Do i need to tell midwife about an termination?

[SameOldMe]

I was in an unhealthy relationship and had a termination. Its hard to describe, because I would say no, he would ignore me and climb ontop anyway. I had my child in bed asleep next to me so i couldn't put up a fight. I would just turn my head so he couldn't kiss me and my mind would go somewhere else. The relationship was very toxic, and I knew when I found out I couldn't bring another child into it.
i eventually left him, and 4 years later started dated again. 3 months into the new relationship I have found out I'm pregnant. Although not planned as such I have been a little reckless as I have deep longing for the baby I couldn't hold. I regret deeply having the termination although it was the right decision at the time. Its the hardest thing I've ever had to go through in my life.
New partner has said he is happy and wants to have this baby, I have told him parts about the previous relationship but not this. He wants to come to my booking appointment and support me but I'm scared that -
i will be asked about previous pregnancy- do i need to disclose this? Also will they question my previous relationship? We don't live together either as I claim UC and would lose a substantial amount should he move in. In the future when my children from the previous relationship are older, and I'm not reliant on UC for help with childcare I would like to live together.

Thank you

Hi OP, I'm so sorry about what you have been through. You have had to deal with an awful lot. It's wonderful that you've been able to look after yourself and protect your child.

I'm not a midwife, just another mum, but I would urge you to think really carefully about talking to your midwife about your past and your experiences, especially the sexual violence you endured in your previous relationship but also the termination as they are clearly connected.

It will be really useful for her to know about it, especially if the pregnancy and birth, and the really intense and tiring early weeks and months with a baby suddenly bring up difficult memories or you find you're having a tough time.

Your midwife will not judge you, but the more she knows the better she will be able to support you and your family. And you definitely deserve support.

First trimester you don’t have to tell them, if you do ask for the highly confidential marker (as per pp). Honestly I think booking in should be just the woman and the midwife. There is plenty of time for fathers to go to ante natal or scans etc, booking in was always just for the woman and midwife.

Quite separate from this OP consider if it would be a good idea to speak to someone about your previous abusive relationships. It may not be the termination hanging in your memory so much as conception as a result of sexual abuse. You may find it helpful to talk confidentially about the abuse and how its affected your feelings around this pregnancy with an experienced advisor.

You don't have to but most people do tell the midwife as it's best they do know your gyne history, TOPs are really common nobody will judge you. Just tell them when alone along with the past domestic abuse. You should have that opportunity to talk about these things. You can ask that it's not shared with your partner, not that the midwife would need to even mention it anyway.
Maybe suggest to your partner he doesn't attend booking in as midwife's like to see women alone to do all the normal safety checks, it's mostly admin anyway at that contact. You will be asked about domestic abuse and that includes the past. He can come to later appointments when they actually listen to heart beat etc.

You don't have to share it, though it can have medical relevance so if you feel comfortable doing so, I would. But the important thing is for you to feel safe and confident in the care you are receiving, so why not just see how it goes? If you don't want to disclose anything at the booking visit, there will be plenty of opportunities later. Take care of yourself, OP.

I've had some counselling, i couldn't contemplate another relationship for a very long time. New partner is kind, first time we were intimate i think he could tell i wasn't fully there. Kept asking me if im okay and if i wanted to do what we were doing, he was patient and loving. He said he really wants to support me through all parts of the pregnancy, and be there. I've not had that before I've done it alone ex didn't want to come to the scans or anything. Last child I had I told him I was in labour, he went to sleep in a separate room, didn't check on me once. My phone fell down the end of my bed so I couldn't call anyone until the morning when I could retrieve the phone with help from my other kids. That night having just giving birth I had to make dinner.

it can be quite important information for them to know, particularly if you are rhesus negative blood group or it was a surgical rather than medical termination. It can be kept as a discreet entry in the notes though (you certainly wouldn't be the first person who'd been through the same).

Just to add at no point was my partner alone with the MW during our booking appointment, I don't think asking the partner to leave is standard practice

Same here. My wife (same sex couple) comes to all of the midwife appointments with me and I'm 30 weeks now and she's never been asked to leave. Which is completely fine in my situation but if you wanted to share something it is more difficult.

So OP if you want to let them know I'd see if there is a way to contact them in a written format (you said saying out loud would be hard) e.g. email or dropping into the health centre or wherever they are based. Or disclose it at a future appointment if your partner isn't going to all of them.

Good luck with it all 😊