Do i need to tell midwife about an termination?

[SameOldMe]

I was in an unhealthy relationship and had a termination. Its hard to describe, because I would say no, he would ignore me and climb ontop anyway. I had my child in bed asleep next to me so i couldn't put up a fight. I would just turn my head so he couldn't kiss me and my mind would go somewhere else. The relationship was very toxic, and I knew when I found out I couldn't bring another child into it.
i eventually left him, and 4 years later started dated again. 3 months into the new relationship I have found out I'm pregnant. Although not planned as such I have been a little reckless as I have deep longing for the baby I couldn't hold. I regret deeply having the termination although it was the right decision at the time. Its the hardest thing I've ever had to go through in my life.
New partner has said he is happy and wants to have this baby, I have told him parts about the previous relationship but not this. He wants to come to my booking appointment and support me but I'm scared that -
i will be asked about previous pregnancy- do i need to disclose this? Also will they question my previous relationship? We don't live together either as I claim UC and would lose a substantial amount should he move in. In the future when my children from the previous relationship are older, and I'm not reliant on UC for help with childcare I would like to live together.

You don't have to tell them.

You should really tell them as they will ask about previous pregnancies. However the midwife will ensure that you have time with her without your partner in the room, for you to disclose anything. This is pretty standard.

Do you think there is any kind of risk not telling them? Is it relevant to my pregnancy now? Dont want to put any risk for this new baby.

You need to tell them. when it happened to a friend of mine they put a discreet marker on her pregnancy notes. Her husband never found out.

For part of the booking appointment, the midwife will ask your partner to leave the room. You can tell her then, tell her your partner doesn't know, and when she adds it onto the system, she can do something to make sure it doesn't show up on any of your printed notes.

You need to tell them because all sorts of things in our medical histories can be relevant to pregnancy and your midwife needs a clear picture (so for example how far along you were and whether it was medical or surgical).

I wouldn’t unless it becomes medically necessary. A junior doctor blurted mine out in the ward in a loud voice in front of my then husband, ward staff and other patients for absolutely no reason, and I was embarrassed despite ExH knowing about it. It was just so unexpected, irrelevant and unnecessary.

It was a very early TOP and never medically relevant anyway.

If you do disclose, ask for a ‘highly confidential’ marker.

You really don't need to tell anyone unless it's medically relevant. Having an uncomplicated TOP has no bearing on future pregnancies. It's entirely your choice.

does it matter how far along i was? I was approx 12 weeks and was a day patient. I'm crying now writing this.

She can choose for herself what she wants to share.

I had a TOP in another country and I never told anyone - 5 babies later nobody needed to know.

You don't have to share this unless you want to! Honestly you don't. I'm a midwife and I wouldn't want you to feel forced to disclose this.

They dont need to know OP.
Nobody needs to.

Hi OP, I’m currently pregnant but had a termination last year. My midwife asked about previous pregnancies and if I had ever had a termination, I told her I had but she asked if I wanted her to put it on my notes or leave it out, I chose to leave it out. If you don’t want to tell them i personally wouldn’t as looking back there was no need for me to mention it x

It will have no bearing on this pregnancy; the only reason to disclose it is so you can access additional emotional support.

It sounds like it's really relevant to how you feel about this pregnancy and yourself as a mother. The midwife cares about that too. If you feel able to tell her then she/the team can bear in mind referrals if you need further support.

I am a midwife. As long it was an early (first trimester), uncomplicated termination you don't have to tell them if you don't want to. There will be an option for you to tell them and for it to be marked as confidential on your record, so only ever discussed with you alone if needed (extremely unlikely that it would ever need to be discussed though).

They will ask about the father of your older child/ren.

They will ask about your address and your partners and will probably make some brief enquiries about your relationship and plans for the future but this is only so they can identify if there's anything you might need additional support with.

You shouldn't be asked about domestic abuse when you are not alone but will be asked at a future appointment if you attend alone. This will give you the opportunity to discuss your previous relationship with your midwife if you want to - pregnancy can bring up all sorts of complex emotions so it can be helpful to share things you've experienced that might have an impact. Again it can be recorded as confidential info if you do chose to share.

Well done for leaving your past relationship and all the best for this pregnancy.

I can't talk about it out loud but if i had to i could write it, just worried that new partner will judge me based on how he reacted to me telling him im pregnant, he was really happy and said it was a unexpected gift. To be honest i thought i would be judged on here but i don't know where else i can discreetly ask.

It is more relevant medically if you haven’t had a subsequent full term pregnancy since a termination, as there is a minuscule chance that there will be a knock on effect.

I would tell them in confidence, if it was me, as it is not the same partner. But I might not if I’d had a secret termination and was still in the relationship.

You are absolutely entitled to keep this to yourself if you wish. People do.

Thank you

No judgment! Please do whatever feels right for you; you can tell them or not, or tell them later, whatever feels best and safest for you. You have done nothing wrong.

Stay safe and good luck with your pregnancy x

Of course we won’t judge you, honestly.

Currently it is estimated that 1 in 3, now approaching 1 in 2 in some areas, women and girls in the UK will have a termination during their reproductive years. There’s an awful lot of us, for good reasons.

Good luck, OP.

... you could even email it to your midwife if you want her to know but don't want to talk about it. But it's 100% your choice.

No you don't need to tell her it's not necessary especially as you have had a child previously. Congratulations OP and l hope everything goes really smoothly for you

No judgement at all OP. You made the right decision not to bring another child into that situation. You are a strong woman and mother. All the best with the new baby and for the future xx

Thank you i appreciate this