also fine to tell your sister but not your mum until much later, should you choose to.

Also, you do need a plan for childcare that is affordable etc. Unless you’re self employed you definitely can’t wfh with a DC! If you are self employed it’d be a nightmare.

Mum sounds horrid text her to let her get over negativity first then tell her your both happy and it’s not actually her business to be negative about your baby or choice you are not asking for anything from her.
Also tell her if she likes she can go be a doctor this life is yours!
Unless she is very wealthy herself it’s kind of wrong for her to try to make you marry wealthy, you as an in law are not entitled to there money anyway and neither are your family tell her she’s being greedy and entitled. Wealthy people are usually tight anyway so they won’t be paying her care home fees.

Ignore your judgy mum, sounds like she’s the one who has made mistakes. One thing I did see was that you don’t need to worry much about child care because you work from home, yes you do - you can’t care for a child and work, not beyond the newborn stage when they sleep a lot - do your sums, I’m sure you’ll make it work but factor in childcare

Umm you can't work from home and look after a child. So you need to look at your expectations. You need proper childcare which is hundreds if not over 1k a month.

I grew up with a very toxic mother. I also had an unplanned pregnancy when I was 30. I was scared to death to tell her because I knew she would judge me and use it another excuse to put me down or make me feel bad. And of course, she did.

Then, when the baby was born, she became so obsessed with the baby that we honestly feared she might kidnap our DC at various points. It was like she wanted a redo, and she was determined to make DC love her more than anyone else. Pretty rich coming from someone who was so nasty and unsupportive to their actual daughter for bringing that grandchild into the world! Her critical treatment of me continued until the day I finally went NC

You already know who your mother is, OP. A toxic mother becomes a toxic grandmother.

Enjoy this news. Enjoy this baby. Don't look to her of all people for support when you know her limitations. And do what you must to protect your child.

Congratulations on the pregnancy.

Don't let anyone piss on your chips.

Yes it was quite a drip op!

I think the best approach is to accept that we all feel what we feel. Your views differ. She can’t make you do what she wants so maybe just let her say her piece and get it over. These things tend to fester and augment if people can’t air them.

She sounds less than ideal as a mum BUT most of us do our best as mums and I am sure that, however irritating judgy might be, it does come from a place of concern for you. Does it help to think about it that way?

@BouncingBunnyMummy - you are very welcome.

Your mum sounds like a scunt. Remove the s.
”she wanted me to marry into money” so we all know her thoughts on men already.
do not let her cloud your happy moments

I just told my parents casually, they weren’t excited at all at first as mine was also unplanned & didn’t like the way I told them. they were quite negative and asked me questions I knew they would ask - I had my answers ready 😂 Once they saw I was serious about things and had a plan, they grew excited and now 4 months PP they’re absolutely obsessed with their grand baby!

I think a lot of the time parents that come across judgmental deep down just want the best for their kids, they feel they know best for whatever reason.

Maybe tell her at the same time as your sister? If your sister is positive about it maybe she’ll influence her. Just prepare yourself mentally that she might be a bit of a debbie downer at first, it can be disheartening but she’ll probably come around!

Congratulations on your pregnancy!❤️

Keep it to yourselves for now OP. Negative comments from your DM will only upset you
its your life, not hers. She's had her turn bringing up DC
If you're around people who ask why you're not drinking just say you're on Antibiotics for a UTI
Tonic with ice and a slice is a good choice

Tell your sister on arrival and ask her not to tell your mother as you will on your return.
Have a plan in place to cover the practicalities.. finances, jobs, childcare, marriage(?).. so that you have answers ready for her inevitable comments and she doesn't wind you up.
Ultimately this is between you and your partner and everyone else, and their opinion, really does not matter!