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Original poster

Hand hold - unexpected pregnancy after vasectomy

29 replies

OnTheDrive · 20/05/2025 18:48

I really need a place to offload. Our fertility story has been gut wrenching. 6 years of fertility treatment, a lovely 4 year old and two subsequent losses which involved sepsis. My last loss was last summer.

Due to my most recent loss and the severity of the sepsis and subsequent health issues, my partner and I made the decision for him to have a vasectomy. He had this in February.

Prior to my loss in the Summer, I never had regular periods and never ovulated. From around October, I’ve had monthly periods.

my partners vasectomy sample check is due the end of June. We’ve used condoms whenever we’ve had sex.

I started feeling unwell around a week ago and yesterday my nipples were agony - I’ve taken a test and I’m pregnant. I had PTSD from my last loss due to how traumatic it was and only recently finished 4 months of EMDR.

To make matters worse, we have recently sold our home and are moving areas in the Summer, for my son to start a specialist school. We are going to live with my wider family for a while, and have just put an offer in on a new home in the area. This plan came about after my partner and I re-evaluated our future, when we agreed siblings weren’t going to happen.

How has this happened? My partner is adamant we are getting an abortion - I know realistically it’s not ideal, in terms of my health, logistically, financially….but how can I get an abortion after so many years of desperately wanting my bfp? And only having one baby to show for my previous bfp? It doesn’t feel right to just end this now it’s not convenient.

I feel like it’s meant to be. Maybe I’m filled with hormones, but how can I make peace with this? I know if I just go along with partners decision for abortion, I will never get over it. I would be doing it based on his decision - I almost feel I don’t get a say.

I can’t talk to anyone about this in person. I could really use a listening ear, and someone to talk (gentle) sense into me please.

Hand hold - unexpected pregnancy after vasectomy
OP posts:
PickANumber · 20/05/2025 18:55

A termination needs to be thought through. I’m not saying don’t get one but you have to be sure it’s right for you. Read on here the posts where women got one because they were pressured and those post wil be full of regret and sorrow.
mid you happy to go ahead be it for your reasons not your partner or your family or anyone else but for you

Fyreheart · 20/05/2025 18:57

If you want to terminate, then that's OK

If you dont want to terminate, then that's OK too.

Take some time to think x

fourelementary · 20/05/2025 19:02

Oh gosh what a situation to be in. You sound like you’ve had such a hard time of it all too. You say you had support for PTSD- was this from a therapist who offers other modalities of counselling? Perhaps they could be a listening ear to help you have a space to explore what you want- as you are ultimately the only one truly who has the final say in all this…

monktasmic · 20/05/2025 19:02

I imagine you are both in shock. Was it the trauma of the prev losses alone that lead you to decide no more? Or the likelihood that it wouldn’t happen so the desire to be ‘in control’ and not be waiting constantly to fall pregnant.
has the move meant another child is financially/ space wise a nightmare? Factor all these things into your decision. But I wouldn’t make a decision now - think on it.

Original poster
OnTheDrive · 20/05/2025 19:11

Sorry I don’t know how to respond to each person specifically.

The therapy was through NHS through the birth trauma and loss team. They were incredible.

We made the decision due to how ill I became during my last loss - It was incredibly traumatic and I was hospitalised for several weeks. My partner did not feel he could go through with another attempt at pregnancy - he was worried I would die if I kept putting my body under strain, and I may not be ok if I had sepsis again.

I never wanted him to have the vasectomy - I begged him to give it a while but he wanted it so I made peace with that - it felt like another loss in itself but I understood his reasoning. The cruel thing is, I’d starting coming to terms with it…this new ‘path’ life had for me. Not what I wanted or expected, but one that I felt I could make the best of.

The house we have just bought is suitable for 3 of us. We’ve sold all our baby bits - I felt like it was part of my grieving process. We could technically pull out of the new house buying and stay with my family for longer - it’s not ideal but we could make it work. But my partner is so stubborn, I know he won’t change his mind. But to me, once I’m pregnant, that’s my baby - no judgement on anyone who has abortions but for me, after wanting it for so many years, so many awful drugs, injections and disappointment - and now I’ve fallen naturally? How can that be

OP posts:
Whiteflowerscreed · 20/05/2025 19:13

It sounds like you don’t want an abortion, please don’t have one if that’s the case x

ohfourfoxache · 20/05/2025 19:15

All I can do is send the gentlest hugs x

FireAndButtons · 20/05/2025 19:30

But to me, once I’m pregnant, that’s my baby

Looks like you’ve already made up your mind.
I’d say it’s now up to your partner to come to terms with you keeping it. If he loves you he will stand by what you want. Stubborn or not he can’t force you to do anything you don’t want to do ❤️

I’m not sure I believe in fate but bloody hell, your story could make me change my mind.

jessycake · 20/05/2025 19:43

I think you need to talk to an dr about it , did they say why you developed sepsis after a loss .

Olika · 20/05/2025 19:54

Have you taken any other tests besides the one in the picture?

Rowen32 · 20/05/2025 19:58

Gosh OP, I really am quite against abortion but I have to say if your chances of developing sepsis again are very high is it worth the risk? Can you talk to your doctors about it? I know there's risk with every pregnancy but if you're extremely high risk which it sounds like you are I'm not sure I could risk leaving my son without his mother..and maybe your outcome last time was specific to that particular pregnancy in which case I'd be on the other side of the fence and say it sounds like a miracle and you have to go through with it xx

GreenCandleWax · 20/05/2025 20:06

OnTheDrive · 20/05/2025 19:11

Sorry I don’t know how to respond to each person specifically.

The therapy was through NHS through the birth trauma and loss team. They were incredible.

We made the decision due to how ill I became during my last loss - It was incredibly traumatic and I was hospitalised for several weeks. My partner did not feel he could go through with another attempt at pregnancy - he was worried I would die if I kept putting my body under strain, and I may not be ok if I had sepsis again.

I never wanted him to have the vasectomy - I begged him to give it a while but he wanted it so I made peace with that - it felt like another loss in itself but I understood his reasoning. The cruel thing is, I’d starting coming to terms with it…this new ‘path’ life had for me. Not what I wanted or expected, but one that I felt I could make the best of.

The house we have just bought is suitable for 3 of us. We’ve sold all our baby bits - I felt like it was part of my grieving process. We could technically pull out of the new house buying and stay with my family for longer - it’s not ideal but we could make it work. But my partner is so stubborn, I know he won’t change his mind. But to me, once I’m pregnant, that’s my baby - no judgement on anyone who has abortions but for me, after wanting it for so many years, so many awful drugs, injections and disappointment - and now I’ve fallen naturally? How can that be

Rejoice in it OP. The decision you say your DP has made is not his to make. Please don't be pressured. Do what is right for you, emotionally and physically. I hope he comes round but if not, this is another curve ball from life, and life seems to have plans for you. Good luck with everything. Flowers

ArtfulScreamer · 20/05/2025 20:10

Your partner can be as adamant as he likes about an abortion but ultimately it's your body your choice. If you choose to terminate that's absolutely fine but if he makes it seem like you have to and forces you down the termination route it won't end well. I think from the things you've said termination perhaps isn't an option for you in which case I'd want to fully understand what the potential risks are of another pregnancy and anyway in which they can be mitigated.

OneOliveZebra · 20/05/2025 20:14

You need to speak to somebody independently because something not as bad but similar happened to me. I had Ivf and then we discovered it was Twins and my ex was absolutely adamant that he was not having two and that he did not sign up for two and that I was to abort both because obviously you can’t do one. Furthermore, there would be no further trying and that would be that.
I was absolutely distraught as you could imagine and I called up the Twins helpline and apparently it’s a very very common reaction.

As it happened, we lost one baby. The other was fine and doing his GCSE.
And I got divorced
Everything was exactly the right decision

NewGoldFox · 20/05/2025 20:15

Your body, your decision. Pregnancy carries risk but termination is not free of risk either.
Sending you hugs 🫂

heidyho · 20/05/2025 20:20

Please don't be pressured into an abortion.
Your partner is probably thinking of the worst case scenario, messing up your plans and he could be worried about another loss. Sometimes you have to take risks.

Whoarethoseguys · 20/05/2025 20:26

I'm very sorry for all your previous losses
If you don't want an abortion then don't but if you do then you shouldn't feel guilty about it. But it has to be your decision not your partners
If you are bullied into having an abortion your relationship with him might well break down anyway and you will be forever thinking what if.
I think some counselling might help so that you can fully think through what you want to do.
I wish you well

JDM625 · 20/05/2025 20:26

How old are you OP? Do you have any idea how far along you might be?

I agree with contacting the previous person you had counselling with. If not available, I'd seek a scan to know how far along you are and also get independent counselling.

When you say you contracted sepsis in a previous pregnancy, with this listeria or something different which might re-occur?

IOSTT · 20/05/2025 20:50

Your body, your choice. Speak to some doctors and see what they advise re your health. Sending a hug

Original poster
OnTheDrive · 20/05/2025 21:14

Thankyou so much everyone for your responses.

They don’t know about the sepsis. Both times my babies have been perfectly fine, but my body has picked up an infection and it’s triggered a spontaneous miscarriage and I’ve developed sepsis very rapidly. Once at 9 weeks and once at 13 weeks.

I was consultant led in my last pregnancy, weekly scans from 5 weeks, progesterone, weekly urine and blood tests. Everything was developing beautifully and then I felt a bit unwell in the afternoon and by evening I’d collapsed at home, stopped breathing and was rushed into hospital where I subsequently had my loss. Since then, I’ve developed an autoimmune condition due to the stress it’s put my body under.

I cannot believe I’ve even fallen pregnant - let alone with the vasectomy and condom use also. I just can’t get my head around it.

I will absolutely reach out to my previous counsellor in the morning - the idea of abortion is very triggering for me in terms of my losses and it just feels so hypocritical of me - it feels like I’ve been given another chance.

I know my partners frightened I will get unwell but I also know he doesn’t want anymore children. He finds our son hard work at times, he loves him but parenting doesn’t come naturally to him and we’ve often clashed over his authoritarian approach to parenting as opposed to my more authoritative approach. I feel like he’s using the health aspect as a risk more to ensure I make the decision he wants.

Yes I took another clear blue and it’s positive. I’ve got a digi for the morning.

It’s such a sad situation. I appreciate all the support x

OP posts:
BobbleHatsRule · 20/05/2025 21:29

I think my first response would be to get consultant care ASAP via your GP. You need to have an opinion from a consultant re risks before you make any decision based on risk to you.

Your husband's feelings around your health and pregnancy are valid. Perhaps he needs some counselling?

His thoughts on being a father again...more of an issue.

Break this down into separate issues to tackle separately.

BobbleHatsRule · 28/05/2025 08:19

How are you feeling now? @OnTheDrive

HANDholdplease0 · 28/05/2025 19:54

Are you prepared to go it alone if you need to? x

PivotalTonight · 28/05/2025 19:59

Expert medical advice is essential. You are the priority, you need to be safe.

This is a first step, other decisions will follow based on this one.

Take care of you! Without you, everyone else suffers too. I hope you are ok?

Maxorias · 28/05/2025 20:30

Hello OP,

It's been a week so maybe you've already made up your mind but I'd be tempted to tell your partner that he made the decision that belonged to him (get a vasectomy), even though that wasn't what you wanted, and you made the effort to make peace with it and try to support him. Now there is a new decision to make, that one belongs to you and he needs to respect that.