I want to give my child my step grandfather's surnane

[PuffRuff]

A little bit of the backstory.

My dad's dad (my granddad. I will call him Ben) stopped talking to my mum after my dad died when I was 6 years old. Although, Ben would send the occasional card I had no other contact with him until I was 18 years old. We occasionally send messages to each other, but otherwise, we don't have a relationship.

I have no memories of my dad.

My dad's mum (my nan) had remarried several years later to 'John'. My mum didn't have a relationship with my nan, so I only met her a handful of times before she died. I have very little memories of John, but from what I remember of him, John was a gentle person and was pleasant to be around. John passed around when I was about 8 years old. My nan died about 2 years later.

I obviously have my dad's surname, which is Ben's surname. I don't have a relationship with other family members and the only thing that connects us is our surname.

Since we're expecting a baby, I have thought of my child's name and it was decided the baby should have John's surname as he was the only decent family member in my life. Even if I don't have many memories of him.

I was talking to a friend about my pregnancy and the topic of the surname came up. She assumed I would give the baby my surname and when I said I was going to be giving them John's surname instead she started making comments about how she would just stick with my surname as John wasn't 'family'. I explained that although John wasn't related by blood, he was the best member of my family. John never had children (before he married my nan and no shared children between the two of them). She said it would be unfair for Ben if my child had John's surname. Keep in mind, my grandad does have other grandchildren who have children with his surname, so it's not like I'm his only grandchild to pass on the family name.

I don't know how Ben felt about John as he never spoke about him. I do know that after Ben and my nan broke up their relationship was not great and from what heard it was toxic.

I guess I'm just wondering how it sounds to other people if my child had my step grandad's surname. I have thought about changing my surname as cut any ties to the others.

Her dad died when she was 6, it's in the OP.

I feel like name-wise you feel you have no connection to your own surname, and it would make more sense for you to change yours first and then for your child to take your new surname. I think given the tenuous link to step grandad's name I would either pick a brand new name for you and child, or go with something like your mum's or maternal grandmother's maiden name so there is at least some connection.

Have the same surname as your child. Even if it means changing yours. Don’t have your child on a different name.

It's my understanding that you can give your baby any surname you like. You can give yourself any surname you like as long as it's not for the purposes of fraud. Someone I knew gave herself and her daughter a completely new (made up) surname when she needed a fresh start.

It might help to try and see your surname as your name. Not your Dad’s? Something you and your child share.

As pp have said. It will be easier to have the same surname as your child.

This is a good idea.

Is the baby’s dad in the picture OP? I’m guessing not.
If you decide to use John’s surname it would make sense to change your surname at the same time so the two of you are clearly family. Also a way of separating yourself from your birth family as well as your child. . No reason not to if it’s what you want.
But you could choose a surname from anyone you admire and feel is a safe and good person. It doesn’t have to be a man.

Think of your child, they will be saddled with a different surname to their parents. They have no personal connection to your step grandad and you barely remember him either. Your child will have no link to the surname you give them.

Surely you are planning on being the best family member your child has. So why wouldn't you give them your surname?

My daughter doesn't have her Mum's name, (we're not married and she has mine), and it was a mistake. It's caused problems at passport control and hotels, and more importantly it's something DP regrets.

By all means give your child your step granddad's surname, but only if you're going to change your own to match.

And the post you quoted fully acknowledges that:

as I'm assuming he'd have continued to be in your life if he hadn't passed away

A lot of children have a different surname to their Mum though - if parents are not married and they have the Dad's name or if parents divorce and Mum reverts to her maiden name or marries again. I am a retired teacher and can tell you it's not at all unusual.

I think this is a bit silly truthfully, you admit yourself that you barely knew the man, he died while you were still young and he was of no blood relation to you. Surely his own surviving family might be a bit disconcerted that you just appropriated their family name for your own child despite having no real connection to this man?

Completely agree with this. It’s rather bizarre that you don’t consider your surname to be your surname as opposed to everyone else’s who came before. My dad was a really awful person and I had ‘his’ surname but I never consider it as such, or indeed to be my grandfather’s name, it’s just my name!

You’re going to get into logistical difficulties if your child’s surname is different to both parents. Travelling will be tricky - you’ll need to always travel with the birth certificate and an explanation why the surnames are different. I’d either change your surname too, so it’s the same as the baby, or use John’s surname as a middle name.

Nobody in your life seems to be consistent grandparents popping in and out of your life,and you are trying to find some roots for your baby, but why don't you just name him after the other parent I don't understand why you don't want your baby connected to you and them.

Fwiw I had tricky surnames that I didn't feel a connection to so I get it.

This. If you want this name so much, you should change your own as well. Or you are going to have a huge hassle every time you travel etc

It's absolutely fair enough to give your child the surname that you like, but for the sake of everyone involved I would change your surname too. It will save a world of headaches later on.

I would perhaps make some sense if you'd had a very close relationship with John and we're going to use his surname yourself, butni don't understand why you'd give your child a different name to yours.

Was you mother married to your father, so her surname is the same as yours?

Your surname is YOUR surname.

Why cast around for men to take a name from?

You did not know this man in the slightest. You may as well have chosen the bloke who delivers your post. That is the weirdest thing. Why on earth would you do it!

I would want my surname to be the same as my child surname. Give your child whatever surname you want but if it was me I'd change mine by deed poll first.

Well I'll presume the man you're having a child with is a decent man, so why not give the child his name, rather than someone unrelated who you hardly knew?

I think it would be strange to give your baby the surname of a random man you don’t have any memories of and barely knew. If you don’t like your surname then give the child his/her dad's surname.

What about the other parent's surname?